


Aftermath

by SadieIRL



Series: The Palamo Saga [2]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Best Friends, Dating, Eating Disorders, F/M, High School, Military, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pregnancy, Rape Aftermath, Sisters, War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-04
Updated: 2019-02-20
Packaged: 2019-07-06 18:47:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 15
Words: 99,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15891909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SadieIRL/pseuds/SadieIRL
Summary: When Jasper returns home from deployment, Amethyst is looking forward to spending time with her sister.  However, Jasper seems distant and rarely comes home or speaks to her.  In the midst of all this, the pressures of high school and a rocky relationship with her mom pushes Amethyst to cope in ways that threaten to destroy her.  Meanwhile, Jasper is harboring dark memories and secrets of her own even as a new relationship tries to bring some light to her life.





	1. Dream

**Author's Note:**

> So...for those who have read some of my stories, you may have noticed quite a few are connected...if you've read Twice in a Lifetime, you may already know how it ultimately ends (but if you haven't, don't read ahead!) - but I wanted to write more and keep Jasper alive. I wanted to write the entire saga from where it began, so get ready for some more stories. That being said, if you haven't read Chicken and would like to start with something more lighthearted, that is the first story in this head-canon series. This is the second, there will be two more I'll work on afterwards (one of which will encompass Until it Happens to You) finally moving into Twice in a Lifetime (which will be tweaked slightly to remove repetitive material since the entire backstory will be known and fix any timeline issues because I actually wrote down a timeline). 
> 
> Because of this addition/rewrite, Earning Her Stripes is now considered a side story, but I don't have the heart to just delete it because I loved writing that one too. 
> 
> Please note that as per the content warnings there are some difficult things written about here, however, we get through the assault and most of the war stuff in the first chapter, then there may be some flashbacks, but most of what happens after chapter 1 is pretty tame in comparison. 
> 
> So, without further ado, I present the second story of The Palamo Saga.

** Aftermath **

**Chapter 1 - Dream**

_August 2005_

Jasper

                “God…Tiger…” 

                Jasper threw her head back, inhaling deeply, her hands on a sealed box of MREs to steady herself as the soldier behind her pounded into her.  It was Brenner – below average size, but damn did he know how to use it.  He respected her rules; his hands never left her hips, never tried to wander anywhere else like some of the other guys had tried to do.  She moaned deeply.  “Fuck!” 

                His fingers dug into her hips as he quivered behind her, grunting as he finished.  He exhaled deeply and pulled away.  She heard the snap as he pulled his rubber off.  “You had a good time, right?” 

                “Yeah.”  Jasper pulled up her pants and buckled her belt.  At least he was capable of getting her off.  Some of the guys she’d been with were rather disappointing.  Right now, she made herself available to five of her friends.  All of them knew about the arrangement and that no strings were attached.  They couldn’t be.  She could fuck a guy today and he may not come back from battle tomorrow.  She heard the clink of his belt.  “Come on, Brenner, they’ve probably been waiting on us for like five minutes.”

                “It was at least ten.” 

                She laughed and placed her cap on her head.  “You wish.” 

                Jasper picked up one of the boxes and headed out of the storage area with Brenner.  The sun beat down on them and she reflected on how she missed trees and the river that ran through her town…and breezes.  It was so hot that the horizon moved and warped before her eyes.  She walked over to where her unit was readying supplies, preparing to move out soon.  She wasn’t sure exactly when or where and probably wouldn’t until just before they left.  She placed the box effortlessly on top of another.  “There you go, Sergeant.”

                Sergeant McCoy narrowed his dark eyes at her.  “It takes that long to get a box from storage.” 

                “Brenner had a hard time keeping up.  I would have been back sooner.” 

                He shook his head and leaned in close.  “I can smell it on you, you know.” 

                “What?” 

                “You know what.  We’re going to have a discussion later, Corporal.”

                Fuck.  It wasn’t as if other people didn’t know she slept around, but she wasn’t aware her _sergeant_ knew.  She turned and walked off to her next task.  So what if he knew?  It was after she’d finished helping load some supplies on a truck when Sergeant McCoy motioned for her to follow him.  He led her to the same storage area where she’d been with Brenner.  “This is where you want to talk to me?” 

                He casually leaned against a shelf.  “I’ve heard some rumors.” 

                “Not much to do around here sometimes, I guess, except gossip.” 

                His eyes flickered to a corner of the room and Jasper’s followed seeing a discarded condom on the floor.  _Really, Brenner,_ she thought.  “Look, whatever _might_ be going on there are no rules against it.” 

                “You’re right.  It may be frowned upon by some, but staying ‘active’ helps the men relieve their sexual frustration and boost morale.” 

                Jasper wanted to give him an annoying sigh, but stayed standing straight, giving him the respect required.  “I don’t understand the problem, sir.”

                “I never said there was a problem.  I would like your help boosting my morale.” 

                She raised an eyebrow.  “Excuse me?”

                “You want to relieve my sexual frustration, Tiger?”

                Her eyes focused on the wedding ring on his finger.  “I don’t think your wife would appreciate that, sir.”

                McCoy tipped his head back and laughed loudly.  “That bitch is probably cheating on me as we speak!”

                Jasper scoffed.  “Well, I don’t sleep with married men.  That’s one of my rules.  Nothing good can come of that.”

                He moved closer, pressing his hand against her cheek.  “Surely you can make an exception.” 

                She pulled away, ducking under his arm and heading for the door.  “No, I can’t.”  Jasper quickly pushed the door open and left before he could make her feel any more uncomfortable. 

*

                Over the course of the day, he kept finding reasons to bump into her and wear her down with his constant asking.  It was that evening while she was in the gym lifting weights when he approached her for about the fifth time that day.  “You need a spotter?”

                “I’m doing bicep curls.  I’m good,” she replied tersely.  

                “Have you thought about my offer?” 

                “What the hell do you have to offer?  A Vienna sausage?”  Jasper plunked the weights back on the rack.  She lowered her voice as not to cause a scene.  “Sir, I’ve told you repeatedly to stop.  If you don’t, I am prepared to go higher up the chain of command with a harassment complaint.”

                McCoy got close to her, his hand on her arm and his mouth next to her ear.  “You do and I’ll make sure to inform them of your reputation…of course, they probably already know.”

                Jasper felt herself shrinking and tried to move away, but he squeezed her arm.  “As I said, it’s not against the rules, so why would they care?” 

                “It still wouldn’t look good when it comes time for you to move up.  How’s that going to look in a year…or two…when you go in for your interview?  You think they’d choose you over a candidate with a spotless record?”

                “Are you fucking threatening me?”

                “I’m just telling it like it is, but I also don’t _have_ to say anything.”

                She inhaled sharply and shook with anger.  This was not fair…or right…but he had a point.  If she went for an interview with this type of reputation and was up against another female soldier who didn’t sleep around, she could kiss that promotion goodbye.  What other choice did she have?  “Your wife never finds out.  I don’t need some angry woman coming on base and screaming at me when we get back.”  She pulled her arm away.  “And you’ll let me go, right now.”

                “So, the storage area is your usual…” 

                “Yeah.” 

                “Let’s go.” 

Beads of moisture rolled down the side of her face from her hairline.  “Now?  I’m…all sweaty…”

                “It’s hot as balls here and we’ll work up a sweat ourselves.”  McCoy gave her a cocky smile and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. 

                They walked in silence to the storage area.  Her heart pounded and she quickly wiped the sweat from her face as she heard the door close.  “Okay, so how do you want this?  Me on top or you from behind?” 

                McCoy gave an amused chuckle.  “Well, don’t you like to get down to business?  I like to preheat the oven before I cook the turkey.” 

                Jasper scoffed.  “That is the cor…”  She was cut off as he grabbed her and pressed his lips against hers.  His hand was trying to snake into her shirt.  She pulled away.  “What the hell?!” 

                “Are we doing this or not?” 

                “I don’t allow kissing – or groping.  I have rules, you know.”

                “Oh, come on, Tiger.  I want the real deal here.”  He leaned in to kiss her again.  Jasper dropped to the floor so he ended up with his face against the wall.  He paused a second before speaking.  “So, as long as you’re down there.”

                She heard his zipper open and glanced over, turning her head away at the sight of him exposed.  “Hey, everyone here has a mouth, buddy.  I don’t do that.”

                “Then what _do_ I get?”  His tone was agitated.

                Jasper stood and leaned against some boxes.  “What everyone else gets.  You get to fuck me – that’s it.  No holding, no kissing, no groping – pick your position and let’s go.”  She dug in her pocket and pulled out a wrapped condom.  “Here – if you don’t have one, I do.”

                McCoy took it and threw it across the room with a scoff.  “I don’t think so.  Don’t like how they feel.”

                She shook her head.  “Then it’s a no.  I’m not exposing myself to whatever the fuck you got goin’ on down there.”

                “It’s not as if I sleep around – like some of us.” 

                “That doesn’t matter.  That is one of my rules.”

                “You can’t take me in here, get me all riled up and then tell me no!”

                “Actually, I can.”

                “C’mon, Tiger.”  He grabbed her arm. 

                There was no way she could wrap her head around the idea of fucking him now.  He was a jerk and clearly had zero respect for her.  “No…no, absolutely not.”

                “I’ll even pay you!” 

                Jasper’s mouth opened in disbelief and disgust.  She ripped her arm from his grasp.  “I am not a whore, sir!”

                She stormed out, slamming the door behind her.  The _nerve_ of him!  How _dare_ he act like she did this for money!  She still had time before she had to turn in and took half an hour to run around the base working off her frustration and embarrassment.  She should go to her command.  She should tell them what happened.  No, she couldn’t.  He was right.  It would make her look bad.

                She returned to her housing unit and saw her roommate was already there.  “Hey, Ruby.”

                “We’re required to do P.T. and you still go for a run?”  Ruby was lying on her bed with a piece of paper in her hands. 

                “Helps me clear my head.”  Jasper opened her trunk and pulled out the container of baby wipes her mom had sent, using one to wipe her face.  “News from home?” 

                “Sapphire sent me a care package.” 

                Jasper nodded.  Ruby had said Sapphire was just a friend, but she felt her roommate was covering something…likely a relationship that fell under the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy.  “That was nice of her.  Just so you know…uh…I’m pretty open-minded.  Just throwing that out there.”

                Ruby smiled.  “Thanks.  Hey, she sent me all these snacks – I’ll trade you two packages of Oreos for a package of those baby wipes.  I should ask her to send me some but I always forget.” 

                “One Oreos and a bag of Cheetos if you would.”  Jasper tossed her an unopened box of wipes.  “When I told my mom they supply us with only the most quality grade sandpaper in the latrines, she started sending these.”  She sat on the bed, unlacing her boots and slipping them off.

                “I can’t wait to go home.” 

                “This is your first deployment, right?”  When Ruby answered affirmatively, Jasper continued.  “It’s gonna be weird.  You’ll probably be on leave for a while and won’t know what to do with yourself.  But you get to see family and friends and eat food you can’t get here.” 

                “Sounds nice.” 

                Jasper took off her shirt and used another wipe to clean her armpits.  “It is.  I can’t wait for my first taste of rocky road ice cream.”  She changed into a tank top and sleeping shorts, finally sliding into bed, folding the blanket back because it was just too hot.  “I miss fans and air conditioning.” 

                “I miss the sound of the ice cream truck.”  Ruby laughed.  “My sisters and I would always grab our piggy banks and rush out, but he never stayed long enough for us to get there and my mom would scream: ‘ _mija_ , we have ice cream in the house!’  It was always Otter Pops.”

                Jasper laughed, the fear and humiliation of earlier melting away.  “My mom said the same thing.  Except she bought this knock-off ice cream called ‘frozen dairy dessert’ because it was cheap.”  She leaned her head back against the pillow feeling the exhaustion of the day creeping into her bones.  She heard Ruby whispering a prayer.  Jasper wasn’t the praying type – she expected God knew what she wanted deep in her heart – to see her family and friends again, not to get blown up, to go home as scheduled in September…and of course, world peace.  Wait…then she’d be out of a job.  _If world peace were achieved and the military dissolved, would I still get college money_ , she wondered as she drifted off.

                Her eyes fluttered again when she couldn’t breathe.  How long had she been asleep?  Something was pressing down on her and a hand was placed firmly over her mouth.  No, it wasn’t something…it was someone.  Another hand was pulling her loose shorts aside.   

                Alarms went off in her head.  They were under attack!  Jasper reached up trying to pry the hand from her mouth and attempting to ignore the one now touching her beneath her shorts.  She was not going to let some terrorist bastard do this to her!  Something metal clanked against her chin as her eyes opened and she moved to push him away. 

                She stopped…her heart pounding wildly as she recognized the American camouflage.  But it couldn’t be…it couldn’t be one of her own!  They’d never betray her like that!  Her arm fell back to the mattress as disbelief clouded her mind.  The weight on her shifted, pressing closer to her and she cried out against the hand as he pushed inside of her.  Her brain cleared completely, her eyes focusing on the name patch. 

                McCoy. 

                Her stomach sank and the panic was taken over completely by disbelief.  She froze as he moved against her.  Jasper’s fingers clenched the sheets as her eyes flickered over toward the other bed where Ruby was curled up still sleeping…unaware of what was going on right next to her. 

                Jasper shut her eyes as she felt his breath against her skin.  God, he was kissing her neck.  She felt a tear slide down her face.  She had told him no.  She had said ‘absolutely not’.  She thought about all the training she had – how she could push him off and kick his ass.  Her muscles stayed paralyzed when she realized he had the same training and had been in longer than she had.  He could really hurt her if he wanted to.  She winced as he jolted.  His other hand grabbed her breast – hard.  He was already hurting her. 

                “Slut,” he whispered in her ear.  “You can’t dish it out to everyone else then tell me no.”

                The realization seeped into her: this was her fault.  _I should have just said yes,_ she told herself.  _None of this would be happening if I’d just agreed to it._   She felt another tear fall from her eye.  When was he going to be done?  _Just hurry up…just hurry up and finish, please._

                She was suffocating…under his weight…under the gravity of this crime.  His hand was pressing up against her nose making it hard to breathe.  Her eyes flew open and she made strangled sounds of protest and he stopped, leaning in again.  “If I move my hand, you gonna scream?”

                Jasper shook her head slightly and gasped as he took his hand away and continued moving above her…against her…inside her.  McCoy aggressively smashed his mouth against hers, tugging at her chin as she tried to moved away.  “Open your mouth,” he hissed.

                His tongue pushed past her teeth.  Was there any part of her body he wasn’t going to violate?  He was close now, she could tell by the way he was moving…his heavy breathing and grunting.  His fingers dug into her shoulders and he shuddered, exhaled by her ear and relaxed.  McCoy kissed her neck and her cheek, finally speaking again in hushed tones.  “If you say anything, there will be consequences.”

                And just like that, he got up, zipped his pants and was gone almost before she could even comprehend what had just happened.  In the moment, it had seemed to go on forever and she thought it wouldn’t end.  Now that he’d left, she had the realization that it was finally over.  She wanted to scream, but it stayed lodged in her throat.  She thought of all the things she’d been told to do and not to do.  She shouldn’t wash up or discard her clothes or even brush her teeth.  She should get an exam, report it, seek counseling and get plan B. 

                But McCoy had said there would be consequences.  She’d heard of women who had come forward about things like this only to be reprimanded, disciplined or even discharged for the most minor things.  There had even been a story or two of some of them not returning from combat.  She needed these men to have her back.  Pointing fingers would only give them a reason to hate her.  Besides, they all knew she slept around.  She’d brought this on herself.

                Jasper reached down and pulled the sheet back up.  The area between her legs ached and she tried not to think about how her shorts were sticking to her.  If she gave into this…if she called it a crime…she’d never be able to function.  It was just sex…just as if she’d told him it was okay.  She’d just had sex with Sergeant McCoy.  Or better yet, it was all a dream – a nightmare maybe – but a dream and she’d wake up tomorrow and find it never actually happened. 

                She placed her trembling hand over her chest trying to calm her heart.  She tried not to think about where and how he’d touched her.  _No, he didn’t – it was just a dream_ , she told herself.  _A dream – that was it.  Go to sleep._  

                Still telling herself that, she closed her eyes falling into a fitful sleep.

*

                They arrived on the Marine base the following Monday and Jasper knew little about exactly what they were doing there.  Sergeant McCoy had told them they’d be briefed later on the mission when they needed to be. 

                “You’ve got to be kidding me,” the Marine general said as the soldiers got off the truck.  “This is the best you’ve got?  A bunch of kids barely out of diapers?”  He cast a glance at Ruby.  “And a woman.”

                “Private Diaz is one of the best combat soldiers we have,” Sergeant McCoy countered.  “She may be small, but…”

                “Now, this is what I’m talking about.”  The general sauntered up to Jasper and looked her up and down.  “Tall, strong, built – this is the perfect soldier, right here.”

                A few of her fellow soldiers snickered while Jasper felt her mouth twitch up in a smile.  Taking her height into consideration, she knew it was hard to tell with all her gear on.  “You do realize I’m a woman.  Right, sir?”

                The general looked at Sergeant Mc Coy.  “A _real_ woman?” 

                What the fuck was that supposed to mean?   Her sergeant looked at her and gave a smile that made her feel sick.  “Yes, sir, every inch.”

                “Taylor!” the general barked.  A young Marine ran up to him.  “Please take these two soldiers – Diaz and…” he squinted at Jasper’s nametag.  “Palamo…what is that?  Hawaiian?”

                “Samoan, sir.” 

                “Ah – makes sense!  We got a bunch of your people here on base – good, ol’ warrior spirit!”  He lightly slapped her on the shoulder then turned back to his Marine.  “Show these two soldiers to a tent and then familiarize them with base.”

                “Yes, sir!” he answered before walking off with the two women following him.  “So, forget my nametag – everyone calls me ‘Chips’.” 

                “You like regular or barbeque?” Jasper asked jokingly. 

                He laughed.  “Like casino chips – the kind you play poker with.  I’m considered lucky around here – all my times in battle – should have died, but not even a scratch.  You two have nicknames?” 

                “Little Red,” Ruby answered.  “My name is Ruby, so, it’s not a stretch.”

                “Tiger.”  Jasper removed her helmet and eye protection as they approached the tent, revealing the white skin marbled across her tan face, falling across her eyes and spilling onto her cheek.  “I don’t think I need to explain why.” 

                “Vitiligo, right?  I knew a kid in my school who had that.  He had one patch that looked like a ghost on his shoulder.  I think you look very…exotic.” 

                Jasper glanced at Ruby who rolled her eyes.  “Yeah, what is it with white people and that word?  You know, it’s not exactly a compliment.”

                “Something about white girls being the ‘standard beauty’, right?”  Chips asked.  “Well, I’ve always found white girls to be pretty boring.  I like to get down with the swirl, you know.” 

                She scoffed and rolled her eyes.  “I’ll give you a bit of advice – that kind of talk…not a turn on.” 

                He sucked in a sharp breath as though well aware he’d embarrassed himself.  “Well, this is your tent, so…I’ll leave you to get settled and then show you around.”

                Getting settled didn’t take long as they each only had a backpack of supplies to drop by the cots provided and take off their battle gear.  They rejoined Chips for a quick tour.  Jasper realized their base was set up much the same as the Army’s.  The rest of the evening was spent in briefings about the mission, which sounded dangerous, but she was no stranger to that.  She looked around at her fellow soldiers and the Marines, all of whom seemed so young, but tried not to think about what might happen tomorrow.  Well, technically midnight was tomorrow, right?  She wondered if she’d get much sleep before then as she walked around the base.

                Chips found her and tossed an energy drink her way.  “We’ll need this tonight.  You been in combat before?” 

                “This ain’t my first rodeo.”  She popped open the drink and slurped some of it down. 

                “So, you’re Samoan, huh?”  He leaned back against the wall.  “I work with, uh…”

                “If you say ‘some of your people’ I swear to God…”

                “Sorry…I mean, are you from the islands, or…”

                “Never been.”  Jasper took another long drink, finishing it off.  “I was born and raised in Washington.”

                “Wow.   How far from the White House?” 

                She shook her head.  “Wrong Washington – I’m based at Lewis-McChord, about an hour from Emerald City.  I’ve never been to the other Washington.  I guess there’s a lot I haven’t done.  My mom was always very protective – didn’t like me going to the city by myself…afraid I’d be murdered or something.” 

                Chips laughed.  “So, you joined the Army?!”

                “Yeah, that really pissed her off.”  Jasper joined him in laughing. 

                “Well, what does she do?” 

                “She’s a nurse – works on the OB floor at a nearby hospital…delivering babies and shit.  My dad’s an accountant – don’t ask me for math advice though.”

                He snickered.  “Me either.  I can barely balance my checkbook.”

                “I don’t _have_ a checkbook.  My dad would be mortified.”  Jasper finished off her energy drink.  “He was in the Army though – during ‘Nam.  Yours?”

                “Fuck no.  My mom died when I was a kid and my dad is now a test pilot for La-Z-Boy.  He sits around eating salty foods attempting to get his blood pressure as high as it’ll go.  He’s determined to set a record or die trying.”  Chips finished his drink and crushed the can.  “Speaking of, you know, we could die tomorrow.” 

                “I’ve been trying not to think of that.”

                “Maybe we should spend tonight…you know…not thinking about it.”

                Jasper sighed.  “Why do you guys always ask in the most roundabout way instead of being direct?” 

                “Direct – okay.  I haven’t seen many women in a long ass time.  Definitely not any as fine as you. So, wanna fuck?” 

                “Well, don’t get too romantic now.”  Jasper crushed her can in her hand and tossed it in a nearby garbage can.  She couldn’t forget that dream from two nights ago and the thought of someone touching her…of being on her…it made her heart pound and her stomach sink.  But it wasn’t as if she knew him; there was no trust to betray.  She thought about what he’d said…that they could die tomorrow.  He was scrawny, probably a couple of years younger – maybe twenty.  Plus, she liked her men like she liked her meat – dark.  Jasper rolled her eyes.  She didn’t date within her community and after the incident – dream – with…about…Sergeant McCoy, the thought of being with a black man didn’t appeal to her either.  She’d have to broaden her horizons or get used to the idea of a life alone.  She looked at him again.  Fine, white meat it was.  “Alright, let’s go.”

                He led her to a secluded part of the base and his hands were immediately everywhere.  Jasper wanted to ask if he was an octopus…make a joke…push him away and give him her rules.  But what if he didn’t listen?  What if he just did whatever he wanted despite her saying no?  So she let him put his hands inside her shirt…under her bra.  She allowed him to kiss her neck as he clumsily bucked against her in an attempt to do it standing, which was nearly impossible since he was shorter.  She pulled him to the ground on top of her.  Chips paused to slip on a condom and then pumped away at her.  “You okay?” 

                “Y-yeah.”  She was not fine.  This was a horrible idea and all she could hear was the rushing of blood in her ears and Sergeant McCoy’s voice saying awful things.

                “You’re quiet.” 

                “I’m fine,” she insisted.  Jasper tried to keep from feeling sick, instead focusing on some kind of stain on the wall and randomly moaning to make him think she was enjoying this.  The way he grabbed at her and bucked wildly reminded her of some teenager having sex for the first time.  Too much excitement for something that, quite honestly, was pretty lackluster.   Chips finished quickly and she hoped the noises she’d made were convincing enough to pass for an orgasm. 

                When it was over, Chips got up and wiped sweat from his forehead.  “It was good for you, too, right?”

                Jasper stood and fastened her pants.  “Yeah.” 

                She’d lied.  She’d never had to lie.  Usually there was something she could find about the experience that was good, but this time she’d lay under him hardly able to breathe, keeping everything in so she didn’t panic.  What should have left her with fulfillment now made her feel hollow inside.

*

                The night’s darkness was punctuated with the flashes of gunshots and bombs.  Her ears rang with the noise as she ducked behind a sand dune, bullets barely missing her.  She peered over when the noise temporarily stopped and she tried to visualize the terrorists in the shadows.  It didn’t help that they wore black. 

                A loud explosion went off nearby in a flash and Jasper tilted her head down as sand rained on her.  She heard someone crying out nearby and looked over to see an arm covered in Marine camouflage on the ground, separated from its owner.  A scream from her left found her ears and she saw one of the large men in black clothes throwing a small soldier over his shoulder.  Her heart practically leapt into her throat. 

                Ruby. 

                She was pounding on his back, kicking and flailing, but it didn’t seem to bother him.  Her rifle hung from her in such a way it would be impossible for her to get it.  The man called out in Arabic: “Hey!  I got us a woman!” 

                “Oh, no you didn’t,” Jasper said under her breath as she took aim.  It was too dangerous to try and get him in the back with Ruby moving around as she was. 

                “Palamo, are you crazy?!”  Sergeant Mc Coy was at her side.  “You can’t shoot him from behind – you could hit Diaz!” 

                Behind.  Jasper smirked, lined up her scope and pumped two bullets into the man’s right butt cheek.  He yelped, dropping Ruby before cussing in his native language.  Ruby scrambled to her feet and ran towards them.  The man rolled over grabbed his own gun and fired at her.  She fell to the sand.  Sergeant McCoy stood, wordlessly shot the man three times in the chest until he went down then ran over, scooping Ruby up and sprinting off with her toward the medic. 

                Jasper saw the terrorist roll over.  The bastard was probably wearing a bullet-proof vest similar to what she had on.  She raised her rifle, but before she could fire, a loud explosion went off so close to her she was thrown off her feet and landed a few yards away.  Her back hit the ground, her head smacking hard against the sand.  The wind was knocked out of her and blackness was edging in from the corners of her eyesight. 

                Another bomb rocked the area and she felt the spray of sand.  Something soft and warm plopped on her stomach and she felt liquid seeping into the areas of her uniform not covered by protective gear.  Her eyes gazed upward, unblinking at the stars that watched her from the heavens as she heard gunshots from mere feet away.  A face appeared – a terrorist, pointing a gun at her, and starting at her with intense eyes.  A boot nudged her shoulder. 

                A rough voiced asked in Arabic: “Shall I shoot him?” 

                “Don’t waste your bullets.”  The terrorist disappeared from her vision.  “This one’s already dead.” 


	2. Debates

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so if you read the first chapter before 9/10/18, there is a change - I changed their location to the Pacific Northwest. The reason for this was I originally had the characters living on the East Coast, but I've never lived there and rarely visited. This change just seemed natural for me as I can write with much more first hand experience as far as as location. Eventually I will be updating and changing Twice in a Lifetime to reflect this. Being that Earning her Stripes is now a stand alone, spin off of this series, I am NOT changing that one. 
> 
> Also, I am gearing up for conventions in October. I have four chapters of this written and am slowly working on the fifth one, but it will be slow-going as I need to turn my attention to cosplay. But never fear, once November hits I'll be able to do a lot more writing.

**Chapter 2 - Debates**

_August 2005_

Amethyst

                “I need to get something for the first day of school that makes a statement.  I mean, we’re going into tenth grade, so I need to shake up my image a little.”  Amethyst walked through the mall with Peridot, looking around at the shops.  “What are you wearing?” 

                Peridot shuffled next to Amethyst, her hair wild and her flannel shirt about two sizes too big.  “I’d like to wear what I normally do, but Mom found this old blue dress of Pearl’s…”

                “You can’t wear your sister’s hand-me-down.  I wouldn’t be caught dead in something Jasper wore.”  She recalled seeing Jasper leaving the house in attire that challenged the school’s dress code.  She remembered her mother’s shocked expression as she chased her sister down the driveway holding a long coat.  Her mom had probably burned those clothes the second Jasper left for boot camp four years ago.  

                “Well, Mom isn’t going to let me wear flannel and jeans.  She was more than a little…” her voice dropped so Amethyst could hardly hear her.  “Ticked…that I wore it for my school picture last year.”

                A corset top in a store window caught her attention and Amethyst grabbed Peridot’s hand, pulling her inside the store that was playing rock music from somewhere above them.  She found the rack with the beautiful purple and black lace tops on it.  It laced in front and conjured up images of maidens from long ago, but she could easily make it look more modern with a short skirt and maybe fingerless gloves made from fishnet tights.  “I should dye my hair purple!”

                Peridot shifted uncomfortably and shoved her hands in her pockets.  “Your mom is not going to like it.”

                “Fffft, I’ll just tell her I do what I want.”  

                Her best friend scoffed.  “Yeah, _that’ll_ go over well.”

                Amethyst frowned as she held the top to her body.  It was obvious without trying it on that it would not fit, but the next size up might.  She searched the rack, but couldn’t find an XXL.  She took the shirt up to the counter.  “Um, do you have this in a bigger size?” 

                The salesgirl surveyed Amethyst with heavily made up eyes and popped a bubble with her gum.  “No.  We run small through XL.” 

                “What about special order?” 

                The older teenager sighed and tossed her head to move the dark hair from her eyes.  “I said: our clothes run _small_ through _XL_.  You could try Lane Bryant.”

                “Dude, my _mom_ shops there.  I want to wear something cool.” 

                “We have some lipsticks – some socks and other accessories, but none of our clothes are gonna fit you, honey.”  She gave a half-hearted shrug.  “Sorry.” 

                “Um…”  Anger burned in her, but she attempted to keep her cool.  The decision not to carry larger sizes came from up above, not from this girl who simply worked the register.  Amethyst looked at the glass case, spying some purple hair dye and pointed at it.  “Could I get two bottles?”

                Before they left the store, she also bought some black lipstick, a dark eye shadow palette and talked Peridot into getting a green dress studded with spikes, chains and a leather belt from the clearance rack.  At least one of them was able to fit into their clothes.  Peridot bounced her black shopping bag with its red lettering.  “I don’t know if this is really me.”

                “You need to shake up your image a little.  You know, I can’t wear what I want, but you have a figure…well, sort of.  Anyway, you’re skinny enough to wear awesome things, so you should.”

                Peridot pushed her green-rimmed glasses up her nose.  “I like being comfortable.”

                “Come on.  I need to get home and hide this hair dye before my mom sees it.” 

                “Me too – I mean, I should get home.  Pearl leaves tomorrow, so my mom is making this fancy dinner.” 

                “It’s hard when your sister leaves…”

                “But Jasper will be back soon, right?” 

                “Yeah – next month I think.  Not sure exactly when though.” 

                “See, we both understand.” 

                “Um, Per – Pearl going to college three hours away and Jasper being halfway around the world getting shot at are two completely different things.” 

                The bus ride and walk back to their neighborhood was uneventful, unless stopping at a convenience store to buy soda counted as an event…no, it didn’t.  Amethyst sighed as she said good-bye to Peridot and trudged three houses down to her own home where she opened the door.  Her mom was on the phone in the kitchen.  Perfect, she could slip on up the stairs and hide the hair dye before…

                “Thank you for letting me know,” her mother said before the familiar beep of her hanging up the cordless phone found her ears.  “Amethyst, is that you?” 

                “Uhhh…no – it’s a ghost.  Wooooo.” 

                “Let me see what you bought for school.” 

                “Hold on a sec…I, uh, I really need to take a dump!”  She sprinted up the stairs as best she could and heard her mother following behind her. 

                “What do you have in that bag?!” 

                “Nothing!”  Amethyst opened her bedroom door, skidded inside and threw the bag in her closet. 

                Her mother, Penina, came in right after her, huffing at the energy exerted.  She still wore her pink scrubs from the hospital, but her hair was down, hanging in dark waves down her back with only a touch of gray.  “What did you buy?” 

                Amethyst’s heart thudded…would her mom be more upset about the hair dye or the Dr Pepper in her bag?  She thought about how her mom was always on her about her weight and since she couldn’t wear what she wanted, maybe she should just surrender the soda.  But…it would taste so good after walking in that heat. 

                “Show me right now or I’ll _sasa_ you with my hairbrush.”

                “I’m fifteen and I don’t think spanking is legal anymore.”

                “It’s legal in _this_ house!”

                She gave an exasperated sigh and turned to her closet, digging in her bag.  Oh, the makeup – perfect.  “I just bought some makeup.” 

                Penina took it and examined it.  “This is for Halloween, not every day at school.  Besides you don’t need makeup.  What else?” 

                “Now, this shirt I might need a strapless bra for…” 

                “What kind of shirt you need a strapless…” her mom held up the dark purple stretchy shirt with black mesh at the top.  “What?  No – we’re taking this back.” 

                “I can’t!  Final markdowns!” 

                “Well, you’re not wearing it.”  Penina huffed and put it over her arm.  “Come on, what else?” 

                Crap.  Amethyst begrudgingly took one bottle of hair dye out of the bag and gave it to her.  “I thought maybe…”

                “What is this?!  No – you’re not coloring your hair purple.” 

                “Jasper dyes her hair!”  Amethyst protested. 

                “It’s brown – that looks natural and Jasper is an adult.  You are not going to school looking like a Halloween hooligan.”  She turned and walked off, muttering something about Amethyst spending her hard-earned money on junk. 

                Amethyst huffed and slammed the door once her mother was gone, eliciting Penina to yell down the hall: “You slam that door one more time I’ll take it off!”

                Yeah, how often had she heard that?  She dug in her bag, pulling out the bottle of Dr Pepper, twisting the cap off and chugging some of it.  A large belch followed.  “I’m just not allowed to be myself, I guess.”  Soda wasn’t enough, so she opened her desk drawer, extracting a candy bar and ripping open the wrapper.  She spent the next half hour mindlessly munching on it and flipping through a fashion magazine while her headphones played rock music into her ears so loudly it drowned out all other sound.  She didn’t even realize her father was home until he came into her room and his lips moved without words.

                Amethyst removed her headphones.  “What?” 

                “Too loud.  Come on, you don’t want to ruin your hearing.”  He moved her CD player and headphones off to the side and the bed sagged and let out a groan of protest as he sat down.  “Your mother says you two had a fight today.” 

                “She doesn’t get me.  I want to find my own…look, you know.”  Amethyst turned the magazine over.  “I want to look like her.” 

                Her father raised an eyebrow.  “You’re not piercing the inside of your nose.  She looks like a bull.” 

                “No, Dad – her clothes.  I want to wear something dark and mysterious and cool.”  She sighed.  “But I guess I don’t really have the body to show off my belly like that.”  She recalled the clothes Jasper used to wear and how her stomach was perfect and flat, her abs clearly visible.  “I wish I was prettier.” 

                “You stop that talk right now.”  He put a hand under her chin and lifted her head.  “You are beautiful, Peanut.” 

                Oh sure, Jasper got to be his ‘Baby Girl’ whereas Amethyst was likened to a peanut.  “I’m fat.  Why didn’t I come out looking like Jasper?”              

                Her father gave her a kind smile.  “Because you aren’t her.  You’re you.  You look like your mother and I think she’s beautiful just the way she is.” 

                “Yeah, but she was probably skinny when you met her?” 

                “No, she was about the same size actually.”  He pressed his forehead against hers lovingly.  “You know, we like our bigger girls, too.” 

                Of course he would see her as beautiful.  He was her dad – it was required or something.  “Chyeah…maybe that works in our community, but high school boys don’t think the same way.” 

                Her dad pulled away.  “Boys?  What boys?”  

                “Just guys in school I might want to date.”  She noticed his eyes narrowing.  “What you want me to date girls?” 

                “Girls wouldn’t get you pregnant.” 

                Amethyst laughed.  “What do you think I’m gonna do?  Go wild?  I’d be happy just going to the movies with a boy.”

                He patted her hand as her mom called up the stairs that dinner was ready.  “You will – someday, someone will realize how pretty you are.  Come on, let’s eat.”

                They prayed before digging into their dinner of chicken casserole, which Amethyst took a huge helping of.  Despite there being some canned vegetables added, there was also copious amounts of sour cream, cream cheese and the whole thing was topped with flakey dough usually reserved for crescent rolls.  She reflected on how her mom would say something about the soda she’d had…half of which was still sitting in the bottle…but then cooked something like this for dinner.  Amethyst noticed how much she did, in fact, look like her mother, right down to their curvy frames and round faces.  Being a nurse, Penina should have known better, but she had high blood pressure and was pre-diabetic.  Her father had once been in shape as she’d seen in photos, but in recent years, his belly had expanded and he was on medication for blood pressure and cholesterol.  And Amethyst knew with this family history, she should probably be careful sooner rather than later, but man, was her mom’s casserole good!  She took a second helping as the phone rang and her father turned to pluck it off the wall. 

                “Fetuao, not during dinner,” her mother said. 

                “It could be important.”  He checked the caller ID.  “US Government.”  He answered and stood, walking out into the living room. 

                Amethyst put down her fork and tried to listen, fearing the worst.  “Mom…is it Jasper?” 

                “I don’t know.” 

                “What if…” She couldn’t finish that thought.  But no, she’d been told someone would come to their door and break _that_ news in person.  

                It was a few tense moments before her father returned to the kitchen, hung up the phone and sat down.  “First of all, Jasper is alive and not severely injured.  They wanted to let us know her unit was attacked and suffered some casualties before it hit the news.” 

                “How many died?”  Penina asked. 

                Fetuao took a breath before answering.  “Nine soldiers, seven Marines.  Jasper has a concussion, but they expect her to recover in a few days, so they’re not sending her home and she’ll call when she can.”

                Amethyst’s mother made the sign of the cross.  “I’m thankful she’s okay, but all those families…” 

                “It is sad,” her father agreed with a nod.  “But they knew the sacrifice they might have to make.” 

                Amethyst stirred the food on her plate and wondered if Jasper really felt that way.  Still, she sat there feeling the same relief her parents must’ve that at least – for now – she was safe. 

*

_September 2005_

Jasper

                Ruby was gone.  It was a fact that didn’t really sink in until Jasper had been released from the medic a week after the attack and returned to her living quarters to see her fellow soldier’s bed empty and her side of the room looking very sparse.  She imagined they must be having the funeral soon – back home – maybe even today.  She thought of the others who had gone home in flag-covered caskets…Brenner, Logan, DuPree.  She’d talked to them, laughed and joked together just that morning.  Chips was gone too…she hadn’t even known his first name.  But not her…no, she’d gotten lucky.  Stuck in a position where she’d been on the brink of unconsciousness, her diaphragm paralyzed so she couldn’t breathe for a moment – that’s when the terrorists had decided to shoot her.  And they might have…if she hadn’t been covered in blood…if someone else’s innards hadn’t landed on her making her look as though she’d been ripped open. 

                It had been a devastating loss…both the battle…and her fellow servicemen.  Why had she been spared?  Why was she still sitting here alive?  Why did she get to go home at the end of the month, her deployment complete, without any scars to show for it?  She zipped up her jacket and put her cover on her head.  There was no time to grieve – once she stepped out in her uniform she’d have to be in soldier mode and that meant putting her human side in the backseat.  It meant forgetting for the next several hours that such a horrible thing had happened…to move forward and not think about seeing so many young people gunned down…blown up…things no one should ever see.  It was ingrained in her mind, but she pushed it down…down to that place where she kept memories of that horrible dream.

                The dream seemed secondary, but that too had to remain locked away…a dream, that’s all.  If it wasn’t – if she somehow believed it had really happened, she couldn’t even look at Sergeant McCoy without feeling sick.  Of the two people from her squad who had survived…why did one of them have to be him?  

                It was halfway through the day that Moritz approached her.  One of her fuckbuddies…or was…she wasn’t sure she’d be doing that anymore.  “Hey, Tiger.  You okay?” 

                “Yeah.  My head feels better, but my dad always said I had a hard head.”  She laughed nervously.  “Anyway, if you’re looking for…well, I don’t think that’s a good idea anymore.” 

                “Shut up, Tiger – I’m not after that.  I mean, the sex is good, but believe it or not I do consider you my friend.  I was concerned when I found out you were injured.” 

                Jasper gave Moritz a half smile.  “Thank you.” 

                “I’d hug you, but we’re out in the open.  It sucks about Brenner – he was a good guy.” 

                She nodded in agreement.  “He knew it was a possibility.” 

                “I heard the higher-ups aren’t happy with the way Sergeant McCoy lead the squad that night.  He might end up getting court marshaled.” 

                “Great.”  She rolled her eyes.  “Now I’ll have to deal with his ass being in a bad mood all afternoon.” 

                “Not just his ass, the rest of him too.”  Moritz laughed. 

                Jasper chuckled sincerely for what seemed like the first time in a long time.  She had less than a month left…she could do this.  She could finish out her time in this hot, barren wasteland and then return home…go back to base at Snowy Mountain just in time to feel the air get crisp and smell that heavenly aroma of the ground before it started to rain.  As she went about her day she imagined the winter and the first time she’d walk outside into the chill to hear the snow crunching under her boots.  Well, hopefully they’d get snow.  There was always plenty on the mountain, but not so much in the lowlands.  She thought about what she’d eat when she arrived…rocky road ice cream…her mother’s corned beef and potato hash…oh, jalapeño poppers…

                “Good afternoon, Corporal.” 

                God in heaven…not him.  She saluted quickly.  “Sergeant McCoy…good afternoon.” 

                “I saw you talking with Moritz.”  His mouth twisted up in a smile.  “Visit the storage area again?”

                _Not every guy is an insufferable pig_ , she wanted to say.  “No, sir.  He was glad to see I had recovered.”

                “I have something to discuss with you in private.” 

                Her stomach flip-flopped inside her and her heart pounded.  “I think we can talk about it…”

                “In private, Corporal.”

                Jasper’s hands shook the entire way as she followed him to an office space.  Once inside the room, the door clicked shut and her only thought was to unlock it and flee.  “May I ask what this is regarding?” 

                Sergeant McCoy looked at her up and down.  “They’re investigating the way I led the siege that night.  They may ask you some questions…now listen, I cannot be court marshaled.  I need you to have my back.” 

                “Why would I do that, sir?”  It wasn’t as if she had been paying too much attention to the orders he’d given the other soldiers, only what he’d told her to do. 

                “We’re in this together.” 

                “If asked, my duty is to be truthful.” 

                He nodded and circled her.  “You disobeyed a direct order I gave you that night.  I told you not to shoot at the enemy – the one holding Private Diaz.”

                “That’s not how I remember it.  You told me I was crazy for trying, you never said…”

                “Ah, but then you suffered a concussion.  So, I’m not sure your memory of that night is very good and that’s what you’ll say if anyone comes asking.  As for your insubordination, I don’t _have_ to tell anyone about that…”  Sergeant McCoy stood in front of her and began unbuckling his belt.  “If you do me a favor.” 

                Rage boiled in her and it took everything to keep her voice level.  “Sir, I will go higher up than you and report this…” 

                “Go ahead; I’ll go to them too and report you.  Believe me, they’ll go a lot harder on you than they will on me.  Insubordination could mean dishonorable discharge.  Is that what you want?”  He’d undone his pants and eased his cock out.  “Or do you want to get on your knees and we can forget this whole mess?” 

                This was a dream…some insanity brought on in the aftermath of her concussion…it had to be.  Jasper shut her eyes and turned her head.  “I’ve met some pricks in my day, but you, sir, are a fucking cactus.” 

                She made a move to leave, but he grabbed her arms and pushed her up against a wall.  McCoy leaned in, hissing in her ear.  “You walk out that door and just see how fast I can ruin your career.” 

                The Army was all she knew…it was routine and regulation…she’d be completely lost outside of it now.  A dishonorable discharge would mean no help from the government.  She’d be on her own to figure things out, to get health insurance…to get a job…to pay for school. 

He was kissing her neck, bringing back all the horrible thoughts of the previous dream.  He could be bluffing; he may not go up the chain of command…may not report her at all.  She couldn’t take that chance.  His lips found hers and she felt complete disgust rise in her as she returned his kisses.  She wanted to push him away…to yell at him…to drive her steel-toed boot right into his expanded dick, breaking it and forcing his balls up into his body. 

McCoy pulled away, his breath against her face.  “Knees, now,” he hissed. 

She had no choice.  She kept her eyes on the locked door as she sank to the floor and wondered when she’d wake up from this nightmare.

*

Amethyst

                The halls were crowded as Amethyst and Peridot made their way through toward their homeroom, which was also their English class.  “I can’t wait until next year when I can choose an elective English class,” Amethyst said.  “I want to do creative writing.”

                “I wonder if they’ll let me write Camp Pining Hearts fanfiction.”

                Amethyst laughed.  “All of yours are about Percy and Pierre boinking each other and using maple syrup for lube or some shit.  I don’t think they’ll allow it.”

                “What’s lube?”  Peridot pushed her glasses up on her face. 

                “Uhhh…yeah, we’re gonna have a talk later.”  Her best friend was far too sheltered for her own good.  “Why didn’t you wear that dress I got you?”

                She looked down at her standard jeans and flannel.  “My mom saw me in it and freaked out.  It’s going back to the store.” 

                “Bummer, man.  My mom says I can’t dye my hair, so I might shave my head, you know…really stick it to her.” 

                Peridot opened the door to their classroom.  “You would cry and probably be grounded, which would make you cry more.” 

                “Chyeah…”  Amethyst took a seat near the back, the chair of the desk creaking a bit.  She had a perfect view of Seth Reuben from where she sat.  God, he was perfect…olive skin, tousled black hair with a hint of a curl…hazel eyes.  He was a football player – strong, athletic.  Maybe she’d write a story about the two of them…about where her fantasies would like to go. 

                “Amethyst Paloma,” the teacher called as she took attendance.

                “Here.” 

                Peridot gave her an incredulous look.  “She got your name wrong.” 

                Amethyst’s eyes flickered over to Seth as his name was called.  “Uh-huh…”

                By the end of class, their assignment was to write a report about a controversial topic and turn it in by Friday.  They would also have to make an oral presentation about it in class the following week.  “I want to see how you write and how you present your argument – for or against – to the class.  I also run the debate team and I will speak to those of you I think will be a good fit,” Ms. Goodwin told them.

                “What class do you have next?”  Peridot asked. 

                Amethyst checked her schedule and wrinkled her nose.  “Algebra.   You?”

                “Biology.”  Her friend must’ve memorized it because she didn’t need to check her schedule.  “What are you thinking about writing for your report?” 

                “I don’t know.  Maybe abortion.  I mean, I could ask my mom about it since she works in OB.” 

                “For or against?” 

                She scoffed.  “My mom would _kill_ me if I wrote arguing for abortion.  What about you?”

                “I was considering gay marriage.” 

                Was Peridot for real?  “You know if you do everyone will think you’re a lesbo.”

                “You don’t have to be gay to support gay rights.” 

                “It’s high school.  If I were you I’d pick a different topic like sexual harassment or homelessness.” 

                “It’s something I feel strongly about.”  Peridot stopped at the door of her science class.  “See you at lunch?”

                Amethyst thought about her assignment all day and that night at dinner didn’t beat around the bush.  “Mom, does your hospital ever perform abortions?” 

                “Why do you ask?  Are you pregnant?” 

                She scoffed again.  What did her parents think she was?  Some kind of slut?  “If I am then I’m carrying God’s child or something and I don’t think He’d pick me to be the mother.  No, I’m doing an assignment for school and I just wondered if you might be able to help.” 

                “I’m not sure that’s an appropriate topic for dinner…or for your report,” Penina remarked. 

                “I could always write in favor of gay marriage like Peridot.” 

                Her mother crossed her herself, shaking her head.  “You kids these days.  One man – one woman – as it should be.” 

                “Hey, I’m not the one writing that report, Jesus…”

                “Excuse me?”  Her father asked. 

                “Geez, I meant ‘geez’.” 

                “I don’t like that word either,” her mother pointed a finger at her.  “Now, yes, we sometimes do abortions.  I try not to assist on them.  If I counsel a young woman I ask her if she’s really sure and urge her to take time to think about it.  I think I have saved a few babies this way.  Sometimes I think it’s acceptable if the mother’s life is in danger.  It’s sad to lose the baby, but it would be worse to lose both of them.” 

                Amethyst nodded.  So, being against it really didn’t mean being totally against it.  “What about rape?  I mean…if it wasn’t her decision to have sex then shouldn’t she…” 

                “The baby doesn’t choose how it’s conceived.” 

                “Right, but if the mother…” 

                “I don’t like thinking about things like that.” 

                “But things like that happen every day.  What if it happened to me and I was pregnant?  Would you seriously make me keep it?”  Amethyst asked, her voice tinged with disbelief. 

                Penina closed her eyes and set her fork down, sighing.  “I don’t want to think about that happening to you…or your sister…ever.”  Her hand shook as her husband covered it.  “I don’t like thinking about it.” 

                “Perhaps you should choose a different topic for your report, Peanut,” Fetuao suggested.

                All Amethyst knew as she quietly did her other homework that night was she had never seen her mother react like that to anything.  Had something happened to her?  What if she’d had an abortion herself years ago and the guilt was eating away at her?  Maybe she should change her report.  She sighed.  But it was an important topic and one not likely to go away anytime soon.  A memory stirred of a few years ago when it was much a heated debate between Jasper and her mother…

*

_November 2000_

                “Eh, Jasper where are you going dressed like that?”  Penina demanded to know.

                Jasper looked down at her orange tank top paired with a denim mini-skirt.  “Lacy and I are doing this march in Emerald City for women’s rights.” 

                “What’s this sign.”  Her mom read it when Jasper held it up.  “‘My body, my choice’ – what choice?” 

                “The choice to choose.” 

                Her father looked up from his newspaper.  “I was unaware you didn’t have the choice to make choices…for instance – you chose to wear that…in November.  And when you’re freezing your butt off and come down with pneumonia, then you remember – that’s _your_ choice.”

                Amethyst looked up from her cereal.  “I chose Cinnamon Toast Crunch.” 

                Jasper rolled her eyes.  “This is _way_ beyond your understanding, Ames, but I’m doing this for you – understand – for your future.”  She turned back to their mom.  “Some states are trying to keep women from being able to have safe access to…” Jasper’s eyes flickered to Amethyst, “…certain methods of birth control.” 

                “That is not birth control.”  Penina dropped her voice.  “That is murder.”

                “Not everyone thinks so.  Just be thankful I’m safe.” 

                Penina turned slowly.  “Eh?  Are you saying you’ve…done it?  You know, _it_?”

                “I don’t think that’s really your business.”

                “You’re my daughter…”

                “I’m eighteen!”  Jasper protested.  “I’m an adult and as such, I…”

                “You still live under this roof!” 

                Jasper was silent for a moment, hands on her hips then nodded before speaking.  “Fine – I’ll move in with Lacy then I’ll be on my own and I can have all the sex I want…”

                “Jasper!”

                “All the hot, steamy, LOUD SEX I want to have!” 

                “Jasper, your sister can hear you…”

                Amethyst continued munching on her cereal, unsure yet what sex even was or what they were talking about.

                “With women even!”

                “Oh my…”  Penina crossed herself.  “And is that what you would do?  If you got pregnant you would…” 

                “I’m not saying that, but I want to have the _choice_.  And should that be my decision, I want to be able to have it done safely.”

                “You ever make that choice then you choose to deal with it on your own because I do not support it.”  Her mother began heading for the kitchen.

                Jasper took her sign and headed toward the door.  Fetuao folded his newspaper and walked the short distance to the door.  “Baby Girl, wait.”  He grabbed a jacket from the closet and wrapped it around her shoulders.  “It’s cold out there.”

                “Thanks, Dad.”  A car honked from outside and Jasper took off through the door to try and change the world.

*

_September 2005_

                It was only now, years later that Amethyst realized what her sister was trying to do.  Jasper wasn’t necessarily pro-abortion, she was pro-choice and there was a difference.  Amethyst took out a pen and paper and began writing. 

*

                “So…there have been multiple studies showing that children raised by two parents of the same sex are as well adjusted as children who have…uh…two parents that aren’t…” Peridot’s voice faltered and weakened.  Already many members of the class had made their disgust known and Amethyst felt sorry for her friend. 

                “Okay, but if the kid sees his two dads kissing he’s gonna think that’s normal and end up gay himself, then we’ll have a bunch of gay babies running around,” Seth interjected. 

                “Seth, I’ve warned you four times,” Ms. Goodwin’s voice sounded tired of his comments.  “Peridot, please continue.” 

                “Actually, multiple studies indicate…”  Peridot dropped her cards and her face flushed with embarrassment.  “Um…that…uh…most humans have some kind of homosexual tendencies…even if they identify…”

                “Not me!”  Seth protested.  “I ain’t no fag, alright!”

                “N-not everyone…”

                “Seth, go to the principal’s office, now,” Ms. Goodwin ordered.  “I won’t tolerate that word in my classroom.  Peridot, why don’t you sit down?  I think this is too much a heated topic.”  She looked at her list.  “Amethyst, you’re up next.” 

                Amethyst took her place up at the front of the classroom.  For some reason, public speaking had never made her nervous.  Rather, she felt calm and collected as she presented what she’d learned to the class and answered their questions.  “In conclusion, pro-choice does not mean you are necessarily _for_ abortion.  I, as a Catholic individual, would not consider this for myself should I ever find myself with an unwanted pregnancy, but it is not my place to tell any other woman what her choice should be.  It’s not my place, your place, the place of a church or of the government.  It comes down to her individual decision and as long as we keep that in mind then we owe it to those women to give them the opportunity for safe and understanding place to have this done.  Thank you.” 

                After class, her teacher asked a few individuals to stay after for a moment and discussed the benefits of the debate club with Amethyst and the other three students.  “You all have not only great writing skills, but also public speaking abilities.  This will give you the opportunity to perfect these traits and will look good on college applications.” 

                Amethyst rolled her eyes.  Yeah, more school after school…plus, with her math and science grades, it was unlikely she was headed for anywhere besides community college or tech school anyway.  Peridot had not been asked to stay behind and as soon as Amethyst met her by the door, she told her all about debate club.  “I don’t think that’s for me.” 

                “I’m doing Mathletes.” 

“Because you are a neeeerrrrd.”  Amethyst tousled Peridot’s already messy hair.  “Since Kindergarten I’ve been in the ‘Go Home Right After School Club’ and I’m not sure I want to break my streak.”  She laughed, but inwardly wondered if she should go for it.

 *

Jasper

                It was the moment she’d been waiting for eighteen long months.  Boots on the ground.  She was finally home.  She hadn’t told her family.  She really didn’t want them to wait as she went through processing and the homecoming ceremony.  Her room in the barracks here was likely to be nicer than the one she’d shared with Ruby back in Iraq.  She’d have a day off, but even then she had to go in for a post-deployment physical and a week of meetings and briefings before her unit was on leave for a month.  She figured she’d surprise them after all that.

                She reported for her physical the following day.  A nurse took her vitals, telling her they were all normal and she waited in a room for the doctor.  The nurse looked at her chart and made a few notes.  “You missed a question on your intake form.  When was the date of your last period?” 

                Jasper had missed it because she couldn’t remember.  She should probably keep track of that sort of thing.  It was the end of September now…had she had one this month…at all?  She shrugged.  “August, I think?” 

                “When in August?” 

                “I don’t know…the middle sometime.  I don’t really keep track.” 

                “It says here you were prescribed birth control – when did you finish your last pack?” 

                Her heart pounded.  “It…I couldn’t remember to take it every day, so I kind of stopped.” 

                “So what are you doing for birth control?” 

                “Condoms.” 

                “Every time?” 

                It took everything in her not to roll her eyes.  “Yes.  If he says no to that, I say no to sex.”

                “And your cycle has always been normal?” 

                “I guess…you know, I don’t really pay attention.” 

                “It’s important to,” the nurse said with a smile. 

                _Yeah, you go over there and I guarantee you’ll be paying more attention to not stepping on a bomb than whatever the fuck your uterus is doing._   Jasper sighed as the nurse left and she waited again on the table.  She rubbed her eyes then tilted her head back closing them for a moment just as there was a knock on the door.  Jasper moved her head to the side before holding still again as the doctor entered, the nurse following behind him. 

                He shook her hand.  “How are you feeling today?” 

                “Tired.” 

                “You had a long flight yesterday so that’s not surprising.  Your vitals are normal and your blood work is fine.”  He felt the glands in her neck and listened to her heart and lungs with a cold stethoscope.  “Now, I want to go over something the nurse put in her notes.  It’s been almost six weeks since you’ve had a period?” 

                What the fuck?  “Yeah, I guess.  I don’t really know.  Maybe I can try an IUD – I heard you don’t even have periods on those.”

                He nodded and flipped.  “Some women don’t, but I can’t prescribe any form of birth control right now.  We got your urine test back.  You’re pregnant.”

                The room spun around her and for a moment Jasper thought she might fall right off the table, but she took a deep breath.  Maybe she’d heard him wrong.  “Excuse me?” 

                “Your pregnancy test came back positive.” 

                “I didn’t ask for one.”

                “It’s standard for every female soldier.  According to the dates here you likely conceived around the end of August putting you at about five weeks.” 

                The end of August.  She thought back.  There was Brenner.  The disappointing tryst with Chips.  She’d had a quickie with Moritz right after her period ended, but that may have been too early for him to be the father.  No, there was no possible way he could be – or any of them.  “I used condoms – every time – with everyone.”

                “Nothing is one hundred percent effective.  There may have been a small hole in one.” 

                Great…she didn’t know and two of the men were dead.  Her heart pounded.  What was she going to do now?  This would go over great at Sunday dinner.  ‘Hey, Mom, Dad – I’m a total slut and now I’m pregnant…’  She may be an adult, but she knew they’d still be disappointed.  Maybe she could twist the story – she’d been romantically involved with one of them…Brenner, maybe…and he’d died and now she needed help.  They’d help, right? 

                “I’ll have to inform your command, of course.  They’ll get you on a modified physical training regimen.” 

                Her command.  God…they were going to know.  Whether there were rules or not, it wasn’t exactly dignified behavior to be sleeping around on deployment.  “Um…okay.” 

                “We will set up your first prenatal appointment and I’ll prescribe some vitamins for you to start taking.” 

                _Slut…_

                That wasn’t her voice in her mind and she remembered the feeling of being smothered under another body.  No, that had been a dream.  She’d established that.  Dreams didn’t get a person pregnant. 

                He had said no to using a condom. 

                So she had said no to sex. 

                “Do you have any questions?” 

                Jasper bit her lip.  He had done it anyway.  She remembered the stickiness and felt sick.  No!  It was a dream!  A horrible, awful dream she never wanted to think about again! 

                “Corporal?  Are you okay?” 

                Dreams didn’t get someone pregnant.  So either she wasn’t pregnant, or it wasn’t a dream.  She swallowed and took a few deep breaths to keep from passing out or throwing up.  Finally she heard herself speak.  Her voice sounded far away and she couldn’t believe the words coming out.  “I need some information on…termination.”


	3. Decisions

** Chapter 3 - Decisions **

_October 2005_

Jasper

                It played over and over in her head.  Jasper couldn’t believe she was in this predicament.  She’d been so careful…so safe…and then in one night, Sergeant McCoy had shattered her world and knocked her up.  She’d like to knock him up – upside the head with an axe.  She had to sit in meetings and briefings with him throughout the week despising the sight of him.  She hated the way he looked at her with a sly smile playing on his face.  He knew what parts of her felt like…looked like…he knew the taste of her kisses.  These things she’d reserved for someone special, he’d just helped himself to.  She hated him for it.  She just plain _hated_ him. 

                It was two days before her leave began that she was called to see Sergeant-Major Jackson – the commander leading her unit – in his office.  She entered and saluted.  “Corporal Palamo reporting, sir.” 

                “At ease.”  He sat behind a mahogany desk, his eyes studying her, his face etched with years on the battlefield.  He was the type of commander not to take any shit from anyone – the kind who yelled and chewed people out for the most minor things. 

                He told her to sit down.  Jasper’s heart pounded.  God, what had she done?  Had Sergeant McCoy reported her?  If he had she was going to offer him a blow job and bite his dick off.  

                Instead, Jackson’s face softened and he spoke in a very gentle tone.  “I understand you’re pregnant.”

                Oh…that.  She recalled the doctor saying her command would be notified.  “The doctor thought about five weeks… it would be almost six now.” 

                Jasper expected him to lecture her on proper behavior while deployed, but a lecture never came.  “Is the father in the picture?” 

                She shook her head.  Why did her face feel warm? 

                “You have your options, of course.  I will say being a single parent in the military is difficult, but if you have family to help, which from the things I’ve heard you say about them, you do, it may not be so awful.”  He folded his hands on the desk in front of him.  “As I said, though, you have your options.” 

                There was a pressure behind her eyes that felt familiar.  No…no, no no…she was not going to do this. 

                “We understand this is hard, but you do have the support of the Army no matter what you decide.” 

                _Stop it, Jasper_ , she scolded herself.  _You are not going to…_   But she was.  She felt her face scrunch up and tears fall from her eyes.  God, she was crying – actually fucking crying – in front of her commanding officer.  “I…I don’t know what I’m going to do…” 

                To her surprise, he reached into a drawer and pulled out two tissues, which he handed to her.  “My wife and I have three kids.  I know it’s not an easy time and emotions run high.  I can only imagine how difficult this is for you.” 

                He had no idea.  She was carrying a child fathered by a man who had forced himself on her.  She could do it…she could report Sergeant McCoy right here…right now.  She could rake him over the coals something fierce and get him thrown in jail.  His threats rang in her head…if he went down, so did she.  Jasper swiped at her eyes with the tissue and took a breath.  “I’m sorry, Sergeant-Major…I don’t know…it might be the hormones.”  She did _not_ just say that.  She did _not_ just excuse her behavior with…women’s troubles.

                “Like I said, it’s a rough time, especially for a single mother.  We’ll have you on a modified PT regimen – you’re expected to attend your prenatal visits and parenting classes.”  He gave her a kind smile.  “You’re a tough soldier, Palamo.  You can handle this.” 

                “And…if I choose…to end the pregnancy?”  The words still didn’t sound right. 

                “That is an option.  You will need to bring in documentation from a doctor that the procedure has been performed before you resume your normal duties.  Of course, you’d have to seek treatment outside a military facility should you decide on termination.”

                “Yes, sir.  Thank you for…um…being understanding.” 

                “We’re human and things happen.”  He laughed heartily.  “I know I come off as a hard-ass, but I have some kind of a heart in here.”  He thumped his chest.  “Just don’t let the others know, okay?  I have a reputation to maintain.” 

                “Thank you, sir.  I will take my leave time to think about it and I will let you know of my decision when we return.”  She stood, saluted and walked out.  That could have gone much differently.  As Jasper walked to the barracks she thought about what he’d said: she had options.  He had said she was strong and could handle it.  However, he didn’t have the whole truth.  Was she really going to be able to carry this pregnancy to term?  To watch her body change and give birth to this baby?  She recalled her mother being very truthful about childbirth when she herself had been pregnant with Amethyst.  Jasper hadn’t yet known about sex, but was shown a picture in a book of a baby being born.  The thought of childbirth – even years later – terrified her. 

                She knew, because of the circumstances, some would encourage her to go through with an abortion.  She believed in choice – she did – but she never imagined she’d have to make that choice. 

                She knew her father would support her, as he always had, regardless of her decision.  He’d also want to kill Sergeant McCoy, but so did she.  He may sit her down and remind her of the importance of family.  “Back home,” he would say, “ _aiga_ – the family – is central to our way of life, second only to God.  We will care for you and for your baby.”   Jasper’s home was here and in America it didn’t always work that way.  There was adoption, but her parents would likely try and talk her out of that, or at least try to persuade her to give the baby to a family in the community.  Could she do that?  Could she watch this child grow up from afar knowing it was hers?  Could she handle seeing it at happy celebrations and be reminded of that awful night? 

 _It would be better_ , she thought, _to give it away to strangers and never see it again.  It’s not even a baby – it’s a cluster of cells.  I could just do it now…get rid of it and then I have no reminders of Sergeant McCoy or that night._

                Jasper thought again about her mother…about that book.  Penina’s stomach had already been quite rounded, but she had started at the beginning.  _“After about four weeks, the heart forms and starts beating.  It doesn’t look like a baby yet, but that’s life.”_  

                Somewhere in her body, some of those cells were becoming heart muscle, perhaps already contracting, getting ready for a lifetime of work.  She knew what her mother would say…she recalled what she’d already said: “ _You ever make that choice then you choose to deal with it on your own because I do not support it.”_  

                Her mother would consider it murder.  Once the heart was beating – hell, once the thing was conceived, Penina would have said it was alive.  But was it really?  It couldn’t survive outside of Jasper – not at this point.  It probably didn’t even look human.  Right now, it was a parasite.  She reached the door of the barracks and sighed.  Even parasites were alive. 

                “Palamo!” 

                Jasper groaned.  “Yes, sergeant?” 

                “A word, please.”  Sergeant McCoy’s eyes were dark and he did not look happy.  “In private.”

                “No.  Not after last time.  You can say what you need to here.”

                “You’re pregnant?” 

                Fuck.  Her command included him.  Her eyes narrowed and she lowered her voice.  “In private it is then, but you touch me – in any way – and I swear to God I will go right back to Sergeant-Major Jackson and tell him what you did.”

                “Good luck with that.  Don’t forget – insubordination.” 

                Jackass.  She followed him to his office, which was back in the other building where she’d just met with Jackson.  Jasper stood there, hands on her hips and raised her eyebrow. 

                “I got the doctor’s report.” 

                “Okay.  So?” 

                “You know I brought you to the medic that night after I realized you weren’t dead.  I checked your tags.  You know what it says?” 

                Her name?  Her serial number?  Her date of birth?  She crossed her arms.  “I’m getting tired of games, sir.”

                “It says you’re Catholic.” 

                “And?” 

                He half-sat, half leaned on the side of the desk.  “So, you’re probably not considering abortion.”

                And she had him.  She knew she did.  He knew the baby was his and he was scared.  Usually it would be her word against his, but if she had the baby and a DNA test was done it would help back her up.  “The thought may have crossed my mind.  I don’t know though…I could have it, keep it, put your name on the birth certificate.  How are you going to explain to your wife the child support being taken from your paycheck every month?”

                “You wouldn’t dare…you couldn’t.  On your own?”

                “I have family to help.  I could even stay in the military.  I’m strong – stronger than you think probably and I can do this.” 

                “Remember what you said – that you didn’t want my wife to find out?  Right before you agreed to fuck me.  You knew I was married and you said yes anyway.” 

                “I took it back!” 

                Sergeant McCoy straightened and took a few steps toward her.  “That’s not how I remember it.  You wanted it – you begged me for it.  You slut.  Do you think my wife is going to be happy to hear that?  You said you didn’t want some woman coming on base and screaming at you…” 

                Jasper faced him, her fists at her sides now, shaking with rage.  “I took it back and I said no – and you fucking did it anyway!” 

                “And who do you think my wife is going to believe?”  He dropped his voice.  “I would think long and hard before you go making accusations you can’t back up.”

                “I told you no…and you did it anyway…without protection…” 

                “And where are your witnesses to that conversation?” 

                “You fucking knocked me up…and now what?  You just get to go and live your life and I…” 

                Sergeant McCoy leaned in, the heat of his breath against her ear, causing her to shudder.  “Get rid of it.”

                “I haven’t made any decisions one way or…” 

                “Get rid of it and I’ll leave you alone.  We won’t ever have any private meetings again.  You can go on and go about your life like none of this ever happened.”

                “I don’t…”  She hated him being so close.  The wall was to her back and he was in front of her and her eyes flickered to the door.  She couldn’t breathe as she remembered how he’d held her down. 

                “One more chance.  You are to get rid of it, understand?” 

                Her heart thudded and her only response was to try and slip from between him and the wall and run.  Her sergeant grabbed her, slamming her against the hard surface behind her.  Before she could even think of her next move a shock jolted through her stomach.  She cried out briefly and it was cut off by another blow.  He had punched her…he was trying to make her lose the baby.  Before she knew it, she was on the floor.  She clutched her aching midsection and groaned.  It took her a moment to realize, but he’d punched her too high to even come close to the baby. 

                He took hold of her bun, forcing her head up and turned her so she was looking at him.  “I could make your life so much worse.  You think about that.”  He let go so her cheek smacked against the carpet.  “Dismissed.”

                She didn’t wait for him to assault her further – she scrambled to her feet and ran out of the room, walking quickly to the barracks.  She tried to control her breathing and her trembling hands.  Jasper sat on the bed wanting to forget what she’d just been through…wanting to forget that night a month ago when she’d woken up to terror.  But she couldn’t forget the concern she felt for the baby…the cluster of cells…whatever it was that was growing inside her.  She took a deep breath and heaved out a sigh.  She went on leave in two days…and she had three weeks to make a decision.

*

Amethyst

                It was Saturday morning – too early according to her – when the doorbell rang.  She forced her eyes open and looked at the glowing alarm clock telling her it was almost nine-thirty.  She glanced out the window from under her quilt at the changing leaves and groaned.  She was supposed to see a movie with Peridot later and discuss their Halloween costumes, but she had plenty of time, so she rolled over and closed her eyes again. 

                Her mother’s shrieking caused her eyes to fly open.  Amethyst leapt out of bed and fell to the floor with a thud before scrambling to her feet and dashing down the stairs.  “Mom!  Mom!  What…” 

                Penina had her arms wrapped tightly around Jasper, only letting go when she heard Amethyst’s voice.  “Your sister is home!  Jasper, why didn’t you tell us?” 

                “I had a lot…” 

                Her mother picked up the green duffel bag from the floor.  “This your clothes?” 

                “Yes, but they’re cle…”

                “I’ll wash them.  You must be hungry.” 

                “Actually, my stomach is a little…”

                “I’ll whip up breakfast for you.”  Penina walked off through the kitchen toward the laundry room. 

                Jasper looked up at Amethyst and snickered.  “She hasn’t changed.” 

                Amethyst laughed a little.  “She doesn’t cook breakfast or do my laundry for me.” 

                Fetuao hugged his eldest daughter.  “I’ve missed you, Baby Girl.  I’m glad you came home safe to us.  So, let your mom fuss over you, okay?”  He kissed her forehead.

                It was honestly odd actually seeing her sister in person again.  Of course they’d chatted over video, but she’d forgotten how tall Jasper was until she hugged her again.  Her sister was close to perfect – she had a body most women would kill for.  Her hair was long, the roots dark, giving way to light brown that hadn’t been touched up since the last time she was home.  The vitiligo painting light tones across her tan skin didn’t seem to bother her.  Amethyst envied her confidence.  It was like Jasper knew she looked perfect and when she exchanged her camouflage for civilian clothes that showed her figure, everyone’s heads would turn. 

                Within half an hour, her mom had whipped up corned beef and potato hash for a late breakfast.  She’d also prepared mugs of _koko_ using the special chocolate one of her friends had brought back from Samoa that she saved for very special occasions.  She proudly plunked down a loaf of coconut bread.  “I just made this last night.  Shall we say grace?” 

                “Grace!”  Amethyst exclaimed causing her sister to chuckle. 

                “Cute,” her mom remarked as she sat down.  She closed her eyes with the rest of the family.  “Bless us, O Lord, and these Thy gifts, which we receive from Thy bounty.  We offer special thanks for bringing Jasper home to us safely that we are all together again.  This we pray through Christ, our Lord, Amen.”

                Amethyst immediately piled some hash on her plate and took a thick slice of the coconut bread, which her mom had warmed up in the oven.  “You know what would go great with this?  Butter.”  She rose from the table, getting some from the fridge and put it on the table.

                “Not too much, Ames,” Penina remarked.  “Remember what a hard time we had finding you a homecoming dress?”

                “Is that soon?”  Jasper asked. 

                “It was last weekend,” Amethyst told her. 

                “You go with anyone?”

                “No.  There’s this guy I like but…I don’t think he knows I exist.”

                “So, make him know.”  Jasper reached in front of her and took a tiny slice of bread.  “There’s no law that says you can’t ask him out.” 

                “He’s a football player – really popular.  He’d probably just say no.” 

                Jasper spread a small amount of butter on her bread.  “You gotta have confidence, Ames.  Guys like confidence.”  She took a bite and made a face. 

                Fetuao laughed.  “Did you forget you don’t like coconut?” 

                Amethyst noticed a troubled look crossing her sister’s face for a second before Jasper shrugged.  “I like the smell and, I don’t know, it smelled good.”  She choked down another bite.

                Amethyst was looking forward to spending time with Jasper, but though the family ate dinner together that night, her sister then disappeared into her old room to sleep…for three days apparently.  Wednesday morning at school, she vented to Peridot.  “It’s not fair.  I don’t see her for over a year and she’s just sleeping.  She gets up to go to the bathroom, maybe drink some water and that’s it.”  Peridot opened her mouth to say something, but Amethyst continued on.  “And my dad is just like ‘give her a break – she came home from war, she’s tired’ and I get that, but it would be nice to see a little more of her than passing her on the way to the crapper.”

                She looked up as Seth walked into class and bit her lip.  Jasper had said guys liked confidence.  She should go up and ask him out then, right?  She looked down at her black top and gray leggings with the stars on the knees.  It wasn’t as if she’d dressed to impress, but her makeup was on point, she realized as she looked in her compact mirror. 

                “Pfft, look at her over there,” one of Seth’s friends said.  “If I had an ass that big I wouldn’t be worried about my face.” 

                Were they talking about her?  And so what if his friend thought she was fat, at least her crush didn’t…

                Seth laughed.  “You know what I call her – Pala-mooo.”  He emphasized the last syllable to sound like a cow’s lowing.  “People like to talk about being ‘husky’ or ‘healthy’ – I see her walking down the hall and it’s like: ‘LAWD, SHE COMIN’!’” 

                Peridot gasped beside her.  “Did he just say that?  I’m going to go straight up to that clod and…”

                It hurt, it did…to think he saw her that way – a fat, ugly cow.  Still, she pushed it down as she always did and waved her hand, dismissing it as though it didn’t bother her.  “Pffft, forget it, Per.” 

                “But hearing him say that must make you so…” she lowered her voice, “…peeved.”

                Amethyst rolled her eyes.  “Whatever.”  Then again, maybe she should start eating healthy and exercising like Jasper.  Except she hated exercise.  “Still, I think I’ll have a salad for lunch.” 

                “It’s first period and you’re already thinking about lunch?”  Peridot asked.  Her stomach growled.  “I guess I am, too, but I didn’t eat breakfast.” 

                “How could you not eat breakfast?”  Amethyst thought about the toast she’d had slathered in butter and jam.  She’d nuked bacon in the microwave and fried two eggs in butter.  Her mom had asked if she was really going to eat all of it.  Amethyst had drenched the plate in syrup and dug in.  However, her mother wasn’t the only one who had an adverse reaction to Amethyst’s food.  The front door had opened and shut and Jasper walked in wearing workout clothes. 

                “I didn’t even know you were up,” Penina had said.  “Are you hungry?” 

                “A little.”  Jasper had made a face at Amethyst’s place.  “Not for that though.  American Heart Association breakfast, Ames?”  Instead, her sister had surveyed the fridge and popped open the jar of dill pickles. 

                “Pickles for breakfast?”  Her mother had simply shaken her head. 

                Jasper devoured five of them, crunching and chomping as though they were going to be outlawed tomorrow before putting the jar back.  “Fuck, that was good.”

                “Language!”

                Her sister had followed up her breakfast with a glass of milk, which Amethyst found odd because she failed to see how milk and pickles were a good combination.  Jasper had sat beside her for a moment and Amethyst was filled with envy at her perfection again.  She could go out jogging in a sports bra and tight shorts and looked amazing.  Jasper didn’t even appear to have rolls or any cellulite to speak of.  Was it normal for Amethyst to have it when she was only fifteen?  She bet Jasper didn’t have stretch marks either while she herself had them on her boobs and belly.  It must be easy to be confident when one was built like a fucking Amazon.  Still, she’d given her sister a small smile and got one in return before Jasper’s eyes flickered to her plate and she sprinted down the hall.  The sounds of gagging and retching had echoed from the closed bathroom. 

                And there, sitting in class thinking of that morning, she got it.  She knew exactly what was going on.  It was no secret Jasper loved food, too.  They were from the same parents, so why did one look amazing while Amethyst was built like an over-inflated beach ball?  Because Jasper had discovered the rewind button.  She’d heard of girls doing this, but had never thought to herself.  She hated throwing up – it was disgusting, but it clearly gave Jasper the body she wanted.  She didn’t need all the muscles, so maybe she wouldn’t have to work out, but she could lose weight and be thinner with just the right curves to make the guys go crazy.  Then she could be confident and Seth would have to sit up and take notice. 

                Still, she knew she had to eat something, so she ate lunch as she normally would – pizza and fries – and decided she would not try this in the girls’ bathroom.  Peridot looked up from her sandwich.  “I thought you were getting salad.” 

                “Changed my mind.”  No doubt her mother would whip up something unhealthy for dinner, so she could try getting rid of that and still have her lunch. 

                Sure enough, that evening when she came to the table, her mother had made fried chicken with all the fixings – mashed potatoes and gravy, macaroni and cheese, flaky biscuits waiting for butter and honey.  After a prayer, the family dug in, even Jasper, though she commented: “Mom, there’s not a single vegetable on this table.”

                “There are potatoes.” 

                “Green vegetables.”  

                “Oh, I forgot the coleslaw.”  Penina rose and rummaged in the fridge before plunking a bowl on the table. 

                Jasper chuckled, shaking her head, but took some anyway.  “Thanks, Mom.  You want some, Ames?” 

                “No.  Cabbage gives me wicked bad farts.” 

                “Right, none for you then.”  Jasper moved the bowl away.  “I’m planning to go out Saturday night with Lacy, by the way – for my birthday.”

                “Okay, well, plan to go with us to church Sunday morning,” Penina told her.

                Jasper let out something that sounded like a cross between a laugh and a scoff.  “Jesus Christ…”

“Excuse me?”  Penina raised an eyebrow.

“…is our Lord and Savior – praise His name – hallelujah!”

“Nice save.”

“Yeah, I don’t really do church much anymore.” 

                “After being over there – with the things you’ve done – you should attend confession before Mass.”  There was no wiggle room in Penina’s statement.  Apparently, her eldest daughter was going to both church and confession on Sunday. 

                “Could we maybe do the Saturday evening Mass?”  Jasper asked.  “It’s still at five, right?” 

                “Yes.  We could do that.” 

                Jasper nodded as she took another piece of chicken.  “Then I’ll be done with confession and church and I can still meet Lacy at seven.  She says she has a surprise for me.” 

                “Just don’t drink too much, Baby Girl,” her father admonished. 

                “No worries there.” 

A troubled look crossed Jasper’s face for a split second, so briefly Amethyst wasn’t sure if her parents even noticed.  She felt like reminding them she’d be sixteen in February.  She wanted a huge party, but likely it would be a family dinner.  Were they not even doing a family dinner for Jasper’s?  She made her way upstairs and into the bathroom and let out a breath trying to see if she felt sick, but didn’t.  Rather she was full; she loved being full – it was like a hug from the inside.  However, she wanted to look like her sister, to fit in and be beautiful. 

Amethyst turned on the shower just in case anyone heard.  She needed a shower anyway, so she stripped down before kneeling in front of the toilet.  It took a couple of tries, but eventually she was able to make herself sick.  It was disgusting – her eyes burned and her nose was running.  She thought about how good the food had made her feel and how awful it felt coming back up.  However, she knew it had been a million times worse hearing Seth say those terrible things about her.  It was difficult how her mom was always on her about what she ate.  Even Jasper’s voice teasing her about her breakfast came to mind.  She’d show them though…she figured in six months she’d drop weight and be hot and then things would be much better.

*

Jasper

                Jasper hadn’t brought a ton of clothes from the barracks, but it wasn’t as though she had a lot of options for going out to begin with.  So many of her outfits were either uniforms or for working out, but she had her favorite orange tank top with the beading around the neckline and a pair of black jeans, which she figured looked appropriate enough for church.  As she buttoned her pants, she reflected on her flat stomach and imagined it expanding over the next several months.  She wished she could tell her parents and have their support, but if she really couldn’t go through with it, she hated to think of how disappointed they’d be.  The only way they might possibly understand would be if she told them what had happened to her. 

                She’d rather die.

                Sighing, she grabbed a lightweight black jacket, sliding it on to make her outfit look slightly more appropriate for church.  Jasper looked out the window at the rain; a jacket was a good idea anyway.  She made her way downstairs where her mother was waiting, wearing a black two-piece dress with flowers on it.  Amethyst had chosen a short black dress with sheer black stockings.  God, if it weren’t for her brightly-colored tank top and her father wearing a vibrant red shirt with his black pants, they’d all look like they were on their way to a funeral.

                 Jasper got into her car so she could follow her parents and leave right after Mass.  She started the engine, looking over in surprise as Amethyst plopped herself in the passenger seat.  “Can I help you?” 

                “Let’s ride.” 

                “You know, sometimes when I drive, I like the quiet so I can hear myself…”

                Amethyst turned the radio on and rock music poured from the speakers.  “Hey, can we hit up Taco Bell on the way?” 

                “We’re going to church, not to eat tacos.  Then I’m going to see Lacy – _alone_ – at La Fiesta so I can eat _good_ Mexican food.”

                “I’d rather eat tacos than go to church.”

                Jasper laughed as she drove down the street.  “Well, we have something in common then.”

                “I can eat, like, six tacos in one sitting.  Peridot and I once got one of those huge boxes of like twelve and she only ate two and said she was full.  Did you and Lacy ever do that?” 

                “No, Lacy was a model when she was your age.  I’d go to her house for a predetermined amount of celery and carrot sticks.” 

                “I wish I could be a model,” Amethyst said wistfully. 

                Jasper shook her head.  “No you don’t – Lacy hated it.  There were so many rules she had to follow, she missed a lot of school – a lot of growing up normally and her stomach was always growling.  She quit when her contract was up December of our senior year.  We went and gorged ourselves on food.”

                Amethyst sighed.  “I bet she still looks amazing.”

                She stopped at a light and didn’t answer.  Amethyst wouldn’t have seen Lacy and may not even know what had happened to her.  Jasper had heard the explosion, but hadn’t seen the direct aftermath.  It was Ruby who found her later and told her Lacy had been nearby the truck when it ran over a bomb.  She’d seen her in the medical tent soon after wrapped in bandages, one eye covered…her leg just gone mid-thigh.  ‘ _They’re sending me home_ ,’ Lacy had said.  ‘ _I should have joined the Navy…like my sister_.’

                ‘ _No_.’  Jasper had gently taken her hand.  ‘ _You’re a warrior_.’

                That had been six months ago.  They’d exchanged some e-mails, but Jasper hadn’t seen her friend since that day in April.

                HONK! 

                Shit.  How long had the light been green?  Jasper kept driving, trying to banish those thoughts from her head.  “I guess I’ll see how she’s doing later.”  

                They arrived at the church quickly, Jasper taking in the familiar feeling of the red carpet under her boots, the incense that hung in the air, tickling her nose, and the gentle daylight streaming through the stain glass windows, depicting scenes she knew from the Bible.  She joined the queue for the confession booth, which wasn’t terribly long.  Her mother was ahead of her and didn’t take a very long time telling the priest maybe the two minor sins she’d committed in the past week.  Jasper entered the small room and sat on the other side of a screen.  She hoped the priest had a good, long time to listen to her lengthy list of transgressions.  “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.  It’s been…about two years since my last confession.  I’ve been deployed overseas.” 

                “That must’ve been tough, but it’s clear God has blessed you and brought you home safely.”

                Why though?  What had she done to come home unscathed?  So many soldiers never felt the earth of their homeland below their feet again.  And then there were those like Lacy who had returned maimed.  But she wasn’t here to question God; she was here to confess.  “Well, for starters, I have a dirty mouth – I mean, I say the F-word as much as I say ‘and’ – maybe more-so.  I…was…”  How did she say ‘a goddamn slut’ in a more church-friendly way?  “…promiscuous while I was deployed.”  She sighed.  She could tell the priest anything, right?  No one else was listening.  Her eyes flickered over to a painting on the wall of the Virgin Mary.  “I’m pregnant…and I don’t know what to do.” 

                “Are you sorry for your transgressions?” 

                “Yes.  I just don’t know why God would allow this to happen to me.”  Her heart pounded.  Was she taking up to much of his time?  “You see…I was careful and I used protection and then my sergeant asked me…and I said I’d sleep with him, but then he wouldn’t use a condom so I told him no…”  Her jaw trembled and she shut her eyes as though to keep the tears from seeping through.  “I told him no and now I’m pregnant…and I don’t know what to do.” 

                “That is a terrible burden to bear all by yourself.  Once Mass is over, or when you feel comfortable, I’d like you to go to the Parish office.  They can put you in touch with The Gabriel Project, an organization that helps pregnant women through this difficult time.  We also run a sexual assault support group and they can help you heal from this.” 

                _Yeah, because healing is going to be possible,_ she thought bitterly.  “I was considering…”  God, she was actually going to say it to the priest who offered her help.  “I think I want an abortion.  I can’t do this.” 

                “Jeremiah 1:5 says ‘Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.’  Your unborn baby is a living soul – one created by God.  To end the pregnancy would be against the teachings of the church and the Bible.  It would be a mortal sin.”

                “As I said, I was at war.  It wouldn’t be the first time I took a life – I suppose I should confess that, too.  I killed in the war – I don’t know how many men exactly.”  She did, actually, but she didn’t discuss it.

                “The Bible condemns pre-meditated, malicious killing – murder.  War is unfortunate, but even God ordered the Israelites to go to war multiple times.  You did your duty for your country, fighting enemies that threaten our freedoms and even our faith.  For that, God will reward you.” 

                Confusion reigned in her mind.  “I’m sorry, but how is it worse to…to get rid of a baby conceived because of…in those circumstances, but it’s okay that I shot full grown men and killed them?  It was okay because it was war?” 

                “You still need to be absolved of that, yes, but it is different.  The baby is innocent and an abortion would be intentional.  That’s the same as….” 

                “I’m like six weeks along – at this point it’s a cluster of cells the size of a pea.” 

                “It’s life God has started in you.” 

                “And every time I look at that child…look at my body changing then I have to remember…”  Rage boiled in her at the contradiction.  What kind of a church…what kind of God said war and the killing associated with it was acceptable, even noble, but she wasn’t allowed to choose for herself whether to have the baby or not.  “No.  If aborting this baby is murder then so is what I did over there.  There can’t be good killing and bad killing – it’s the same thing…” 

                “God’s ways are mysterious…” 

                Jasper rolled her eyes.  How many times were people of faith going to use that ‘God is mysterious’ line.  “Don’t give me that.  It’s not mysterious that this happened to me.  It’s not mysterious that I lived when so many others died.  And don’t you dare tell me that being pregnant is some kind of test because if it is, it’s a pretty twisted, fucked up test!”

                “My child, your language.” 

                “It’s fine – I’m out of here.”  It had at least been enlightening even if she wasn’t forgiven.  She stood and left the room.  Suddenly, the scent of incense was so overpowering she thought she might choke…or throw up.  Her eyes fell on Amethyst who was next in line to confess.  “Tell Mom and Dad I’ll see them later.  I’m not feeling well and I’m gonna go.” 

                Jasper couldn’t hurry away fast enough back down the plush, red carpet, away from the eyes of saints from the stain glass windows following her until she finally pushed open one side of the double doors and found herself outside in the chilly, fall air.  Leaves crunched under her feet as she walked to her car.  She was certain she still believed in God, though she was pretty furious with Him at this point.  Of one other thing she was certain: she would never set foot in that church again.

*

                She had been away over Lacy’s birthday last month, so she used the extra time to stop at a store, picking up a card with two laughing girls on it that said: ‘You drink too much.  You swear too much.  You have questionable morals.  You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend’.   She also bought a gift card to a local wine store.  Jasper wasn’t much for wine, but she knew Lacy occasionally enjoyed it. 

                La Fiesta was a little busy by the time Jasper arrived and Lacy was already there waiting for a table.  Her once long hair was a little past her shoulders now, but still blonde and vibrant.  She was still tall and thin and wore a long skirt concealing her prosthetic leg from the world.  She looked at Jasper through her good eye, though it was nearly impossible to tell the left one was glass.  She wore some eye makeup, but no foundation to cover the pink scars that stretched across her face.  The tip of her nose was disfigured and it looked as though the area by her right ear had been burned.  Then she smiled, showing off her perfect teeth and a friendly aura seemed to surround her.  She hadn’t changed at all and Jasper hugged her.  Lacy squeezed tight, the gift bags she held rustling.  “Happy birthday, bitch.”

                “Thanks, Crazy Lace.   It’s good to see you.”  What the hell did Lacy get her that required two gift bags?

                Her friend pulled away.  “I’m glad you returned safely.  What’s that smell?” 

                Jasper groaned.  “Incense – I was at church.” 

                “The fuck were you doing in _church_?” 

                “My mom wanted the whole family to go, but I’m not going back.  We can talk about it after dinner – I have a lot to tell you.” 

                Lacy got an awkward smile on her face that told Jasper she was somewhere between keeping in a secret and ready to burst out with exciting news.  “Yeah, me too.”

                They were shown to a table and Jasper handed the card to Lacy.  “I missed yours and it’s hard to come by good gifts over there.” 

                She opened the envelope and laughed as she read the words, but Jasper couldn’t help but notice her face falling a bit at the gift card.  “Thank you.” 

                That was odd; Lacy loved drinking and partying.  Maybe not so much since she was injured.  God, she was probably on some medication that couldn’t be mixed with alcohol.  _Way to go, Jasper_ , she thought as she started removing the tissue paper from the pink bag. 

                “Oh, the other one first.” 

                O-kay…Jasper shook her head and took a box from the orange bag, opening it to reveal a mug with a galaxy design that stated: ‘Friends are like stars. You can’t always see them, but you know they’re there.’  How corny and sappy…and touching and she found her eyes clouding over with tears.  God, she had missed Lacy. 

                “Jasps, are you _crying_?” 

                “Pfffft.”  She wiped the moisture away.  “No.  I have something in my eye…like an eyelash or…salsa.”  

                A waitress walked up to their table and poured two glasses of water.  “Are we doing margaritas today, _senoritas_?”

                Jasper surveyed the drink menu.  No…the baby was not getting that.  She’d take two sips and regret it.  She did not like coconut and there was no way…  “I’ll have a piña colada.”  What the fuck?  But it sounded so good.

                “Um…can I do a virgin mango margarita?”  Lacy ordered. 

                That was probably a good idea.  “Yeah, uh, make mine a virgin, too.”  Great, she’d ordered an expensive coconut-pineapple smoothie she wouldn’t even finish.  Wait, Crazy Lace who loved drinking had just ordered a _virgin_ margarita?  “You’re not drinking?” 

                “Why aren’t you?” 

                “I have to drive.” 

                “That’s a good reason.” 

                It was, but it was also a lie.  She could hold her liquor and one drink wouldn’t get Jasper close to the legal limit.  Jasper removed the tissue paper from the second bag and saw a pink shirt folded up inside.  She suppressed the urge to roll her eyes.  Lacy knew her enough to know she didn’t like pink.  Still, she smiled and took it out, unfolding it, her brows furrowing as she read the white lettering on it…then read it again: Maid of Honor.  “What the fuck?” 

                Lacy held out her hand, a small diamond sparkling on her finger.  “I’m getting married.  You know, to Carlos – the one I wrote you about.”

                “You’ve only been dating a few months.  I mean, are you sure?” 

                “Wow, Jasps, thanks for having my back.”

                “Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that – I’m just surprised is all.  Of course if you love him and that’s what you want, I’ll support you.”  Jasper ran her fingers along the letters.  Lacy knew that already or she wouldn’t have given her this shirt.  “And yes, I’ll be your maid of honor.  What about your sister though?” 

                Lacy shrugged.  “I’m closer to you than I am to her.  She surprised me by requesting leave for the wedding.  She’ll be off the ship then anyway and can come.” 

                “Your mom?” 

                “Still haven’t forgiven her; still don’t want to see her.  She is _not_ invited.”

                Jasper didn’t blame her.  Lacy’s mom had been a right bitch for siding with her husband over her own daughter.  Jasper couldn’t wait to talk to her best friend in private.  If anyone could understand, it was Lacy.  Their drinks came and Jasper ordered her usual carne asada with a side of shrimp and mushrooms cooked in butter and spices.  Wait, was she supposed to be eating shellfish?  What did she care?  She didn’t even know if she was keeping the damn thing, so it could survive a little bit of seafood.  Wait…Lacy usually ordered a seafood chimichanga, but when their order came she started digging into a pork enchilada.  It couldn’t be.  Jasper took a sip of her drink.  Part of her enjoyed it thoroughly as it soothed her odd craving for a food she otherwise hated.  A single thought ran through her head: the baby wanted it. _It’s not even a baby_ , she reminded herself as she stabbed a shrimp with her fork. 

                “What did the shrimp do to you?” 

                “I’m sorry, Lace.  I just have a lot...I’m pregnant.” 

                She wasn’t sure exactly what she expected – concern, sympathy or joy – but Lacy laughed.  Actually fucking laughed.  “Oh my God – so am I!” 

                Jasper forced a smile and ate one of her mushrooms. 

                “We’re best friends and we’ll have kids together and they’ll be best friends,” Lacy planned. 

                “We…can’t just force our kids to be best friends.  What if they hate each other?” _What if I don’t have mine?_

                “I’m not telling anyone else yet, you know, just in case.  I was nervous about telling Carlos, but he’s from a large family and always wanted kids so he’s thrilled.  I mean, it wasn’t perfect planning, but if being in the Army taught me something, it’s that life doesn’t go as planned.”

                Jasper scoffed.  “Yeah, no shit.”  She paused to eat a few bites.  “I haven’t told anyone either, except my command because I had to.” 

                “Wait, not even your parents?” 

                “Not yet.”

                Lacy gave a kind smile.  “It shocked me at first, too.  What about the father?” 

                “What about him?”  Jasper’s tone sounded much nastier than she’d anticipated.  “Sorry…he…I’ll tell you everything later I promise, but this isn’t ending with a fairytale wedding, that much I know.”

                Their conversation turned to other things during dinner, with Lacy doing most of the talking about Carlos and what she envisioned for her wedding.  It put Jasper at ease, honestly, though the last eighteen months and that horrible dream were still in her mind, talk of dresses and flowers gave her something else to focus on.  “Do they have to be pink?”  Jasper asked as she lay her silverware on the empty plate. 

                Lacy sat back and put a hand to her stomach.  “It’s my wedding, bitch.  I’m not looking forward to wearing orange at yours.” 

                They paid and headed to Lacy’s one-bedroom apartment, which was nearby.  Jasper slipped her boots off and joined her friend on the couch after they grabbed glasses of water from the kitchen.  “Are you and Carlos moving in here?” 

                “No, Carlos has a house.  His dad owns a car dealership, so Carlos works there and does pretty well for himself.  I’m going to school to be a physical therapist and I still have some of my modeling money left.”  Lacy put a hand on Jasper’s shoulder.  “You want to tell me what’s going on?  You got pregnant over there, didn’t you?  Anyone I know? 

                Jasper looked at the floor and nodded.  “Sergeant McCoy.” 

                “Ew, that perv!  Remember how he told us once to make him a sandwich and I told him to fuck off and he says: ‘I’d like to be in the middle of a Palamo and Agate sandwich’.”  Lacy shuddered.  “You slept with him?” 

                Jasper felt that pressure behind her eyes and did nothing to stop it.  She could cry in front of Lacy; she could spill out the whole story and did.  For the first time, she told another person everything about that horrible, awful dream.  “But dreams don’t get you pregnant…I don’t know what to do…”  She covered her eyes with her hand.  “I just don’t know…if it’s a dream, I can handle it, but if I’m pregnant then…I don’t think I can go through with this.”

                Lacy had her arm around Jasper and squeezed her shoulder.  “Have you reported it?” 

                “Are you crazy?  You know what happens to women who squeal.  I want to stay in the Army; I can’t go causing trouble.” 

                “I know it can be scary.  Remember, I had to go to the police about my stepdad …”

                “Okay, but you were eighteen, independently wealthy and your career was not in jeopardy.  Sergeant McCoy could make my life a lot worse.  What if people don’t believe me?”  Jasper sniffled and accepted a tissue from her.

                “That is a valid fear.  I know my mom didn’t want to believe me.” 

                “Yeah, well, you weren’t going around being a slut with a bunch of other people, so that’s just her being a shitty parent.” 

                “Jasps, it doesn’t matter how many guys you were with.  You told _him_ ‘no’.” 

                “Lace, right now I need to figure out what to do about the baby.” 

                “How far along are you?” 

                “About six weeks.” 

                Her best friend nodded understandingly.  “So you still have some options.  Will your family help?” 

                “I’m sure they would, but I don’t want them to know what happened.  My mom will be disappointed that I was acting that way and I think it would hurt my dad too much.  And if I choose to end the pregnancy, they can’t know because in their eyes it’s a horrible sin.” 

                “Even though you were raped?” 

                “Don’t say that word!  That is _not_ what happened!”  That word…that thing…couldn’t have happened to her.

                “Then what would you call it?”

                Jasper shook and her stomach flip-flopped at the thought of what had happened that night.  “I acted like a complete and total slut and I got what I deserved…I should have just agreed to let him sleep with me…” 

                “No, Jasper, this was _not_ your fault.” 

                “It was; it really was.  I should have just let him have ‘the real deal’ – let him fucking touch me all over because that’s what he did anyway!” 

                Lacy hugged her.  “I used to think I did something wrong too, but I didn’t and neither did you.  I’ll tell you what, on Monday we’re going to go to that women’s clinic downtown, okay?  They’ll check you out – they can test for diseases and give you options about what to do with the pregnancy.” 

                Her mind raced back to her confession and how the priest condemned even her thoughts about abortion and she told Lacy about that quickly.  “I…I’m not sure I want to have this baby.  I’m not sure I _can._   Is that terrible of me?” 

                “Jasps, you should know me well enough to know I’m not going to judge any woman for their decision no matter the reasons behind it.  Whatever you decide, I’m here for you and I support you.  I am so sorry you had to experience this.  I’m not you, so I can’t say I know exactly how you’re feeling, but I’ve been through the same thing and I understand.  You can always talk to me and I’ll help you however I can.”

                Jasper wiped her nose with the tissue, thankful her tears had dried up.  “If I have this baby, I’m going to have to watch my body change…I’ll have to deal with either giving it away, which my parents will fight me on, or raising it and being reminded every day of what happened.” 

                “You don’t just forget.”  Lacy stroked her arm.  “You can deal with the pain and move on, but you’re never going to forget.  However, you have to do this for yourself.  You need to listen to yourself – not your mom or dad, not the priest, not anyone else.  If you feel that having an abortion will put you in a better mindset to deal with the trauma then you need to do what is best for _you_.  I’ll be with you every step of the way.”

                 Numbly, she nodded, exhausted after crying so much and spilling all this to her best friend.   Lacy was right.  She needed to think about herself, not the baby.  She put a hand to her stomach; she needed to stop thinking of it as a baby if she was ever going to go through with this.  But she _had_ to go through with it.  “Then, I’ve made my decision…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Gabriel Project is a real project run by the Catholic Church to help women with an unexpected pregnancy - more information can be found at their website at: http://www.gabrielproject.us


	4. Without You

** Chapter 4 –Without You **

_October 2005_

Amethyst

                Amethyst turned in bed, her growling stomach keeping her awake.  She liked going to bed feeling full, but guessed she couldn’t if she was going to keep up with this.  At her request, her parents had stopped at Taco Bell and she’d gorged herself on food, letting it sit during the car ride until she could get rid of it in the bathroom at home.  She supposed she liked the euphoric feeling she had afterwards…like the room spun ever so slightly and she felt light as air.  She could eat all she wanted and feel full for a little while until she got rid of it.  It was as if a burden was lifted. 

                God, but she needed something to EAT! 

                Amethyst opened her door a crack and peeked out.  No lights were on in the hall or coming up the stairs, but she did see it glowing under the crack of her parents’ door.  Oh God they weren’t…no, they certainly didn’t do _that_ anymore.  She heard her mother’s muffled voice and she didn’t sound happy.  Amethyst pressed her ear against the door. 

                “I know she is.  The pickles – the morning sickness…” 

                “I’d throw up too if I ate pickles and milk together,” her father countered.  “And if she is, we’ll find out eventually.” 

                “You’re _okay_ with this?!”

                Wait…they were talking about her sister, right?  Or had they heard her in the bathroom? 

                The sound of Fetuao sighing came through the door.  “I mean, is it ideal – of course not.  I’d like to see her married first, but she’s twenty-three.   She has a career and she has us to support her.” 

                “What about the father?” 

                “Look, we don’t know what the situation is, but eventually, Jasper is going to come to us – _if_ she’s even pregnant…” 

                “And she is.”  A drawer slid shut from inside the room.  “I’m a nurse and I’ve been pregnant three times, so I know this.”

                Oh good.  Amethyst would have breathed a sigh of relief but didn’t want them to know she was listening.  Hold on…three times? 

                “What do you suggest?  An intervention?  She’ll tell us when she’s ready to tell us.  If she is pregnant, she certainly can’t hide it forever.  I mean, eventually, we will notice.”

                There was silence for a few moments before Penina spoke again.  “I worry she’s thinking immoral thoughts.” 

                Fetuao laughed.  “Well, I’m pretty sure she was when she got this way too.” 

                “It’s not funny!”  Coils squeaked as she sat on the bed.  “I know I lost my first one, but despite the circumstances, I never would have had an abortion.” 

                “Of course not because it’s not legal in Samoa and we didn’t come here until the year after we were married.”  There was a click and the light dimmed under the door.  “Besides, if – and emphasize _if_ – Jasper is pregnant, there could be many reasons she’s not telling us.  We didn’t announce either of the girls were on the way until you were in your second trimester.  Isn’t that pretty common?  In case something happens?” 

                “You’re right.  I mean, I would like to think she’d tell us, but there could be plenty of reasons she’s not.  She’s not necessarily thinking of that.”

                “Jasper knows how important family is.  She would never do such a thing.”  Fabric rustled and Amethyst heard the unmistakable sound of a kiss. 

                Whether they continued beyond a kiss or not, that was her cue to exit.  As she approached the stairs she heard the front door open and close softly.  Great…Jasper was home.  At least her sister wasn’t going to care if she was raiding the fridge and as she approached the kitchen, hearing the familiar pop of the door and the small light illuminating the shadows, she figured Jasper was doing the same thing.

                Amethyst entered and stood in front of the fridge, surveying the contents.  “I dunno what I’m hungry for.”  

                The only response was the hissing and popping of a can opening.  Then she heard Jasper gulping down her drink. 

                “Like, you know, I want something that’s gonna fill me up but not make me fat…ter.”

                A sliding sound followed, coupled with a lid being plunked on the table and Jasper chomping into something.  “Have a pickle.  They only have like ten calories.”

                Amethyst plucked one from the jar and sank her teeth into it, talking with her mouth full.  “How was your birthday?”

                “It was alright.”  Jasper raised the can she held and took a long drink. 

                In the dim light from outside – the moon, or perhaps porch lights their neighbors hadn’t turned off – Amethsyst could see her sister was drinking beer.  Well, she certainly wasn’t pregnant then.  Amethyst may not have known much about the subject, but she knew alcohol was a no-no.  Either way, this was the perfect opportunity for sisterly bonding.  “How’s Lacy?” 

                “She’s fine.”  Jasper finished her pickle, swallowed the rest of her beer and let out an impressive belch.  “I’m going to bed.”

                “Already?  It’s not even midnight.” 

                Her sister tossed the can in the trash.  “Lacy and I had a long conversation and I’m exhausted. I’m not in the mood for any more talking.”

                But, it had been months since they’d seen each other in person and Amethyst wanted to talk to her.  She wanted to know everything that was going on.  Everything about Jasper and her life.  But here her sister was on her way out of the kitchen.  “Jasps, wait…” 

                “Huh?” 

                “Um…uh…are you pregnant?” 

                Jasper stopped between the kitchen and the hallway leading to the stairs.  Silence surrounded them for a few moments then she heaved a sigh.  “Good night Ames.”

                Amethyst grabbed another pickle as she saw her sister walk down the hall and disappear up the stairs.  She had been drinking beer.  _How fucking stupid_ , Amethyst told herself.  _Of course she’s not pregnant, dumbass._

                However, she also noticed Jasper hadn’t answered the question.

*

                “You really think she is?”  Peridot asked as she slid clothes across the rack at the thrift store. 

                Amethyst surveyed a witch’s dress that appeared too plain for her tastes.  “I don’t know.  Mom’s pretty convinced.

                “I mean, it could be cool.  You’ll be an aunt.” 

                She honestly hadn’t really thought of that, but… “Chyeah – I’d be cool Aunt Ames who gives presents and does awesome things with the kid and then hands them back to Jasper when they do baby things.” 

                “Baby things?” 

                “You know like pooping and puking and crying.”  Honestly, she didn’t see Jasper doing well dealing with that kind of thing.  She certainly didn’t seem like the maternal type and she’d never mentioned wanting kids.  “Mom is worried…about how she’s going to handle it.” 

                “What?  Like get an abortion?”  Peridot put it so bluntly.  “That’s up to her and is a valid option, especially if she’s not ready.” 

                “What?  Just casually like that?  Oh, I’m not ready so I’m going to scramble it up and have it sucked out.” 

                Peridot’s faced paled more if that was possible.  “You put it so vividly, but yes.  I mean, _I’m_ not ready now and it would definitely be on my mind.” 

                “Mom says it’s a sin against God.” 

                “Well, I don’t answer to your mom and I don’t believe in God.”  Peridot plucked a disco outfit off the rack and made a face at it. 

                “Since when?”  Peridot’s family was Lutheran; she and Amethyst had attended Bible camp together when they were ten. 

                Peridot shrugged.  “I don’t know…a while I guess.  I don’t think I’ve ever said it out loud.” 

                Amethyst stayed silent.  God had always been a given in her life.  The sky was blue.  Trees grew from the ground.  God existed.  To her, it had been fact, not up for debate, and though she knew there were other religions, she couldn’t fathom just not believing.  “So…what do you believe in?” 

                “Science,” her friend answered simply.

                That was valid, Amethyst supposed, but… “What about when you die?”

                “Then I’ll be dead.” 

                “I mean, where do you think you’ll go?” 

                Peridot’s brows furrowed together as though that shouldn’t even be a question.  “Into the ground…”

                “So that’s it?  You’re born, you live, you die and that’s just it?”  Then what was the point?

                “I guess, yeah.  I mean, maybe our energy goes on in some kind of way, but I don’t think I’ll be up in the clouds riding unicorns or anything.” 

                Amethyst had always hoped that was a thing, actually.  Unicorns sounded cool.  What was she thinking?  She still believed in heaven; she still believed in God.  Nothing would change that and a difference in belief wouldn’t change ten years of friendship.  She held up a gray vest and skirt that looked as though it would fit her.  “Hey, I could go as a student from _Harry Potter_.  I have a white shirt, so I just have to go to the mall and get a tie.”

                “What house?” 

                “Gryffindor, duh.  You find anything interesting yet?” 

                “Not really.” 

                “We can both go as wizarding students.” 

                “Maybe…but I was kind of thinking Camp Pining Hearts.”  Peridot gave a sheepish grin as she showed off a khaki shirt she’d found. 

                “Oh…”  Amethyst really didn’t get her friend’s obsession with such an obscure show.  “That works.” 

                “So, you were actually invited to this party?  Isn’t Beth throwing it?  Seth’s twin?” 

                Her heart pounded.  If he said horrible things about her, she could only imagine what his cheerleader sister thought of her.  “Pffft, invitations aren’t really sent out.   You just know it’s happening and you show up.  Come on, let’s try on our clothes and hit up the mall.” 

                Inside the dressing room, Amethyst grunted as she fastened the skirt and vest.  She could get them closed, but the buttons were strained and it was a bit uncomfortable.  But maybe if she kept up her diet, she’d fit into it by the end of the month.  She smoothed her hand over her ample cleavage accentuated by the vest.  She’d definitely need a shirt under it or her mom wouldn’t let her out of the house!

                The skirt was fingertip length, so she may actually get away with wearing it to school, though because of her rear, it was a little higher in back than she’d like.  Maybe she could wear shorts under it.  No, that would look stupid.  Amethyst wondered if her sister was doing anything for Halloween and what costume she’d choose.

                Amethyst and Peridot paid for their clothes and made their way the short distance to the mall.  Inside wasn’t terribly busy, so they swung by Hot Topic quickly choosing a tie in stripes of gold and crimson with the Gryffindor crest at its base.  “What house do you think you’d be in, Peri?” 

                Her friend surveyed the choices, handling a blue one gently.  “I mean, I am book smart, but…” her eyes flickered over to a green one with a snake crest.  “I really like green.”

                “You also hate snakes.” 

                “True.  But, I’m going as Percy from Camp Pining Hearts and I’m confident in my decision.”

                “Percy is a boy though.  You’re dressing up as a boy?”

                “Zoom in on my lack of curves.  I can pull it off.” 

                Amethyst supposed she was right.  Peridot did have short hair after all.  They bought the tie and headed toward the delicious smells of the food court.  Her stomach growled and she thought of milkshakes and fries from their favorite place – a 50’s style diner through an entrance to the main mall.  “We should get lunch.” 

                Peridot nodded enthusiastically.  They soon found themselves in a booth sharing an order of fries and onion rings.  While her friend sipped on a strawberry shake, Amethyst had chosen chocolate and was quickly reminded to take it slow as pain settled in the front of her head.  It was good, but all she could hear was Seth’s voice calling her ‘Pala-mooo’ and she imagined what he’d say if he saw her here gorging herself – ‘what, did you make the milk for that yourself?’  As she stood in the bathroom after they’d eaten, swishing the taste out of her mouth, she realized a week didn’t make much difference, but come spring, she’d be able to fit into all the latest fashions and he wouldn’t say anything more about her weight.  She’d finally be perfect.

*

Jasper

                The paper crinkled as Jasper sat on the exam table.  At least the all-female staff at the clinic seemed nice.  Lacy said she’d been here a few times for routine care herself.  She’d asked if Jasper wanted her in the room, but as close as they were, Jasper had declined.  She’d never had an ultrasound before, but it didn’t seem like a terribly traumatic experience. 

                Her eyes flickered to a poster on the wall showing the stages of growth in the first trimester.  She looked at the drawing of the seven-week-old fetus and noted it would be about the size of a blueberry.  Her stomach flip-flopped as she thought about food.  It was about nine in the morning and she realized she should have scheduled this for later in the day.

                The door opened and the doctor walked in as a nurse followed behind.  “Hello, Jasper.  How are you feeling?” 

                Queasy.  Nervous.  Ashamed.  Terrified.  “I’m okay.”

                “I’m Dr. Harris and this is Aaliyah.  She’s a nurse who will be helping me.”  She flipped open a chart.  “So, this says you’re close to seven weeks along now.  On your intake form, you also indicated this pregnancy is the result of sexual assault.”

                Jasper turned her gaze to the floor.  Lacy had made her answer that question truthfully.  It was okay though…she’d have the abortion and that would be the end of it.  She could consider it a dream and never have to think of it again.  God, yes she would – every time she saw Sergeant McCoy.  Even as a dream it was disturbing.  “Um…well…I said yes at first…so, I guess…” 

                “We’re here to help you, Jasper.  We can refer you for counseling if you like.”

                She scoffed.  “Pfft, no.”  A counselor was not going to tell her anything she didn’t already know.  She imagined going in, sitting on a couch and telling some stranger how she’d been behaving only to have them say: ‘Kind of a slut, were we?’  It would just be confirmation that she’d brought all of this on herself.  “I just need to take care of this…problem.” 

                “I understand you’ve elected termination.” 

                “Yes.” 

                “And you have considered your other options?” 

                Jasper’s heart pounded and she squeezed her eyes shut.  No, she was not going to cry here in the doctor’s office…in front of strangers.  “There are no other options for me.  This is what I have to do.  I…I didn’t choose to have sex with him…I didn’t choose to get pregnant.”  God, nope, the tears were coming now, hot and fresh, blurring her vision.  “If it had happened any other way…I’d go through with it, but…I can’t.  I have to have some amount of choice in how this plays out.”

                Dr. Harris held a box of tissues out to her.  “I know this is very hard, Jasper.  You’ve been through something traumatic and now you have to make a difficult decision.”  She placed the box on the counter after Jasper had taken a few tissues.  “But, you need to do what’s best for you and what will help you begin to heal.” 

                She recalled Lacy saying something similar.  How was she going to heal from something that was her own damn fault?  Jasper pressed the tissue to her eyes and took a deep breath.  She was not going to give into breaking down like she did at Lacy’s apartment.  “Um…what do I do?”  She was wearing a gown and had a paper drape across her lap.  “Do I like…lift the gown and put this paper thing over my hoo-ha?” 

                Dr. Harris used some hand sanitizer and donned a pair of gloves before picking up something long and plastic attached to a machine with a wire.  “This is the ultrasound probe.” 

                ‘Probe’ did not sound good.

                She slid a clear, plastic barrier over it.  “I’m going to put a little jelly on the end of this, then I’ll hand it to you and you’re going to insert it into your vagina.”  

                Jasper blinked wondering if she’d heard that right.  This was not how things went down in movies or on TV.  “I’m sorry, I’m gonna do what?”

                “I can insert it if you’re okay with that, but I like to respect your privacy and it’s usually more comfortable for the patient to do it herself.  Once it’s in, I’ll take it from you and move it around to visualize the fetus.”

                The idea of something foreign going into her made her uncomfortable.  She knew women who had toys, but she’d never used one.  Aside from a guy’s cock or a tampon, nothing went up there, but here she was laying back and taking the probe from the doctor and fumbling around with it in her nether regions until she felt it slide into her.  She made a face; it felt weird and cold.  The doctor took it from her and moved it around, causing it to press on her insides uncomfortably.  She already had to pee and this was not helping.  Jasper stared at the ceiling waiting for it to be over. 

                “Would you like to see?” 

                She shook her head.  If she looked at the monitor, if she saw the heart beating, that would be it.  She wouldn’t be able to go through with it.  Her fist clenched as she felt the probe bump up against something in her.  Her mind flew back to that night and she felt that same suffocation as though she were being pinned down.  She remembered how rough he’d been…how he’d hurt her.  She could recall the feeling of the sheet in her hand…his breathing…the arrogance in his voice. 

                _Slut._

                Jasper shut her eyes.  She couldn’t breathe.  But he was…his breath was hot against her ear. 

                _You can’t dish it out to everyone else then tell me no._

                She felt someone touch her arm and couldn’t tell if it was the nurse gently comforting her or McCoy’s hand squeezing her arm down.  She heard herself whimpering, but she couldn’t cry out because in her mind his hand was over her mouth. 

                _If you say anything, there will be consequences._

                Something slid out of her and she exhaled as she opened her eyes and realized she was in the doctor’s office.  Jasper put a hand on her stomach. 

                “We’re finished.  You did well.”  Dr. Harris allowed her to sit up before continuing.  “So, we can give you a pill which will induce a miscarriage or we can schedule you for a D&C, which is where we insert…” 

                “I know what that one is.”  Jasper didn’t want to hear the details.  “I kind of figured that’s what I would do.” 

                “Okay.  The front desk will get you all scheduled.”  Dr. Harris closed the chart and gave her a kind smile.  “I want you to think about counseling over the next few days until we can get you in, okay?  I think it would be a good idea.” 

                “Yeah, sure.”  Jasper was left to clean the gel off herself and change into her clothes before heading to the front desk where she scheduled the abortion for that following Friday, along with an appointment Thursday afternoon to have something put into her cervix that they said would soften and dilate it.  She walked out with Lacy into the chilly air.  “Thanks for doing this with me.” 

                Her friend placed a comforting hand on her arm.  “Of course.

                “I really don’t want to go home after that – can I crash on your couch Friday night?” 

                “No.”  Lacy hugged her.  “I’ll let you have my bed and I’ll take the couch.” 

                “I can’t take your bed from you.” 

                “My couch pulls out into a very comfortable futon.”  Lacy joined Jasper in the car, settling in the passenger seat.  “Also, they said to have someone drive you, so I’ll handle that.  You’re going to be going through something physically and emotionally draining, so your only responsibility on Friday is to relax as much as possible and let me take care of you.  I’m going to be here for you no matter what.” 

                Jasper gave her a smile before starting the car.  “Thank you.”

*

                The appointment on Thursday had been no worse than her annual exam – perhaps slightly more uncomfortable.  At least as they drove to the clinic on Friday, she knew she’d be in a twilight sleep for the actual abortion and that helped.  As they entered the parking lot they were greeted by protesters standing just outside the private property holding signs with pictures Jasper had to turn away from and words like ‘God hates murder’. 

                Lacy rolled her eyes.  “Jesus Christ, do these people have anything better to do?” 

                Jasper hoped one of them wasn’t her mother, but knew she wouldn’t be there.  Her mom was overall silent about her beliefs unless asked and she wasn’t the protesting type.  “We did fight for their right to protest, Lace.”

                “Yeah, but did they have to pick today?” 

                Jasper got out of the car, shoving her hands in the pockets of her jacket.  They had told her to wear something comfortable, so she’d chosen her workout pants and a T-shirt that said ‘tickets not needed for this gun show’.  It made her reflect on her strength, on her fighting skills – she should have been able to kick him off and beat the shit out of him.  Instead, she’d frozen…like a fucking coward…and let it happen.  

                “Hey!” 

                She rolled her eyes attempting to ignore the protester trying to get her attention. 

                “If you’d kept your legs together, you wouldn’t have to murder your baby!” 

                “Fuck off!”  Lacy spat back.  She walked into the clinic with Jasper.  “I have half a mind to go out there and kick their asses.” 

                Jasper checked in and sat down in the waiting room.  Three other women were there, one visibly pregnant.  She wondered what the other two were here for – regular exams, early prenatal care, STD testing or exactly what she was seeing the doctor for?  At one point, Lacy went up to the front desk to see if they could do anything about the protestors. 

                The receptionist shook her head.  “Unfortunately, as long as they’re on the sidewalk, that’s public property and we can’t tell them to leave.  Trust me, I’d love for them to step into the parking lot so I could call the cops.”

                 Jasper was called back and went alone to a room with a more comfortable-looking table, almost like a bed.  Lacy hadn’t come with her.  She’d told Jasper she would drive her and help take care of her after, but could not bring herself to be in the room during the procedure.  And Jasper understood why…Lacy was keeping her baby.  She did as instructed by the nurse – took off her clothes and changed into a gown. 

                “Oh, you didn’t need to take your bra off.” 

                Why didn’t they tell her that to begin with?  Well, it was off now and good riddance.  It was feeling small and her boobs hurt constantly.  She imagined that would go away once this was all over.  Everything would go away…

                The nurse gave her a kind smile after checking her vitals.  She asked if Jasper had any questions to which she shook her head.  “I’m going to start an IV to put you in a light sedation and the doctor will be in shortly.” 

                Jasper knew she wouldn’t be completely asleep, but by the time Dr. Harris entered the room, her eyelids felt heavy as though she could doze off at any moment.  There was another woman there, too, dressed in street clothes; they told her the woman was a volunteer who was there for emotional support if needed.  Jasper nodded when she asked if it was okay to hold her hand. 

                Gentle music played from somewhere above her and Jasper was only vaguely aware of cold and pressure…there came the soft hum of a vacuum.  The volunteer squeezed her hand.  “You’re doing great.” 

                “Mmm-hm…”  Jasper couldn’t manage more of a response.  The next thing she knew, her legs were together and the grogginess seemed to be wearing off.  It was surreal as though she were in a dream, or was just waking up…  “Is it over?” 

                “Yes, you did very well,” Dr. Harris told her. 

                “I’m not pregnant?” 

                “No.”

                “Okay.”  She hardly remembered the short walk to the recovery room where she was seated in a plush chair almost like a recliner.  Gradually, the last tendrils of sleep loosened, letting her out of their grasp and she found herself still a bit groggy, but awake enough to listen to the aftercare instructions and eat the package of crackers the nurse gave her. 

                “Are you feeling nauseous at all?” 

                Jasper shook her head.  “Not really.” 

                Fifteen minutes later, she was able to get dressed, use the bathroom and finally leave with Lacy.  Her lower abdomen throbbed with cramps and she knew to expect bleeding over the next few days.  That was fine.  She’d come home from Lacy’s tomorrow and anyone emptying the bathroom trash would just think she’d started her period.  That way Amethyst and anyone else asking would realize she wasn’t pregnant. 

                It was a fairly silent drive back to Lacy’s apartment with Jasper staring out the window and heaving a sigh when they finally arrived.  “Well, thank God that’s over.” 

                “Are you okay?” 

                She nodded, but she wasn’t okay.  She was _far_ from okay.  Lacy opened the door and immediately headed for the kitchen.  “I’m hungry, you want anything, Jasps?” 

                “Maybe just a glass of water.  I think I’m going to sleep a bit.”  She grabbed one of the glasses from the cupboard, letting out a small chuckle as Justin Timberlake’s face smiled at her from the smooth surface.  “You still have these N’Sync glasses I bought you for graduation?” 

                “Yeah, well only Justin and Lance have survived three moves and several washings.”  Lacy leaned against the counter.  “Someday when Carlos and I are married, we’re going to have the perfect house and everything in my kitchen will match right down to the tablecloth and tea towels.” 

                “I’ll get you some nicer glasses for a wedding present.”  She filled it up with water.  “Now you’re sure about me using your bed?” 

                “Yes, Jasps.”  Lacy placed a hand on her shoulder.  “Go, rest.  I’ll check on you in a bit.” 

                Jasper made her way into the bedroom, deciding not to close the door.  It didn’t feel right as though telling Lacy she weren’t allowed in her own room.  She took a couple ibuprofen before laying down and pulling Lacy’s pink comforter over her.  Why her best friend liked pink was beyond her.  The color was soft like roses in the spring and she thought of pink blankets and booties and maybe a stuffed animal.  Lacy didn’t have one of those, but she had a pillow that looked like a pink donut with sprinkles and Jasper hugged it to her. 

                A memory came to her of just after high school.  She had been preparing to go to boot camp and helping her mother move some things to the attic.  Penina had asked if they should keep any of Jasper’s baby clothes.  There was a frilly pink dress, a jumper with a duck on it and her mother proudly showed off a white baptism gown in a box.  “This I brought all the way from Samoa.  My mom was baptized in it and so was I and you and your sister.  I’m keeping these because someday you might have a little girl of your own.”

                She’d had to do it, so why did she feel so empty inside?  Why was the guilt causing her face to scrunch up as fresh tears came to her eyes?  The doctor had said she could have other babies.  Lacy would go on to have hers – maybe a little girl.  Maybe in her perfect house with Carlos there would be a nursery full of frilly pink things and Jasper would just go on and have babies some other time.  She wouldn’t forget this though.

                What would she have named a girl?  Lily, maybe – that was nice.  She squished the pillow against her face, tears trekking across her nose and down her cheek.  They sank into the plush donut she held and before she knew it, she was sobbing.  Actually fucking sobbing.  How dare he do this to her!  How dare she have to go through this and he got to just go on as though nothing had changed!  Why didn’t he have to suffer?  He was the one who had wronged her.

                _‘You can’t take me in here, get me all riled up and then tell me no!’_

                She wanted to scream.  God, when was his voice going to get out of her head?  It was over – it was done.  She was no longer pregnant.  Couldn’t she just go on as though nothing had happened?  As though she’d just had sex with him and there were no consequences whatsoever?  But his words made her realize once again that she was to blame.

                The bed sagged under the weight of another person and her heart leapt into her throat at first until she recognized the touch of a feminine hand on her shoulder.  Lacy squeezed gently.  “I’m here for you, Jasps.  You don’t have to go through this alone.”

                “I don’t even know why I’m crying…” 

                “You’ve been through something horrible and because of it you had to make a difficult decision that I know goes against everything your parents taught you and what your church taught you.  I can’t even imagine making that choice.” 

                “I was just wondering if it was a boy or a girl.  A boy would be easier.”  She tried to brush off her pain.  So used to being a soldier, she never let anyone see her like this – broken and vulnerable.  “I mean, can you imagine if I had a girl with African-American and Samoan hair?  God, that would be a nightmare to comb.” 

                Lacy was silent for a few moments then shifted position, laying behind Jasper and wrapping her up in a hug.  “I’m sure it would be, but if it was with someone you loved, you’d comb that hair every day.”

                Jasper let out a ragged breath.  She could cry here.  She was safe here.  She was with Lacy, whom she’d known since they were eleven…her best friend…her sister if only in spirit.  They’d seen each other through scrapes, problems with teachers, crazy shenanigans, groundings and separations due to Lacy’s job.  Jasper had been there for her in the aftermath of what her stepfather had put her through.  They’d gone to war together.  Jasper had been her comfort when she was injured and now here Lacy was when Jasper was injured and hurting.  She’d been deeply wounded and Lacy was with her.  It wasn’t often Jasper lay her heart out in the open; she was not a sappy person, but she could open it here.  She could even if it was just this once.  “I don’t know what I’d do without you.” 

                “Hey, you’ve been there for me once or twice.” 

                “I kind of…always thought we’d have babies together someday…” 

                “We will.  You’ll meet someone and you’ll fall in love and someday you’ll have children you get to keep.  You’ll have a son or daughter you’ll hold in your arms and raise.  I plan more kids, so, we’ll have babies around the same time, I’m sure.”

                “Thank you,” she whispered. 

                And Lacy stayed with her until her eyes were dry.

*

                Returning to work, the first thing she did was make sure the necessary paperwork was sent to her command.  That first day back in late October, Jasper had to be there early for physical training.  Some of the soldiers clearly hadn’t kept on track with working out these past few weeks, but she was still in shape.  She really thought now that she was ready to move past all this.  She’d ended her pregnancy; she’d mourned.  Now, it was time for life to go on. 

                Then, after PT, he grabbed her arm and she stopped.  “Let go,” Jasper growled. 

                Sergeant McCoy’s voice was low.  “Is it taken care of?” 

                “Yes,” she answered simply.

                “Good.”  With that, he let go and walked off.

                Jasper shuddered and quickly rushed to her next task.  Being home basically meant training for their next deployment, which hopefully wouldn’t be for a while.  This meant her days would always consist of physical training and then whatever her command put her to work doing, which today was firearm maintenance.  Why give it a fancy title?  She was cleaning guns.  At least she wasn’t stuck picking up trash like the privates who were goofing off earlier.  She was introduced to three new soldiers who had joined the unit while she was on leave – two privates and another corporal whose nametag read: Matua.

                “Palamo,” he said her name thoughtfully.  “You have family in Pago Pago?”

                He was Samoan; there was no doubt of that, but she hadn’t seen him at her auntie’s birthday celebration the previous Sunday, so he wasn’t integrated in the local community yet.  “My dad is from there.” 

                “Is his first name Fetuao?”

                “Yes,” she answered slowly. 

                “My dad served with him in ‘Nam.  He said they lost contact, but mentioned your father had a son.”

                “No, he wanted a son, but he got me and my sister instead.” 

                “Oh, so you’re…” 

                Jasper raised her eyebrow, but it wasn’t his fault.  It was an honest mistake when she was wearing her uniform.  Still, her voice came out a little more serious than intended.  “I’m his _daughter_ , Jasper.”

                He gave a kind smile.  “Matt.” 

                Really?  Well, he was from American Samoa, so it wasn’t too far-fetched he’d have an English name.  “Nice to meet you.” 

No doubt soon enough he’d find his way into the community.  He wasn’t unfortunate-looking.  Some might even say he was handsome in his own sort of way.  But he was _new_ and all her aunties would waste no time trying to set him up with someone.  She turned her attention to finishing her task. 

*

Amethyst

                Amethyst swore as she put her costume on Halloween night that it was not as snug as it had been in the store.  Well, it was still tight in the boobs, but what wasn’t?  She adjusted her bra.  Her mom had bought the biggest one at Target, but she still spilled out of it and tended to wear sports bras most of the time.  Tonight though, she wore her white one with the lace at the top and a little ribbon in the middle.  She buttoned her shirt up all the way so her mom wouldn’t say it was inappropriate and slipped the tie on around her neck.   

                She spun around in the mirror making her gray skirt twirl, showing off just a hint of butt cheek before it covered her again.  Her eye makeup was dark and mysterious and perfect.  She felt beautiful as the doorbell rang and she rushed off to greet Peridot. 

                “Trick or treat!” sang children’s voices from the stoop. 

                Oh, it wasn’t Peridot. 

                She heard the rustle of candy bars as her mom said: “Don’t you all look precious?” 

                “I’m not precious!”  One kid protested.  “I’m a devil!” 

                Penina laughed and told him he was scary before sending them off to the next house.  “Oh, hello Peridot.  Amethyst is upstairs.” 

                Amethyst ran down the steps, shoes in hand.  “Nope, I’m right here.”  She plunked her shoes on the mat and slid into them.  “How do I look?” 

                “What did you say you were going as again?  A griffin whore?” 

                “Oh my gosh, Mom.”  Amethyst buried her face in her hand.  “It’s GryffinDOR, like from Harry Potter.”

                “With that short skirt…could have fooled me.”  Penina looked at her and tilted her head.  “That skirt doesn’t look as tight as when you first bought it.” 

                At this, she beamed.  “Thanks, I think I’ve lost a few pounds.”

                Her mother nodded thoughtfully.  “That’s good, but you still have a long way to go.” 

                Amethyst’s expression fell.  “Come on, Per.” 

                “Their parents are going to be there?”  Penina asked.

                “Yep.”  Amethyst actually didn’t know.  Doubtful. 

                “Your curfew is ten – tomorrow is still a school day.  No hanky-panky.  No spin the bottle.” 

                “Mom, people don’t pl…”

                “No drugs, no drinking.” 

                “Mom, we’re going to eat candy and watch horror movies – maybe dance.  That’s it.”

                “No dancing with boys.” 

                “Eh, Penina, why don’t you let her grow up a little bit?”  Her father asked as he came over and hugged her good-bye.  “Just not too fast, okay, Peanut?”  

                “Okay.”  Amethyst’s face flushed even though she knew Peridot had heard her father call her that on numerous occasions.  And she knew Peridot’s dad called her Per-bear.  It was still a little embarrassing and she told her friend this as they were walking down the street towards Seth’s house. 

                Peridot shrugged and stuffed her hands in the pockets of her khaki pants.  “He still calls Jasper ‘baby girl’ – nothing about her screams ‘baby’.  Although, speaking of…”  She raised her eyebrows.

                Amethyst shook her head as she adjusted her shirt so her cleavage was noticeable.  “False alarm.  She got her period.  I was kind of getting used to the idea of being an aunt.”

                The party was in full swing by the time they arrived and even in costume she recognized most of the kids.  Beth was wearing a white corset, short skirt and bunny ears.  She stood by the refreshment table talking to a friend of hers who was dressed similarly in pink, but with fairy wings.  Her friend gave Amethyst and Peridot a sly smile as they approached.  “See, Beth, it’s just like I told you – some people put effort into their costumes and other people just piecemeal stuff together they got from a bargain basement…or the school’s lost and found.”

                “Clever, Aqua, but when I dress up like a pig, I tend to remember they can’t fly.  You may want to lose the wings.”  Amethyst knew she wouldn’t dare say anything about her weight since they were both short and curvy. 

                “Who even invited you?”  Beth asked.  “I don’t remember saying you could – put that brownie down – I didn’t say you could just crash my party!”

                Seth walked over dressed up as a Roman in a toga.  “It’s okay – I invited them.  Amelia is in my English class and I actually wanted her help with my paper.” 

                “Actually, it’s Ameth…” Peridot didn’t get to finish that thought before Amethyst shoved the brownie in her friend’s mouth.

                He could call her whatever he wanted.  “What can I help you with?” 

                Seth put a hand on her back causing heat to pool below her stomach.  “It’s just the book we’re reading – The Scarlet Letter – because I don’t understand a damn word.” 

                “Good, huh?” she heard Aqua ask Peridot.  “You should try these ones, they’re…”

                Amethyst walked around with her crush discussing the book until a group of kids sat in a circle at Beth’s instruction to play a game.  Everyone filled out small strips of paper with their names and Beth put the girls’ into a pink bag and the boys’ into a blue one.  “Now, I’ll draw two names and whoever gets paired up has to go into the closet for seven minutes and do whatever they want with each other.” 

                She felt her face flush and avoided glancing at Seth.  Her insides quivered nervously though part of her also considered buttoning up her shirt.  There was no guarantee she’d be paired with him anyway.  Instead she turned her attention to Peridot who had a very confused look on her face.  “What’s up, Per?” 

                “Okay, I remember…we came here and…when did we sit on the floor?” 

                Amethyst raised an eyebrow.  “Like two minutes ago.”

                “And I wrote my name on a paper…I think.” 

                Before she could answer, paper rustled as Beth pulled out a name from the pink bag.  “Peridot.” 

                “Here!”  Her hand shot up in the air causing Aqua to snicker.

                “You go in the closet with…Chad!” 

                It was doubtful Peridot had ever spoken to Chad and now they were expected to make out?  Amethyst patted her friend’s shoulder.  “Good luck.” 

                “Thanks.  For what?”  Her eyes opened wide.  “Oh, we’re playing a game.” 

                Amethyst watched as her friend disappeared into the closet with Chad.  She wasn’t even sure Peridot had ever been kissed before.  This seemed to be the case when Peridot emerged from the closet with a confused look on her face, wiping her lips as she sat next to Amethyst. 

                “How was it?”  Amethyst whispered.

                “How was what?”  Her eyebrows knitted together again.  “Oh…right, I just kissed Chad…he slobbers like a St. Bernard.”

                “Are you okay?” 

                “I feel…like a dream.  Or like when you wake up from a dream and you’re not sure what’s real.” 

                Amethyst heard the sound of Beth and Aqua snickering lightly before she turned back to her friend, almost positive what was going on at this point.  She kept her voice low still.  “Hey, Per, what kind of brownies did they give you?”

                “Uhh…chocolate…”

                “Just chocolate?”

                “Uh, yeah…I hope there wasn’t coffee in them.  Coffee makes me poop.” 

                Amethyst wasn’t sure whether to laugh or bury her face in her hand.  “Peri, technically all food makes you poop.” 

                Her green eyes widened as she gasped.  “You’re riiiiiiiiight!” 

                “Yeah, I think we should…” 

                “Amethyst and Seth!”  Aqua read from the papers she’d pulled. 

                “See ya.”  Amethyst stood up and smiled as she stepped into the closet with her crush.  As soon as the door closed, her heart pounded.  Not that she hadn’t ever kissed anyone, but what if she wasn’t good at it?  What if he wanted more than kissing?  All of a sudden the most popular guy in school was running his hand along her cheek and down further.  Oh…so he was going to go for that…

                Even in near-darkness, she could feel her cheeks blush as his hands wandered her chest.  Was that all he wanted?  To feel her up?  Did Chad do that to Peridot?  Was she supposed to be doing something?  “Um, are you going to kiss me or what?” 

                And Seth laughed – actually laughed at her.  “Fuck no.  Time’s up Pala-moo.”   He opened the door with a flair and pushed her out. 

                It took a moment for her eyes to adjust to the light while she heard the other kids snicker and bust into laugher.  One by one they started lowing like cattle except for Peridot whose blood-shot eyes opened in horror. 

                Amethyst looked down at her clothes and saw several stickers on them – all of them black and white cows. 

                “Moo!  Moo!  Moooooo!” 

                It was one thing to have one person say something, but she felt her heart racing and heat rising in her face until it pooled behind her eyes.  

                Aqua’s obnoxious voice floated above the mooing kids.  “Look, she’s going to cry.” 

                Amethyst bolted from the room, down the hall, through the foyer and outside onto the porch.  Her fists shook with anger and she whirled around when she heard someone come out of the house.  It was Peridot and she unleashed her feelings loudly to her best friend.  “FUCK HIM!   FUCK ALL OF THEM!!”   She hastily ripped the stickers from her clothes, littering them on the porch.  Still enraged, she kicked a jack-o-lantern right in its stupid smiling face, breaking it in and sending it tumbling down the steps.  “Let’s go.” 

                “Oh, uh, okay.”  Peridot turned, hand on the knob as though making sure she closed the door.  Amethyst grabbed her wrist and led her down the driveway.  “Wait…so we were just at a party…”

                “Yeah, Per – we were just at a party where Seth humiliated the fuck out of me and Aqua gave you brownies I’m pretty sure had pot in them!”

                Peridot gasped.  “She said they were herbal…I-I thought that meant like organic!”  Her hands flew to her hair.  “Oh my stars!  I took that oath – in that drug resistance program years ago I said I’d never take them and now I’m a junkie!”

                Amethyst scoffed.  “One pot brownie does not…”

                “I could overdose!  I could die, Ames!  DIE!!”

                “Peridot, chillax.”  Amethyst put her hands on her friend’s shoulders.  “I mean, I’ve never done it, but you can’t overdose.  You’re gonna feel pretty gone for a few hours, might eat a whole box of Cheez-its, but that’s about it.” 

                “Okay…okay…I should probably call the school and let them know I’ll be late tomorrow…”

                “You’ll be _fine_.  Let’s get you home.” 

                Peridot looked around, bewildered.  “We’re out of the house.”  She put a hand to Amethyt’s cheek and smiled before giggling.  “Your cheek is soft.”

                “Uh-huh.”  Amethyst put an arm around her and they started off toward their cul-de-sac.  “I dunno what I’d do without you, Per.  You’re my bestie, you know.” 

                “You too…I mean, my bestie.”  She leaned her head on Amethyst’s shoulder.  “My mom never finds out about this…”

                “As long as mine doesn’t either.”  Peridot laughed first and she followed suit.  Hard times were definitely easier with a best friend by your side.


	5. Descent

** Chapter 5 **

_November 2005_

Amethyst

                Peridot’s mother had not been happy when Amethyst had brought her home and Peridot guiltily spilled out that she’d eaten a pot brownie.  There was yelling…lots of yelling.  To which, Peridot started laughing at the table, causing more yelling…this time from her father. 

                Peridot’s mom had made sure to call Penina and let her know what had happened so that when Amethyst got home, there was more yelling…only from her mother this time.

                “Do you know how many kids I see in the hospital who have overdosed on crack?”

                Amethyst rolled her eyes.  “None, because you work in OB.”

                “You  know how many crack babies I deliver?” 

                “Mom, it wasn’t even crack!”

                “You remember when you were in elementary school and you took that anti-drug oath?” 

                “Oh my God, Mom…”

                “Eh?  You want to be in more trouble?  Leave God out of it!”

                 Amethyst huffed and leaned back in her seat.  “You have no idea what it’s like to grow up here.  You’re from a place where curvy is beautiful.  The kids I go to school with don’t think that way and tonight was horrible.” 

                Her father, who had been silent up until now, looked at her.  “What happened, Peanut?” 

                She decided to leave out the part about being in the closet with Seth, but everything else she kept the same.  “And I just wish I could be like all the other girls and eat what I want without gaining weight and wear cute clothes…” 

                Her mother sat down, her anger seemingly spent.  “You know, Ames, there is a health crisis in this country and you should…” 

                “Mom, they don’t moo at me because they’re concerned about my health!  I wish I was pretty like Jasper.”

                Penina scoffed.  “Pretty?  That girl may have a great body, but she should wear makeup more often…cover that skin of hers.  And she needs to let her hair down – she has beautiful hair, but she always has it pulled back and that does nothing for her face.” 

                “Army regulations state that’s how she has to wear it,” Fetuao reminded her. 

                “Not when she’s not in uniform.  She could take it down when she’s at parties or dinners.  She also needs to cover those muscles.  No guy wants to date a girl who’s stronger than him.  She needs to make the men sit up and take notice.” 

                “Maybe she doesn’t want them to right now.”  Amethyst’s father said.  “Maybe Jasper wants to live her life a little first.  She has plenty of time to get married and settle down _if_ that’s what she wants.” 

                How the hell did all their conversations somehow always turn to her sister?  It wasn’t like she was romantically involved with anyone or had numerous suitors…not any that Amethyst knew about, anyway.  Why didn’t her parents care if Amethyst had a boyfriend?  She’d like one, that’s for sure, but no one would so much as look at her, especially not anyone who had been at the party that night. 

                She retreated upstairs after being told she was grounded for a week.  For what?  Technically, neither her nor Peridot had done anything wrong!  Oh God, what if her mom called Seth’s mom?  Then her life would be over!  She could start thinking about transferring to another school…like a boarding school…in another state! 

                Amethyst took her costume off and changed into comfortable pajamas with a cupcake print on them.  Great, she’d skipped dinner and only had a chocolate mint at the party.  Her stomach growled angrily, but after her mom’s comment earlier, the last thing she wanted to do was go to the kitchen and eat where she’d come under Penina’s disapproving gaze.  Pretty sure she had candy in her secret stash, she opened the drawer and pulled out a large bag of gummy bears.  They were the good chewy kind in the gold bag and she devoured them ravenously, shoving them by the fistful into her mouth until she crinkled the bag into a ball and tossed it in the trash.

                Lying back on the bed, Amethyst placed a hand on her stomach allowing herself to feel satiated for a few moments.  God, it felt so good and she wished she could fall asleep, full and comfortable, but memories of the party surfaced and the voices of her classmates moo-ing at her filled her head.  Being full meant forever being a cow, so she went to the bathroom, preparing to go to sleep feeling empty.

*

Jasper

                Jasper answered her phone as she settled into her room in the barracks for the night.  She rolled her eyes as she heard a familiar voice on the other end.  “What is it, Tani?” 

                Tanielu Faasoo was someone she’d known since childhood and for some reason the entire community seemed to think they would end up together.  She’d gone out with him once in senior year and he was pretty boring.  They’d had dinner where he’d discussed his interests, which included working out and Star Trek.  They’d gone to a movie she didn’t remember the name of, much less the plot, and he kept trying to hold her hand.  When she finally allowed it, he placed her hand in his lap and she pulled away, excused herself to ‘go to the bathroom’ and never returned.  They’d moved past this disastrous date, but she’d vowed never again.  “Hey, Jasper, your mom said you were back.  Uh, you wanna do something this weekend?” 

                She sighed.  “Did my mom happen to tell you I’m not interested in you?” 

                “Oh come on.  You know, you and I are about the last people our age out of all our friends and family who aren’t married yet.” 

                “Who the hell said anything about marriage?” 

                “Your mom says to me: ‘Tani, you’d be perfect for my daughter’ – I assume she means marriage.” 

                “She…she has another daughter, you know.”

                “Amethyst is fifteen and jail is a thing.  Come on, you know, your mom probably wants some grandkids.” 

                Jasper gave an annoyed groan.  “How did we get from going out for a burger together to having my mom’s grandkids?”  She didn’t want to think about children.  God, if her mom knew about what she’d done, she’d be so disappointed…and angry.  Her mom could never know.  Neither could her father, for that matter. 

                “So you want to go out for burgers?” 

                “Steak – tomorrow, six PM, you’re paying.”

                “And…after?” Tani asked in a suggestive tone. 

                “Let’s just get through dinner first.”

*

                Jasper didn’t have much to wear on a date, so she paired a denim skirt with her orange tank top.  She never used makeup, but made sure her hair was brushed and worn down.  As she walked from the barracks to her car, she literally bumped into someone in the parking lot.  “Hey, Moritz.” 

                “Where are you headed out of uniform?  Hot date?” 

                She rolled her eyes.  “Not that hot.” 

                “I don’t think I’ve ever seen your hair down.  It looks nice.” 

                “Thanks.” 

                “Stay warm,” Moritz admonished.  “It’s supposed to be cold tonight.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”  She waved good-night and thought that maybe she should have grabbed a jacket.  Nah, she wanted Tani to know what he was _not_ getting tonight.  She got into her car and drove the short distance off base to the steakhouse where Tani was waiting for her. 

                “Wow, Jasper…you look…damn.” 

                “It’s nice to see you too.  I’m also glad I’m back safe and sound.”

                “Right…right, of course.  How was…uh…Afghanistan?” 

                “Iraq,” she corrected.  “Afghanistan was last time.”

                They went inside and sat down to wait for an open table.  Tani put his arm around her.  “So, no one over there tickled your fancy?  Another soldier?  A rich Arab sheik?” 

                “I don’t go over there to find a man, dude.”  She crossed her arms.  “I’m not sure I want to be with someone who’s also in the Army.”

                “That’s…that’s good.” 

                Great.  She’d said the wrong damn thing and felt Tani squeeze her shoulder.  They were seated at a table for two and the waiter poured them some water.  “Can I bring you something else to drink?”

                “I’ll have a look at the wine menu and see what would pair best with my steak,” Tani told him. 

                “I’ll do a pint of Blue Moon.”  Jasper gave him her ID when asked.  She opened her menu after he left and surveyed the options.  “Beer goes with everything.”

                “Aren’t you driving?” 

                She laughed and shook her head.  “Trust me – one beer will not even get me buzzed.” 

                While he ordered a less expensive steak, she chose the ribeye – rare – with a baked potato.  “Butter, sour cream and chives.” 

                “And the seasonal vegetables?”  The waiter asked. 

                “That’s fine.”  It was probably going to be broccoli.  Funny how broccoli always seemed to be ‘in season’.  However, when it arrived, it was a generous helping of yellow squash and zucchini, which were cooked with herbs and tasted pretty good. 

                “I’m impressed, Jasps.  Most girls order like a small salad and water.”

“Yeah, I work out more than those girls.”  She picked up a slice of warm bread from the basket on the table.

“So, I heard that you can’t move off base until you’re married, right?” 

                “Technically I _could_ , but if I wanted to rent a place I don’t get housing allowance or a military house to live in unless I’m married or at a certain rank.  I could live with my parents for free, but I’m not going to do that.” 

                “But when you get married, you get money for housing?” 

                Jasper took a gulp of her beer.  “Yep.” 

                “You know, maybe we should give it a whirl.” 

                She stopped in the middle of cutting her steak.  “Excuse me?”

                “Look, it would benefit you because my job is going quite well – I’m in real estate, you know and I just bought a house, so you get off base and your housing allowance would help with the payments.  I mean, I could afford it myself, of course…” 

                “Okay, Tani, slow down…” 

                “And kids – you want kids, right?”

                “I mean…eventually, but…”

                “Look, we’re both tall, both attractive, healthy – in shape, you know.  We’d make, you know, the ultimate Samoan.  You could give birth to the next Rock – you know, _The_ Rock.” 

                Not what she’d had in mind when she’d looked at the man and decided she wanted The Rock inside her.  “We don’t even know each other.” 

                “We grew up together.”  

                “So did Lacy and I.  Maybe I should marry her.” 

                “Wait, you’re not a lesbian, are you?  Is this a pity date?” 

                Jasper laughed.  “No, I’m not a lesbian and I’m mostly here for the steak.”  She speared a piece of beef with her fork and popped it in her mouth savoring the juicy flavor. 

                “Perfect – so we should get married!” 

                “What a way to propose.”  She slid the knife across her baked potato watching as melted butter oozed across the plate.  “It’s a no.  Until and unless we know each other better, no.”

                “So, we should go on another date?”

                “Not likely.”

“Look, this is probably going to sound like a jerk thing to say, but you’re not getting any younger.  You wanna have kids in your prime, right?” 

                Was he for real?  She raised an eyebrow.  “Actually, according to an article I read in my doctor’s office…”  The clinic, actually, but he didn’t need to know that.  “…the ideal time to have children is between twenty-four and thirty.  So, I have plenty of years ahead of me for that.”

                “I see.  Can we still have sex at least?” 

                She plunked her silverware down on the empty plate a little too hard.  “Excuse me?”

                “I mean…you’re really…hot…and I hoped that, you know, since I bought you dinner and all…”

                ‘I don’t owe you anything for dinner’ she wanted to tell him, but something stopped her.  What if she told him no and he didn’t listen?  What if he followed her to her car and attacked her?  No, that was stupid.  Tani might be a boring piggish oaf, but he was pretty harmless.  And on the other hand…he was very handsome.  At some point she was going to have to have sex again.  She was going to have to trust someone with her body and hope that it was pleasurable instead of terrifying.  If she was going to do it, at least being with someone she knew for many years wasn’t a bad idea.  She cleared her throat and swallowed the rest of her beer.  “You said you have a house?” 

                “Yeah.”  Tani’s eyes opened in surprise.  “Wait?  Really?” 

                Jasper lowered her voice.  “I want you to know that I am doing this to also satisfy my own needs and this may count as a pity fuck, got it?” 

                “I’ll take it.”  He stopped the waiter who passed by and asked for the check. 

                “I have condoms if you don’t.”  She’d made sure to pick some up at the clinic from the basket where they were offered for free. 

                “I have some too.  Wait, you don’t want kids, but you’re not on birth control?” 

                Maybe she should have asked about that at the clinic.  “I was on the pill, but I’m shit at remembering to actually take it.” 

                Tani laughed.  “Yeah, I try to take a vitamin every day and don’t ask me how often I forget.”

                After he’d paid, they left and Jasper followed him in her car to a suburb of Snowy Mountain where she parked in the driveway of a small yellow house that even in the dark made her wrinkle her nose. 

                “Yeah,” Tani said, unlocking the door.  “It’s not that great, but I plan to repaint and do some work outside this summer when the weather is nice.”

                Jasper followed him inside and noticed it was surprisingly nice and cozy.  She rubbed the goosebumps off her arms.  “It’s actually…well, there’s not a lot of furniture yet…”

                “I’ll fix that.  There’s two bedrooms, of course, once I marry the lucky woman who will become Mrs. Faasoo…” Tani winked at her.  “...we’ll need a bigger house for all the kids.  I’d like five or six.” 

                “Rooms?” she asked hopefully.

                “No, Jasps – kids.” 

                “You know, you bring up that subject a lot and just to let you know five or six kids are not coming out of this body – like, two – three, tops.  My hoo-ha is not a clown car.”  Jasper shuddered.  Was she really going to do this?  God, he was such a fuckboy. 

                _You can’t take me in here, get me all riled up and then tell me no._

                _Shut up_ , she told his voice in her mind.  Yes, she was going to do this.  She couldn’t say no only to have it ignored again.  Besides, this was Tani.  He might be annoying, but he wouldn’t hurt her…right?  Suddenly, she found herself in his arms. 

                “You still cold?” 

                “A little.” 

                “Well, one piece of furniture I have is a bed…I’ll warm you up.”

                “Just a hint, Tani – corny lines are not a turn on.”  Then before he could say anything else, she kissed him gently, making a choice she usually didn’t.  If she was going to do this, she was going to do it right…she would let Tani have ‘the real deal’ without complaint.  She had to so it would wash away the terror of that night that still clouded her mind.   

                His hands slid into her tank top, warm and strong on her back.  He stroked her skin gently as he deepened the kiss, breaking it to move his lips to her neck.  Jasper cried out, fear striking through her for a moment. 

                “You like that?”  Tani whispered before he moved his teeth up, nibbling her earlobe. 

                She gasped and wrapped her arms around him as he pulled her closer.  She hardly remembered ending up in the bedroom as he tugged her tank top off and unhooked her bra…his hands wandering to places she wanted to forget had been violated.  She unbuttoned his shirt, sliding it from his body, her fingers exploring his naked skin.  “No tattoos?” 

                “Not yet.  I’ve considered getting the full _pe’a_ , but…” 

                The traditional male tattoo covered the body from waist to knees in an intricate design.  It took weeks or months to finish and was painful…and expensive.  “I understand.” 

                “And you?” 

                “No…not yet…maybe not ever.” 

                Her skirt was now on the floor and Tani ran his hands along her powerful thighs.  “Damn…you don’t skip leg day, do you?  They would look nice decorated.”

                Jasper recalled seeing the feminine tattoos on her mother’s upper legs – a much more delicate design than the _pe’a_.  “I don’t know.  I think about it, but it’s so final.” 

                “You’re beautiful anyway.” 

                “I think that’s the sincerest compliment I’ve heard all night.”  Jasper pulled him close and nipped his ear with her teeth.  “Now fuck me.”

                Tani wasn’t horrible at it, but he was definitely confident for a guy with average equipment.  “Yeah, I’m gonna destroy that pussy!”

                _Not with three and a half inches you’re not_ , she thought. Jasper made a face as his thumb rubbed aimlessly around her nether regions, hardly grazing what he was searching for.  He worked it against some random spot on her labia.  She wasn’t sure whether to laugh or get angry.  _It’s not a goddamn Rubix cube!_

                She thought about asking him to stop, but what if he didn’t?  What if she faced violation all over again?  In a moment, it didn’t matter because he moved his hand to her breast and squeezed like one might do with a grapefruit at the store.  He pumped away at her and she couldn’t wait for him to finish. 

                And he did.  Finally, he moaned loudly, threw his head back and shouted: “Fuck yeah!”  Then he rolled over, catching his breath.  “It was good for you, right?”

                She couldn’t tell him the truth – that would be kind of mean, but she also couldn’t lie.  “It was every bit as good as I expected.”  She hadn’t expected much. 

                “Awesome…”  Tani exhaled as he sank back into the pillow.  “I usually conk out after this.  You’re good to show yourself out, right?” 

                “Yeah.”  Jasper slid out of bed and gathered her clothes, quickly pulling them on…except… “Where the fuck is my underwear?”

                “Uhh…I dunno…I flung them somewhere.  If I find them, I’ll give ‘em back.  Unless you want me to keep ‘em, you know, as a memento.”  He winked.

                “Knock yourself out.”  Jasper quickly retreated from the house.  A cold wind blew up her skirt as she got into the car.  As she started the engine, she realized she wasn’t ready to go back to base.  She also didn’t really want to go to her parents’ place.  Instead, she headed out of the suburbs and drove to see the one person she could count on. 

*

                Lacy answered at the second knock.  “Jasper, what are…”

                Jasper walked into the tiny entryway before she could finish.  “I did something dumb.  I slept with Tani – I think I mentioned him before.” 

                “Well, yeah, but…”

                “I slept with him – that is, I fucked him.  I don’t know why.  I just did and he wants to keep my panties as a ‘memento’, so now I’m not wearing underwear…”

                “Uh…”  Lacy’s gaze shifted toward the living room. 

                Oh no…Jasper looked over and saw a man about their age with dark hair and casual clothes sitting on the couch.  He had to be her fiancé.  “Goddamn it!”

                He chuckled and rose from the couch, approaching and extending his hand.  “You must be Jasper.  I’m Carlos.  Lacy talks about you a lot.” 

                Heat burned in her cheeks as she shook his hand.  What was she supposed to say?  That it was nice to meet him?  This man she didn’t even know had just heard her say she’d had sex and wasn’t wearing anything under her skirt!  “Hey.” 

                They all sat in the living room for a while, making small talk, which Jasper was not fond of and it seemed Carlos was a good fit for her friend.  He was lively and funny and had his arm around Lacy the entire time.  When they said goodnight, he kissed the uneven tip of her nose and rubbed her belly.  “Don’t stay up too late.  You need rest.” 

                “I won’t.  I love you.” 

                Carlos kissed her.  “I love you too.” 

                After he’d left, she joined Jasper on the couch.  A gentle smile came to her lips.  “I know I haven’t known him long, but I really do love him.” 

                “I can tell.” 

                “You’ll find someone, you will.  Maybe Tani.”  Lacy laughed when Jasper made a face.  “Maybe not.” 

                “I am putting my military career before my love life, that’s for sure.”  Jasper sighed.  “Lace, when you first had sex after…everything…was it hard?” 

                “Oh, he was very hard.”  She laughed lightly, but it died out quickly.  “It was difficult, yes, a little, but I had to remember that the person I was with was not my stepfather and that I wasn’t being forced into anything.  I was there because I wanted to be.  I trusted my boyfriend at the time and I knew I was there of my own choice.” 

                “When I did it with Tani it…it just felt so empty.  It was like I didn’t want to be there…like part of me wasn’t…and I wanted to tell him no, but I was too afraid of what would happen if he didn’t listen.” 

                “That’s a valid fear and one I had, too, but it boils down to trust.” 

                “I just want it to feel good again – you know, physically.” 

                “It will.  You have to remember that I’d been in counseling for months before I did it.  I think you would benefit from that.” 

                Jasper scoffed.  “I can’t sit on some fucking couch and talk about my feelings.” 

                “Isn’t that what you’re doing now?” 

                “That’s different – you’re my friend.  I trust you and I was with you through all that shit and you know I would have turned the rat in if you’d told me what was going on.” 

                “Yeah, but then I might have lost all my hard-earned money, not just the fifty-grand my mother stole from me.  Oh, the court finally managed to start garnishing her wages so I can get that back.” 

                “Good, she fucking deserves it.” 

                Lacy sipped her water and shook her head.  “That bitch.  Sent a message through her lawyer that basically said I have enough money since the government paid for my medical care and didn’t I ruin their lives enough because Rick is still in jail and she had to divorce him so they didn’t tap his assets.  You know, maybe the Army covered the immediate aftermath of my injuries, but I’ll need replacement eye and leg prosthetics for life and possibly more surgeries to fix my face better.  I have VA benefits, but they don’t cover everything.”

                “Your mom still doesn’t believe anything happened?” 

                “Oh, I’m sure she knows it did.  She’s just denied it at first so she could hang onto the good life, but then when they threatened to take my stepdad’s money, she had to divorce him so they didn’t share anything.  Now she has a secretarial job and when he gets out, good luck finding anything as a registered sex offender.  So, she’s bitter.”

                “Poor Maggie and Rick – _you_ ruined _their_ lives, not the other way around.” 

                She gave a laugh.  “Right, there’s _evidence_ – what does she think happened?  Did Rick jizz on the couch, snip his pubes and then I sat in it while naked?  Because that would be the only other explanation for the DNA they found.”

                “You seem pretty well adjusted considering.” 

                Lacy shrugged.  “It took a long time, but in the end it was something that happened to me.  It doesn’t define me and they don’t have power over me anymore.  I’m happy and they can’t take that from me.”

                “What does your sister think?” 

                “Holly believes me.  She never liked Rick – said he never touched her, but always made her uncomfortable.  However, she says Mom is her mom and they still have a relationship.  I can’t stop her, but I told her I don’t want Mom knowing anything about me.”

                “I want to go out and get blitzed and forget.” 

                “Well, you’re not going to forget, but if you need a DD, I’ll go out with you and dance and down some virgin drinks.”

                “Tomorrow night?” 

                “Sounds like a plan.” 

 *

                Jasper went to see her parents the following day and have lunch with them before going shopping with Lacy.  “Is it okay if I crash in my room here tonight?  Lacy and I are going out drinking – well, I’m going to be drinking and I’d rather not have the hassle of her trying to get me back on base.” 

                “You know our door is always open for you, Baby Girl,” her father told her.  “Just don’t drink too much, okay?”

                “No worries.  I’m meeting up with her to go shopping because I have hardly anything for going out.” 

                “Oh, I have just the thing; it’ll look perfect on you.”  Penina retreated upstairs.   

                “I swear if it’s some wrap skirt thing she made back in Nineteen-Seventy-whenever…”  Jasper blew on a spoonful of soup to cool it down before eating it.  It was a creamy chicken with vegetables and some kind of dumplings in it and filled her with warmth as rain pattered against the window. 

                “Purple bell bottoms,” Amethyst reminded her.

                “We don’t need to go back to my fashion mistakes, thank you.” 

                Fetuao chuckled.  “You kids with your pants sagging halfway down your ass cracks…” 

                “I never did that!”  Jasper protested.

                “I remember the Pepsi generation – I wanted to call you guys the poopy generation because it looked like you took a dump in your pants!”  He let out a hearty laugh.

                “Gross, Dad, we’re eating,” Amethyst reminded him. 

                “Yeah, and again…they may have been twenty years past their time, but _my_ pants always fit,” Jasper said.  She looked over as her mom returned and handed her something made with purple and black fabric.  She unfolded the shirt and held it up to her.  It was mostly purple with a black mesh material at the top.  “I may not be able to wear a bra with this.”    

                “Mom!  That’s my…”

                “It’s okay.”  Penina cut Amethyst off without looking at her.  “Your boobs are still perky enough.”

                Fetuao cleared his throat.  “So, how about those Seahawks…”

                Jasper roared with laughter.  “They’re losing – sportscast over!”

                Amethyst threw her spoon on the table, scraped her chair against the floor and stormed off up the stairs. 

                “What’s wrong with her?”  Jasper asked.

                “Eh, I told her she couldn’t wear this – she’s too young for a shirt like that.  Plus have you seen her boobs?  Like big watermelons – twenty pounds each.”  Penina held her hands out from her own ample chest. 

                “Yeah, mystery where she gets it.” 

                “And before we know it baseball season will be upon us…” her father interjected.

                “Yeah, well, let’s hope their diva player can stop posing long enough to actually hit the ball.”  Jasper stirred her soup and stayed fairly quiet throughout lunch.  However, afterwards, she went upstairs with the shirt and knocked on Amethyst’s door.  There was no answer and she was about to knock again when she heard the toilet flush.  She waited a moment before her sister came out of the bathroom sniffling and wiping her eye with her finger.  All this over a shirt?  “You okay?” 

                “Mom’s a bitch.” 

                Wow…that was a bit far.  However, Jasper knew the last thing she needed right now was a lecture.  “Look, you can have your shirt back, I mean…”

                “No – keep it!  You have the perfect body and I don’t!  But I’m working on it and soon I’ll be pretty and I’ll show Mom!” 

                 Jasper took the opportunity to really look at Amethyst.  Her face was still round and her boobs were rather large, but it looked as if she’d slimmed up in the waist a bit since Jasper has last seen her.  “I’m glad you’re doing something good for yourself and working on your health.” 

                “I mean…I’m doing what you’re doing.” 

                She chuckled lightly.  “I doubt you’re working out as much as I am, but whatever you are doing, keep it up.  From what I can see, it’s working.” 

                Amethyst’s brown eyes lit up and she finally smiled.  “Really?” 

                “Here, take this back,” Jasper handed her the shirt.  “I’m sure you’ll fit it soon enough.  And don’t worry about being pretty – you already are.” 

                “Thanks, sis.”  Amethyst took her shirt and headed back into her room.

*

                Their favorite club was busy that night, which Jasper liked because she could get lost in the crowd, the music drowning out any echoes of McCoy’s voice or the sharp explosions of guns and bombs from her mind.  There was only her, Lacy, two double whiskeys and her body moving to the music.  A man grabbed her, his body close to her, grinding against her ass.  She responded, moving against him, feeling him harden against her.  He leaned in, startling her.  “Let’s take this elsewhere.” 

                “Okay,” she agreed.  It wasn’t even a question in her mind.  Her experience with Tani had been nothing short of disastrous and she needed something to wash away the horrific dream she’d experienced.  She went with him to the alley behind the club and started undoing his pants, sliding her hand inside, along his ready cock.  “What do you want?” 

                “Your mouth…oh God…yeah…” 

                Jasper sank to her knees and gave a slow lick up his shaft before taking him into her mouth.  She hardly heard the man moaning, hardly felt his fingers in her hair as she did it.  Before she knew it, she was up against the wall and he was pounding into her.  Her head swam with whiskey and her body tingled with pleasure.  Heat welled in her core as he moved and her muscles clenched around him.  Her climax shook through her and she cried out finishing as he did. 

                It still left her empty though, once he had gone and she stood there in the chill of night wondering why she had done that.  Her eyes fell on the used condom he’d discarded.  It kept her mind silent for a moment, but only a moment and now it was back.  All her thoughts about the dream – the humiliation of it all came flooding into her mind.  Following on those thoughts was that of the night Ruby had died…of all the people she’d lost…of guns, bombs that wouldn’t stop…wouldn’t shut up. 

                She exhaled a visible cloud before heading into the club.  Perhaps another double whiskey was exactly what she needed.


	6. Quiet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "But Sadie, wasn't this chapter in Twice in a Lifetime?" 
> 
> Yes and no. There are some parts that have been recycled from that story - once I get to editing that, the chapter in question will be shorter and from another character's POV whereas here I've edited it to show Jasper's POV - there are also some added things here and some of Ames' story. :) 
> 
> I'm off to Beach City Con this weekend - if you are going, I'm co-hosting a panel Saturday night about writing adult fanfiction. 
> 
> Chapter 7 is off to my beta so look for that in about a week or so when I return. :)

** Chapter 6 - Quiet **

_November 2005_

Jasper

                “It’s hard to talk and get to know each other when we have to eat so quickly, isn’t it?” Matt asked. 

                Jasper simply nodded and shoveled a scoop of potatoes in her mouth.

                “I hear it doesn’t snow much, despite being called Snowy Mountain.” 

                She washed her food down with a gulp of water.  “Nope and if it does then everything shuts down and people quickly forget how to drive.” 

                “I was stationed in Germany before this, so we got snow.  Doesn’t snow in Pago Pago, of course, so it was interesting to see it.” 

                “Must be good beer in Germany.” 

                “There is that.  So, when was the last time you visited home?” 

                “Home?  I saw my parents a couple weekends ago.”  She took another bite. 

                “No, I mean, Pago Pago.” 

                Jasper lowered her utensils.  “That’s where my dad is from.  _My_ home is here – this is where I was born and where I grew up.”  She cut through her piece of chicken, which was tasteless and dry, but it was still food.  “I’ve never been.”

                “Wait, you’ve never been – like to the capital or to American Samoa at all?” 

                “At all.  I haven’t been to Western Samoa either.”

                “Your parents never went back?” 

                Jasper sighed.  “My dad went by himself when my grandparents died, but my mom never did.  I’m a little surprised because she always talks about how beautiful it is, but never about taking a vacation there.  I guess it does cost a lot.”

                “I thought to fly back for Thanksgiving, but I’ll be spending it here.  I assume the mess hall serves up a good meal.” 

                “Heh, it’s okay.”  _Invite him to dinner_ , her inner voice told her.  _No_ , she argued herself. _I don’t know him well enough._ But…her father knew his father.  Right, because that was a reason to invite a practical stranger to…  “Would you like to have dinner with my family?”  _The fuck did I just do?_

                “That would be great.” 

                “I hope that wasn’t weird.  I mean, there’s a huge Samoan community here, so we get together at the church function hall – it’s huge and there’s food and lots of people and, I dunno, I just thought it would remind you of home when you’re so far away.”

                Matt smiled.  “Sounds like an awesome _fia fia_.  Can I bring anything?” 

                “No, that won’t be necessary.  My mom and aunties will make enough food to feed an army.”  Jasper looked around.  “No pun intended.”

                There was a scramble of activity as lunch was over and they had to return to work.  Matt stood and picked up his tray at the same time as Jasper.  “Thursday then.” 

                “Yeah.”  Once he had turned and started walking off, she sighed.  What the fuck had she just done?

*

                Jasper looked at her reflection in the bathroom mirror.  There was a crack running the length of it right across her face as though the glass knew how broken she was.  Music from the club dully penetrated through the door but even it could not drown out the chaos in her mind.  She soaked a paper towel in water and wiped her face, taking off the remains of the lipstick she’d carefully applied earlier at Lacy’s house.  Only half of it remained anyway – the other half was smeared on the dick of the guy she just blew in the alley behind the club. 

                She hadn’t even gotten his name. 

                _Does that make you feel better_? her mind asked. 

                It really didn’t.  She wiped her chin removing the stickiness.  She’d told him she didn’t swallow, but never expected him to pull out and get it all over her.  Truthfully, she’d never done this before.  Well, she had the last three weekends, but nothing helped.  Nothing made her feel less empty or silenced the turbulence in her mind.  But here she was spending another Saturday night getting drunk and laid.

                The door opened, loud music assaulting her ears before it closed and she realized Lacy had walked in.  “Where have you been?” 

                “Nowhere special.”  Jasper cupped her hand under the faucet and rinsed her mouth out.  The water tasted nasty as though the pipes were rusty.  “I need a drink.” 

                That was probably the last thing she needed, but she didn’t have duty tomorrow, so why not drink until it silenced her troubled mind once and for all?  She ran her fingers through her long, dark brown hair streaked with gold, still able to feel the mystery man’s hands on the side of her head.  _You deserve to have cum shot in your face, you goddamn slut_ , she told herself.

                “Jasper, are you sure you’re okay?”  Lacy asked.

                “I’ll be fine.  I just want to drink until I can’t feel feelings.” 

                “Are you sure that’s wise?  You’ve been through a lot lately.”

                “Didn’t you ever want to get shitfaced when you got back?”

                Lacy surveyed her face in the mirror as she fixed her hair.  She ran a finger along one of the scars on her cheek.  “Trust me, I did, but they wouldn’t let me have it in the hospital and by the time I got out, therapy had helped me a lot more than a stiff drink ever would.  I think maybe you should consider that instead.”

                “I think I’d rather consider a glass of whiskey in my hand.”  She stepped out into the noisy club, Lacy following behind, and sauntered up to the bar ordering a double shot of whiskey. 

                “Chaser?” the bartender asked.

                “No.”

                She accepted the drink and downed half of it in one gulp, hardly feeling the burn.  Turning her attention to the stage, she focused on the lead singer of the band performing that night.  He was kind of cute in his own way, though his hair was longer than hers.  He wore jeans and a black shirt with a star on it, though she doubted his music would ever launch him to star status.

_But the moment that I hit the stage, thousands of voices are calling my name…_

                Jasper gazed around the club at the maybe fifty people who had come to see him that night.  Although this was not the most popular club in town, Jasper and Lacy liked it because the bartender made strong drinks, there was room to dance, and they could usually hear themselves talk.  Truthfully, though, she’d love to just listen to music that left her ears ringing because maybe it would silence the constant chaos in her head.  

_This life I chose isn't easy but sure is one heck of a ride_

                _You and me both, dude_ , Jasper thought, swallowing the rest of her drink.  However, if she was actually going to get drunk and hook up tonight, at least he was a good prospect.

                When they were between sets, she noticed him at the bar and confidently approached, slapping down money on the counter and ordering another double whiskey, taking a sip before turning to him.  “Hey, I like your music.”

                “Thanks.” 

                She downed the rest of her drink in one gulp.  “So, this might seem incredibly forward, but do you want to find someplace a little more private?”

                He raised an eyebrow.  “What?  I don’t even know your name!”

                “It’s Jasper.” 

                “Greg.”  He shook her hand. 

                “So…about that offer I made…”

                “Yeah, about that...I don’t get paid until tomorrow after the gig…”

                She rolled her eyes.  “I’m not a prostitute; I’m just looking for a fun time.” 

                Greg grinned, chugged his drink and took her hand.  “There should be a couple places backstage.”

                They made their way through the door to the area behind the stage.  Greg took her to a spot where they would be somewhat obscured by boxes and amps and he immediately tried to kiss her, but she put a hand up.  “Sorry, I don’t allow that.  I like to get right to it.” 

                Greg smiled stupidly as her hands undid his pants and slid his cock out, softly rubbing it, causing it to stiffen and grow.  He reached out for her breast, but she pushed his hand away.  She kept her gaze on the wall.  Was this all worthless?  Was she worthless?  Was anything going to erase that horrible night?  His moan distracted her when she cupped his balls, gently massaging them.  “Oh God…yes…”

                She shifted positions, grinding against him and covering his member with her slickness.  He grabbed her hips and she didn’t protest.  Instead, she let him guide her until she slowly enveloped his cock within her wet walls.  She put a hand on the wall behind them to steady herself and breathed heavily as her speed increased and Greg moved against her in sync.  She hadn’t even worn panties…what a slut move.  This is what she was good for…this was it.  Sex would never hold joy for her again.  His fingers dug into her flesh as he held still below her and gasped.  She stopped, sensing his completion.  “You’re done?”

                “I-I’m sure I could go again…”

                Jasper stood and moved away from the boxes and amps.  She ran her fingers through her hair.  “It’s okay.” 

                “But…”

                “Greg, there you are!”  A skinny, rat-faced man with spiky hair marched up to them and quickly turned his attention to the wall when he saw Greg’s pants open.  “Damn it, Universe!  Zip up and get back on stage!”

                She was fucked up in the head.  She knew it as she raced back to the bathroom.  Why had she done that? 

                _Did it make you feel any better, Jasper?_

                She’d give anything for sex to feel fun again…to feel like a normal thing she should be doing…should be enjoying.  Once again locked in a stall, she tried her best to wipe away the sticky shame leaking out of her. 

                _You didn’t even use protection.   You dirty whore_.

                Whores got paid.   She was giving it out for free…to anyone who would have her...waiting for the day when it brought her any kind of joy again.  It could be physically pleasing in the moment, temporarily silencing her mind.  The thoughts returned though when she’d finished with Greg and looked up to see the man she’d been with in the alley not two hours ago…his manager, she gathered.  Morty…or something.  

                _What if you have to face them again…those people at the clinic…_

                God, she was going to have to go get Plan B.  She could already feel their judgment on her.  The same nurses and doctor who had seemed so concerned, who had helped her through one of the worst procedures she’d ever been through.  Guilt still consumed her.  She imagined walking in there again.  She imagined the look the doctor would give her as if to say: aren’t you the slut who just had an abortion?

                _It was a dream!  It was a dream!_

                _You don’t feel dreams, idiot._

                Rage built in her as that night bubbled to the forefront of her mind and she covered her eyes with her hands.  _No, I don’t want to remember that!_  

                She punched the stall door – denting it and breaking the lock.  Standing at the sink, she couldn’t even look at herself in the mirror.  She wanted to scream, to punch something else...

                _Trash_ , her mind spat at her.  _Whore!_

                Jasper put her hands on the sides of her head.  “Shut up!”

                _Filthy garbage!_

                Her rage building, she needed to silence this.  She couldn’t take it anymore.  “I am not trash!”  

                _Dishing it out…isn’t that what he said…how many have there been?   Look at yourself, you worthless slut!_

                Jasper’s knuckles turned white as she gripped the edge of the sink.  “I am not…” 

                She caught her own eye in the mirror before drawing her fist back and punching it, sending cracks spreading across the glass, feeling the hot pain of sharpness digging into her flesh.  There, now her reflection was as broken as she felt inside.  She fished out the pieces of glass and tossed them in the sink before walking out, not caring that she was bleeding.  It made her feel alive…at least she was feeling something besides her inner torment.  Jasper slapped a twenty on the bar counter.  “Double whiskey.”

                “Are you sure?” the bartender asked.  “You’ve had three and no water.”

                “I’m good.  I’m not driving.” 

                “Alright, but I’m cutting you off after this one.” 

                Crap, she’d have to get Lacy to buy her more booze.  She thought perhaps she should nurse this drink, make it last…but instead she swallowed it in a few gulps before slamming the glass back down on the counter.  She was so gone, the burn didn’t even register.  Jasper found her friend on the dance floor and began moving to the music. 

                “Jasper!”

                “What?” 

                “What happened to your hand?” 

                “Huh?”  She held up her hand, seeing it dripping red, blurring before her eyes and hardly remembered anymore how it happened.  The booze was doing its job, quieting down her mind, though she doubted anything could silence it completely. 

                Lacy shook her head as though appalled and grabbed Jasper’s uninjured hand, leading her into the bathroom.  “What the hell?” 

                Jasper looked around, noticing the stall lock on the floor and the broken mirror with smears of blood still on it.  Her legs felt wobbly and her hands tingly almost to the point of being numb. 

                “I can’t believe this,” Lacy muttered, wetting a paper towel and wiping the blood from Jasper’s hand.  “This is getting out of control.” 

                “I…justcan…Mtrash…”  Great, she was having trouble even communicating.  Jasper swallowed a few times.  “Where are we?” 

                “In the bathroom where you just injured yourself having a tantrum.” 

                “Wasn’ta…tantrum…mind…”

                Lacy took a deep breath and sighed heavily, holding the wet paper over a cut that wouldn’t stop bleeding.  “Look, Jasper, you’ve been through a lot, I know and I’m sympathetic to that.  I wanted to try and help you out by…I don’t know, having some fun, but your behavior is destructive and I can’t enable it anymore.” 

                “What?” 

                “You need _therapy_ , not drinking every weekend until you’re shitfaced, not sleeping around with random guys, not punching mirrors and stupid shit like that.”  Lacy threw the paper towel away.  “You’re my best friend and I’ve been over there and I know what it’s like…”

                “Guns in my head…bombs…won’tshutup…”  Jasper put a hand to her forehead, raking it through her hair, stopping to clench it between her fingers tightly.

                “I know.  It was like that for me too, but you need counseling, not booze, not sex…especially not after what happened to you.” 

                Lacy was the only person who knew and right now, Jasper wished she’d never said anything.  “Wanna forget…”

                “Well, that’s not going to happen.” 

                She looked around, her face feeling fuzzy, the tiles spinning on the walls.  “We’re in the bathroom…”

                “How far gone are you?”  Her friend took a cell phone from her purse.  “I’m calling us a cab.  You can’t show up at the barracks like that so stay at my place.” 

                “Need more drink.”

                “No, that is the _last_ thing you need.” 

                “Please…one more.”

                “No.” 

                “Fine, you know what…fuck you!”  Jasper stood up, struggling to stand as she staggered backwards.  “I’m gonna back out.”

                “Jasper!” 

                “Don’t follow me.” 

                Lacy gave an exasperated sound.  “Fine, but I’m done watching you destroy yourself.”  She shoved a twenty into Jasper’s hand.  “Get to your parents safely and explain to them why you’re so trashed.”

                “I am not trash!” 

                “I didn’t say…”

                “I’m not!  You’re a bitch!”  Jasper threw the money back at her and stormed off, kicking open the back door and stumbling out into the alley behind the club. 

The man from before – Morty or something – was back there taking a leak.  He looked her up and down.  “You back for more?”

“Leave me alone.” 

He chuckled, zipping up his pants and heading back into the club.  Jasper wasn’t exactly sure what she should do, but if she headed to the street, she should be able to find a taxi.  _Walking_ , she thought, _okay…I can do this._  

Two wobbly steps was all she managed before her foot hit something and she stumbled, hitting her head on the side of a trash can with a metallic clang and felt herself fall onto something soft before the world went dark.

*

                Her eyes fluttered open, her head pounding as she focused on the young man who had shaken her awake.   It was that musician and he had said something.  “Huh?” 

                “Are you okay?  Do you need help?” 

                Groggily, she looked around…she was laying on trash bags by some silver cans.  “Heh…ended up where I belong…”  She accepted his hand and stood, finding herself with much more balance.  “Thanks buddy…I mean…Greg, right?”

                He nodded.  “And your name is Jasper?” 

                “You remembered?”  She asked.  “Wow…most men just fuck and leave…”

                “Well, I’m not most men.  Do you want to step into my van and clean up a little, or rest?” 

                “Your van?”

                “That’s where I live.  It’s not much, but it’s home.” 

                Home…she didn’t really have one of those anymore.  Well, there was her parents’ house but she couldn’t show up at…blurry-eyed she checked her phone…almost two AM only to wake up Sunday morning with a roaring hangover.  She could almost hear her mother now: ‘What kind of example are you setting for your sister?’  Jasper looked at the van and decided that was a better option than trying to get a cab.  “Yeah, okay.” 

                They crawled in the back and Jasper sat on the mattress and unstrapped her sandals.  “You sure it’s cool if I crash here?” 

                “I wouldn’t have offered if it wasn’t.”  Greg took a seat next to her.

                Of course.  That made sense.  Why hadn’t she thought of that?  “Sorry, I’m still a little…tipsy.”

                “What happened to you tonight?  Your hand and your head.”  Greg gingerly touched the bruise on her forehead with his fingers. 

                “It’s a long story.  I got mad at my friend and yelled at her…I don’t even remember what it was about…I don’t know why the fuck I do this to myself.”

                “What?” 

                “This!  Just…getting drunk and getting laid…and it doesn’t help…”  Jasper lay down, resting her hands on her stomach.  “It just makes me feel worse in the end.  Like I’m worthless…like I’m nothing…”

                “Now, that can’t be true.  I mean…”

                He continued, but exhaustion crept into her bones and she closed her eyes.  Her weary mind transported her back to the battlefield, surrounded by sand and gunshots and screams.  She remembered seeing Ruby fall…she remembered hearing the bomb nearby that knocked her over with a loud pop that came from outside her dream.  Jasper’s eyes flew open and she sat straight up, shouting:  “…under attack!”  Her breathing was heavy as she looked around bewildered.  Where the hell was she?   

                “Jasper, you’re fine…you’re okay.”  Greg gently placed a hand on her shoulder.  “It was a dream.” 

                “It won’t leave me alone…every day…every night…in my dreams…”  Why was she telling him this?  It was something she hadn’t told anyone but Lacy and here she was spewing her feelings to a man she didn’t even know.

                “The war?” 

She didn’t even question how he knew.  She’d probably told him when she was wasted.  She was feeling much more sober now, though her mouth was dry.  As if sensing this, he handed her a bottle of water.  “Thanks,” she said before chugging it.  “Yeah…the goddamn war.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” 

Jasper really didn’t.  What good was there in talking?  She wanted to forget…to distract herself so she didn’t have to think about it. “No, I just want it to stop…I want the constant noise in my head to stop.  I just want to do something to shut it up…to think about anything else.  That’s why I go out and do this shit.” 

                Greg put his arm around her as the blanket slid down.  “You mean like earlier?  Sorry I finished so fast.”

                “Whatever – not the first time.” 

                “Look, I don’t know exactly how to help you.” 

                Jasper gave a laugh that threatened to turn into a sob.  “I probably need a straightjacket and a padded room.”

                “I don’t think you’re that far gone…but I do think you need more help than I can give tonight.”  He ran his fingers over the goosebumps on her arm.  “Cold?”

                “I’m okay.” 

                “Because I have another…”

                “I’m fine,” she insisted.  “Don’t waste your time on a piece of trash like me.” 

                He was silent for a few moments before answering in a compassionate tone.  “You are not trash.  You’re a person who deserves to be loved and who deserves to love herself.”

                She turned to him briefly then looked away.  He didn’t even know her, but he thought she was deserving of love?  Would he still think that if he knew everything about her?  “It’s been a long time since anyone has treated me with any kind of love.  I’m just good for a quick fuck and that’s it.  Then they toss me to the side the same way they would a broken toy.”

                “That’s not what I did, is it?” 

                “No, you came too fast and then that guy showed up and I ran off like a coward.”

                Greg slid his hand to her lower back.  “Can I…make that up to you?  I promise I won’t just do it and toss you aside.” 

                “Whatever, sure.” 

                “Jasper, if we’re going to do this, I need a yes or no.  I’m not going to make you do anything you don’t want.”  He shifted position and put his hand to her cheek, turning her head until their eyes met.   It was oddly intimate as she rarely looked into the eyes of the men she slept with.  “I’m not just going to fuck you and tell you to get out, nor am I going to let you run off.  I’m going to make love to you.”

                “Don’t call it that,” she scoffed, breaking eye contact.  “We’re not in love.”

                He nodded, reaching down and squeezing her hand.  “I want to have sex with you, slowly and gently so it’s nice for you too.  Is that okay?”

                Jasper had gone too long without the joys of that kind of sex – the kind where she abandoned all her inhibitions and allowed anything and everything…the kind where she trusted completely.  It might feel good and distract her for a little while.  “Yes.”

                Greg’s lips grazed hers softly.  She didn’t give her kisses to just anyone and she was about to push him away and go through her list of rules.  _Trust_ …her mind told her.  It was the first sound advice she’d given herself all evening.  Slowly, she gave in, parting her lips, feeling his tongue edging its way into her mouth and hers responding in turn…playing, teasing, encouraging.  His arms slipped around her and Jasper pulled him close, savoring the feeling of his hands, warm and comforting, on her back.  How long had it been since anyone held her? 

                He broke the kiss, his mouth traveling to her cheek, her jawline, slowly down her neck, causing a tingling in her spine that quickly traveled other places.  Jasper’s fingers clenched Greg’s shirt as she gasped, feeling the sharpness of his teeth nibbling her skin.  His hands pulled at her shirt, skillfully finding their way inside and unhooking her bra.  She sighed, feeling the confining garment releasing its hold on her.  She ached for the sensation of his skin on hers after forbidding so many men from having full pleasure with her. 

                Greg swung his leg around so he was straddling hers and sat back, putting a hand to her cheek.  In the dim light, he allowed his fingers to travel down the side of her face, his thumb tracing the outline of her full lips before he leaned in and kissed her again.  He popped open the button at the top of her skirt and slowly pulled the zipper open so he could slide them down her legs and toss them on top of her other clothes. 

                Jasper felt her cheeks flush.  She should have worn underwear…even a thong would have been classier than nothing.  “I’m sorry…I’m kind of a…slut…”

                Greg pressed his fingers gently to her cheek again.  “No talk like that…not tonight.” 

                His lips explored her neck and she leaned her head back to give him better access as she drew in a breath.  Electricity crackled from the places he was touching and she completely lay back, relaxing under him.  _I am safe_ , she reminded herself.  _He’s not going to hurt me_.   Her fingers caught the fabric of his shirt again and she tugged it off.  He pulled back, quickly discarding the rest of his clothes and pressed himself close to her, kissing her softly.  She melted into him, giving into the kisses…savoring the tingling in her skin as his hands explored her body.  Her fingers trailed down his back, across his soft hair and she gasped, arching her back as he slid into her. 

                Her eyes fell on his guitar propped up against the van wall.  This act was a grand thing that ensnared the senses…a symphony…as instruments began to play delicate notes that left the listener wondering exactly where this was going and how it would end.  It conjured up all thoughts of love and beauty.  The music began to build and swell toward something they both knew was exciting and wonderful, and on another level, deliciously terrifying.  Fingers played faster sending frenzied notes into the air.  Finally, the symphony exploded with a crescendo encompassing every kind of ecstasy and joy and unbridled passion known to man.  Then just as soon as that seemed like the end of this musical journey, a few small notes, the last bits of pleasure and love floated up into the air hovering there for a moment or two before dissipating and leaving two people laying close to each other, trembling fingers intertwined, still reeling at this intense, intimate joining of their bodies and souls.

                Fear entered her for a moment, but was quickly swept away as he kissed her forehead.  They were still breathing heavily and she leaned her head back and heaved a pleased sigh, moaning slightly.  Her heart thudded in her chest and she was overwhelmed with the realization that this was what she’d wanted sex to be all along.  Not just fun and enjoyable – but something that brought two people together and connected them.  Jasper reflected on how she’d been living her life the past few weeks and on how hurt she was.  Alcohol and random sex was not going to fix this ache inside her…it wouldn’t fix anything, but only make her feel more empty. 

                She knew tomorrow they would part ways and she’d probably never see him again, but tonight he’d given her tenderness she’d needed.  He’d made her feel wanted and beautiful and deserving of love…of help.  Tomorrow, she’d go to Lacy, apologize and ask her assistance in getting therapy to finally move on from her trauma.  However, in that moment, as Greg held her and exhaustion crept into her bones, she realized that at least for now…at least for tonight…her mind was finally quiet.

*

                Knocking on Lacy’s door the next morning was difficult and she worried as it took a moment that her friend had looked through the keyhole and decided not to speak to her.  However, the door opened and she faced Lacy who balanced on crutches, perhaps not having had time to put on her prosthetic.  “Sorry…I know it’s early.” 

                “Come in.”  Lacy turned and hobbled the short distance to the living room where she sat down, letting out a sigh. 

                “I am really sorry,” Jasper said as she took a seat.  “I don’t remember too much of what I said, but I know it wasn’t…”

                “A bitch.  You called me a bitch because I tried to help you.”

                “Yeah, I shouldn’t have done that.” 

                “You’re my best friend, Jasper, and I care about you.  If you are willing to get counseling and do what you have to in order to really heal, I will be there for you and help you every step of the way, but if not then I can’t do it.  You’re on a path that can only end in disaster and I can’t watch you destroy yourself.” 

                “I’ve always been strong and never needed help…”

                “If you’re refusing help, then go.”

                “I’m not.”  Jasper choked down the lump in her throat and blinked to stop the tears before they started.  “It’s hard for me to admit I need it, but I do.  I can’t do this by myself.” 

                Lacy turned and plucked a card off the small table by the couch.  She handed it to Jasper.  “I saw this guy after everything that happened with my stepfather and after I was injured.  He’s good and he’s non-judgmental.” 

                “I can’t talk to a guy about all this.”

                “Trust me, he’s heard it before and he can help.  Sometimes it’s just a matter of having someone to talk to who isn’t going to judge you – to let those feelings out in a safe environment.  Of course, you can always do that here, but he actually knows how to help you.  All I can do is listen.” 

                Jasper ran her finger along the edge of the card.  “Thank you, Lacy.  I’ll call tomorrow.”

*

Amethyst

                Before she was ever out of bed, the house smelled delicious and she lingered under the warm comforter for a few moments before she got up…mostly because she had to pee.  After she’d done that, she headed to the kitchen where her mom was sliding a pie out of the oven.  “Anything I can do to help?” 

                “You want to peel potatoes.” 

                “Not really…”

                “Great.”  Penina shoved a peeler in Amethyst’s hand.  “And get dressed before Jasper comes over.  Remember, we’re meeting her boyfriend…” 

                “She has a boyfriend?”  Amethyst asked.

                “She never said ‘boyfriend’!”  Her father called from the living room.

                “Well, why else would she bring him to dinner?”

                “Because he likes to eat?”  Amethyst ventured as she got started on peeling a mound of potatoes.  “Hey, can I try something a little different with the mashed potatoes?”

                “As long as it’s nothing crazy,” her mother said.  “The coconut milk is in the pantry.”

                Amethyst was not using coconut milk.  Rather, by the time she was ready to mash the potatoes, she dumped two containers of sour cream and two sticks of soft butter to the large pot.  Then she sprinkled two packets of ranch seasoning into the potatoes and mixed everything up.  She took a small taste and let out a satisfied: “Mmmmm.  Hey, Mom, try it.” 

                Her mother tried a spoonful and was silent for a moment as she judged it.  “If you don’t make this every year, I’ll be very disappointed.” 

                “Really?  You think it’s good?” 

                “Yes.  You know, I could use some help in the kitchen.  Jasper never wanted to learn to cook and now that she might be getting married, she should learn…” 

                “She actually never said they were…”

                “I can make sure you’re prepared for your future.”

                “My future includes college and a lot of other things before I get married.” 

                “Like what other things?” 

                Amethyst shrugged.  “Backpacking across Europe maybe.” 

                “With your wardrobe…better be a big backpack.”  Penina turned back to the green bean casserole she was putting together.  “Now get out of those pajamas.  Jasper will be here at any time.”

                Amethyst was just finishing up putting some eye makeup on when the doorbell rang.  She fluffed up her hair a bit, brushing some of it over one eye.  She made a hand gesture in the mirror with her thumb and pinky extended and stuck out her tongue like she was in some rock band.  “Wazzup!”  

                God, she was a dork.  At least she looked good.  She wore the top Jasper had given back to her and while her boobs, held in place with a black bra, strained it and she did have some rolls, her waist had definitely gone down in the last six weeks or so. 

                “Amethyst!” her mom called up the stairs.  

                She stuck out her tongue again.  Maybe she should pierce it.  Oh, her mom would hate that.  She made her way down the steps and to the living room. 

                “How is Josh doing?” her dad was asking the young man seated next to Jasper. 

                “My dad?  He’s doing well.  He actually works at the recruiting office, so it was pretty obvious where I was going to end up.”  He turned his head toward her and gave a friendly smile.  “You must be Amethyst.  Is that okay, or do you have a nickname?”

                “Sometimes people call me Ames, but Amethyst is cool too.”  She shook his hand. 

                “Mataio Matua, but I go by Matt.” 

                After all her talk about not dating within the community anymore, her sister had actually brought home, not just someone of Samoan descent, but a man actually from the islands.  What if they got married?  What if she moved there?  If her parents hadn’t ever gone back what were the chances the family would go there to see her? 

                “So, how long have you two been dating?”  Penina asked. 

                “About two days short of never,” Jasper told her.  “We’re just friends.” 

                “Your father and I started out as friends, too.”  Her mother winked at her.  “And you know, I got married at twenty-four and that’s only a year away for you.” 

                “I have things I want to do before I get married, Mom.” 

                “What?  Backpack Europe like your sister?”  Penina glanced at Ames and her eyes widened.  “What are you wearing?!  I can see your bra!”

                “It matches and this is…” 

                “I gave that shirt to Jasper for a reason.  Look at you!”  Her mom pointed at her chest.  “You’re spilling out of your bra – you got four boobs!  Go upstairs and put a sweater on.”

                “Yeah, because Jasper doesn’t also have huge knockers…” Amethyst muttered as she left the living room and trudged upstairs.  Okay, she did, but they were the ‘right kind’ of huge.  Jasper’s body was fit and toned and her boobs were round like perky grapefruits, not watermelons.  Who had watermelon boobs at fifteen?  Why couldn’t she be smaller like the other girls?  Peridot had hardly anything – she probably didn’t even need a bra.  Maybe Amethyst would give the shirt to her, except it was definitely too big.  Sighing, she threw the shirt down and pulled a baggy, purple sweater over her head, securing it with a wide belt.  Well, her ‘four boobs’ no longer showed, but what was there seemed almost more noticeable with the belt cinching her waist in. 

                The ride to the church was uneventful and Jasper drove with Matt in her car.  Amethyst wished she could go with them, but she was responsible for making sure none of the food spilled.  By some miracle, considering her father’s driving, everything arrived in one piece and she helped her mom and Jasper bring it in, setting it down next to the other side dishes her aunties had provided.  Another table contained all types of meat – prime rib, turkey, fried chicken and a whole roasted pig cooked by the men in the community.  Her stomach growled and her mouth watered, but she had to wait until after the priest had given a short speech about what Thanksgiving meant and lead a prayer blessing the food.  

                Afterwards is when the entire function hall burst into a bustle of activity and noise as people talked, laughed and enjoyed the meal.  Amethyst filled her plate with turkey, pork and four different kinds of potato dishes before sitting near her cousin Carnelian, whom everyone called Nelly.  “I haven’t eaten all day waiting for this.” 

                “You look like you’ve lost weight.  I mean your face is still round, but that’s a family thing.”  Nelly put a pudgy hand to her own full cheek.  Despite all the older men in the community being addressed as ‘uncle’, Nelly’s father was actually Amethyst’s dad’s brother. 

And just like her and Jasper, Nelly and her sister, Sefina, couldn’t be any more different.  Amethyst looked over at her waif-like older cousin with her short hair dyed platinum blonde.  God, she was like a stick – no wonder her nickname was Skinny.  “She’s a senior now, right?” 

                “Yeah, Mom wants her to go to college, but she has her sight set on tech school to be a beautician.”  She dropped her voice.  “I read Skinny’s diary and she’s had sex.” 

                “What?!” 

                “Shhh, not so loud.  She has a boyfriend Mom and Dad don’t know about.  You’re lucky your sister is dating a decent guy and brought him to meet your parents.   You…uh…you think they’ve done it?”

                Amethyst took another bite of potatoes and swallowed before answering.  “They’re not dating; he’s just a friend.  I’m pretty sure she’s had sex though.  In fact, she’s flat out said she did.”

                “I know a lot of people do, but I…I think there’s something kind of old fashioned and spiritual about saving yourself until marriage.  I think I might do that.”

                “I mean, it’s your decision.”  Amethyst scraped the last bit of food from her plate.  “I don’t think anyone will want to have sex with me.”

                “With your gazongas – yeah they will.”  Nelly laughed. 

                Amethyst excused herself to get more food then looked down at her boobs.  As much as she wanted to pig out, she remembered her mom’s cutting words.  Four boobs…like fucking udders.  Her stomach felt uncomfortable under the belt.  After everything, she was still a cow…a fat ugly cow in an oversized sweater.  She threw her paper plate in the trash and headed for the bathroom.

*

Jasper

                “Does it remind you a bit of being home?”  Jasper asked as they stood by a wall.  She crunched her teeth into a piece of roasted pork skin. 

                “A little, yeah.  We always get together outdoors though in a communal _fale_ – you know, the houses with posts and roof so it’s open…”

                “I know.  My parents have told me, but you don’t live in one, do you?” 

                Matt shook his head.  “No, they’re more common in Western Samoa as houses.  Our house is western style – we even have air conditioning – but we do use large _fales_ as gathering places.  You know, the weather is pretty nice in November.  So, my dad and uncles they cook in an outdoor oven and we have pig and taro and breadfruit and fresh vegetables and fish, but we also have turkey and some canned vegetables that are imported.”  He scooped up some of the green bean casserole.  “Nothing like this though – this is amazing.”

                Jasper had only taken a little bit, though she wasn’t sure why.  She worked out enough to burn it off.  “I mean, it’s not on the American Heart Association diet, but yeah, it’s pretty good.”

                The priest approached them with a smile.  “Hello, Jasper.  I haven’t seen you lately.” 

                “Yeah, I’ve been…um…”

                “She’s been attending the service on base.”  Matt introduced himself and shook the priest’s hand. 

                The priest looked at her again.  “And how are you?  How is everything?” 

                “I’m fine.” 

                “The offer to speak with the Parish office is still open.  Gabriel will be happy to help you.” 

                “That’s not necessary.”  Jasper stirred her potatoes with the plastic fork. 

                “I see.  I hope that if you have not gone to confession on base, you will seek absolution here.”  He smiled, wished them a happy Thanksgiving and left. 

                Jasper scoffed and pitched her near-empty plate in a trash can.  “Jerk.” 

                “What about?” 

                “Something I told him in confession…I…” 

                “It’s okay.   You don’t have to tell me; that stuff is private.”  Matt scooped the last of his food from the plate and then threw it away.

                She motioned with her head for him to follow her into the hallway where she took a breath before speaking.  “I was pregnant last month – it was, obviously, out of wedlock, so I said something during confession.  He offered me assistance through The Gabriel Project.  Well, now I’m not pregnant anymore, so…there’s that.” 

                “I…wow…I’m really sorry, Jasper.  Can I…would it be okay if I hugged you?”  When she nodded, he wrapped his arms around her.  “My sister had a miscarriage with her first pregnancy.  I know it’s not an easy thing to go through.” 

                Jasper held onto him for a moment.  Should she correct him?  Should she say it?  He thought she’d been through a horrible experience…though, she had been.  No, it was a dream – it could be a dream again.  She’d taken care of the consequences and now it was as if it had never happened.  Finally, she pulled away.  “I’ll be okay – I’m tough.”

                “Look, I don’t know how recent your last relationship was, but…”

                “It wasn’t.  It was just a one-time thing back in Iraq.  I always use condoms, but nothing’s one hundred percent…” _Shut up, Jasper_!  “Not that you needed to know that… Jesus!”  She turned to see none other than a painting of Him on the wall, three fingers extended and a clear heart over His chest.  “God damn it…I mean, damn it…I mean…” 

                To her surprise, Matt laughed.  “So it’s safe to assume we’re both not saints.” 

                “No shit.  Well, you lied to the priest.  I don’t go to the Mass on base.” 

                “I don’t go every week.  Back home everyone goes every week, but I’ve gotten out of the habit being away so long.  I am Catholic though if that matters.” 

                She shrugged.  “I don’t care what religion you are as long as you’re a good person.”

                “It’s just, your mom was dropping a lot of hints…”

                Jasper rolled her eyes.  “Ignore her.  It’s like she thinks if I’m not married by my mid-twenties, my life is over.  Word of caution: every auntie in there is going to try and introduce you to their single daughters.” 

                He flashed his warm smile.  “I kind of got that vibe.  So, before they can, could I take you out?  You know, on a real date?” 

                “A real date?” 

                “I like you.  I think it’s your sense of humor and how you say whatever you’re thinking.”

                “It’s just my sarcastic nature.  What did you have in mind on our date?”

                “Dinner and a movie?”

                “Movie then dinner.”  She saw confusion cross his face.  “If we see a movie first then we have something to discuss at dinner.” 

                “I suppose I should ask your father first.” 

                “Why?  I’m not his property.  He’s going to tell you: ‘she’s twenty-three, she can do what she wants’.” 

                “It’s the polite thing to do.” 

                She knew where he was from, family was very important.  Heck, it was important here, too and there was a small part of her that found it sort of sweet that he was being so proper about it.  “Saturday good?” 

                “Yeah.  I’ll even pick you up at your room and we can walk to the theater together.” 

                Ah, so it was going to be the base theater and likely dinner at one of the restaurants at the MWR.  Honestly, it was good they were going to keep it casual for a first date.  Jasper gave him a smile.  “Sounds like a plan.”

*

Amethyst

                Amethyst was honestly surprised Jasper offered to take her shopping.  Usually, they’d go with their mom, but Penina had to work.  “Babies are born even on Black Friday,” she’d explained.

                “You’re really cool shopping with me and going to see _Harry Potter_?” 

                “I think it’s best if we choose Christmas gifts for Mom and Dad together.  As for the movie, I can watch some magic school stuff…” 

                Amethyst doubted her sister had actually read any of the books.  “What kind of books do you like?  Romance?” 

                “Ew, no.”  Jasper followed the girls through the racks of clothing in the department store.  “I like adventure and mystery…and action, like some good fight scenes.”

                 “You might actually like the _Harry Potter_ series then,” Amethyst suggested.  “It’s got all that – I mean a lot of the fighting involves magic, but it’s cool.” 

                Jasper looked around at the section they now stood in surrounded by frilly, lacy underthings.  “Don’t want to buy like…dresses…or something?”

                “I need a good bra, but Mom says they’re too expensive.”  Amethyst looked down and adjusted her straps as best she could so the cups fit better.  “I keep bulging over.” 

                “You need to be fitted is what you need.  They do it here for free.”  Jasper found a sales associate and told her Amethyst needed a well-fitting bra. 

                The woman wrapped a measuring tape around Amethyst’s bust and then just under, comparing the numbers.  “I’ll be right back.” She disappeared into the lingerie section and returned with four bras.  “Now, I grabbed you a plain one without wires, a satin with underwire and this really pretty lace bra – also with underwire.  I also chose a sports bra for those times you want something super comfortable.” 

                “I don’t like underwires; they hurt.” 

                “If the bra fits, they shouldn’t bother you.” 

                Amethyst went into a dressing room.  The sports bra was the most comfortable by far, but didn’t offer much in the way of support, while the plain cotton without wiring lifted her boobs decently enough.  The satin bra slid up the underside of her boobs in an unattractive and uncomfortable way.  However, when she put on the lace one, she turned in the mirror looking at herself from all angles.  She slid her shirt on and marveled at how good she looked.  Amethyst pulled her loose shirt tighter.  With her boobs supported where they should be, she could wear more form-fitting clothes and look good.  She ventured out of the stall and turned in front of Jasper.  “This is with the lace one on and look…”  She pulled on her shirt again showing off her figure. 

                “Wow, Ames – you have been losing weight!”  Jasper beamed.  “Good job!”

                “Really?” 

                “You look amazing.” 

                “I mean, I’m still big…I have a long way to go.” 

                “Ames, don’t listen to the shit Mom says, okay?  Big or small, curvy or fit, you have beauty – in and out and having confidence only makes it shine brighter.  Now if you want to work out and get healthy and lose weight because it’s what YOU want, go for it, but you’ve always been pretty.” 

                “Thanks, but I like the way I look now.  Especially in this bra – holy cow!”  She turned in front of the three-way mirror and stuck her chest out making it look massive. 

                “Okay, don’t do that.”

                “Mom actually suggested we ask the doctor about a breast reduction.” 

                Jasper shook her head.  “They won’t do it until you’ve finished growing and by then you’ll be eighteen and able to make that decision for yourself.  Besides, you’ve got them – enjoy them now before they give you back problems.  Anyway – you want that bra, I’ll get it for you.  It’s buy one get one free and I could use a new ‘going out’ bra myself.” 

                “For who?  Matt?”  She wiggled her eyes suggestively. 

                “Stop that.  Matt is nowhere near ‘seeing my bra’ status.”

                Back in the dressing room, Amethyst unhooked the lace bra and looked at the tag.  “Forty G!  I am not that big!” 

                “Tell everyone, Ames!” 

                She rolled her eyes then focused them on the price tag.  Sixty dollars?  For a BRA?  It was fabric that held her boobs.  There were surely people out there who would feel honored to hold her boobs.  She put her ill-fitting bra back on then joined Jasper out amongst the expensive boob-holders.  “Are you sure about paying for it?  It’s sixty dollars.” 

                “I haven’t had much to buy being deployed and all.  Besides, if I get one with the sale, it’s like paying thirty.”  Jasper plucked a black bra from the rack in her size and Amethyst waited while she tried it on. 

                She was a little disappointed her sister didn’t come out to display how it fit on her, but then Jasper was likely used to finding bras that fit easily.  Hers were probably generally less expensive as well.  Amethyst wondered when this diet would start working where her chest was concerned.  Maybe she should enjoy their size as Jasper suggested, but she knew she’d enjoy them a lot more if they were just a little smaller.  Just a little longer – if she could keep this up a little longer – she’d have the body she wanted.


	7. Pieces

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while - Beach City Con was amazing and I got to co-host a panel about erotic fanfiction, so that was fun. 
> 
> But let's get on with the fic. :)

**Chapter 7 - Pieces**

_December 2005_

Jasper

                Jasper’s fingers tapped nervously against her knees as she sat down in the counselor’s office.  The sofa was comfortable and there were plants everywhere and pictures on the wall of nature scenes. 

                The counselor was a middle-aged man, his long black hair streaked with gray pulled back in a ponytail.  Though his face was lightly lined and his stomach was a little pudgy, he may have once been very handsome.  Actually, he still was in his own way, she decided.  He introduced himself as Derek Eagle.  “So, most people would have you fill out the intake form by yourself, but I like to ask the questions to get a feel for who you are and what we might want to discuss during our time together.” 

                “You don’t want to know the main reason I’m here?” 

                “We’ll get to that.”  He held up a clipboard.  “Let’s start with your childhood.  Who did you grow up with?” 

                “My mom and dad and a sister.”  She answered questions about abuse in the household, drug use and prison stays, none of which applied to her.  “I had a very good life, actually.” 

                “And you left home at eighteen when you joined the Army?” 

                She looked down at her camouflage, having not had time to change.  “Yeah.  I served in the MP for a while until they let women in combat then I changed my specialty to the infantry and that’s what I was doing in Iraq the past eighteen months.  I just got back the end of the September.”

                “Are you in a relationship?” 

                “No…well, I went on a date this past weekend and we talked about getting together again.  Wouldn’t call that a relationship.” 

                “Are you sexually active?” 

                “Is that really relevant?”

                “Absolutely.”  He didn’t explain further. 

                “No.”  Be honest, she told herself.  “Okay, well, I have been…” what was a good word to use here?  “…promiscuous, especially lately.” 

                “Any particular reason?” 

                Jasper shrugged and shook her head.  “Sex is fun.”  Was. 

                “Have you ever been the victim of sexual assault?” 

                Her heart pounded and her lungs contracted, making it hard to breathe. 

_If you say anything, there will be consequences._

                It was a dream…it was just a dream.  She wasn’t ‘victim’ – no, Jasper Palamo could never be a ‘victim’.  It had never actually happened.  “No.”

                “From the information you gave my receptionist, your main concern was about a war experience.” 

                “Yeah.  I mean, nothing about war is easy, but just before I left there was this battle and…” she paused to take a breath.  “…I lost nine people I knew from my squad.  I was laughing with them just that morning…and then they were just…gone.  One of them was my roommate – Ruby.”

                Derek nodded and jotted down some notes.  “It’s never easy to lose friends.” 

                “I should have died with them.  The terrorists were going to shoot me, but they didn’t.  I looked dead to them, so they didn’t.”  Her voice faltered and she blinked furiously trying to keep the tears back.  “And…ever since, it won’t stop.  I should have died there too…and I keep hearing guns and bombs in my head.  My dreams are real – it’s like I’m back there.  I can’t even hear a car backfiring or something being dropped or I startle.  I was in the store helping my mom shop for Thanksgiving shit and I literally stopped in the frozen foods and stared at the Otter Pops because one of the last conversations I had with Ruby was about goddamn Otter Pops.”  She squeezed her eyes together but a tear escaped anyway.  “It was going to be Thanksgiving and I was with my family and Ruby wasn’t with hers.  I tried to save her, I did…” 

                He handed her a box of tissues.  “Jasper, losing a friend is never easy and this is a safe place.  You can express your feelings here and it’s okay to cry.  It’s a sign of how much you cared for Ruby.” 

                “I talked to my dad about it – he was in Vietnam – and he said a lot of the guys came back shell shocked.  Yeah, I’ve heard about those guys – hiding under the damn table at Christmas throwing rolls at ‘Charlie’.  Okay, I don’t want that to be me.  I want to be normal – not crazy Auntie Jasper who could go off at any time.” 

                “Understandable.  We didn’t know a lot about the effect battle could have on combat soldiers – particularly the psychological impact back then.  The doctors wrote it off as being ‘crazy’, many people were against the war and had negative feelings and a lot of the returning veterans didn’t get the care they needed.  Was your dad in combat?” 

                “Not that I know of.  He doesn’t talk about it much, but I don’t think he saw much action.  He has this story about bananas he tells a lot.”

                “That sounds interesting, but let’s focus on you.  Now, we know much more about how being in active combat can alter the mind and we’ve discontinued the use of the term ‘shell shocked’ – it’s archaic.  Now we call it PTSD – Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Have you heard of it?” 

                “Yeah.” 

                He asked her a series of questions about that battle and how she was dealing with it, which from her answers, she gathered was poorly.  “I think it’s safe to say you’re probably suffering from PTSD – very common in combat soldiers.  The good news is that it’s manageable and our time together is going to be spent talking about your experience and helping you come to terms with it.”

                “Okay.” 

                “But you have to open up to me.  Before our next appointment, I’d like you to write out a trauma narrative – your account of that night, what you remember, how you felt about it then and how you feel now.  Next appointment, I’ll have you read it to me and then we can start dissecting some of those feelings over our visits and help you come to terms with them.” 

                “Is swearing okay?” 

                “If that helps you express yourself, then yes.”

                God, the last thing she wanted to do was go back to that night and all that happened, but she’d promised Lacy she’d give this a chance.  She took a breath and thought about the journal she used to keep.  She wasn’t sure where it was anymore and would need to get a new one.  She guessed her next few nights journaling would be devoted to this as she began picking up the pieces of her broken mind and putting them back together.

*

                “Strike!”  Jasper jumped in the air and whooped happily. 

                “You’re kicking my ass.”  Matt laughed as he picked up his bowling ball from the return machine.  “For a cheap date, this is pretty fun.”

                Jasper sat at the table, watching him approach the lane as the pins were reset.  “Yeah, I haven’t done this in a while.”  She plucked a chip from the basket of nachos and crunched it.  “I don’t normally eat this kind of stuff, but damn I missed nachos when I was deployed.”

                “I miss my mom’s cooking.”  He sat beside her and looked up at the screen, his score reflecting the single pin he’d managed to knock down.  “I miss the palm trees and the sun and the sound of the ocean.” 

                “Well, we have pine trees and rain and the sound of the waves in the Puget sound.”

                His brows knitted together.  “Wait…Pyuu-jet?   I’ve been saying Pugget for like three months and you’re the first person who’s corrected me.” 

                Jasper laughed.  “Pugget!  Sorry, but that’s…that’s kinda cute.”

                “And we have mountains, but not like here.  In Samoa they’re green…and they’re volcanoes.”

                “What do you think ours are?  Don’t let the snow fool you – they’ve been saying we’re due for an eruption and a huge earthquake for YEARS.”

                “And neither of those things have happened?” 

                “No, well, we had a quake about five years back when I was in high school.  We were supposed to have a pep rally that day, so Lacy and I were cutting class and we’re near the gym and hear this rumbling and thought it was the pep squad practicing.  Then the ground starts rolling – no shitting you – rolling and twelve years of earthquake preparedness – out the window.  We’re like ‘what the fuck do we do’?  By the time we thought to get under a nearby door frame, it was over.  There was some damage to older buildings, but it wasn’t too bad.”

                Matt nodded.  “Never been in an earthquake, but we’ve weathered a few typhoons.  They said it’s gonna get cold in the next few days, so maybe we’ll get some snow.”

                “It’s possible.”

                “Well, this game is almost over, so roll again and beat me.” 

                “Gladly.”  Jasper got up and bowled another strike.  “Well, that’s turkey then.” 

                “You got lucky.” 

                She did a victory dance and laughed as she sat down to finish the nachos with him.  “You’ve said you like football.  Do you play?” 

                “I did in high school.  Back home I’d play for fun with my cousins and neighbors sometimes.”  He popped a jalapeño in his mouth.  “So, you have any tattoos?” 

                “Me?   No.” 

                “Really?  You seem so badass, I figured you’d have at least one – maybe even _malu_.”

                “Oh, no – I mean, I’ve considered it.  Not _malu_ , but something and I think I want a traditional design but I’m not sure what, you know.  It’s permanent and I don’t want to just settle and be stuck with a turtle or something on my body.  What about you?” 

                “I got my _pe’a_ done before I left for boot camp.” 

                “Really?” 

                “Yeah, it took a whole summer and then my family and village had a huge _fia fia_ to celebrate and also say goodbye.” 

                “My dad had it done after he left the Army.  You think I should get it done?” 

                “What _pe’a_?” 

                Jasper laughed and shook her head.  “No, I’m not going that far.  Besides, that’s just for guys.  Maybe I can get a little ankle tattoo.”

                “Naw – those are for princess types.  You’re not a princess.”  He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.  “You’re a warrior.”

                She felt warmth spread in her stomach and heat rise to her cheeks.  His touch was gentle and welcoming and a smile came to her lips as he held her hand while they walked back to the barracks.  They stopped in front of her door all too soon.  “I had fun.  We should do this again.” 

                “This weekend?” 

                “I can’t.  My friend, Lacy, is getting married.” 

                “Right, you told me that was soon.  You get to wear some hideous dress, right?” 

                “Well, the style isn’t bad, but it’s pink.”  Jasper made a face.  “I hate pink.”

                “It’s not my color either.”  Matt chuckled.  He cupped her cheek with his hand and stroked her skin.  “I like you, Jasper.” 

                “I like you too.”

                “Would it be okay if I kissed you goodnight?” 

                “You’re actually asking?”  When he nodded, she smiled.  “Yes, that’s okay.” 

                The kiss was soft and gentle and her lips tingled deliciously even after they’d said good-bye and she settled in her room for the night.  After so many years of fuckboys and relationships that lasted weeks at most, it finally felt like maybe this could go somewhere.  She’d promised herself long ago that she wouldn’t date anyone in the community, but she hadn’t grown up with him, so this was a little different.  Another smile as she got into bed.  He was different.  And she liked that.

*

                Jasper was not used to wearing makeup…or a dress, but she shoved down her feelings about the off-shoulder pink taffeta dress with ruffles on the bottom because this day was not about her.  She adjusted Lacy’s veil over her face and smiled at her.  “You look…” 

                “Don’t say beautiful.  I’m wearing this veil for a reason.” 

                “You stop that nonsense right now,” her sister, Holly, told her.  “Carlos loves you for more than your face.” 

                “Besides, you look extremely happy today,” Jasper said. 

                “Glowing, even,” another bridesmaid chimed in. 

                Lacy smiled and put a hand to her stomach, which was slightly rounded.  “I’m so nervous…it’s like butterflies in there.” 

                “Are you sure that’s nervousness?”  Holly asked.  “I mean, you’re what – nineteen weeks now?” 

                Lacy ran her hand along the bump covered by her white satin dress.  “Oh my God…I can feel him move.” 

                Jasper forced a smile.  She’d been a couple of weeks behind.  Maybe she’d be feeling her baby move soon.  Maybe, like Lacy, she’d know what she was having and would be thinking of names.  She took a deep breath.  Why was she even thinking of this?  She made a choice…a necessary one.  Right now she needed to be happy for her friend.

                The wedding itself was a very typical affair, as Jasper had expected.  She stood beside Lacy, holding her bouquet as the couple exchanged vows.  She’d known her as Lacy Agate – Crazy Lace – for so long that the thought of her changing her name, becoming a wife and mother was odd.  For years it seemed like they’d never settle down, that they’d be friends forever without change.  Change was inevitable, but at least if it had to happen, it was a good change.  She could have lost Lacy like she did Ruby, but here she was, watching her best friend slip a ring on Carlos’ finger. 

                “With this wing, I thee wed…” Lacy breathed, her voice airy as though trying not to cry. 

                Hold on, had she heard that right?  No, of course not.  But then she heard Holly stifle a snicker beside her.  Yes, she had – she’d botched her vows and said ‘wing’.  Wow…well, maybe no one else noticed.  

                Unfortunately, it was apparent everyone had noticed as they both congratulated the couple and teased her during the reception.  Carlos’ mother laughed.  “With this wing…”

                Lacy turned to Jasper who sat next to her at the bridal table.  “And to think I was going to try and say these vows in Spanish…as a sign of respect or something.  It’s not like I remember a lot from high school though.”

                “I only speak it well when I’m drunk and can sing a mean La Bamba…other than that…I’m right there with you.”

                “And how are things going with your man?” 

                Jasper smiled and cut into her chicken.  “They’re good.  He’s coming to Christmas dinner.  My parents couldn’t be happier, but I told them it’s nothing serious right now.” 

                After the best man had made his speech, which involved note cards and calling the bride Lexi by mistake, it was Jasper’s turn to stand up.  “Well, I’m not much for writing speeches and I am much for procrastinating, so I guess I’m gonna – _wing_ it.”  She paused while everyone laughed and Lacy gave her an incredulous, but amused look.  “Sorry, Lace, I had to.  Lacy and I have been best friends for twelve years or something now and I guess we all knew this day would come when Lacy would meet someone who completed her in ways that no other best friend could.  Now, she’s given him a promise to share her life with him and invited him to be not just a best friend, but a soul mate.  So, to Carlos and Lacy.”  She raised her glass of sparkling cider with everyone and took a sip.  She looked at Lacy after she sat down.  “I’m gonna need a stiff drink after this.” 

                “I’ve been craving a hot toddy recently.  Isn’t that something?  All the cravings in the world and it’s something I can’t have.  Well, I decided if I can’t drink at my wedding no one else is either.”  Lacy laughed.  “I’ll be your turn soon.  Word of advice – make sure you’re not pregnant.”

                Well, she definitely wouldn’t be getting married in December if she could help it.  She took another drink of cider and inwardly made plans to burn the ugly dress she was wearing.

*

                “I had an abortion, you know,” Jasper told Derek at her next appointment.  “I’d be about seventeen or eighteen weeks now…and I know I had to do it, but I still feel guilty.  Especially when I see Lacy’s pregnancy progress, it just drives the point home that I didn’t even give my baby a chance.” 

                “You’re already dealing with a lot – loss, survivor’s guilt, PTSD – you did what you had to do for your own mental health.  Going through with an unplanned pregnancy on top of everything else would have been difficult.” 

                “My religious background is Catholic.  What I did went against everything my parents and my church taught me…and what I believe morally.  I’m all for freedom of choice, but I never wanted to have to make this choice for myself.  I truly thought when I got pregnant it would be because I really wanted a child, but I…I just couldn’t face it.”

                He scribbled a few notes.  “Being a parent – especially a single parent – is not easy and from what we’ve discussed, you seem very career-oriented.  I imagine it would be difficult to be a soldier and a mother.” 

                Jasper shrugged and looked over a plant in the corner.  “Women do it.  It’s not impossible.  If the circumstances had been different maybe…no, not maybe – I would have owned up and kept it.  Even if it was hard, I would have done it.”

                “Are you feeling jealous of your friend?” 

                She paused for a moment.  Talking about her feelings wasn’t something she was used to yet, but she’d only been to three sessions.  “I don’t think ‘jealous’ is the right word.  I mean, I’m happy for her – this is something she wants and she’s getting it.  You know, I have other opportunities for babies and now was definitely not the right time.  I guess I just feel guilty that I cheated it out of a life.  I still think I could have given it up for adoption, but I’d still have to deal with the pregnancy and my family’s reactions.” 

                “You think they would have been angry or disappointed?” 

                “Not about me having a child – I mean, my mom may not have been thrilled about my not being married, but they know I’m an adult.  Family is very important to us – our entire community is like a huge extended family, so if I gave away a child who was meant to be part of that family, I know they wouldn’t be happy about it.”  She squeezed the stress ball she’d plucked from the shelf earlier.  Having something to do with her hands helped her concentrate.  “That would have been unthinkable to them.  They’d have helped, but…” 

                “Sometimes you have to focus on what’s best for you.” 

                “If I was insistent on it, they’d have encouraged me to give the child to a couple that we knew – someone I’d see regularly at community events…parties and such.  I’d have to watch it grow up and I’d be reminded of…well, I’d just want to break all contact, that’s all.”

                “I remember you saying you’d slept with other soldiers…”

                Jasper gave a nervous laugh.  “There was no sleeping.” 

                “Was the father of your baby one of the men who died?  One of your friends?” 

                “No…I was really careful with them.”  Her heart pounded and the stress ball nearly slipped from her sweaty hand.  “I used condoms…every time.” 

                _Here – if you don’t have one I do._

_I don’t think so._

_Then it’s a no._

                “Jasper, you seem far away.  Where did you go just now?” 

                “N-nowhere.  I mean, I was just thinking about some of the guys.  Three of them I were with died that night…you know even though I was having sex with them and we had this arrangement, they always treated me like a friend.”  She took a deep breath and willed herself not to cry.  “They were…my friends.” 

                “Jasper, if you have to cry – to mourn – this is the place to do it.” 

                “I don’t cry.  I’ve always been strong.  I mean, I cried when I was pregnant, but I think that was the hormones.”

                “Do you not cry because it’s not a physical response you feel to pain or sadness?  Or do you try and stop it before it starts?” 

                “Uh…yeah, that second one.  I’m strong – I’m supposed to be strong and strong people don’t cry.” 

                “That’s not true.  Do you find yourself getting angry when you keep these feelings inside?” 

                “Sometimes.  I guess I feel if I cry over something like losing my friends, I might not be able to stop.  I mean, I come from a culture where family is important and then in the Army your fellow soldiers are brothers and sisters-in-arms.  They also tell you don’t get too close, you know, you never can tell what’s going to happen, but…” she shrugged.  “You can’t help it.  You work with them…you become friends and then in one night several of them are just gone…just like that.”

                “And how did that make you feel?” 

                Her face flushed and her chin shook…so did her hands and suddenly she had a death grip on the stress ball.  “Angry – it’s not fair!  I know it’s what we sign up for and when I’m in uniform, I’m supposed to put all my human feelings aside and focus on the job but I’m still a person and it still bothers me when people DIE.  I mean, I saw Lacy after she got dismembered and Ruby’s gone and I’m a fucked up mess and now I find myself asking why the fuck we’re even over there.  I used to want to make a difference – I used to think I was doing something good and noble.  Now I’m wondering if I’ll really renew my contract when it comes up later next year.  Do I really want a full military career or do I want to get out?” 

                “That’s a question only you can answer.  Try to remember why you wanted to get in – what difference did you want to make in the world?” 

                “I saw news reports of the women in Afghanistan being treated horribly – not just unfairly, but horribly.  Like if their shoes made noise on the street or they laughed in public they could be beaten.  They were shrouded like they shouldn’t be seen…like they weren’t even people.  I mean, I could wear what I wanted, speak my mind, get an education and I wanted that for them.  I thought being a soldier – going over there and kicking the Taliban’s butt, you know, I’d do some good in the world.  But we go over there and we shoot them and they shoot us and now we’re in Iraq and I just follow orders and even I’m questioning whether this is about terrorism or oil or God only knows what anymore.”  Jasper sighed heavily.  “It just seems like I’m not really making a difference.”

                Derek  nodded and wrote down some more notes.  “I would try and find that passion again – that passion to help people and see how you might be able to do so in the military.  If you can’t, you may need to look outside the box.” 

                “I don’t know what I’d do.  I mean, the military pays for college, but I’ve never been that smart and I’m too old for that shit.” 

                “You’re never too old to further your education or improve your life in any way.  Now, why don’t  you feel you’re smart?” 

                Jasper scoffed and shifted the stress ball from one hand to the other.  “I didn’t get good grades in school.  I guess I really just didn’t apply myself…I did very well on the ASVAB, which surprised me.  Never did take the SATs because I always figured I was joining the Army.  I’d planned on it since I was twelve.” 

                “What made you decide that so young?” 

                “My dad, I guess.  He was always strong and I’ve always been more like him than my mom.  He always talked about having that ‘warrior spirit’ and I asked him if girls could be soldiers and he hugged me and said: ‘baby girl, you can be whatever you want’.  My dad has always been supportive of my choices.” 

                “But you don’t think he would have supported you giving your baby up for adoption?” 

                She shrugged.  “Eventually, I think he would, but both my parents would have told me how much they’d help and that they’d do what they could to take care of the baby and I worried that I’d cave and keep it and never really love it the way it deserved.”

                “And children deserve all the love they can get.  So, if you felt you couldn’t love that child the way it sounds like your father loves you then what do you think about your decision?” 

                Jasper nodded her head as though in confirmation.  “I made the right decision for me.”

                “It’s natural for you to mourn your child and to feel some guilt about that, but the more you remind yourself that you did what was best for you the closer you get to letting go and moving on.  Grief is process and you’ve been through a lot of loss lately – your friends, your baby – it’s not easy.” 

                “No, it’s not.  I’ve never really lost anyone but whenever I’ve heard of someone dying, there’s a funeral – there’s that closure.  I didn’t really get that.  I think there was a memorial on base but I was in the medic during that time.  All the funerals were held stateside.  My baby’s funeral was Lacy holding me while I cried right after the procedure.  No one but her and I knew it existed.”  Okay, she figured the people at the clinic did and her priest, but of people she cared about, only Lacy had been able to help her grieve. 

                “It’s okay to cry, maybe talk to your parents and see if they could help you set up a small ceremony for your friends.  If you don’t want to tell them about the baby…”

                “I can’t,” she interrupted.  “They’d never forgive me.” 

                “Perhaps reach out to Lacy and see if she can help you.  It doesn’t have to be much – you could release balloons.  You could write a letter telling them what they meant to you and burn it.  You could send flowers floating in a lake or river.  Just something small and simple, once you feel you’re ready, to say goodbye and let go.”

                Jasper took a breath, nodding as her hand slowly released around the stress ball.  Letting go, she realized as her fingers relaxed, would feel good, but was she really ever going to be able to let go of the dream she couldn’t even bring herself to talk about?

*

Amethyst

                “I was supposed to eat junk food and watch Christmas specials with Peridot…” Amethyst moaned as her mom put a blanket over her.

                “You haven’t been able to keep anything down for two days.  How are you going to enjoy your popcorn and candy and all the other stuff you shouldn’t be eating?” 

                “I’ll manage…” 

                “Besides, Peridot is such a tiny thing – you don’t want to get her sick too.”  Penina felt her daughter’s forehead.  “In fact I’m beginning to wonder if I should call Jasper and tell her not to come tomorrow.” 

                “But she missed last Christmas and she’s home now.”  Amethyst coughed and shivered.

                “Yes, but I doubt she wants to get sick.  I have no idea if she got her flu shot.  I’m required to because of my job, but I never thought to make you and your dad get one.” 

                Amethyst had gotten sick first and just this morning had heard the ungodly sounds of her dad retching in the bathroom.  Not that she was any stranger to throwing up, but at least she controlled when she did it.  Now she never knew and she couldn’t even keep water down.  Her mom had given her two pills earlier to try and reduce her fever, but she’d quickly puked those up too.  “I’d feel much better in my own bed.”

                “And I feel better when I can keep an eye on you.  Besides, you can watch TV here.”  Penina clicked the TV on and turned it to a cartoon show.  

                Amethyst grabbed the remote and flipped through the channels, pausing at a familiar talk show only to see they were reading paternity tests.  She scoffed and rolled her eyes.  “Of course he’s not the father…”  Finally, she settled on old reruns of a sitcom.  It hadn’t ever been her favorite show, but it was background noise to doze off to. 

                She was briefly awakened when the doorbell rang and heard her mom telling Peridot she didn’t want her getting sick and “well, she can’t keep anything down, but I’ll be sure she gets it.” 

                “What did she bring me?” Amethyst asked weakly as she heard her mom put something in the fridge. 

                “Potato soup.” 

                “The creamy kind?”  Peridot’s mom made the most amazing creamy potato soup that just warmed a person up from inside and made them feel better no matter the problem.

                “Yep.  She said her mom and Pearl made it.” 

                “Yum.”  Not that she could keep it down.  Her stomach churned and groaned uncomfortably. 

                “You want to try some ginger ale and crackers?” 

                Amethyst shook her head before dozing off again.  Her mother woke her up later to try and get her to drink a little water.  It stayed down for only a moment before she retched into a basin.  “I feel like crap.”

                “I’m worried you might be dehydrated.”  Penina felt her forehead and stuck a thermometer under her tongue without warning.  It beeped and her mom’s face reflected concern.  “If you’re not better in the morning, I’m taking you to the hospital.” 

                “Mom, that’s a little much.  I just need rest.” 

                “You also need water and medicine to help this fever and you puke up anything I give you.  They may need to give you IV fluids and maybe some nutrients.” 

                “I hate needles.” 

                “I don’t think anyone likes them, but sometimes they’re necessary.  For instance, you’re getting a flu shot next year.”  Penina pulled the blanket up more and smoothed her hair.  “I talked to Jasper.  She’s coming tomorrow but we felt it better if Matt didn’t.  You probably don’t want him seeing you like this.” 

                Amethyst shook his head.  “You think Jasper’s gonna marry him?” 

                Her mother smiled.  “I hope so.  She told me about Lacy’s wedding and I just thought, you know, in a year or so that could be Jasper.  I only hope she’s not pregnant at her wedding, though.”

                She tried to imagine her sister in a wedding dress, but really couldn’t.  She could see Jasper wearing her dress uniform or perhaps a white suit.  She drifted off to sleep and dreamt about being a bridesmaid, but on the day of the wedding Jasper’s front teeth fell out and they were trying desperately to super glue them back in.  Then for some reason she was marrying Tani and when the priest asked if she took him as her husband, Jasper said: “Are you fucking crazy?”  She dropped her bouquet and left Tani crying at the altar then the dream skipped to her and Amethyst eating tacos.  With each taco, Amethyst felt her body bloating larger and larger until her clothes had ripped and she was a naked blob still munching away. 

                She awoke with a start.  It was dark and quiet…late at night, she suspected.  Her stomach seemed to have settled down a bit, but it could just be a trick to get her to eat something and then projectile vomit all over the wall.  Her sore throat was dry and she coughed uncomfortably.  Clicking the light on, she took a tiny sip of water and waited.  Then she took a mouthful.  Nothing.  Her stomach churned, but didn’t rebel.  Amethyst drank half the glass, relieved to finally be able to keep something – anything – down. 

                Amethyst slept again, only to wake up soaking wet and wiped sweat from her forehead.  Feeling slightly stronger, she picked up the glass and shuffled into the kitchen where her mom was sliding a pie into the oven.  “Hey, Mom.” 

                “Amethyst, how are you feeling?”  Penina was in front of her in a second and placed a hand to her forehead.  She sighed with relief.  “Your fever broke – thank goodness.” 

                “I need water and probably a shower.” 

                “Jasper will be here soon to stay with you and Dad while I go to Mass.” 

                “Okay.”  Amethyst downed two glasses of water and took a soothing shower.  The steam helped her sinuses clear, though her throat was still scratchy.  As she dried off after, she heard the front door open and close and the unmistakable sound of Jasper’s voice.  She quickly changed into a pair of pajamas and made her way downstairs. 

                Her mom set a small plate on the table.  “I made you some toast and an egg.  See if you can keep that down.” 

                “Thanks, Mom.  Merry Christmas, Jasps.” 

                “Merry Christmas, Ames.”  Her sister hugged her briefly.  “Not feeling very well?” 

                “I’m better than yesterday.”  Amethyst sat down. 

                “Okay, Jasper, remember to take out the pie when the timer beeps.  It doesn’t have long.  The fire extinguisher is in the laundry room…just in case.” 

                Jasper groaned after her mom left.  “You set something on fire one time…”

                Amethyst broke her egg with the fork and watched the yolk run over the white.  She dipped the corner of her toast into it and took a small bite.  “I had a dream last night where we were eating tacos.” 

                “Yum.” 

                “And you married Tani.” 

                “Ew!”

                “And your front teeth fell out.”

                “Creepy.  Well, we can make the taco part happen when you feel better.”  The timer beeped and Jasper slid the pie out then back in.  “It didn’t look done – five more minutes.” 

                “I kept getting bigger the more tacos I ate.  I hate being fat.” 

                Jasper sat back down.  “You’re doing a good job Ames.  If you’ve hit a plateau, that’s normal.  Keep going for your goal, don’t give up.” 

                “Well, the past few days probably helped.” 

                Jasper laughed.  “Not the ideal way to lose weight, but they probably did.”

Her father walked in, his hair was messy, but he smiled at both of them.  “Ho, ho, ho.”  Fetuao plunked a headband with antlers attached onto Jasper’s head.  “Picked that up for you, Baby Girl.” 

                “Festive and it’s not nice to call your daughter a ho,” she joked.  “You look like you’ve felt better.” 

                “Up until yesterday afternoon it was coming out both ends.” 

                “Gross.  You need anything?” 

                “I got it.  Feeling better this morning.  It hit Ames much harder.”  Fetuao grabbed a cup of Jell-o from the fridge.  “Your mom’s on me about getting the damn flu shot.” 

                “It’s not a bad idea.” 

                “You girls want to play a game or something?” 

                “Uno!”  Amethyst exclaimed. 

                “With or without the robot?”  Jasper asked.  When Amethyst said she wanted to play with the robot that spoke and mixed up the rules or made players switch cards, her sister got the game from the living room and set it up on the table. 

                Half an hour must’ve passed.  Amethyst put her last blue card on the robot’s head and pressed down.  “Uno!”

                “Nice play,” the robot said in its prerecorded voice.  “Amethyst trade cards with Fetuao.” 

                Her jaw dropped.  Her dad had at least twenty cards.  “Boo…” 

                Her father switched cards with her then sniffed the air.  “Is something burning?” 

                “Huh?”  Jasper’s eyes widened.  “Shit!”  She ran to the oven and slid the pie out, the top of it shades of black and dark brown.  “Fuck!” 

                “It’s okay, Baby Girl.” 

                “No, Mom always makes apple pie for Christmas.  I just ruined Christmas.” 

                “I have an idea.”  Amethyst went to work, peeling back the top of the pie finding that the filling was cooked, but not burned.  She scooped it into a dish then spread some granola and raisins on a pan, topping it with cinnamon and brown sugar before sliding it into the oven.  By the time her mom returned from Mass, Amethyst had turned the disaster into something that resembled an apple crumble. 

                “I’m sorry, Mom,” Jasper mumbled.

                Penina gave an exasperated sigh.  “I’ve offered to teach you to cook, but you just don’t listen, do you?  What would your husband say?” 

                Amethyst took a breath, deciding that a new scarf was not enough of a gift for her sister.  At least today, Jasper didn’t need her mom’s judgment.  “But, look, Jasper attempted to fix it.  Try a bite.  I’m sure it’s good.” 

                “Jasper fixed it?”  Her mother asked with disbelief.  She ate a small spoonful.  “It…it’s pretty good…actually…”  She took another bite.  “It’s very good.  Not tradition, but good.  Maybe there’s hope for you after all.” 

                It was much later, after dinner when Jasper and Amethyst were alone and watching _How the Grinch Stole Christmas_ that her sister brought it up.  “You didn’t take credit for dessert?” 

                “I couldn’t.  Consider it a Christmas present.” 

                Jasper chuckled.  “Thanks.  It’s definitely a good holiday when Mom isn’t digging her claws into me.” 

                “Right?!  This is probably the first Christmas she hasn’t said anything about how much I’m eating.” 

                “Well, as good as you’re doing, you deserve a cheat meal.” 

                Amethyst smiled.  Her sister knew the truth of what she was doing and that it worked.  It was like a secret they shared.  After years of being so different and with space between their ages being a factor, sharing a secret and smiling at each other, she finally knew what it was like to have a real relationship with her sister.

 


	8. Breaking Silence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NaNoWriMo is coming up in just a few days - last year I finished Earning Her Stripes during that time. I'm hoping to do the same with this fic, though since each chapter is beta-ed, they may not all be released in November. 
> 
> That being said, let's get some healing for Jasper - she deserves it, while Ames digs herself deeper into trouble.

**Chapter 8 – Breaking Silence**

_April 2006_

Jasper

                Matt was more of a gentleman than any other guy she’d dated and she told Lacy this as she helped her set up the crib she’d gotten for her baby shower.  “I mean, we’ve kissed, but he hasn’t even tried to make a move.  Everyone else I dated I banged within a month.”

                “Sounds like a keeper.”  Lacy took a screwdriver from Jasper. 

                “What if he’s terrible at sex?”

                “Or a virgin?”

                Jasper laughed.  “No, he talked about a couple of girls he’s been with.”

                “Do you feel ready for that?  How is your therapy going?”

                “It’s good – we’re working on getting me more comfortable with expressing feelings.” 

                “Ah yes, the whole ‘I feel’ stage.  And you feel he’s helping you through things?” 

                “Yeah, actually.”  She’d had fewer vivid dreams and when she woke from one, it wasn’t so startling once she realized she was safe.  “He recommended a comfort item like a stuffed animal that I can physically touch and know I’m safe.  I feel a little silly about that though.”  She glanced at the instructions and passed the last piece to Lacy.  “How many soldiers do you know with a teddy bear?”

                “It doesn’t have to be a teddy bear.”  Lacy held the piece in place and started attaching it.  “It could be a pillow in your favorite color or a soft blanket.”

                Jasper picked up a quilt that had been laying on the rocking chair.  It was sewn in various shades of blue and white.  “Carlos’ mom made this?” 

                “Yeah.  Once the baby is born, she’ll embroider his name and weight and his birth date – you know, all the details – on it.  We’ve chosen the name Kyle.  It means ‘handsome’.” 

                “What if he comes out ugly?” 

                Lacy gave her an incredulous look.  “You think my child is going to come out ugly?  Bitch, I was a model.”  She finished up and took the quilt from Jasper, draping it over the side of the crib.  “Hey, Jasps, you’re okay with all this baby stuff, right?” 

                “If I wasn’t I wouldn’t be here.”  She looked at Lacy’s swollen belly.  “It does make me think about how far along I’d be, but I’d probably also be a huge mess.  I mean, you’re getting ready for a child you want and will love.  I’d be getting ready to probably give my child away.” 

                “Have you talked to Derek about it?” 

                Jasper shrugged.  “Some.  I mostly focus on things that happened during the war.  I know eventually I have to somehow let go of that baby, but I don’t think I’m there yet.” 

                “Do you think it would be too hard to be there when I have Kyle?” 

                “Me?  What about Carlos?” 

                “Of course, he’ll be there too, but I’d feel much better about it if I have another woman there – someone I know and trust.  I guess most women have their moms, but that’s not an option for me.” 

                Jasper scoffed.  “Even though my mom delivers babies day in and day out, I don’t really want her anywhere near my coochie when my time comes.”

                “Oh no – only the doctor is going down there.  I just want you and Carlos in the room for support or whatever I need that day.”   She placed a hand on her stomach.  “I don’t know why, but I’m scared.  I know it’s natural and they say you forget the pain once you hold your baby, but I think it’s gonna hurt like hell and I’ve had my share of pain.”

                “True, but I mean, if you have to go to the hospital and be in a lot of pain, at least this time it’s for something worth it.” 

                Lacy looked down at her stomach, smiling sweetly as she ran her hands over it.  She was glowing and beautiful and Jasper pushed down the jealousy and guilt rising in her.  “Yeah, I’ll be at the hospital for you.” 

                She had to be there for her friend…no matter how much it killed her inside. 

*

                “I mean…I made a choice, right and most of the time, I’m okay with that – I know a baby right now, especially…well, it’s not part of my plan and would fuck everything up for me.  But there’s still that part of me that thinks about the fact that it would be born next month and whether it would be a boy or girl and what name would I be choosing.  I’m not lying when I say I’m happy for Lacy, but when I look at her…it just drives the point home that I still need to let go of what I did.”

                “Grief is a process.  Just like coming to terms with the death of your friends, you need to mourn the loss of your baby and some days may be harder than others.  No matter how many years pass or other children you have, regardless of how that loss came to be, it was loss.  The important thing is to remind yourself why you made that decision and that it was best for you.” 

                “I don’t even know why I beat myself up about it.  I didn’t choose to get pregnant or have sex.”

                Derek stopped writing.  “What do you mean by that?” 

                “What?”

                “You didn’t choose to have sex?”

                Jasper’s fingers clenched the stress ball as her heart pounded.  Her stomach turned to ice and dropped as memories of that night flooded back.  “I…he said…” 

                “This is a safe place, Jasper.  No matter what someone said, you can tell me anything and it stays right here.  If you keep it in, I can’t help you.”

                “The father of my baby was my sergeant.  He kept asking me to…and I kept saying no.”  She took a breath and let it out slowly, forcing back her tears.  “So I finally said yes, but he didn’t want to use protection…”  Her face was suddenly on fire – a mix of anger and shame.  “So, I said I wouldn’t…and I woke up…and he was…well, he had sex with me.” 

                Silenced filled the room for a moment.  “This is significant, Jasper.  When did this happen?” 

                “August.” 

                “And you’ve held it in since then?” 

                “I told Lacy, that was it.  He said if I reported it there would be consequences.”  She swiped at the tears trying to escape.  “I just…women in the military get kicked out for squealing…he knows that.  He knows that this career is important to me and it’s all I’ve ever known or wanted.  I don’t want to report it – God, no – but I do want to forget it happened.” 

                “I can tell you that you’re never going to forget.  Any traumatic event is going to stay in your mind likely forever.  Just like the trauma you experienced in war, forgetting won’t happen.  However, you can move on…you can recover, but you have to do the work.  You have to trust me and talk to me and let me help you.  Can you do that?” 

                “I…I don’t…”

                “When you’re in battle, you have to face your enemy, right?  You have to challenge and overcome every obstacle in the way?  This is just like that – this is battle – and you have to tackle it head on to get through it and once you do, you’ll be able to go on and fight through whatever might come after.  You’ll come through stronger – guaranteed.”

                “I’d like that…but…it’s just…” 

                “You can do it, Jasper.  You don’t have to talk about it anymore today, but before we meet again I want you to write down exactly what happened that night, how you felt when it happened and how you feel now.  This gives you a week to do that.  Have you been keeping up on your journaling?” 

                “Yeah.” 

                “Do you think you can write this out for me?” 

                “I…yeah, I guess I can do that.”  Jasper wanted her heart to stop pounding.  What was he going to think of her if he knew the whole truth?  What would he say when he realized it was her fault?

*

                “So they do this fair every year?”  Matt asked as they walked through the vendors and booths.  The joyful screams of people on rides filled the air. 

                “Yeah, it’s not as big as the one in the fall, but it’s a nice distraction.  Lacy wants me to get her some fair scones.” 

                “And that’s like a biscuit with jam, right?” 

                “Okay, it is not just a biscuit with jam.”  Jasper laughed.  “It’s a fucking fair scone and it’s delicious.” 

                “What’s a corn dog?” 

                “Hot dog covered with cornbread and deep fried.   You don’t want that.  There is a place here that sells roasted corn on the cob and the biggest turkey leg you’ve ever seen in your life.  That’s what you want – trust me.  And afterwards, there’s a barn area with the creamiest, most amazing ice cream – probably made from fresh milk and given an angel’s blessing.  Of course, if we’re doing rides, we’re going to want to do that first.”

                “Okay, so I’ve never been on anything like these rides.  Can we start with something simple?” 

                “Um, yeah, the ferris wheel is pretty tame.” 

                “What’s your favorite?” 

                “The roller coaster.”  She pointed to it as it crested the hill and clattered down, the occupants screaming in delight.

                “I like the wheel idea first.”

                “Step right up!”  A man yelled from a game booth.  “You sir – win the pretty lady a prize!” 

                Matt led Jasper over to the booth and surveyed the prizes.  “Anything catch your eye?” 

                “They’re all stuffed animals.” 

                “At least it’s a shooting game.” 

                “The games are rigged, Matt.” 

                “I take offense to that,” the carnie said.  “Tell you what – you hunt – this is an easy game.  All you gotta do is knock out as many of those ducks as you can.  Knock out three you get a small prize, seven gets you a medium and ten gets you a large prize.” 

                “You’re on.”  Matt plunked some money down. 

                Jasper laughed.  “Let’s hope you’re better at this than bowling.”

                Matt picked up the rifle they handed him, which Jasper guessed maybe shot out BBs at the most, and aimed for the plastic ducks that swam by on fake water.  He missed the first one, but must’ve quickly realized how the game was set up and what was off with the gun because the rest of them went down easily and he ended with eleven points. 

                “Good job, sir – what will it be?” 

                “That stuffed tiger up there.”  He accepted the animal from the man and handed it to Jasper.

                “What am I going to do with this?”  She laughed, but part of her found it sweet.  It was at least a foot long and stuffed very fat. 

                “Isn’t the proper response ‘thank you’?” 

                “Thanks.” 

                “It reminded me of you…you in your orange tank top with your stripes and your wild spirit.”

                Jasper smiled and stroked the tiger’s ear.  “Well, he is kinda cute.”

                “So, it’s a ‘he’.  What’s his name?” 

                “I don’t know.  I’ve never had to name a tiger before.” 

                The sky turned gray later on in the afternoon and they cut the day short, picking up a dozen scones and heading back to base.  Jasper stood with her hand on the door to her room.  “You want to come in?” 

                “Sure.”  He followed her inside and looked around.  “It looks a lot like my room.” 

                “Shocker, I know.”  Jasper plunked the tiger on the bed next to her pillow and set the scones on the desk. 

                Matt picked up the journal from next to the paper bag she’d placed down.  “Is this your diary of secrets?” 

                “Yeah, read it and I’ll kill you.”  She grabbed it from him and put it in a drawer.

                “Anything about me in there?” 

                “Maybe…all good, of course.”  Jasper wasn’t concerned about any of the entries regarding him, however.  She was more concerned about the most recent entries regarding Sergeant McCoy.  What would Matt think if he knew what had happened? 

                Right now, though, he was holding her close, rubbing her back lovingly.  “I had a great time today, Jasps.” 

                “Me too.”  She slid her arms around him.  “Thank you for the tiger.” 

                He laughed a little.  “Think of any names yet?” 

                “I dunno…Stripes?” 

                “Boring.  How about a Samoan name?” 

                “Yeah, I don’t know the word for ‘tiger’.”

                “There isn’t one.  The closest is _pusi_ – cat.”

                “That word is too close to an English one that’s not always polite.  Besides, every time my mom tells a story, the names always sound like they have twenty letters.” 

                “So, your mom tells you stories.  You know Sina and the Eel?” 

                Jasper nodded.  “Yep.” 

                “My mom’s name is Sina.”  He sat on the bed with her.  “Your parents wanted a more American approach, I guess.”

                “Our middle names are Samoan, but yeah, they wanted us to fit in.” 

                “What is it?” 

                “What?” 

                “Your middle name?” 

                “Nafanua.”

                Matt moved some hair away from her eyes, tucking it behind her ear.  “The warrior goddess – fitting.”

                He’d called her a warrior multiple times.  Warriors didn’t have things like the dream happen to them.  Would he change his mind if he knew how weak she’d been?  “My mom hasn’t told me that story.”

                “What?  Oh, you should ask her – it’s a good one.  Nafanua was a remarkable woman – like yourself.” 

                “You really think I’m remarkable?” 

                “Of course I do.  Most women who join the army don’t choose to go into the infantry.  I mean, I’ve seen how strong you are – commanding…you just take initiative even in training exercises.  You have the makings of a leader.  When are you up for sergeant?” 

                “I can apply later this year, but I probably won’t get it.” 

                “Why would you think that?” 

                “Um, because it would be my first time applying and I’d probably do well on the test, but my smart mouth will botch the interview.  I’m a woman…” 

                “They can’t deny you a promotion because of your sex.” 

                “Yeah, well, from what I’ve seen it seems to take women a little longer to move up the ranks.” 

                “Why do you think that is?  I mean, you’re as fit as any man.  You’re just as smart.” 

                Jasper gave an affirmative nod.  “I can also have babies.  If I become a sergeant and I also decide one day to be a mother, I’ll need to have a modified routine and obviously I can’t be deployed during a pregnancy.  I would need to take several weeks after having the baby and if I had one I might want another.”  She took a breath and let it out as a sigh.  “I know a lot of women leave the military when they become mothers.  I signed on to have a full career.  I don’t plan to just leave.” 

                “Do you plan to have kids?”  Matt took her hand and squeezed.  “I know you lost one…I also know it wasn’t planned, but I wonder if you would want to have some that are.” 

                “Maybe.”  She recalled the turmoil in her mind when she was faced with the pregnancy.  She also remembered saying numerous times that if it had happened any other way she would have kept the baby.  “Yeah…yeah, I want kids someday.” 

                “So do I.” 

                She laughed lightly.  “Are you proposing?”

                “No, but if I’m honest, I don’t date just to mess around.  I date to find someone to spend my life with.  I mean, I’m not getting any younger.”

                “I guess I’m not either.”  Jasper had always resisted society’s push to be a wife and mother.  She always thought she had time for all those things later.  However, sitting next to Matt with his arm around her as he leaned in for a kiss, it felt right and she had to consider that maybe love wasn’t restricted to a timeline she set.

*

                “Were you able to get your trauma narrative written?”  Derek asked as he sat across from Jasper at their next session. 

                Her hands shook as she pulled the pages from her purse that she’d ripped from her journal and held them out.  “Yeah…it took the better of a week.” 

                “Good.  I’d like you to read it.” 

                “Me?” 

                “As I said, you need to face your trauma just like you face an enemy in battle.”  He handed her a box of tissues.  “It’s okay to take your time and it’s okay to cry, but _you_ need to be the one to tell me your story.”

                Jasper’s heart pounded and she felt heat rise to her face.  “I’ve only told Lacy about this and I wrote in way more detail.  Did you mean what you said about not being judgmental?”

                “I did.” 

                “Okay.”  It took her close to forty minutes to get through telling him about it haltingly and wiping away her tears as the feelings of that night flooded back.  She could feel him on her and hear his voice in her ear.  Chills ran up her spine as she described how he’d touched her…violated her.  Her throat hurt from trying to hold back the sobs that threatened to escape.  “I…I just wanted him to stop and…and I couldn’t tell him that.  I just couldn’t do anything.  I just lay there…and let him do it.” 

                “I’m sure you’ve heard of ‘fight or flight’ – that instinct in your brain that tells you to either defend yourself or run away.”  When she nodded, he continued.  “Most people haven’t heard of ‘freeze’ – sometimes in a split second your brain decides that fighting or fleeing are both too risky that’s what your mind tells your body to do – to just freeze.   It’s a natural reaction and there’s nothing wrong with that.”

                “You know, I’ve never been afraid of men.  Even if they hoot and holler at me, I usually give them some sarcastic answer and they shut up. No one ever tried to touch me or hurt me until he did.  Men, more or less, respected me.  And then…he just…” 

                “So, the other men you were with respected you.”  Derek shifted in his chair and made a note.  “Did you ever tell the other men ‘no’ when they asked for sex?” 

                Jasper nodded.  “Yeah, I mean, obviously there was one week of the month where I wasn’t going to do it – we called that week ‘code red’.”  She shrugged.  “But sometimes I just didn’t want to and they were okay with that and we didn’t have sex.”

                “And the moment Sergeant McCoy disrespected your right to say no, it was no longer sex.  Can you tell me what it was?” 

                She shook her head.  She couldn’t say that word.  “That makes it too real.  That can’t have happened to me.” 

            “It was real.”

“No – I would never let that happen!  I would have kicked his ass; I should have kicked his ass!  I’d never just lay there and…and just let him…I didn’t even fight.”

“I’m sure you’re very good when it comes to fighting, but so is he, I’m assuming.  You were scared and that’s okay.  What wasn’t okay was that he didn’t respect you or your right to say no.”

Fresh tears clouded her vision.  “I fucking deserved it!  He said I did!  I was a fucking slut and I was dishing it out to a bunch of other guys on a silver platter, so why not him?  He had every right to just take what he wanted!”

“No matter what justification he gave for his actions, you are not to blame for what HE did.  And what he did was not sex.  Sex is consensual; this was not.”

                “That can’t have happened to me.  I’m supposed to be strong.  Things like this don’t happen to strong people.”

                “They do, Jasper,” he said gently, but firmly.  “Something like this doesn’t mean you’re weak.  It means you’re a person who had something terrible happen to them and that terrible thing was not your fault.  And in order to face this, you need to stop using euphemisms and call it what it is.” 

                She took a deep, shuddering breath.  “I…I haven’t even admitted to myself.  How can I…how can I even say it?” 

                “You can – you just said you’re strong.  So, be strong – give this crime a name and then start to heal from it – rise above and move on.  That will be your revenge…to show him this didn’t destroy you.  Now, if it wasn’t consensual sex, what was it?” 

                Jasper sniffled and pulled a few tissues from the box, blowing her nose and soaking up her tears.   Once she said this, it became real.  There was no going back to calling it a dream or pretending it never happened.  Once she said these words, she became a victim forever, but she couldn’t keep dodging it.  Beyond the fear and shame was her desire to do exactly as Derek had said – rise above and move on.  Her voice escaped hardly above a whisper.  “He raped me.”

                “A little louder if you would, so I can hear you.” 

                God, was it his job to make this difficult?  Jasper straightened herself on the couch and took another breath, her voice coming out slightly stronger than before.  “Sergeant McCoy raped me.” 

                And once she said it, she felt like a weight had been lifted from her chest.

_*_

Amethyst

                “I’m going to the dance alone again…” Amethyst lamented as she and Peridot surveyed the clothes in the thrift store.  “Plus my mom is all like ‘why don’t you wear the dress you wore to homecoming’?  Because I’ve lost like thirty pounds – the dress only fits in my boobs but looks like a potato sack everywhere else.” 

                “Mom tried to give me an old dress of Pearl’s, but she’s around six inches taller than me, so all her dresses were too long.”  Peridot pulled a suit jacket off the rack.  “I wonder if I could wear pants…”

                Amethyst plucked a yellow sundress from the selections.  It had large yellow flowers sewn on the base of it.  “How about this?” 

                “Ew…it’s ugly.  Plus, yellow washes me out.” 

                “Yeah, it looks better on people with darker hair.” 

                “And darker skin.  Pinks and yellows tend not to look so good on people whose skin is as white as those wedding dresses over there.” 

                Amethyst placed it back on the rack.  “Well, it’s too small for me.  I wonder when I’ll lose weight in my boobs.  I figure I’ll ask the doctor when Mom takes me next week.”

                “Are you okay?” 

                “Yeah, just a checkup.”  Amethyst glanced over as an employee put a bunch of dresses on the rack.  She looked through them and pulled out one that was purple – the chiffon fabric draped over the chest area and it was long enough that it would probably cover her knees.  She wasn’t sure it would fit, but she would try it on anyway.  “What tags are on sale today?” 

                “All blue tags are two dollars.”  The employee smiled at her and walked off. 

                Amethyst checked the tag – damn, it was a black one, meaning this was one of the more expensive options.  She didn’t come to a thrift store to spend twenty-five bucks on a dress.  She located a dress with a blue tag that she knew wouldn’t fit.  In time she and Peridot and chose a few more dresses and went into separate dressing rooms.  Amethyst tried on the sleeveless purple dress first and knew she’d found the one.  It hugged her curves, making her breasts look full with just enough cleavage showing to be sexy but not slutty.  ‘ _Girls your age don’t need to be sexy_ ,’ she could hear her mom say.  But she was sixteen now – more woman than girl and she wanted her clothes to reflect that. 

But twenty five dollars was about all she had.  Once she took the dress off, she carefully removed the tag from the plastic bit holding it to the dress and switched it with the blue one from the dress she never planned to try on.  She exited the dressing room and saw Peridot had chosen a mint green dress that would look great with her blonde hair.  “Let’s go look at jewelry.”

                The jewelry counter was nearly deserted as they poked through the displays of necklaces.  She found a purple beaded necklace with a teardrop piece of amethyst in the center of it.  It was marked at ten dollars, which caused her to roll her eyes.  She looked around then knocked the display over, making it look accidental.  “Oops!”

                Peridot came to help and Amethyst started putting everything on the display, slyly concealing the necklace in her hand, holding it a moment, placing a few more pieces of jewelry on the holder before sliding the necklace into her shoe.  An employee came over and helped them put everything back on the display and place it on the counter.  Amethyst gave her as sheepish a grin as she could muster.  “Sorry about that.” 

                The salesgirl sighed as though it happened all the time.  “No problem.”

                After they’d purchased their items, they headed over to the mall to their favorite burger place, ordering shakes and fries.  Over in the corner, she noticed Seth and his friends were there.  Her crush on him had definitely waned since Halloween.  However, his comments on her weight had stopped lately.  She dipped a fry in her milkshake and ate it. 

                “Hey, Ames…how did you get that dress for two dollars?” Peridot asked. 

                “Heh…found my own way to discount.”  She noticed her friend’s confused expression.  “You know it’s pretty easy to switch the tags.  I find something I like and if it’s not on sale, I switch it with a tag color that is.” 

                “Ames, that’s _stealing_!”  Peridot hissed. 

                “Okay, but it’s a thrift store and the way I see it, they’re robbing me by charging twenty five dollars for a dress that was donated to them.  Like, the person who owned the dress could have just given it to me, you know.”

                “I still don’t think it’s right.” 

                “So, what the hell – you gonna rat on me or something?” 

                Peridot’s cheeks blushed pink with embarrassment.  “I…just don’t think you should do it again.”  Her voice dropped more.  “And you don’t need to get snippy.”

                “I’m not trying to be snippy, I’m just tired.  Sorry.”  Amethyst sucked back her milkshake and moved her foot against the necklace still in her shoe.  She knew it wasn’t about the dress or the necklace.  She could have put them on hold and had her mom come with her to buy them later.  It was about control…control over how much she did or didn’t spend…like the control she’d feel later when she went to the bathroom to get rid of the food she’d just eaten.

*

                “She’s been tired lately, but otherwise, I think she’s fine,” Amethyst’s mom told the doctor at her appointment. 

                Amethyst rolled her eyes.  “Yeah, ‘cause I have to get up at six in the morning to go to school.  Why can’t school start at a decent hour, like…noon?”

                Dr. Shaw looked at her chart.  “Looks like you’ve dropped some weight since I saw you last – eating better, exercising?” 

                She laughed.  “Heh, yeah right – I don’t exercise outside of P.E. but, yeah, I’ve been eating less.  I switched to diet soda.” 

                “It’s better than regular, but soda isn’t good for you, I’m sure you know.  If you’re trying to lose weight, exercise wouldn’t be a bad idea.  It doesn’t have to be strenuous, even walking a few times a week can help,” the doctor explained. 

                “The only place I’m not losing it is in my boobs,” Amethyst complained. 

                Her doctor chuckled.  “Well, breasts are mostly mammary tissue, not fat.  You may lose some, but probably not a lot. When you’re a little older, we can discuss a surgical approach, but not until you’ve finished growing.”  She felt the glands in Amethyst’s neck and looked in her mouth.  “How much soda are you drinking?” 

                She shrugged.  “Like…five or six cans a day.”

                “Amethyst!”  Penina snapped.

                “Soda is very acidic – even diet – and it looks like it’s causing some changes to the enamel on your teeth.  I’d definitely recommend cutting down.”  Dr. Shaw looked over at Penina.  “I’d like to ask Amethyst a few questions privately.” 

                This had been routine ever since a few years ago when Amethyst had become a teenager.  As soon as the door closed, she looked at the doctor.  “I’m not having sex and I’m not doing drugs.”

                “I believe you.  In addition to what I noticed on your teeth, your throat appears irritated and the glands by your jaw are a little swollen.  Usually when that happens it’s from repeated vomiting, so I have to ask if you’ve been sick lately or if maybe you’re making yourself throw up.” 

                This bitch.  Well, Amethyst wasn’t done losing weight and she wasn’t about to have control over what she ate wrestled from her.  The doctor would no doubt tell her mom and her mom would make her stop. “I had the flu in December.” 

                “That was almost four months ago – this would have resolved by now.” 

                “Can anything else cause it?” 

                “It could be a simple virus or a by-product of mouth breathing, but usually all these things combined with the weight you’ve lost point to a more serious problem…especially in teenage girls.” 

                “I drool when I sleep.”  Amethyst shrugged.  “So I’m probably doing that.”

                Dr. Shaw nodded.  “It could be, but if there’s anything you ever want to talk about or need help with, you can always contact me.” 

                “Yeah, okay.”  Why was it all of a sudden a problem?  Jasper had been doing it, maybe for years and she was fine.  Amethyst would be okay too, wouldn’t she? 

                She looked up at the doctor briefly as if to ask: wouldn’t she? 

*

                Music resounded through the gym as Amethyst entered the dance with Peridot.  She walked confidently, feeling tall in her three inch heels and sexy in her new dress.  She’d done her eye makeup to have a smoky effect and put on fake lashes, which took several tries but looked amazing.  Her mom had insisted she wear a shawl over her dress, but as soon as Amethyst walked through the double doors, it came off and she threw it over a chair at one of the tables.  She looked at her friend – geez, Peridot looked like a little kid in her demure green dress and no makeup.  Her mom had attempted to curl her hair, but it was already coming undone.  “You dancing?” 

                Peridot shook her head, causing her hair to straighten out more and start defying gravity.  “I think I’ll just sit it out for now.” 

                “Okay, well, I’m gonna have fun.”  Amethyst shuffled onto the dance floor and found two twins from her math class she sometimes chatted with.  “Hey, Kiki, Jenny – you both look good.”

                “Hey, girl – you look fabulous!”  Jenny smiled at her.  “Did you get that dress from that bridal shop in the mall?” 

                “Well, I…yeah.”  Amethyst smoothed down the front of the dress.  “It was expensive.” 

                “Definitely worth it.  You want to come by the pizza place later with us?  We’re all going as a group,” Kiki told her.  “Peridot can come too.”

                “Sounds great.  I’ll have to…”  _Don’t say ‘ask my parents’_ , she told herself.  _You’re not a baby._   “I’ll have to save my appetite then.” 

                “For sure – can you believe they charge like a dollar for a pack of crackers?”  Jenny shook her head.  “I thought high school dances would have free, decent food.”

                “I’ve heard they only do free food at prom,” Kiki said.  “And even then it’s like pretzels, nothing fancy.”

                “I can’t wait for prom – and senior year,” Amethyst told them loudly over the music.  “It’s going to be so much fun!”  She bent her knees and gyrated her butt to the rhythm.  Dancing gave her some freedom – an escape from her otherwise mundane life.  The motion and music took her away from her mom’s condescending voice and the pressures of school.  After hours of dancing when the lights came on, she didn’t want to stop having fun.  “We still doing pizza, girls?” 

                “Yeah, definitely.  You comin’ too, Per?”  Kiki asked. 

                Peridot shuffled her feet nervously.  “My mom’s coming to pick us up…Amethyst too.” 

                Amethyst shrugged.  “Just tell her I went with the twins – tell my parents too – and let them know I’ll be home when I’m home.”

                “Your mom is going to be pissed.” 

                “She’ll get over it.  See you Monday.”  Maybe Peridot had a compulsive need to be a good girl, but Amethyst was willing to live her life.  She left with the twins and got into their car.  It was an old clunker, but she was still in awe that they had their own car. 

As they drove the few miles to Fish Stew Pizza, Amethyst reflected on how this time next year she’d probably have a license…maybe even a car.  She unbuckled her belt as they rolled into the parking lot and she noticed it was pretty full.  An old, blue car with a bumper sticker that said ‘I know, officer, license and registration’ and a window decal of a dumbbell stood out to her.  Of course, when she was all made up and looking so fly, her perfect sister was going to be in the same restaurant.

                Thankfully, the place was big enough that she wasn’t even sure where Jasper was, but guessed probably in the bar area where music mixed with talking and laughter escaped from the entrance.  The clattering of billiard balls followed along with the ping of a pinball machine. 

                Kofi came to take their order.  “This is the last time both of you get the night off at the same time.  We got slammed with a huge party of soldiers celebrating a birthday.” 

                “Thanks, Dad,” Kiki said sweetly.  She ordered a large pizza and a pitcher of soda for all of them.  “So, Ames, you ready for our test on Monday?” 

                “God, no.  I’m barely passing.  Like when am I ever going to use geometry?”

                “You said it, girl.  My counselor is like: ‘what are you doing after high school’?  Right now, I’m just focused on my band,” Jenny told her.  “Maybe we’ll get famous some day.” 

                Kiki poured herself a glass of soda when it came.  “I’m hoping for a track scholarship.  Have you ever considered sports, Ames?” 

                Amethyst laughed and shook her head.  “Yeah, right.  If I run my boobs will bounce up and knock me out.”  This caused a round of laughter from her friends.  “But seriously, I don’t think there’s a sports bra made that can hold these when I run.”

                They ate the first pizza and then ordered a second one to munch on.  “So, how do you girls stay so skinny working in a pizza place?” Amethyst asked. 

                “You get sick of pizza,” Kiki told her with a giggle.  “But, as I said, I like running.” 

                There was a commotion from across the restaurant – yelling and the sound of a body hitting the floor.  “You touch her again, I’ll put your lights out!” 

                Amethyst turned her head and saw a man pull himself up off the floor.  “You’ll pay for that!” he spat back. 

                Matt came from the entrance.  “I think you’d better leave, now.” 

                She quickly turned back around as Kiki and Jenny’s grandmother told both men to get out and stop causing trouble.  The sound of the bell over the door ringing indicated they’d left.  The next thing she heard was the sound of boots hurriedly following. 

                “Hey, Tiger, you okay?” 

                “Yeah, fine,” Jasper’s voice snapped. 

                “Are you mad at McCoy or Matua?” 

                “Right now – both.  See you later, Moritz.”  There was a whisper of fabric – likely from her jacket and then the bell rang again and the door shut. 

                Amethyst glanced out the window to see her sister yelling at her boyfriend.  Oh no, were they breaking up?  Matt put a hand to her shoulder only for her to pull away and yell again.  To her surprise, he reached for her and hugged her, Jasper’s face to his shoulder and she shook.  Holy shit…was she…she was…her sister was actually crying.  Matt turned, putting an arm around her and they walked off toward the car.

                “Wow, what was that about?”  Jenny asked. 

                Nanefua came over with a fresh pitcher of soda.  “I don’t know, but they don’t need to start that in my restaurant.”

                “Thanks, Gunga,” the twins said in unison. 

                Amethyst thanked her too and poured another glass, finishing it and two more slices of pizza before she excused herself to go to the bathroom.  After forcing the food out of her, she looked in the toilet and concern crossed her mind as she saw something red floating on top.  Then she calmed herself by remembering that she just ate pizza.  She flushed the toilet.  It was tomato sauce, of course.  She rinsed her mouth out and looked in the mirror, poking under her jaw where the doctor had felt her glands.  She frowned at her round face then pinched the fat still on her stomach. 

                ‘ _You have a long way to go_ ,’ her mom’s voice echoed in her head.

                Her mind conjured up an image of Jasper in her perfectly fitted jeans and red top.  Unfortunately, her mom was right…she had a long way to go if she ever wanted to be like her sister.

*

Jasper

                “You look so different out of uniform,” Nancy Carter said when she saw Jasper at the restaurant.  She dropped her voice.  “No wonder Matua took notice.  He’s quite a catch, huh?” 

                Jasper took a sip of her beer.  “Yeah, I uh…I had to take him off the market before every other Samoan girl looked his way.” 

                “It’s not just the Samoans who are looking, honey.”  The two shared a laugh before Nancy continued.  “Does he have brothers?” 

                “Two – and one sister.  They’re all older, all married.” 

                “You think you’ll be the lucky one to marry him?” 

                “We’re just dating now – nothing serious.  Just having fun.”  He had asked her if she wanted children though.  That wasn’t a topic she’d discussed with anyone else she’d dated.  She looked up at him and smiled when he winked at her.  “But we’re doing good.” 

                “That’s good,” Carter said.  “You know, you seemed really distracted when you came back.  I’m glad you’re doing better.” 

                “Yeah.”  Her eyes flickered toward the entrance as Sergeant McCoy came in with a few other men and greeted some of the soldiers.  His eyes caught hers and he gave her a smug look as he scanned her body.  Her heart pounded and she took some deep breaths trying to calm her stomach as she remembered how he’d touched her.  She may have been able to admit what he’d done, but actually moving on was going to take much longer. 

                Matt came up alongside her, unfolding a menu.  “What’s good here?  Some of these look…interesting.”

                Jasper was thankful for his presence – a welcome distraction from the dark thoughts in her mind.  “The salty orchard.”

                “They put apples on pizza?” 

                “Don’t knock it till you try it.”

                “And honey?” 

                “And prosciutto – I know you like pork, so tell you what: if you don’t like it then you get to choose the next place we go to eat.” 

                Matt laughed.  “I didn’t choose this. It’s Grant’s birthday; he got to pick.  I’ll trust you though – salty orchard it is.”

                She relaxed a bit as they sat in a booth with Carter and Moritz, chatting while they ate.  Jasper had missed this place and she savored the piece of pizza, which was a harmonious medley of the saltiness of the prosciutto, the sweetness of honey, tart apple slices and earthy basil topping it off.  “Good, right?” 

                “It’s good – definitely different, though.”  Matt took another bite.

                She noticed that Sergeant McCoy was sitting across the bar area, which helped her keep her eyes off him and focused on her boyfriend and her friends.  Half a pizza and two beers later, she and Matt squared off at the pool table.  “I’m not going easy on you.” 

                “Oh, but I was pretty good at this when I lived in Germany.” 

                They played a few rounds and had just started another when Jasper felt an unmistakable slap on her butt and knew who it was before she even looked.  She slammed the cue on the table and turned to face her sergeant.  “Do you mind?!” 

                “You stuck it out there, Tiger,” his speech was slurred.  “How am I supposed to resist that?”

                “The same way I resist kicking you in the dick every time I see you!” 

                Another soldier took him by the arm.  “C’mon, Sarge, just leave her alone.  Sorry, Palamo, he had a lot of beer.”

                “That doesn’t excuse it,” Matt told him as he marched over.  He stared down Sergeant McCoy.  “You know we’re dating and no one touches my girlfriend’s ass, got it?”

                “From what I remember, a lot of guys were touching her ass on deployment,” her sergeant said. 

                “Yeah, well, now she’s mine.” 

                “Excuse me?”  Jasper’s anger rose at that statement.  “I don’t b…”

                “Have fun with her – just get tested for everything.  She’s a slut.” 

                Matt shoved him, hard, sending him sliding out of the bar entrance.  “You touch her again, I’ll put your lights out!” 

                Sergeant McCoy pulled himself up off the floor slowly.  “You’ll pay for that!” he spat back. 

                Matt marched out, his eyes burning with anger and his tone commanding.  “I think you’d better leave, now.” 

                An elderly lady came over and yelled at them.  “Go away – get out!  This is a family place, not that kind of bar!”  She stayed as she watched both Matt and the sergeant walk out of the restaurant.

                Jasper grabbed her purse, plopped some money on the table and shook her head after gulping down the rest of her beer.  Then, she stalked out.

                Moritz quickly followed.  “Hey, Tiger, you okay?”

                “Yeah, fine!” 

                “Are you mad at McCoy or Matua?” 

                “Right now – both.  See you later, Moritz.”  She pulled her jacket on and stormed out into the parking lot.  A car was pulling away, likely Sergeant McCoy and whoever he came with.  “What the actual fuck?” 

                “You’re mad at me?” 

                “Oh, I’m sorry, is that a problem since I’m yours?  Like I belong to you?” 

                “I didn’t mean it like that, okay.  I just…” he put a hand on her shoulder.  “…I didn’t like him treating you that way.” 

                Jasper stepped back.  “And I don’t like being treated like property!”

                “I’m sorry.”  He hugged her gently.  “He’s just a jerk.” 

                He had touched her again even if slightly and thinking about it made chills run up her spine.  Those thoughts and memories that usually stayed buried came hurtling forward to her consciousness.  She clenched her teeth together trying to keep the tears at bay, but they took over her eyes anyway.  “He really hurt me, Matt…”  Jasper sniffled and started sobbing.  “You don’t even know…”

                “Come on.”  He put his arm around her and guided her toward the car.  “I’ll drive, okay?” 

                Jasper nodded and handed him the keys after getting into the passenger seat.  She stayed silent for several moments.  Her therapist knew…and Lacy…and that was it.  What would Matt think of her if he knew? 

                “I may already know the answer, but you want to tell me what he did?” 

                “First of all, he was right – I was acting like a slut.  Men on deployment get horny and I made myself available to those guys – not all of them.  I didn’t sleep with married men and kept it to some close friends.  Also, disregard his comment about diseases – I used a condom, every time.” 

                Matt’s mouth twisted up as though he didn’t like hearing this, but he nodded.  “Go on.” 

                “Sergeant McCoy asked to sleep with me and I said no.  So, that night he came in my room and…”  _Say it_ , she told herself.  _Admit it to someone else.  You promised you wouldn’t gloss over what it was._   

                “I think I know.” 

                “He raped me.”

                Her boyfriend was silent for what seemed like a long time before he took a deep breath and let it out slowly.  “Okay, I want to kill him.”

                “Get in line behind me.” 

                “Wait, so when you were pregnant, that was…”

                “Uh-huh.”

                Matt’s hand gripped the steering wheel so hard his knuckles turned white.  “Wow…I just…you probably weren’t too sad when you miscarried.”

                Jasper wiped her tears away.  Maybe she should fess up about that too, but telling him about the rape was probably enough news for tonight.  She simply nodded.

                “Did you report it?” 

                “Pffft, of course not and don’t try to talk me into doing it because it’s my word against his and won’t lead to anything other than me becoming a pariah on base and facing the scorn of soldiers who are loyal to him and would call me out on being a slut.”

                “Well, if I’m honest, I’m disappointed to hear about that, but it doesn’t seem like you’re doing it now.” 

                “No.  I mean, we haven’t even slept together.” 

                “How would you feel about that?  Sorry, that’s really insensitive to ask about that after what you just told me…ignore that.” 

                “It’s fine.   Yes, I would like to someday.”  Jasper took his hand when he offered it. 

                “I’ll make it special for you.”  He squeezed her hand before turning the key and starting the car.  “You’re seeing someone for this, right?” 

                “Yeah, I’m in therapy.  I don’t necessarily want revenge.  I mean if he were gored by a bull tomorrow I wouldn’t be sad, but I just want to put it behind me and go on with my life.  So, the counseling is helping me do that.”

                “You can always talk to me, too.” 

                Jasper smiled at him.  “Thanks.”  She wasn’t sure she really would.  Knowing the full story wouldn’t help their relationship, but at least he knew why she hated Sergeant McCoy.  “And in the interest of peace, on base, don’t do or say anything to him.  I don’t want anyone to know about this.  He knows what he did; I trust karma or the punishment of God or whatever will prevail and he’ll get his eventually.”

                He nodded, keeping his eyes on the road.  The drive back was silent as Jasper watched the rain patter against the windshield.  What else was there to say?  She’d spilled her darkest secret to her boyfriend and he was still with her.  Even knowing that she’d willingly been with multiple men and it had lead to her being raped, he was still here. 

                _No_ , she told herself.  _Stop it.  McCoy is to blame, not me._  

                It still felt false.  She could still see everything she’d done – no matter how small – that had caused him to attack her.  Maybe it just took more time.  She looked over at Matt as they pulled into the parking lot.  He smiled gently at her and she gave a weak smile in return.  Maybe it also took a support system and in that moment, she was glad he was a part of hers. 


	9. In the Open

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise I'm still working on this - October was hectic, but hopefully over the next couple of months I'll get the rest pumped out - I hope you're all still enjoying this. :)

 

**Chapter 9 - In the Open  
**

_May 2006_

Amethyst

                The sun was shining and she could tell it would be an unusually warm day, so Amethyst put on the purple shirt with the black mesh.  It was still strained in the chest, but fit perfectly in her belly.  She did her makeup and turned in the mirror.  Still had a ways to go, but damn was she starting to look fine.  She slid a long sleeved top on over the shirt, knowing her mom wouldn’t approve of it and headed downstairs.  Her father was at the table drinking coffee and eating a bagel.  Amethyst looked around.  “Where’s Mom?” 

                “Your mother had an early shift and will probably be late coming home.  She called to say that Jasper’s friend is having a baby and requested her to be there.” 

                “Who?  Lacy?” 

                Fetuao chuckled.  “Well, it certainly isn’t Matt.  You should eat something, Peanut.” 

                 She felt ravenous, but poured a modest bowl of cereal and ate slowly hoping to calm her growling stomach. 

                “Look, I know your mom is on you a lot about your weight, so I don’t like to make any comments.  I just want to say I’ve seen you really trying these past few months and I’m proud you’re doing something positive for your health.”  He cleared his throat.  “There was an article in the paper though about girls who take it too far – starving themselves and such.  I just want to make sure you’re doing this thing right.  You know, it’s good to eat healthy, just make sure you’re eating enough, okay, Peanut?” 

                Amethyst laughed.  “Trust me, Dad, I love food _way_ too much to starve myself.  I just want to look prettier…perfect…like Jasper.” 

                Fetuao folded his newspaper and looked squarely at her.  “Amethyst, neither you nor your sister are perfect, but both my girls are beautiful in their own way.  Weight doesn’t make you ugly or beautiful – it’s your heart and your _mana_ – your spirit.  You let that shine, Ames, and everyone will see every beautiful thing about you.”

                She finished drinking the fruit-flavored milk from the bowl, wiping the drip from her chin with the back of her hand.  “Thanks, Dad.”  She glanced at the clock.  “I should get going.”

                “Have a good day at school.” 

                Amethyst grabbed her backpack and met Peridot at the end of the driveway.  “Does your dad ever try to have awkward parent talks with you?” 

                “Uh…no.” 

                “My dad was trying to boost my self-esteem or whatever.” 

                Peridot shrugged.  “I know my dad loves me, but he mostly pays attention to the news on TV or whatever western novel he’s reading.  My mom’s idea of boosting my self-esteem is to tell me to do something about my hair and that maybe I should try contacts and different clothes…you know, so I can be some graceful waif like Pearl.  You know, instead of the weird little nerd I am.”

                Amethyst shook her head.  “I’m pretty sure my mom loves me, but she needs to get off me about my weight.  I mean, she’s fat, too.”  She stopped, plunked her backpack on the ground and removed the long sleeved shirt.  “I have to run the stupid mile in P.E. today.  Maybe I can just say I’m on my period.” 

                “You’ll get no sympathy from Ms. Wheaton.  She’ll make you do it anyway.  You’d have to show up in a full body cast.” 

                “Hey, do you believe all those, you know, rumors…that she’s dating Ms. Garcia?” 

                Another shrug from her friend.  “I don’t know.  And who cares if they are?  Mr. and Mrs. Tellman are married and they both work at the school.  I haven’t heard anyone complain about that.” 

                “Yeah but Mrs. Tellman isn’t a lesbian.” 

                Peridot scoffed.  “Okay, and?” 

                “I mean, Ms. Wheaton is probably a lesbian and she’s in the locker room with girls changing.” 

                “Right and lesbian and pedophile are not synonyms.  I’ve never even noticed her looking at us, much less doing anything to anyone.”

                 “I guess I haven’t either.” 

                “And is being gay really the worst thing someone can be?  I don’t see anything wrong with it.”

                “There’s not…I just…I mean everyone thinks that being gay is…well, kinda gay…I mean…” 

                Anger crossed Peridot’s face, which was unusual for her.  “There is nothing wrong with being gay, despite what the narrow-minded kids at school think.  Maybe instead of listening to their crap, you could learn to think for yourself.” 

                Amethyst felt her brows knit together in agitation.  “I do think for myself.” 

                “Really?  You really have a problem with gay people?”  Peridot asked as they walked up the steps of the school. 

                “Of course I don’t!  I mean…I don’t think I do.  I don’t know anyone who’s gay.”  Amethyst pulled open the door and entered the main hall of the school. 

                “When I did my report it said ten percent of the population is gay, so I assure you, you do.”

                Nobody she could think of.  But then, being out in high school was practically asking to be bullied.  She looked around at the class and wondered who might be.  Then Amethyst shook her head.  Their teacher began discussing the book they were reading and Amethyst looked over her report, her heart skipping oddly in her chest.  It was weird because she didn’t have anxiety…she didn’t even feel nervous.   She took a couple of deep breaths and the fluttering sensation went away.

                It came back though…in her next class and then in the one before P.E.  She considered maybe she shouldn’t run, but it was just jitters, right?  She’d get even more, if she didn’t run, she realized once in the locker room, pulling on her t-shirt.  She could just imagine what might be said if she went to the school nurse to tell her she didn’t feel well.  Oh sure, fat-ass Amethyst just didn’t want to run the mile. _I mean, I don’t,_ she thought.  _But I will because I’m gonna show them I can at least finish it._

                She’d probably take all of class doing it, but she’d finish the mile.  Amethyst sighed as she closed the locker and made her way out to the track where most of the class had gathered.  The only person she knew in class was Kiki, so she stood beside her as they stretched.  “You can probably do this pretty quick, huh?”

                “Last week I ran it in 14:53 – I’m hoping to beat that today.”  Kiki gave her a smile.  “How about you?” 

                “Oh, you know, just hoping to finish within class time.” 

                “Class is an hour.” 

                “Yeeeeaaah…”

                “You okay?  You seem a little tired.” 

                Amethyst was going to give her some excuse about staying up late to finish homework, but Ms. Wheaton told the students to go to the starting line.  Amethyst felt the fluttering in her chest again and breathed deeply.  As much as she hated it, maybe she should start exercising.  Not as much as Jasper, but as the doctor suggested, walking probably wouldn’t hurt anything.  She knew Jasper didn’t talk about the throwing up part of it, but she’d have to ask if the heart skipping was normal. 

A whistle barked – short and loud – from the side and the stomping of feet surrounded her.  Amethyst groaned and started jogging.   Kiki had sprinted well ahead of her and most of the class.  Amethyst took another deep breath and ran harder, her heart protesting, thudding angrily beneath her ribs.  She made it one lap around, stopping briefly, huffing and puffing.  

“Come on, Palamo, get the lead out!”  Ms. Wheaton shouted.  “You can do it!”

She sprinted ahead, away from her teacher.  Her boobs jiggled uncomfortably and she slowed down as her heart pounded so hard and skipped to the point where it hurt.  She put a hand to her chest and stopped again. 

Kiki skidded to a halt beside her, likely on her fourth time around the track.  “Ames, you okay?” 

Amethyst nodded, unable to say anything as she struggled to catch her breath.  She sprinted again only for her heart to protest by sending a burst of pain through her chest and down her arm.  Whether she’d tripped or not, she wasn’t sure, but all of a sudden she saw the track coming towards her fast as she fell. 

She never remembered hitting the ground.

*

Jasper

                Jasper sat beside Lacy’s hospital bed as her friend controlled her breathing and let out another low moan during a contraction.  She reached over and squeezed Lacy’s hand.  “You’re doing great.”

                “I thought you just like came to the hospital and popped the baby out.”  Lacy accepted the cup of ice chips from Carlos and put one in her mouth.  “You know, like on TV.  I pop it out and then get to eat a cheeseburger or something.”

                Penina laughed as she made a note in the chart.  “Nope.  First babies take a while and you’re only at five centimeters.  

“And I have to be at ten, right?” 

“Yep.  Are you thinking about having an epidural?” 

                Lacy shook her head.  “Not yet.  It’s uncomfortable, but not unbearable.” 

                Jasper’s mom smiled.  “I’ll tell you I’ve helped deliver thousands of babies and when my time came I thought I was so prepared.  You’re never really prepared, but you are because your body is made for this.  Plus, you have support.  When I lived in Samoa and a woman was having a baby, multiple women in the village would help her – talk, tell stories, sing, squeeze her hand or rub her back – and it helped to have those people there who loved her.” 

                Lacy looked at her husband.  “You know any stories?” 

                “Uh…I can make one up.”  Carlos cleared his throat.  “So one time, there was this dude named Carlos and he was married to this smoking hot woman named Lacy…”

                Jasper raised an eyebrow, but her friend simply laughed and told her husband to keep going.

                “And one day they won the lottery…”

                “I like where this is going…” Lacy said.

                Penina placed the chart back in its holder and laughed lightly.  “I’ll be back to check on you soon.”

                Once she’d left, Carlos continued his story, which involved Jasper getting some of the money and them living next to each other in mansions.  “Also, I bought myself a Lamborghini because I deserve it…” 

                “Where is the car seat going to go?” Lacy asked.

                “No, that’s the beauty of it because you have a really cool minivan for all the child stuff and I get to drive my awesome car.” 

                “‘Cool’ and ‘minivan’ don’t ever belong in the same sentence,” Jasper told him.  

                Lacy put a hand on her stomach and her face contorted in pain as she tried to breathe through the contraction.  She rubbed her belly once it was over.  “Jasper, do you know one of your mother’s stories?” 

                “Yeah.”  She thought for a moment and remembered the story Matt had asked her about.  “Once there was a girl named Sina who had a pet eel and as she grew, so did the eel.  By the time she was a young woman, the eel was so big she put him in a freshwater spring where she often went to bathe.  Over time, he fell in love with her and tried to embrace her, but this made her angry and afraid.  She could no longer go to the spring or the eel would stare at her.  ‘You gaze at me with eyes like a demon,’ she cried. 

                “The village chiefs killed the eel, but before he died, he asked Sina to bury his head in Taumeasina.  She did so and when she returned to that place months later, she found the first coconut tree had grown in that spot.  She harvested the fruit and noticed that it had three holes resembling two eyes and a mouth, which can be easily pierced to drink the water.  Every time she drank from a coconut, she would be kissing the eel who loved her so much.”

                “That’s…an interesting story.” 

                Jasper shrugged.  “Not that different from a princess kissing a frog…definitely better than girls cutting off chunks of their feet to fit in some shoes.  I mean, European fairy tales are dark as fuck.”

                Penina returned an hour later to check on Lacy.  “You’re at seven centimeters.  If you want an epidural, I should put the order in now because it can take the anesthesiologist a little while sometimes.” 

                “Should I?  Did you have one?” 

                “I opted not to.  Jasper came so quickly there wasn’t time and I thought I could tough it out with Amethyst…should have had it with her.  She was almost nine pounds.”

                Lacy breathed her way through another contraction.  “It’s not so bad.  The OB said he’s probably around seven pounds.” 

                “It’s up to you but if you wait too long you can’t have it.”

                Lacy lay there as silence surrounded them for a few moments aside from the gentle whoosh of the machine keeping track of her baby’s heartbeat.  “I can take the pain.  Women do this all the time.” 

                “Well, yeah, Lace, they do but we also have all this technology to help,” Carlos told her.  He stroked her hair.   “I know you’re tough, but you don’t have to be in pain if you don’t want to.”

                “I want to experience everything.”  Lacy grabbed his hand and squeezed. 

                Another nurse poked her head in the room.  “Nina, they need you down in emergency.” 

                “Okay.”  Penina slid the chart back in its holder.

                “Don’t you work up here?”  Jasper asked. 

                “Sometimes they have deliveries in the ER that aren’t going to wait long enough to come up here.  I’ll be back soon, Lacy, but if you need anything Andrea will help you out.”  She smiled and walked out the door.

                Her mother didn’t return as Lacy’s labor progressed and four hours later, the doctor came in to help her deliver.  Jasper kept a hand on her shoulder and gave her free one to Lacy to squeeze.  She had seen people in pain…heard screaming in battle.  She glanced over at her friend’s left side where a nurse was helping hold her stump to the side.  Jasper had seen people maimed…and shot…she’d seen them die. 

                Lacy’s scream erupted through the air as the doctor told her to push.  “Here comes his head – you’re doing great!” 

                “Get him out!”  Lacy took a gulp of air and groaned as she squeezed Jasper’s hand with all she had.  She gritted her teeth and released a short yelp before laying back and breathing heavily. 

                It was almost a surreal experience as the doctor held up the crying baby.  Her eyes crinkled above her mask indicating a huge smile.  “It’s a boy!” 

                And as he was placed on Lacy’s bare stomach, Jasper was in absolute awe at what her friend had managed.  Through all the pain, she’d brought an entire person into the world.  He hadn’t been here yesterday or even minutes ago and now here he was…small and perfect with ten fingers and ten toes that Carlos counted before the doctor let him cut the umbilical cord.  And it wasn’t just the birth of a baby, but of a mother, she realized as Lacy gathered her son in her arms and kissed his forehead.  “Hi, Kyle…look, Jasper, isn’t he beautiful?” 

                “Huh…oh…I mean…”  Actually, he looked pretty wrinkled and she noticed his head as a nurse when to put a cap on it.  It was almost misshapen like cone.  “Is his head supposed to look like that?” 

                “Jasps!” 

                “No, I was wondering too,” Carlos said.

                The doctor laughed.  “It’s normal and it will round out.”

                Jasper stepped back while the new parents took turns holding their baby once he’d been cleaned and wrapped in a blanket.  She watched as Lacy kissed Kyle’s forehead and rocked him gently.   Then her eyes caught Jasper’s.  “You want to hold him?”

                “Uh…sure.”   She had very little experience holding babies and had never been around one so little.  The doctor had said Kyle was close to seven and a half pounds, but as Lacy placed him in Jasper’s arms, he felt so much lighter.  His eyes fluttered slightly and he moved a little before settling down.  Jasper sat in a chair then dared not move.

                “What do you think?” 

                “I think he’s gonna break in my arms or something.”  She studied his tiny face trying to find some resemblance of either Lacy or Carlos, but the baby still looked very wrinkled, his face scrunched as though he’d sucked on a lemon. 

                “We haven’t thought of a middle name.  We were hoping his Auntie Jasper would have some ideas.”  Lacy smiled at her. 

                “My mom would appreciate it if…uh…if it were a biblical name,” Carlos added.

                “Um…okay…how about…uh…”  Why was it so hard to think of a name?  “Give me a minute…Jesus…” 

                “Jesus?” Lacy asked. 

                “I didn’t mean it like…”

                “Hay-soos?”  Carlos pronounced it.  “That’s actually very common where Mom’s from.  She’d like it.” 

                “Hey…sure….soos…Jesus, yeah,” Jasper said. 

                “Kyle Jesus?” Lacy’s voice held disbelief. 

                “Kyle Hay-soos,” Carlos corrected, tapping her nose.

                “Okay, but I get to name the next one.” 

                She was going to go through it again?  Jasper looked back down at Kyle.  Okay, maybe his face wasn’t so scrunched…maybe he was cute in his own way.  She took a deep breath.  She would have been due in two weeks…she would have been close to holding her own baby.  _No_ , she corrected herself, _not just mine – also Sergeant McCoy’s…my rapist’s baby…that asshole._ She wouldn’t be getting ready to hold it, but to give it away.  She closed her eyes and took a few more cleansing breaths.  She had made a decision.  She had to stick by it.

                A nurse came in and approached her.  “Are you Penina’s daughter?” 

                “I’m one of ‘em.”

                “When you have a minute, she’s in the pediatric unit.  She says it’s urgent, but she didn’t want to say anything until you were done here.” 

                “Okay.”  Jasper gently handed Kyle off to Carlos and gave Lacy a hug before leaving.  Before heading to the elevator, she leaned her back against a wall and let it sink in again.  Her friend had a baby...a whole person.  Her mom had said it was urgent, but her first thought was to call Matt and tell him what a miraculous experience it all had been.  She wanted that – a baby – not now, but in the future sometime.  Deep down, she wanted to know what it was like to carry life inside her, feel it move and bring it into the world.  Maybe someday Matt would help her with that.  Jasper smiled thinking about it…what it would be like to make love to him…for that love to be made into a tangible being.  What was this feeling it gave her?  Giddiness?  Is that what it was when her stomach felt like it was made of butterflies and her head was filled with clouds?  No one had ever made her feel that before…or made her smile quite like he did.

                “Jasper!” 

                She turned toward the voice and saw her father making his way down the hall.  “Dad?”  She met him halfway.  “What are you doing here?” 

                Fetuao put an arm around her shoulders.  “Your sister was brought to the emergency room earlier.” 

                “What happened?  Did she get hurt at school?” 

                “It was something with her heart…an irregular rhythm.  She passed out in gym class.”

                “How the fuck…she’s sixteen.  That happens when you’re old.”   Jasper walked beside him to the elevator and pressed the button. 

                “They think she might have some sort of eating problem.”

                Jasper shrugged as her eyes flickered to the monitor showing which floor they were on.  “Well, I know she said she’s been trying to lose weight.  She said she’s doing what I’m doing though…maybe she overdid the exercise a bit.  Or restricted her calories but isn’t eating healthy food.”

                The elevator dinged and the doors opened, her father exiting before her.  “The doctor thinks she may be throwing up her food…you know, on purpose…so he wants someone from psychology to talk to her.  Thus far, she’s been silent on the matter.”

*

Amethyst

                Amethyst was pissed.

                Well, at first, she’d been scared when she’d woken up on the track, surrounded by paramedics and the prying eyes of her classmates.  She hurriedly told them she had to get up.  She had a science test later and needed to get her backpack.  Nonetheless, she had been strapped to a gurney and taken away despite her protests that she was fine.

                She was mortified.  Everyone would hear that ‘Pala-moo’ – the fat ass cow – had passed out while running.  She couldn’t imagine the things they’d say.  Perhaps they’d joke that she was allergic to exercise or tripped to get a closer look at the track because she’d never seen it before.  She was going to have to switch schools or be homeschooled. 

                The doctor seemed nice enough in the ER as she explained that Amethyst’s heart wasn’t beating properly.  “It could be congenital or due to a virus.  We’ll know more after we run some tests.  Any chance you could be pregnant?”

                What was it with medical people and that question?  That shouldn’t even be a question.  “No.”

                “We’ll order a test to be sure.” 

                Amethyst groaned and crossed her arms.  “Save my parents the expense.  I’m a virgin.  Guys don’t so much as look at me.”

                She was still in the ER when her mom rushed into the curtained area, relief washing over her face when she saw Amethyst sitting up in bed.  “Are you okay?” 

                “They made a big deal out of nothing.”

                “You didn’t pull some stunt to get out of your test today, did you?”

                “No,” she snapped.  “In fact, I’m ticked because now I have to stay after school to take it instead of just flunking now.  Plus, they actually asked if I was pregnant like I’m a slut or something.”

                Penina shook her head as she fussed with the blanket, pulling it up further.  “It’s a standard question for any girl old enough to be.”

                Amethyst flopped back against the pillow.  “Well, I’m not.”

                “Good.”  Her mother felt her forehead.  “You didn’t seem sick yesterday.”

                “I feel fine.  They said it could be congenital – that means something I was born with, right?” 

                Penina nodded as she grabbed the chart and looked it over. 

                “Mom!  Are you supposed to be doing that?” 

                “You’re a patient and I work here.  You estimated your weight at one-fifty?”  Her mother raised an eyebrow. 

                “I’m optimistic?”  Amethyst shrugged.  “I figure I’ll get there eventually.” 

                “You have that in your bra alone.”

                It wasn’t long before her father arrived.  He kissed her forehead and hugged her.  “Not feeling well, Peanut?” 

                “I feel fine.  I just got dizzy.” 

                “You didn’t just get dizzy,” Penina interjected.  She turned to her husband.  “They think she has a heart problem.  It could be her weight.” 

                “Oh my God…Mom, just stop!  You know, you’re fat too!”

                Penina scowled and put her hands on her hips.  “When I was your age, I was not as fat as you.  I didn’t really gain weight until I had kids.  And you don’t need to say the Lord’s name like that.”

                Thankfully the doctor returned at that moment and introduced herself to Amethyst’s parents.  “Her test results show low potassium and an electrolyte imbalance.”  The doctor smiled at her.  “Can I have you open and say ‘ah’ for me?” 

                Amethyst’s heart skipped a beat.  What if this doctor noticed her teeth just like Dr. Shaw had?  But she couldn’t act like a total child and refuse, so she opened and let the doctor take a look in her mouth. 

                “Amethyst, did you know the enamel on your teeth is wearing down?”  When she shrugged, the doctor looked down at her hand.  “And those calluses by the joints on your hand – how did those happen?”

                She slid her left hand over her right one and shrugged. 

                The doctor plucked the chart from its holder.  “Are you concerned about your weight, Amethyst?” 

                “I know I am,” Penina said.  “She eats and eats and now there’s something wrong with her heart.” 

                “Do you sometimes eat a lot and then make yourself sick?”  The doctor asked.

                Amethyst looked down at her hands and fiddled with a loose thread on the blanket.  She blinked back fresh tears threatening to escape.  They’d make her stop…she knew they would.  It was working so well and she was finally starting to look good. 

                “Amethyst!”  Penina hissed.  “Where on earth did you get an idea to do that?”

                To point fingers would only get Jasper in trouble.  But why shouldn’t she?  Her mom thought her eldest was perfect…if she suddenly wasn’t, then maybe her mom wouldn’t pick on her so much anymore.  “I heard Jasper throwing up in the bathroom.  I think that’s what she was doing.  She likes food too…” 

                “You really think Jasper would be that stupid?” Her mom asked.  “She has to be in top physical form and I’m pretty sure the Army would catch it if she were doing this thing.”  She turned and put her hands on her hips.  “And I can’t believe I didn’t know you were doing it!”

                Well, so much for her mom not getting on her case.  Amethyst crossed her arms and refused to make eye contact with anyone.  She vaguely heard the doctor talking about moving her to another floor and having her talk to a therapist.  She stayed silent as she was transferred and as she lay in her new room waiting for any news. 

                “Jasper’s friend had her baby today,” her mom told her.  “So your sister is here too.”

                _Big whoop_ , Amethyst thought.  Her stomach growled; she’d missed lunch at school.  Her mother’s words echoed in her head about what she’d estimated her weight to be.  She didn’t need to eat.  However, her dad went to the cafeteria and brought her a sandwich, a carton of milk and a Jell-o cup. 

                “Are you sure she needs that?”  Penina asked. 

                Amethyst crossed her arms.  “Fine, I won’t eat it.” 

                “It’s Jell-o.  She’s in the hospital – give her a break.”  Fetuao checked his watch and looked at his wife.  “Which floor is Jasper on?” 

                “Six.  I told another nurse to tell her to come down here.” 

                “I’ll go look for her.”  He left the room. 

                “Great, now your perfect kid can show up,” Amethyst said.

                “Jasper is far from perfect.” 

                “I guess no one’s good enough for you.” 

                “Stop it, Amethyst.  I love you both.  You don’t have to be perfect.”

                Amethyst ripped the top off the Jell-o and shoveled it into her mouth.  “Maybe I’ll just start eating everything and be fat again.” 

                “It would do you good to keep it down!  I can’t believe you thought you had to be perfect to the point where you started doing this!”  Penina put a hand to her forehead.  “And I’m a nurse…and your mother…and I didn’t know…” 

                “Let’s make this about you…by all means.”  She tore open the saran wrap over the sandwich.  “Well, you didn’t have a mom who was constantly on you about your weight and you don’t have a sister who outshines you in everything!  You don’t even have a sister!”

                Her mother grew silent, crossing her arms and nodding.  “You’re right…I don’t.”

                Jasper entered a few minutes later with their father.   “Hey, Ames, how’re you doing?” 

                “Okay, I guess.  Lacy had her baby?” 

                “Uh-huh, a boy.  Dad said something about your heart?  About you throwing up your food or something.”

                “Yeah, I’m fat and crazy, apparently.” 

                “She said she got the idea from you,” Penina said. 

                “What?  Ames!” 

                “I just…I heard you throwing up and I thought you were doing it because you love food…”  Amethyst pushed away her tray with the half-eaten sandwich on it. 

                “When was this?” 

                “Around your birthday…I thought you were doing it to keep your weight down…Mom assumed you were pregnant.” 

                Jasper’s lips pressed together and it was a moment before she answered.  “Well, it wasn’t because of my weight.”

                “I knew it,” Penina said smugly. 

                “Baby Girl, what happened?”  Her father asked.

                Jasper shrugged.  “I was pregnant and then I wasn’t.”  She paused for a second, her brows knitting together in concern, sorrow flashing in her eyes.  “I didn’t say anything because there was no point.”

                “And the father?  It couldn’t have been Matt,” her mom pointed out.

                “No…um…”  She looked at the floor, exhaling.  “Um…it was…he died…that night in the siege.”

                “Oh, Jasper…”  Penina put a hand to her heart.  “Watching Lacy give birth must’ve been so hard.  You’d have to be close yourself.” 

                Her sister nodded.  “I’d be about thirty-eight weeks.” 

                “It’s hard, Jasper, but…”

                Her sister gave another shrug.  “I’ve talked with someone about it and I’ve pretty much moved on.  These things happen and I wasn’t ready, so I’m not exactly heartbroken.”

                Amethyst rolled her eyes and rolled onto her side.  She was the one in the fucking hospital and now the conversation was all about Jasper.  So what if she’d been pregnant?  She was beautiful and dating a hot guy.  They’d probably get married and have two or three kids.  Meanwhile, Amethyst doubted she’d ever have sex, much less children. 

                Jasper didn’t stay long – thankfully – and their father offered to walk her down to her car.  Penina sat down in the chair by Amethyst’s bed.  “I love you, Amethyst and maybe sometimes I don’t show it the way I should.” 

                Amethyst remained silent. 

                “When I was growing up, I was heavy, too.  I know it’s a different society there than it is here.  Here you’re told that thin and blonde is the ‘standard of beauty’ so you want to lose weight and dye your hair…”

                “I want to dye it purple, not blonde.”  Tears threatened to surface again.  “I just don’t understand how we have the same parents and Jasper came out perfect and I came out wrong.”

                “You did not ‘come out wrong’.  You came out like me.”

                “Yeah and when you were growing up you were somewhere where you could still be big and beautiful.  You didn’t have a perfect sister always overshadowing you.”

                Penina looked down at her hands and took a deep breath.  “There was a girl in my village who was very beautiful – tall, curvy – a lot like Jasper actually.  She was the village _taupou…_ ”

                “So she was the main _taualuga_ dancer – big deal.” 

                 “It’s a little different there.  She’s a ceremonial virgin charged with important duties that go beyond dancing, but this _taupou_ in particular was an elegant dancer.  A lot of men in the village wanted her.  Then we got a handsome visitor who was tall and muscular with gentle eyes and a perfect smile.  Everyone thought he’d end up with her.” 

                “And they did…” Amethyst finished bitterly.  “They ended up married and had like ten beautiful kids and live in the paradise that is Samoa forever.  And you ended up here in Rain Central with Dad and now you’re here in a hospital room with me.” 

                Her mother laughed.  “No.  That man was your father.  He chose me.  We were friends and I thought he would be with her, but she…left the village, the island…all of it.  And our friendship grew to more.  Your dad is a good man who saw beyond my weight and my looks.  You know, looks fade – neither of us look like we did back then, but because we fell in love with what’s on the inside, we’re still in love today.” 

                “So two beautiful people like Jasper and Matt have no chance?” 

                “Of course they do, but you’ll have your chance too and he won’t care about your weight.”  She sighed.  “You are beautiful, Amethyst – inside and out.  I say what I say because I want you to be healthy, not because I want you to be like Jasper.  It sure backfired, didn’t it?” 

                “Yeah, sure did.” 

                “You’ll meet with a psychiatrist tomorrow…”

                “I’m not crazy!”  Amethyst protested.

                “No, you’re not, but you probably need someone to help you with your body image and whatever else you might be dealing with.  A different doctor is also going to do an ultrasound of your heart to make sure there’s no lasting damage.” 

                “I guess I really screwed up.”

                “Hopefully, since you’ve only been doing this since October, you’ll be fine, but we can’t be too careful.”

                Amethyst lay back against the pillow.  She had no idea what awaited her in the morning.  The unknown was scary.  She hoped there was nothing wrong with her heart.  She also hoped she didn’t gain any weight.  God, what if the kids at school found out?  As if sensing her worries, her mom reached over and squeezed her hand, giving her a smile.  Her father came back and squeezed her shoulder.  One thing she knew for certain was that her family was here for her.

*

Jasper

                Jasper walked down the hall with her father a little bit before he spoke.  “Why didn’t you say anything, Baby Girl?” 

                “What?  About the pregnancy?”

                “We would have helped.  We would have been there.” 

                Jasper shrugged.  “I know.  I would have said something, but then I wasn’t pregnant and there was nothing to say.” 

                “I didn’t know you were seeing anyone over there.”

                “It was casual.”  She could not tell her dad the truth.  His sorrow over her pregnancy was bad enough.  If she told him she’d had an abortion…if she told him about the rape…it would destroy him.  Her mind flickered back to a time when she’d been about ten and a neighbor boy threw a rock at her.  She’d thought her dad was going to kick his ass and the kid had been so scared he’d wet his pants.  Jasper wouldn’t put it past her dad to track down Sergeant McCoy and kill him.

                “How are you and Matt doing?” 

                “Good.” 

                “Well, he hasn’t come to ask me for your hand, so I just wondered.” 

                Jasper gave an amused laugh.  “You really want this to work out.” 

                “His dad was my best friend once.  I think it would be great if you two hit it off, got married…made us grandparents.” 

                “Yeah, we’re not even close to that.” 

                “Of course, it’s up to you, Baby Girl.  I’d love for it to work out, but it’s your decision.” 

                They reached the elevator and Jasper pushed the button to go to the main lobby.  “Mom acts like my eggs are going to die tomorrow.” 

                “Pffft, your mom’s one to talk.  She had you when she was thirty-three and Amethyst when she was around forty.  You have plenty of time.”  The elevator dinged and they exited, walking through the lobby and out to the parking lot.  “You know, if you wanted to talk to your mom, she’d probably understand.  She…uh…she had a miscarriage.  It was shortly after we were married – before you were born.” 

                “I’m really okay, Dad.  I barely had time to process it.”  She moved her keys from one hand to another as they approached her car.  “I guess today was a little hard, but I’m still in therapy.  I can talk about it at my next session.” 

                “Therapy?” 

                She nodded.  “That night…the siege…it was hard.  I lost a lot of people I cared about, so we’ve been discussing that.” 

                Fetuao put an arm around her.  “And how are you doing with that?” 

                “Some days are easier than others.  I’m sure you saw some horrible things when you served, so you know how it is.” 

                “To be honest, I didn’t see a ton of action, but I knew others who did and I don’t know if some of them were ever the same.”  He pulled her close and kissed her temple.  “But you’re strong and I know you can conquer and rise above.” 

                “Now you sound like my therapist.”  She chuckled and hugged him.  “Thanks, Dad.”  She thought about what he’d said about her marrying Matt and smiled at the thought of having two men who loved and supported her so much.


	10. Warning Shots

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I thought NaNoWriMo would give me a chance to really bang out so many chapters on this fic, but that didn't happen. It's been a little slow going, but I'm still churning out chapters. Hopefully I'll have plenty of time in December/January because I have surgery coming up - nothing serious, life improving actually, but I'll have six weeks off work while I'm at home recovering.

**Chapter 10**

_May 2006_

Amethyst

                Amethyst had been relieved that her heart was not damaged.

                “Just a little weak,” the doctor had told her.  “Once you start eating a balanced diet, it’ll get stronger.”

                She’d seen a psychiatrist who said she didn’t have to stay in the hospital, but could be treated as an outpatient.  They’d diagnosed her with bulimia…of course, she knew that’s what it was.  She’d read articles about it in teen magazines.  She’d known what she was doing wasn’t good, but did it anyway.  “I guess that was a dumb move,” she told the psychiatrist.  “I figured I’d do it for a little while, lose weight, but not get sucked in.” 

                “It’s easy to get sucked in, but we can help you get back out of this spiral.  Our team can help you with your self-esteem and body image.  And we’ll get you set up with a nutritionist who can teach you how to eat healthy.”  Her psychiatrist gave her a friendly smile.  “You have a lot of people rallying behind you to help you.”

                Two days after being admitted, she was sent home with follow up appointments for counseling and an appointment with a nutritionist.  Her mom had picked up her assignments from school so she could work on them over the weekend.  “It’s Friday,” Penina told her.  “No reason for you to go to school for half a day.  Your science teacher says you can make up the test any day after school next week.”

                Peridot came over on Saturday and gave her as big a hug as her scrawny arms would let her.  “I was so worried.  Your mom said it was your heart.  Are you going to be okay?  Do you need a transplant?” 

                Amethyst let go and sat on her bed.  “No, nothing like that.  I kind of fucked myself up with crappy eating habits trying to lose weight.” 

                “You’re looking good, but you don’t want to hurt yourself.”

                She rolled her eyes.  “Yeah, I know that now.”  She filled Peridot in on exactly what she’d been doing.  “I just wanted to be skinny and wear cute clothes and get my mom off my back.” 

                “You could already wear cute clothes.  You know how many girls would kill to have your curves?”  Peridot looked down at her rather flat chest.  “I mean, if you could give me a cup size or two I know I’d be grateful.”

                “Fuck, I’d do it in a heartbeat.  I want smaller boobs, but my regular doctor said that’s not likely.”  Amethyst sighed.  “They said they’ll work on my body image and self esteem.” 

                “What teenage girl is happy with the way she looks?” 

                “Chyeah, I see your point, but I took it to extremes.”

                “You’re going to get better though, right?” 

                Amethyst nodded and truly hoped that she would.  Once Peridot was gone, she looked at herself in the mirror.  Her face was still round.  She pinched some fat still clinging to her stomach.  She remembered what she’d looked like at the beginning of the school year.  Was she going to get fat again?  She’d already gotten rid of some of her bigger clothes.  She thought about the purple dress she’d worn to the dance and felt panic rise in her.  What if she gained weight and didn’t fit into it?  Then on the other side, what if she didn’t get healthy?  She didn’t want a bum heart.  She didn’t want to be weak or – God forbid – die.  She sat on the bed, fear of her uncertain future on her mind and choked back tears as she tried not to give into worry.

*

                When nothing terrible had ever really happened to her, Amethyst wasn’t looking forward to therapy.  What was she going to talk about?  Did she really need to do this?

                “You’re going,” her mother had told her in a no-nonsense way that morning.  “If you don’t, I’ll know because I work in the same hospital.”

                “What if I just don’t show up?”

                “Then I’ll _sasa_ you with a wooden spoon.”

                “Chyeah, pretty sure that’s still illegal…”

                Nevertheless, that Tuesday afternoon, she went, walking into her counselor’s office and plunking her backpack next to the couch.  “So, do I lay down or what?”

                The woman smiled kindly and took a seat across from the couch.  She was older, probably in her sixties, wore glasses and her voice held a thoughtful quality.  “No, you can sit.  My name is Flo and I specialize in counseling teens with eating disorders.  I read the notes from the psychiatrist and your doctor and understand that you’re bulimic.”

                “So they say.”

                “Was there any single incident that triggered you to start vomiting after eating?” 

                Amethyst shrugged and sat back.  “No, I just got tired of being fat and I don’t want to get fat again.”  She paused.  “Fatter.”

                “The psychologist you saw mentioned in her notes that you had some problems with your mother regarding your weight.  Do you want to talk about that?”

                “That’ll take all session probably, but sure.  She gets on me all the time about what I eat and how much and how I look and she’s fat too so it’s bullshit.  Like if she wants me to eat healthy and lose weight maybe she could start by fucking setting an example.”

                “Has she been this way all your life?”  When Amethyst nodded, Flo continued.   “Has she ever been physically abusive?” 

                “Not unless spanking counts.” 

                “Depends on the spanking.” 

                Probably not a good idea to bring up that her father had been a believer in the belt and her mom wouldn’t hesitate to _sasa_ her ass with a wooden spoon or hairbrush.  “Nothing too bad.  Honestly, my dad’s a pretty awesome guy and my mom just needs to shut up about my weight.  I get it from the kids at school and I don’t need it from her.”

                “High school’s never easy.  Do you have any friends you confide in when things get tough?” 

                “Peridot’s my best friend.  We’ve known each other since we were five and we’re really different, but get along well.  There’s also Kiki and Jenny – they’re twins.  We’re not super close, but they’re nice.”  Over the next fifty minutes she told Flo about her classes and which ones she was good at and which she was barely passing.  “I mean who uses freaking algebra on a daily basis?  I may not know what I want to do with my life, but I do know it won’t involve complicated math.”

                Once the timer had dinged, Flo closed her notebook.  “You meet with the nutritionist this week, right?” 

                “Tomorrow, yeah.” 

                “Before we meet next week I’d like you to write out five things you like about yourself as an exercise in self-esteem.  Then I’d like you to write five things you’d like to improve and some positive ways you think you can do so.   Are you off to group therapy next?” 

                “Yeah…do I really need it though?” 

                “It helps to get to know other kids who understand what you’re going through.   You’re not alone in this, Amethyst.” 

                She knew that, but somehow she still didn’t want to sit in a circle and spill her feelings to a whole group of strangers…whether they were her age or not.  She still had about half an hour until support group, so she took the elevator down to the main floor and found the cafeteria for a snack.  Maybe she shouldn’t get a snack…after all, she’d kept her lunch down and it wasn’t exactly healthy, but her stomach growled.  Something little couldn’t possibly hurt.  She surveyed the choices in the refrigerated section knowing she should pick out a package of vegetables or fruit, but a cup full of chocolate and vanilla pudding with whipped cream was calling her name.  It would soothe her sweet tooth and help fill her a little until dinner.  She plucked it from its place and took it to the register, also grabbing a bottle of iced tea. 

                “That’ll be three-fifty,” said the cashier. 

                Amethyst dug in her bag and pulled out two dollars and a handful of change.  She frowned.  She was certain she’d had three dollars.  Wait…she’d bought a soda at lunch…God, what a heifer. 

                “Come on, dearie, there’s a line forming.”

                She was no one’s ‘dearie’ and there was only one person after her who plunked down a five dollar bill and told the cashier in a soft voice: “I’ll pay for hers.” 

                “You don’t have to.  I can just…”

                “Oh please, let me,” the stranger said, her voice lifting up in a soft Southern accent.

                “Uh…okay, thanks.”  Amethyst noticed the girl only bought a cup of hot tea.  “Do you want to sit together?” 

                “That would be lovely.”  The girl took a seat at one of the small round tables next to Amethyst and dunked the tea bag in the cup of hot water. 

                Amethyst had never seen a girl her age who was so elegant.  She wore a pink coat over her thin frame – almost too thin in her opinion – and her blonde hair was perfectly arranged and fell in loose curls framing her face and tumbling over her shoulders.  She wore no foundation on her perfectly shaped face, but light eye shadow and lip gloss.  Amethyst couldn’t tell if the lashes surrounding the sky-colored eyes were enhanced by mascara or not.  She suddenly felt plain and insignificant.  _Stop staring_ , Amethyst told herself as she gave an awkward grin.  “Um, thanks again.  I’m Amethyst.” 

                “My name is Roselyn.  Pleased to meet you.”  She offered her hand, which Amethyst found odd because she’d never shaken hands with someone her own age.  That was an adult thing, but then she did seem more mature than Amethyst felt, despite them probably being the same age.  

                “Where are you from?” 

                “Oh, I was born here.  I picked up my accent from my daddy.  He’s from Georgia.”

                “I hope he’s not sick…I mean, ‘cause this is a hospital and all.” 

                “No, not at all.  They say I have an eating problem and I’m here for therapy.  I’m just waiting for group.”  Roselyn sipped her tea lightly, her stomach growling angrily under her coat as though wanting more. 

                “Yeah, I have to go to that too.  I’m bulimic.”  It was still hard to admit.

“They say I’m anorexic.  I say I’m on a diet.” 

“Is it…I mean, is it helping?  Are you getting better?”

                “I’ve gained a pound.”  She shrugged her shoulders.  “I don’t think I really have a problem.  My parents say they disagree…when they’re around.”

                Amethyst tore the top off of her pudding and dug her spoon into the whipped cream.  “What do they do?” 

                “Oh, Daddy and my aunt run a company together…and Mama is busy with luncheons and organizing galas – charity things, you know.”

                “I wish my parents were into doing something – they’re always around.  My dad’s cool, but my mom’s kind of a bitch.”  She ate a spoonful of pudding.

                Roselyn smiled gently.  “You know that has to have three hundred calories, right?”

                “I take it you don’t eat pudding.” 

                “Not in over a year.  No sugar, no carbs, strict vegan diet, small portions, exercise daily – no exceptions.  I know what I’m doing.”

                Amethyst knew she couldn’t live on that kind of diet…neither could Roselyn, probably.  She twisted the cap off her iced tea and took a sip.  They could talk about what they ate or didn’t eat or other such things at support group.  “So, what school do you go to?” 

                “I’m privately tutored.” 

                “That must be kind of lonely.”  Maybe Amethyst didn’t have a lot of close friends, but school still helped her be social.

                “I also take ballet classes and riding lessons.  I have some friends there.  Do you dance or ride?” 

                She laughed.  “Yeah…me dance ballet?” 

                “Or any kind of dance – there’s also tap and jazz.” 

                “No and the only horse I’ve ever been on was attached to a carousel.” 

                Roselyn giggled.  “Perhaps we can go riding at my place sometime.”

                “I’d probably break the horse’s back.”

                “They’re quite strong, I assure you.”  She pulled out a cell phone from the small purse that matched the rest of her outfit and flipped it open.  “It’s almost time.  We should get going.” 

                Amethyst tossed the remainder of her pudding and slipped the bottle of tea in her backpack before following Roselyn out of the cafeteria and down the hall.  She glanced down at her pink flats.  “I’m surprised you don’t wear heels.” 

                “Oh no, Mama says no heels until I’m sixteen – that’ll be in August.”

                Wait…she knew they were close in age, but Roselyn was _younger_?  Maybe age and maturity didn’t go hand-in-hand.  “Do you live close by?” 

                “No, I live near Emerald City, but I go here for therapy to avoid anyone who might know the family.”  Roselyn jabbed the elevator button with her finger.  “So they send me an hour away to maintain the family image.  I tell you, it’s exhausting.  ‘Stand up straight, Roselyn – smile, speak softly and don’t forget your accent’ – got to be put together, you know…Mama and Daddy’s perfect trophy.  Can’t let anyone know I’m a mess-up.”

                “I hear that feeling, though my mom’s probably upset that I didn’t lose more weight before this all happened.”

                “I mean…I can help you if you want,” Roselyn offered.

                “Thanks, but I’m sure they’ll be watching me like hawks, so I can’t exactly pick up your vegan, water-only diet.” 

                Roselyn laughed.  “True, but at least your parents are there for you.” 

                Support group was much what she’d expected – about ten girls and one boy sitting in a circle and talking about their feelings.  Amethyst simply sat back and listened as some of them discussed the typical fears and anxieties that come with growing up and being in high school or the pressures of being in sports where they had to keep their weight down.  However a couple had broken families or had been abused in some way and Amethyst was almost in awe that they were comfortable enough in this group to talk about it. 

                The therapist leading, Joanna, looked at her.  “Amethyst, do you want to share?” 

                “I mean…I just…I didn’t wanna be fat.”

                “I think most of us have been in that position, but is being fat really the worst thing you can be?” 

                “It’s not healthy.” 

                “Not particularly, but neither is starving yourself or forcing yourself to be sick.  You are more than your size.”  Joanna’s eyes flickered to Roselyn.  “Would you like to share today?” 

                Amethyst’s new friend shook her head and gave a serene smile.  “No.”

                It lasted an hour and they walked out together.  “How do you get home, Amethyst?” 

                “My mom’s shift should be over soon, so I’m headed to OB to wait for her and she’ll drive me home.  You?” 

                “My daddy will send a car for me.” 

                “A car?” 

                “You know…a limo.  Or…maybe just the town car.”

                _Damn…how rich is she_? Amethyst wondered.  It must be nice to be rich.  Amethyst was definitely tired of being poor.  As she said goodbye to Roselyn and headed up to the OB floor, she thought about getting a job.  That would give her some money to spend.  She waited almost half an hour, working on her homework before Penina got off work.  “Hey, Mom.” 

                “Good, you’re studying.  What do you want to eat for dinner?” 

                “Um…I don’t know.” 

                “I read that helping plan meals can help your recovery.” 

                Amethyst shrugged.  “Spaghetti?”  She walked silently alongside her mom until they got to the car and closed the door before asking what was on her mind.  “Could I get a job this summer?” 

                “You’ll have therapy to consider.  A job won’t get you out of that.” 

                “I know.”

                “I’ll talk to your father.  I thought you should have something to do this summer.”

                “Maybe Peridot and I can get jobs together.”

                “Peridot isn’t old enough yet.” 

                “Right…”  She looked out the window and watched the world go by as her mom drove.  Peridot was a great friend, but in meeting Roselyn, Amethyst now had someone who understood her on a level her best friend couldn’t.  Despite everything happening, she looked forward to summer…to hopefully getting better…

*

_June 2006_

Jasper

                “Where are you off to?”  Matt asked as Jasper passed through the common area of the barracks.  “And in your uniform again no less.”

                “Sergeant Major Jackson asked to see me about something.” 

                “You in trouble?” 

                “I fucking hope not.”  She gave him a quick kiss.  “See you later?” 

                “Yeah.” 

                “Man, you guys are lucky,” one of the others soldiers said.  “I’ve been trying to get a girl to marry me, you know…get out of here.”

                “We’re not getting married and definitely not just so we can move out of the barracks,” Jasper told him.  She hugged Matt again and left, making her way across base and waiting a few moments before being called into the major’s office.  “Corporal Palamo reporting, sir.”

                “Take a seat.”  His brows knitted together as he opened a file and tapped his pen against one of the pages.  “You’ve worked closely with Sergeant Gary McCoy for a couple of years now, correct?” 

                Oh Jesus…she did not want to talk about that asshole.  “Yes, sir, ever since I joined the infantry.” 

                “There have been some allegations brought against him by another female soldier, so I have to ask about his conduct and whether you’ve ever felt his behavior to be inappropriate.” 

                _Sir, I could write a book about his inappropriateness_ , she wanted to say, but couldn’t.  “Um…well, I’d say he can definitely be sexist.  He makes remarks and jokes about women being there to make sandwiches and do laundry, but that’s not exclusive to him.  If I can be so bold, the Army seems to still be a man’s world, despite strides to make things more inclusive.  Someone complained about him making jokes?” 

                “No, someone has accused him of sexual assault, so I need to ask if he’s ever said anything or done anything to do that made you feel uncomfortable.”

                _He raped me._   She couldn’t say those words.  There was absolutely no proof and she had her reputation to think about.  Suddenly, she was disgusted with herself.  Damn her reputation – she should have thought about this from the beginning.  Now he’d gone and done something to someone else.  Still, the words stayed lodged in her throat. 

                “Corporal?”

                “We were at a pizza place recently and he smacked me on the rear.”  _That_ could be backed up – there were witnesses – plenty of them. 

                “How did you react?” 

                “I yelled at him and some of the guys basically got him to stop and shut up.  His rationale for doing it was that I stuck my butt out – I was playing pool.”

                “I see.”  Sergeant Major Jackson turned the pen around in his hands.  “Nothing else that stands out to you?” 

                Her heart was pounding and she resisted the urge to wipe her palms on her pants.  “No, sir.”

                “You didn’t think to report his behavior when this happened?”

                “He wasn’t the first guy to grab my ass.  It seemed more trouble to report him than it was worth.”

                “It is your prerogative if you choose to report it or not, however, I would encourage everyone to come forward about inappropriate conduct.”

                “There are rumors of women being denied promotions, being demoted or even the odd case of one or two not returning from battle.  As long as stories like that exist, I have to ask myself if reporting it is worth risking my career.”

                “You and I both know retaliation is not tolerated.”

                “It still happens.  At the end of the year, I’m eligible for a promotion and I don’t want this to be the reason I don’t make sergeant after I’ve worked so hard.  He’s the first person I have to interview with – you think he’s going to recommend me if I drag his name through the mud?”

                “You think he’ll have that power if he’s demoted or in jail?”

                Jasper nodded slowly.  “That’s a big if.”

                “I’ll tell you what – you take a few days to think about this and request a meeting if you need to tell me anything else.”

                “Yes, sir.”  She left when he dismissed her and quickly returned to the barracks.

                “Hey, Jasps, what did he want?”  Matt asked from the couch in the common area where he was playing a video game with one of the other guys.

                “I’ll tell you in private.  Come find me when you’re done.”  She cringed as his virtual character shot another character in the head making it explode across the screen.  Retreating to her room, she started getting undressed.  It took everything in her to hang her uniform up neatly instead of flinging it across the room in frustration.  “You fucking coward,” she muttered to herself as she undid her bun and let her hair tumble down her back.

                Jasper could feel Sergeant McCoy’s hands on her…his breath against her skin…hear his voice threatening her.  She sat on the bed in her bra and underwear, her hand resting lightly on the stuffed tiger’s head.  She needed to calm down and ground herself.  She was safe here.  Her sergeant didn’t live in the barracks and couldn’t threaten her here.

                A knock on the door startled her.  Jasper wrapped a robe around herself.  “Matt?”

                “Yeah, it’s me.”

                She opened the door and let him in, leaving the door cracked just a bit as the rules demanded.  “Did you win your game?”

                “No, Cardwell got high score.”  Matt put his hands on her shoulders.  “What was your meeting about?”

                Jasper filled him in on the situation then sat on the bed with a sigh.  “If I’d said something when it happened then someone else wouldn’t have to go through this.  But…I didn’t…I just pretended it never happened and now he attacked another woman who actually _has_ the guts to say something.  I never even considered…I thought about my damn self.”

                Matt sat next to her and put his arm around her, letting her lean into him.  “You couldn’t have known.”  He squeezed her shoulder.  “Are you going to say something?”

                “I don’t know.  What if I do and he doesn’t actually get punished for it?  He somehow weaseled his way out of a court marshal for how he led us during the siege.  Who’s to say he won’t do the same with this?”

                “If you do report it and they believe you, his punishment will be harsher.”

                “And if they don’t, then I’m trying to cause trouble and he can make my life a living hell.  I have no proof.  It’s my word against his and with my history and my reputation while I was over there, why should they believe me?”

                Matt kissed the top of her head.  “Because you’re honest and even if you had it in you to lie, they know you wouldn’t make this up.” 

                “God, I’m such a fucking coward…”

                “Then prove you’re not.  Go to Sergeant Major Jackson and tell him what happened.”

                Derek had told her she’d had to face this like she would an enemy in battle.  “Maybe I should run it by my therapist.”

                “Good idea.  I still want to kick his ass – er, McCoy, not your therapist.  Look at me, Jasper.”  Once she’d faced him, he cradled her face in his hands and gently kissed her.  “You’re a warrior, okay?  You can do this.”

                Jasper returned his kiss hungrily and deeply.  His arms wrapped around her, strong and protective.   His hands wandered around her back, running along the soft material of her robe.  Jasper broke the kiss. “Hang on.”

                She wanted more…so much more than just kissing.  She peeked out into the hall, seeing no one and shut the door, locking it.

                “What are you doing?” Matt asked.  “We could get in trouble.”

                “Not if we’re quiet.”  Jasper undid the belt and let her robe fall to the floor, causing her boyfriend’s eyes to widen.  She reached behind her and popped her bra open, sighing in relief, letting it slide down her arms to plop on top of her robe. 

                Matt sat back and sucked in a sharp breath.  “Damn.”

                Jasper straddled his lap and kissed him again, reveling in the feeling of his hands on her bare back.  They explored her muscles, her shoulder blades, slid down her spine sending shivers through her.  One hand wandered close to her breast, just inches away, fire burning in her core as she broke the kiss and moved his hand, causing his fingers to brush over her nipple.  “Put your hands on me…please…” 

                He kneaded her breasts, his thumbs rubbing over her nipples causing them to pucker as tingles spread from her chest down to her core.  She moved against him, feeling him expand in his pants.

                Matt kissed her neck, his teeth nibbling her flesh, moving down to a spot that would be covered by her uniform and sucking.  Jasper trembled and sighed.  “Oh God…”  It had been a long time since anyone had held her…touched her…kissed her.  

                His hips rolled against her and he moaned against her neck, finally pulling away.  “Jasper, I want to make love to you.  Is that okay?” 

                “Yes,” she breathed.  She pulled his shirt off over his head, running her hands along the flat planes of his chest and abs.  Her fingers traced the lines of his _pe’a_ stretching in dark tones across his sides.  She’d never been with a man who was so covered in tattoos, but she found it sexy and powerful.  “Hang on, um…one second.” 

                Jasper ran to the bathroom and rummaged through a drawer, finding two condoms in foil wrapping.  She returned, finding Matt sitting completely naked on the bed and handed one of the small packages to him.  “Here…I’m, uh…not on birth control.”

                “Good idea.”  He opened it and rolled it on while she discarded her panties.  His fingers slid between her legs…exploring her folds already slick with her nectar.  “Is this against the rules?” 

                “When I’m dating someone, the rules go out the door.”

                “Except the protection rule.”

                “Well, that’s just…ahhh…common fucking…”  She grasped his shoulders as his fingers circled her clit.  “Fuuuuuuck…sense.”  Her head tilted back and she tried holding a moan back.  She pulled back from his hand and lowered herself onto him, pressing her lips against his as she moved up and down and he filled her.  Her tongue gently pushed past his lips and his played with hers in return as she clenched around his member and rode him. 

                Matt broke the kiss and pulled away.  “Unnngh…God, Jasper.” 

                Being on top usually gave her a sense of power…being above men, driving them crazy…but she didn’t want to drive him crazy.  She wanted to pleasure him…to melt into his arms…to become one with him.  She wanted this to wash away memories of that awful night and replace them with loving, tender ones.  Matt placed his hands firmly on her hips and she stopped as they changed positions.  She flung the tiger across the room and lay down, letting him cover her and fill her completely.  Jasper’s nails ran the length of his back as he moved in her sending waves of euphoria from her core all the way to her toes, her fingers, even the hair on her head.  She pulled him closer and shuddered, crying out as a wave crashed through her. 

                He was kissing her cheek and then her neck…and he was so close to her she felt smothered between him and the bed.  The waves began to ebb as darkness crept in.  _No…_ she told herself.  _This is Matt…your boyfriend._ One of his hands was on her breast and she balled her own hands up into fists as her heart pounded.  She tried to take a deep breath, but a dark wave crashed over her threatening to drown her. 

                Jasper shut her eyes.  She was on that bed…in that room…and he was on her.  She couldn’t move…she couldn’t make a sound…fuck, she could hardly breathe. 

                “Jasper…”

                A voice was coming from far away.  Was it Ruby?  Had she woken up? 

                “Jasper…”

                _Get off of me_ …she wanted to tell him.   

                _Slut!_

                And he wouldn’t stop…he was crushing her and he kept going. 

                _You can’t dish it out to everyone else and tell me no._

                Another dark wave of panic and terror.  _Just hurry up…just hurry up and finish, please!_

                “JASPER!”

                Oh God…it was Matt…that’s right, she was with Matt and he’d stopped.  He wasn’t so close and she could take a breath.  Her voice escaped in a whisper.  “It’s okay…I’m okay…”

                “No, you’re not.  What’s wrong?” 

                And then the panic seeped from her mind, ringing out in her voice as her eyes flew open.  “It’s okay – hurry up and finish, please!” 

                “No, because you’re not okay and I’m not going to continue if you’re not okay with it.”  He shifted, pulling out of her and holding her close. 

                Jasper’s entire body trembled as she wrapped her arms around him, longing to feel that safety she’d had in his embrace before.  “I’m sorry...I don’t know what happened.  I was fine and then…”

                “It’s okay.”  Matt stroked her hair. 

                “No, it’s not. It’s sex – I should be able to do this, but I…I just panicked and all these memories…” 

                “Shhh, it’s okay.”  He rolled beside her, his arms still around her and placed a soft kiss on her forehead.  “You keep going to therapy and we’ll try again when you’re ready.”

                 “I don’t deserve you.” 

                “Yes you do.  You deserve love and kindness…and everything good.”

                No, that’s what Matt deserved…all that and a girlfriend who wasn’t so damaged…and wasn’t such a coward.

*

                “I just don’t know what happened,” Jasper told Derek at her next session.  “I…I just froze and I couldn’t stop thinking about it.  It was like I was being raped all over again, but this was with Matt – Matt!  He would never do that.  In fact, he stopped when he realized I wasn’t okay.”

                “Can you think of what may have triggered the flashback?” 

                “The only thing I can think of is that he was on top.  Not that I’ve never allowed men on top but usually I like to be in charge and when I was – when I was on top of Matt, it was fine.  But I want to be comfortable with this.  If he wants to make love in that position somehow I need to be okay with it.” 

                “And you will.  You need to remind yourself that Matt is someone you can trust and that may take time.  You’re still recovering and you need to give yourself time to heal.” 

                “It’s not like this is the first time I’ve done it since the rape either.  I mean, the other times I was pretty drunk…but it didn’t bother me like this did.”

                “Were they on top?” 

                “No.”  Jasper sighed and squeezed her stress ball.  “I really thought that this time with Matt would get rid of what Sergeant McCoy did to me.” 

                “Nothing is going to erase it.  I believe you’ll go on to have a fulfilling relationship with Matt, or maybe someone else in the future – you’ll become comfortable with sex again and enjoy it, but it’s never going to make the rape go away.  It doesn’t change that experience.  All you can do is move on.” 

                “It’s hard because Sergeant McCoy is still in charge of my unit.  I have to work with him every day.  I mean, mostly he leaves me alone, but it’s almost impossible to move on when I have to look at him and remember what he did to me.”  She looked at her hands, moving the stress ball from one hand to the other.  “And…now he’s done it to someone else.” 

                Derek nodded, shifted in his chair and looked at her square on.  “And how does that make you feel?” 

                “Horrible.  I should have said something…gone to the doctor…reported it…”

                “Jasper, you can’t change the past, remember?” 

                “Yeah.”  All the ‘could’ves, should’ves, would’ves’ couldn’t change what was.  The truth was that she hadn’t reported it. 

                “It’s not your fault he attacked another person.  That’s on him.  Now, hopefully they’ve gone to your command about it and they’re taking steps to move on.”

                “I got called into a meeting with Sergeant Major Jackson and I told him about Sergeant McCoy smacking my ass at the pizza place.  I’m really torn about actually reporting the rape.  If I do this, I have no evidence and he told me there would be consequences.  I’m really afraid…do you know what it takes me to admit I’m fucking scared?” 

                “That’s good.  You’re getting in touch with your feelings.  What are you scared of?” 

                “I could not get promoted…I could get demoted or discharged.” 

                “What happens if you’re discharged?” 

                “Depends if it’s honorable or dishonorable, but if he makes it seem like I messed up, it’ll probably be dishonorable, which means zero benefits.  I lose my GI Bill; I lose my insurance…I’ve never been to college.  I don’t even know anymore how to make a resume or go on a job interview.  It’s all different in the military.” 

                “Do you have people to help you?” 

                “I’m sure my parents would…my dad did say he had a college fund for me, though it never got used, but they might be saving it for Amethyst.  I’d have to get some kind of schooling; I’m not flipping burgers or something my whole life.” 

                “But even if all that happened and you weren’t in the military – you can carve a path out for yourself.  And remember, it is an ‘if’.  It’s just as likely they’ll believe you and if they do, then he gets punished and that may just help you a lot in moving on.” 

                She nodded and took a deep breath.  “It’s still…I’m still afraid.” 

                “‘Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something is more important than fear.’”  Derek quoted.  “You remember that when you talk to Jackson.”

*

                And in telling her story to the sergeant major, it was like a weight had been lifted from her chest.  She still had to pause every so often and couldn’t get through it without crying, but he was the same gentle man who had listened to her when she wasn’t sure how to deal with her pregnancy.  “Dare I ask if your baby was his?”

                “It was.  I even considered having it, if for no other reason than to prove he’d done it because the child would have had his DNA.”

                “Technically all that would have proven is that you’d had sex with him.” 

                “Well, as my therapist says: sex is consensual; this was not.” 

                “I’ll be honest, Corporal.”  Sergeant Major Jackson folded his hands and placed them on the desk in front of them.  “We have evidence to support the other accusations, but not for you.  It’s incredibly brave for you to come forward, but you have to be prepared for the possibility that they may not prosecute him for assaulting you.”

                Jasper gave a nod.  “I understand and I won’t say I’m not still afraid.  I don’t know how he’ll retaliate, but I’m sure he’ll try.  I just can’t let him get away with this.” 

                “Okay.  I’ll send the report higher up the chain of command and someone will likely be in touch with you.” 

*

                Two days later, she headed out to the field for a fighting exercise.  It was so different from Iraq with the trees and bushes around, but the goal was to find and take out ‘snipers’ without getting hit themselves.  Her hands tightened around the rifle full of blanks as she moved slowly along the terrain – an area on base around twenty miles long and a mile wide.  From the soldiers missing, she knew who the snipers were as they’d gone ahead. 

_Pop pop pop!_

                Damn, even the blanks sounded realistic and an alarm emitted from Cardwell’s vest indicating he’d been hit.  He lay down on the ground as though injured while another soldier put in a call for medical assistance.  It was like a game of tag…except when it came to a real battle it was no longer a game and the stakes were high.  They couldn’t treat their training like a game either.

                “You know who else the snipers are?”  Moritz asked beside her. 

                “Young, McCoy and Cortina.”  Jasper surveyed the area, but with their camouflage they’d be nearly impossible to see.  She stepped around Moritz and kept her gaze on a bush-filled area where she was almost sure she saw the outline of a uniform and the barrel of a gun pointed in their direction.  She raised her rifle and looked through the scope. 

_Pop!  Pop!_

                Jasper waited for the sound from a vest indicating a hit but it never found her ears.  Damn, she’d missed.  She hoped it was McCoy…in that case she wished she had actual bullets.  Clearly, he knew she’d said something because he’d quietly called her a bitch just before they’d left on this training mission.  _Better a bitch than a rapist, she_ thought.

_Pop!_

                Something slammed into her bullet-proof vest with the force of a baseball bat and pain spread through her chest.  What the hell?

_Pop!_

                Another blow.  She heard the plate under the tough exterior of her vest snap and a shock stinging through her right breast and all the way to her back.  She couldn’t breathe…whatever it was had knocked the wind out of her.

_Pop!_

                Her mouth opened in a silent scream as a searing sensation burned through her upper arm.  Her knees hit the ground first and then she was facedown.  The sleeve of her uniform was wet.  But it couldn’t be…

                “Everybody hold fire!  Freeze!” 

                She was rolled over onto her back, still struggling to take a breath.  Her eyes darted around frantically.  No…they didn’t use real bullets in training. 

                “Get on the radio and call for a medical unit to get here – now!  Let them know it’s not a drill!”  

                She had actually been shot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is done and will be up once my trusty beta finishes with it. I know in the past I've popped out chapters very fast but now I like them to be polished and ready for you all. :)


	11. Melting Pot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone is still invested and enjoying this. It's taking a bit longer than I anticipated, which is frustrating because I know where I want this to go, but it's the getting there that is hard. :) 
> 
> So here is the conclusion to last chapter for those who are wondering how Jasper is doing.

**Chapter 11 – Melting Pot**

_June 2006_

Jasper

                Jasper lay dazed for several moments before she was able to take a breath.  Hands were removing her helmet and undoing her vest.  She grunted as one of the medics with them pressed something to her injured arm.  

                “We’re waiting on transport to take you to the hospital.  You’ve been shot,” one of them told her. 

                She took a ragged breath.  “No shit,” she managed.

                “Where does it hurt?”

                “Where the bullet went in…”

                She heard one of the other soldiers laughing.  “You hear that – Palamo’s gonna be fine.”

                Off to the side, she heard their Staff Sergeant ripping into McCoy.  “Damn it!  What the fuck were you doing using real bullets?!” 

                “I must’ve grabbed the wrong magazine.  How is she doing?”

                “The wrong…are you serious?!  You are not some fucking green thumb recruit in his first week of basic!  You are a motherfucking sergeant and you don’t know the goddamn difference between a magazine of bullets and a magazine of blanks?!  You could have killed someone!” 

                The medic removed her bullet proof vest, zipped open her uniform and cut through her T-shirt.  _Oh God, please do not…_

                _Snap_!  Cool air hit her chest as her bra was cut in half. 

                “Laceration under the right breast.”  The medic pressed something soft against it causing her to wince.  “You’ll need x-rays.   You may have cracked ribs.”  He checked her pulse at her wrist and squeezed her left hand.  “Squeeze back.  Good, any numbness or tingling?” 

                “No.”  She wondered when the ambulance would come to take her back to the hospital on base, but they were sixteen miles into the field, so she knew it might be a while.  He was cutting her sleeve all the way up and pressing gauze on the wound.  “How is my arm?” 

                “Looks like just a soft tissue injury.  They’ll want to get an x-ray to make sure the bone isn’t damaged, but I’d say you got pretty lucky.” 

                “Do I need surgery?” 

                “Probably.”

                Wind blew across her skin and she was suddenly aware of how exposed she was and that she was surrounded by mostly men.  The majority of them had averted their gaze to give her as much privacy as was possible in the field.  Sergeant McCoy knelt down beside her and suddenly she felt very self-conscious.  “Sorry about that, Tiger, but you’re brave, right?  Tough?” 

                She wanted to tell him to fuck off, but that would only make her look bad.  “More than you know.” 

                His eyes glanced down, a smirk playing briefly on his lips before he put on a façade of concern.  “I didn’t mean to actually shoot you.” 

                _I bet you told the sergeant major you didn’t mean to rape me either,_ she thought.  Jasper hoped her eyes held the hatred she felt for him.  _What did you tell him, you asshole – your dick slipped?_

                And then she realized…he’d shot her because she’d dared to report him…and in doing so he’d all but admitted his guilt.

*

                Once she’d reached the emergency room, they’d told her she indeed had cracked ribs and that the bullet in her arm had torn through her bicep, but had missed the bone.  She’d need an operation to repair it, but ultimately, she would heal and have full function. 

                “Have you had any prior surgeries?” the doctor asked.

                She shook her head.  “Not unless my wisdom teeth count.  They put me out for that.”

                He briefed her on what to expect and she was whisked away to a sterile operating room where the world disappeared for a while.  It seemed as soon as she’d closed her eyes, they fluttered open again and she moaned.  Her arm still stung with pain and her throat was dry and sore.  Her chest hurt with every breath.  She’d been told there was nothing that could be done for her ribs – she just had to be careful and let them heal. 

                A nurse by her bed smiled.  He wore dark scrubs and wasn’t bad-looking.  “Hey, how are you feeling?” 

                “Thirsty.” 

                “Okay, but take it slow.”  He put a straw to her lips and let her drink some water.  “You did really well in surgery.  Are you in pain?” 

                “A little.”  

                “Do you want something?” 

                Jasper remembered how the pain meds made her feel after she’d had her wisdom teeth out.  She hadn’t liked the feeling and preferred to be clear-headed.  “No, I’m fine.” 

                “Don’t be a hero if you don’t have to.  If you’re in pain don’t hesitate to ask for something.” 

                 “Ibuprofen maybe...or Tylenol.”

                “You were shot.” 

                “I mean, you can give me the strong ibuprofen.”

                “Three times.” 

                She tried to stretch and winced.  “Eh, I was wearing a vest.” 

                However, the doctor who checked on her that evening insisted on something stronger.  “You were shot – you have extensive bruising down to the muscular level and cracked ribs and you just had surgery.  Trust me, you’ll want something to help you sleep more comfortably.  I’m going to recommend to your command that you say in quarters for the rest of the week.”

                Damn it, that meant three days confined to the barracks.  “And after?” 

                “No PT, no heavy lifting – you’ll probably be on desk duty for a month then I want to re-evaluate your ribs before you resume physical activity.  I’ll prescribe something to help you sleep.”

                “No thanks.”

                “You don’t have to take it if you don’t want to, but you’ll probably be pretty uncomfortable these next few nights.” 

                “But I’ll be able to go back to regular duty and working out once I’m healed?” 

                “Absolutely.” 

                After he left, Jasper relaxed and leaned back.  There was a phone by the bed and her first thought was to call Matt, but she had his number in her cell phone and didn’t know it by heart.  She could call her parents, but they would just worry.  Plus, they didn’t have base access.  There was one other number she could call…no, not really.  Lacy couldn’t get on base either and she probably didn’t want to leave her baby. 

                After twenty minutes that felt like an eternity, her nurse came in.  “The doctor ordered a little morphine for you.”

                Truthfully, as the grogginess of the anesthesia had worn off, she did hurt, but… “I’ve been sleeping all day.  Can I have that a little later?”  Her stomach growled.  “Maybe after I eat?  I’m so hungry.”

                “Let me at least give you some ibuprofen and here is the menu.  Just dial that code on your phone and you can order dinner.”

                “Thanks.  Can someone also put in a call to my barracks and let them know I need clothes from my room?”  Her pants had been returned, but she couldn’t very well return to the barracks topless.  Plus, it was against regulation to wear her uniform pants with anything else.  “Also, do you have books here?  I’m just a little bored.”

                He laughed lightly.  “Sure.  We have a small library.  What do you like?” 

                “Mysteries or suspense.  I like books that are more feminist-leaning – strong female protagonist and all that.  No romance.  If you come back with a book that has a half-naked Fabio on the cover I’ll puke.”

                He shook with laughter again.  “I’ll see what I can do.”

                Jasper picked up the phone after surveying the menu and deciding meatloaf sounded good.  She’d have to watch her diet over the next few weeks if she wasn’t getting the same amount of exercise.  She’d just placed the phone back down when someone rapped on the door frame. 

                “Can I come in, Tiger?” 

                Her heart sank and her stomach turned inside out as she turned to face Sergeant McCoy.  “The fuck are you doing here?”

                He sauntered in, right up to the side of her bed.  “I just came to see how you were doing.” 

                “You shot me.  How the hell do you think I am?”

                “It was an honest mistake.”

                “A mistake is once you arrogant prick!  You shot me three times – three!  Mistake, my ass.”  Jasper’s eyes flickered to the nurse call button to make sure it was in reach.  “And it’s pretty damn easy to tell a magazine of blanks from an actual one full of bullets!”

                “As I said, everyone makes mistakes – mistakes that get other people in a lot of trouble.”  He leaned in, dropping his voice to a whisper that made chills run up the length of her spine.  “You’re going to go to Sergeant Major Jackson and you’re going to withdraw your statement.” 

                “The hell I am.”

                “How’s it going to look when I give mine?  Huh?  Saying that you agreed to it.  You told me you’d sleep with me…”

                “Oh yeah…after you fucking pressured me all day.  Then I took it back.”

                “You can’t do that, Tiger.  I was promised something.  I just made sure I got what I asked for.” 

                “Oh you’ll get what you’re asking for…”  Jasper felt his hand on her back sending chills through her.  “Move your fucking hand right now!”

                Sergeant McCoy leaned in close to her ear.  “And it was good, Tiger, really good.”  Before she could make a move to press the call button, he slid his hand up, his fingers resting on the base of her skull.  “Next time, I aim right here, so I hope this taught you to keep your mouth shut.” 

                Jasper’s fingers trembled with fear and her heart raced as he kissed her cheek.  It was hard to keep her voice steady.  “You will step away, sir – now.”

                He pulled away when they heard footsteps approaching and her nurse walked in.  “Oh, sir, visiting hours are actually over.” 

                “Of course.  I was with her today and I just want to make sure she’s okay.”  Sergeant McCoy gave a smile.  “See you later, Palamo.”

                Jasper sighed after he’d gone and accepted the ibuprofen and water from the nurse.  “Thanks.” 

                “Not a friend of yours, I take it.” 

                “He’s the dumbass who shot me.” 

                “Oh, I’m sorry.”  He placed a book on the tray over her bed.  “They had a copy of _The Handmaid’s Tale_.  I thought you might like that one – the main character is pretty resilient through a tough situation.   Not much mystery, but it’s a dystopian society.” 

                “I’ve read those.  Okay, well, I mean…I’ve read _1984_.” 

                “Another good one.  I’ll let you eat and read then I’ll be back in two hours to give the morphine.” 

                “Thanks.  Um…I know I get out tomorrow, but could you also put in my chart or wherever alerts go that I don’t want Sergeant Gary McCoy to visit me.” 

                “Of course.”  

                Jasper started reading the book and continued while she ate dinner and got so engrossed in the story, she wanted to continue by the time the nurse came in.  “This…this story is unbelievable.  I mean, it jumps around a lot and I wish we knew her name – her actual name.” 

                “I thought that spoke volumes about her status as an object.”

                “I can see that.”  Jasper noticed a syringe in his hand.  “Morphine time?” 

                “Yep.  Are you still in pain?” 

She shifted, her chest aching horribly and her arm throbbing under the bandages.  “Yeah, a bit.”

He pushed the medicine into her IV.  “This will help.  I’m going off duty, but the night nurse will be taking over.”

“Thanks for everything.”  She opened the book again once the nurse left, but very quickly her eyelids became too heavy to stay open.  Jasper placed the book on the tray and pushed it to the side of the bed before laying back to welcome a sleep devoid of dreams. 

*

                The next day, Matt came to her room as soon as he got off duty.  He held a bag of supplies from the commissary.  “I would have gotten you some special detergent to get the blood stains out, but I wasn’t sure what was good for that.” 

                “It’s okay – I know how.” 

                “You some kind of serial killer?” 

                “No, all women know how to get blood out of clothes…”

“All of them?” 

“Yeah, about every one over twelve.  But they had to cut my sleeve, so I ordered a new uniform jacket today.  There was no repairing that.” 

                Matt placed a hand on her cheek.  “How are you feeling?” 

                “Like a truck ran over my chest.  I can’t raise my arm up very far either so washing my hair is going to be interesting.” 

                “I brought baby wipes in case you couldn’t shower and saran wrap if you can, but you can’t get it wet.  Ibuprofen for pain and chocolate because that always makes people feel better.  A book – in case you’re bored.”  He held up a sappy romance novel she’d never so much as glance at. 

                “Barf.” 

                “Barf?” 

                Jasper laughed.  “You really think I read those?” 

                “I thought all you women read these cheesy things and had fantasies and…you know.” 

                She grabbed her chest as pain shot through her ribs.  “Don’t make me laugh.  Look, if I want to double-click my mouse, the internet has ample porn.  I don’t need to read that.”

                “You didn’t strike me as the kind of girl who watches porn.” 

                Jasper shrugged.  “I’ve been known to dabble.  Haven’t been too interested in anything sexual lately though…” 

                “It’s okay.”  Matt squeezed her shoulder.  “God, what an ass for shooting you.  They’ve gotta court marshal him now.” 

                “I hope so.  I may withdraw my statement though.”  She filled him in on Sergeant McCoy’s visit to her hospital room.  “I want to be brave, but knowing that he’s going to get in mass trouble for shooting me and after his threats, I just don’t think I can go through with this.”

                “Well, I think you’re right.  After he shot you and you know he’s capable of doing it again, sometimes you have to put logic above bravery.”

                “I don’t scare easily, Matt, but I’ve never been more scared of anyone or anything in my entire life.”

                “If we get lucky, hopefully he’ll get a dishonorable discharge.”

                She hoped so.  Jasper truly hoped that once this was all over, Sergeant McCoy would walk off base and out of her life for good.

*

                After the weekend, she was relieved to go back to work to break up the monotony of the day.  As expected, she was basically told to sit at a desk, do paperwork and not break anything.  It was the end of the week before she was once again called into Sergeant Major Jackson’s office and told to sit down.

                He paused a moment before speaking.  “In light of what’s happened to you, the other soldier has decided to withdraw her statement and not pursue charges against Sergeant McCoy.  I’ll be honest, as I’ve said before, it’s hard to prove something happened or didn’t happen without evidence.  He will face a court marshal for using live ammo during a training exercise and I’m not sure what the outcome of that will be.  Should you want to continue and push for him to have a court marshal over sexually assaulting you, I’m unsure the outcome would be what you want.” 

                “He shot me.  Why else would he shoot me if he didn’t do it?”

                “He claims it was a mistake.” 

                “No, a mistake is shooting someone once and then realizing ‘oh shit, I’m a dumbass using the wrong magazine’.  Not continuing to pump two more bullets into her.”

                “I believe you and I believe the other soldier, but it’s not up to me what happens to him and I’m only telling the likely outcome is that they’d look at the lack of evidence and throw it out.”

                Jasper sat quietly for a few moments and thought about that along with Sergeant McCoy’s threats.  She nodded slowly, her voice lowered.  “I’ll withdraw my statement too.” 

*

Amethyst

                By the time school let out for the summer, Amethyst had secured a job at the local YMCA.  She sat with Roselyn in the hospital cafeteria telling her all about it.  “I get a free membership, so I can use the pool.  I’m gonna buy a swim suit with my first paycheck.”  Getting together before support group had become the norm for Amethyst and Roselyn.  Amethyst would aim to pick out a healthy snack and Roselyn would sip her tea, mostly listening.  “The nutritionist said that I should help plan and maybe cook meals, my mom hears ‘Amethyst should make dinner every night’.  I’ve been looking up healthy recipes online and some of them haven’t been too bad.  Do you like to cook?” 

                “I’ve never done it.  We have a chef who makes our meals.” 

                Of course they did.  Amethyst sometimes forgot Roselyn barely lived in the real world.  “Maybe you could come to our house for dinner some night.  I can ask my mom.” 

                “I-I’m not so certain that would be possible.” 

                “Your parents don’t let you eat at friends’ houses?” 

                “Well, I can ask but I’m not sure Daddy would like it.” 

                “Why not?” 

                “He’s just very protective,” Roselyn said softly.

                “What do you usually do for the Fourth?” 

                “Oh, we go out on the yacht and watch the fireworks over Emerald City.” 

                It took everything in Amethyst not to say: ‘Of course you do.’  

                Roselyn sipped her tea and put it down slowly.  “However, this year, Daddy is off to Greece for some kind of business thing.  It may be easier to convince Mama.”

                “You said in a previous group session you want to be treated like other kids and that your rich friends were boring.  So, come hang out with some poor people.”  Amethyst smiled.  “C’mon.  My mom makes spare ribs…”

                “I’m a vegan.”

                Technically, Amethyst had never seen her eat anything – vegan or otherwise.  “I’ll make sure we have something you can eat.  My friend Peridot is coming so you’ll be around people your age and it’ll be fun lighting off fireworks.” 

                “Fireworks?  By ourselves?” 

                “Yeah, that’s what most people do.   It’s fun.  We usually go to the reservation to buy them because they have things you can’t get at other stands like bottle rockets.”

                “You mean the Indian reservation?” 

                “Um…Native American…and yes.” 

                “Is that what you are?” 

                Amethyst laughed.  “No.  I’m Samoan.  You don’t know much about the world, do you?” 

                “I suppose my education has been limited.  I’m not sure…is that in the Middle East?”

                She had to resist the urge to roll her eyes.  This was not the first time someone didn’t know where her parents had come from.  “No, South Pacific…kind of near Australia.

                “I’ve been there.  We went to Sydney over last Christmas, but our winter is their summer, so it was very warm.  Have you been?” 

                “No, I’ve only been out of the country once to go to Canada.  I was eight, so I don’t remember a lot.  I think we went to a zoo and Jasper wandered off on her own and we couldn’t find her for two hours.”  Amethyst laughed.  “She was sixteen and she’d convinced this guy she was nineteen – my dad found her with this dude in a bar halfway through both a drink and a cigarette, making out with a stranger.  I thought he was going to lose his shit.”

                “And Jasper’s your sister, right?” 

                “Chyeah.  She was grounded forever.”  Amethyst glanced at the clock.  “Crap, we’re late.” 

                “We could just skip.  I don’t understand how sitting in a circle and talking about our feelings is supposed to help me eat more.  They want me to eat over two thousand calories a day, Amethyst.  I-I’m not like those girls.  I eat a little bit and the fat just piles on.”

                “Dude, if I looked like you, I’d be eating, like, all the food.”  However, Amethyst knew it wasn’t that simple.  Roselyn’s mind made it so looking in a regular mirror was like looking in a fun-house mirror.  Her friend, no doubt, felt she was as large as Amethyst.  “Besides, my mom will kill me if I don’t go and you don’t want me to get in trouble, do you?” 

                “I suppose not.”  Roselyn smiled, her eyes brightening giving Amethyst hope that maybe both of them would be okay.

*

_July 2006_

Amethyst

                Amethyst had managed to talk her mom into buying a veggie tray and fixings for salad.  She forked over some of her own hard earned money for two packages of Gardenburgers.  “Maybe I’ll try one too,” she said as she helped her mom prepare for the barbecue.    

                “You are not going vegan,” Penina told her.  “I don’t understand how people live on lettuce.  When I was your age, we weren’t picky.  If someone was vegan in our village it’s because they weren’t good at fishing or hunting.” 

                Fetuao laughed.  “Or couldn’t go to the next village to hit up the store for meat.  Stop acting like you came from poverty.  You had stuff.” 

                “Not as much as you.  My village was small – only maybe a hundred people.  It wasn’t Pago Pago.”

                “No, but it was only two bus stops away from a large village with a store.  At least there was a store when I was there.  They had canned meat, canned fish and vegetables and even ice cream.  Remember that?  I visited you at the clinic because my _pe’a_ was infected and afterwards we went out for ice cream.” 

                Penina shook her head.  “I don’t remember.” 

                “You got pineapple flavor.” 

                “I don’t think that was me.” 

                Amethyst snickered.  “How many women did you date, Dad?  Ladies man much?”

                Her father grabbed one of the pickle slices barely able to pull his hand away as his wife tried to smack it.  “Hardly.  It was your mom and like this one other girl…” the story trailed off as Penina gave him an incredulous look.  “…I don’t even remember her name.”

                Amethyst tossed the salad to make sure all the vegetables were mixed in well.  “I love food too much to ever think about being vegan.  Besides, I’m not sure if Roselyn is really vegan or if it’s part of her illness.” 

                “Poor thing doesn’t seem to have a great support system at home,” Penina commented. 

                Amethyst heard the front door open and close.  “I think her parents are gone a lot.” 

                “It’s your favorite soldier,” Jasper announced as she came into the kitchen.  She wore a sleeveless shirt with a picture of a gun on it that showed her midriff and proclaimed ‘fighting is my life’ paired with cutoff denim shorts.  “Yum, pickles.”  She swiped one and leaned against the wall. 

                “You’re as bad as your father,” Penina said. 

                “Thanks.” 

                “And what happened to your arm?!”

                Jasper looked down at the stitches still in her skin right near a white patch on her bicep.  “I was injured in a training exercise.  It’s not serious.”

                “It’s gonna leave a scar.  What will Matt think?” her mother asked.  “Where is he anyway?  I was going to introduce him to the Larsens.” 

                “Matt will love me, scar or no.  He took a week of leave to visit his family in Pago Pago.  And I seriously doubt the Larsens care who I’m dating.”

                “Did you take time off?”  Amethyst asked. 

                “Just tomorrow.”  Jasper rummaged through the fridge and pulled out a beer.  “I plan to drink till I can’t feel feelings.  It’s okay if I crash in my old room, ri – hey!”

                Penina had grabbed the beer from her.  “You don’t need to start drinking before people come.  Did you invite Lacy?” 

                “Yeah, but Kyle’s only six weeks old, so she doesn’t want to bring him to a party yet.”  

                There was a knock at the door and Amethyst rushed to answer it.  Roselyn stood there in a pink sundress, a matching jacket that covered her shoulders and shoes with bows on them.  A hat covered her head, pulling the entire outfit together.  She carried a basket covered with a checkered towel.  Amethyst smiled at her friend.  “Hey, Roselyn.”  She looked around her friend at the Rolls Royce parked on the street.  “Is he gonna stay in the car the whole time?” 

                “Well, yes, of course.” 

                “Um…okay.  Come in.” 

                She stepped into the hallway and looked around.   “That’s beautiful.”  Roselyn approached the woven mat hanging on the wall, her eyes studying the intricate designs.  “Is is from Samoa?” 

                “It is.  My mom actually helped weave it before she came here.”

                “I did some research on the internet.  _Talofa_ is how you say hello, right?” 

                Amethyst smiled.  “Yes.  My parents speak English though.” 

                “Oh, I figured they did, I just thought…” 

                “We’re American.  Just relax; be yourself.” 

                Roselyn dropped her voice and Amethyst swore her accent faltered for a second.  “I’ve never been in a middle class home.” 

                “Well, I’ve never been in a mansion.  We’re just people, all of us.  We all put our pants on one leg at a time.” 

                “I-I never wear pants.” 

                “That’s not…come on.”  Amethyst guided her friend into the kitchen.  “Everyone, this is Roselyn.  Roselyn, my mom, dad and sister – Jasper.”

                “Mr. and Mrs. Palamo, thank you for welcoming me to your lovely home,” Roselyn said as though she’d rehearsed this.  “Perla made this for you.  It’s cornbread – Mama’s recipe.” 

                Penina accepted the basket from her.  “Thank you.  Is Perla your sister?” 

                “She’s our cook.” 

                “Amethyst says you’re vegan, so we have salad and rice and some Gardenburgers.  We also have corn and potatoes, lots of options for you.”  Penina beamed proudly.

                Roselyn smiled uneasily at all the food options.  “Thank you.”

                “I’m gonna show her my room.”  Amethyst led Roselyn upstairs.  “My parents’ room is at the end of the hall, the one with the ‘keep out’ sign is Jasper’s, bathroom and my room.”  Amethyst opened the door and turned on the light revealing the purple décor.  “I cleaned earlier, but otherwise it would be a mess.” 

                “It’s…small.”  Her eyes swept over the bed, desk and dresser.  “So, you sleep and study and get ready for the day right here…unless perhaps you have a vanity in your walk-in closet.” 

                Amethyst slid the door open.  “No walk-in, just a closet.  I assume your room is huge.” 

                “Yes.  Just the area for my bed is about the size of your living room downstairs.  Then I have my study with a desk and bookshelves, a walk-in closet and a nook about…” she surveyed the room.  “Three-quarters as big as this with a vanity and a chaise lounge.”  When Amethyst shook her head, Roselyn continued.  “It’s like a cross between a long chair and a small sofa.  Mine’s pink.” 

                Of course it was.

                “Oh, I have something for you too.”  She reached into the pocket of her dress and held out a purple piece of paper.  “I had this from our trip to Australia and thought maybe you’d like it.”

                Amethyst unfolded it and saw a portrait of a woman and a five printed on the upper corner.  “Is this like real Aussie money?” 

                “Yes.  Their money is so colorful compared to ours.” 

                “Is that the queen?” 

                “I-I’m not certain.” 

                “Thank you.  This is seriously cool.”  Amethyst stuck it on her picture board behind one of the ribbons on the corner.  She looked through the multiple photos of herself with Peridot, Jenny and Kiki and even a couple with Jasper.  “We need to get some pictures tonight.  I’ll put them up here with the five dollar bill.”  The doorbell rang.  “That must be Peridot.  She’s been my best friend, like, forever…well, since we were five.” 

                The girls went downstairs and out back onto the deck, Amethyst running ahead and practically knocking Peridot over with a hug.  Peridot laughed.  “You just saw me two days ago.”

                “Per, this is Roselyn.” 

                But Roselyn was more interested in Pearl, studying her face.  “My, you have perfect features and that hair – what color is that?” 

                Pearl’s cheeks turned red.  “Uh…strawberry blonde.”

                “You’re beautiful.” 

                “Th-thank you.” 

                Off to the side, Jasper snickered, quickly turning it into a cough.  Amethyst silently prayed that her sister and Pearl would behave themselves.  Surely they hadn’t dragged their high school drama into their twenties. 

                “Jasper, I see the dryer ate half your clothes, as usual,” Pearl commented. 

                Jasper patted her pockets and shrugged.  “I thought I had something for you but I’m completely out of fucks to give.”

                Roselyn gasped softly and gave Amethyst a wide-eyed look.  Amethyst laughed nervously.  “Yeah, she says the F-word a lot.”

                “My mama would wash my mouth with soap if I ever…” 

                “That’s not a bad idea.”  Penina gave Jasper a threatening look. 

                Her sister took a swig of beer.  “I prefer to wash my mouth out with alcohol.”

                Amethyst sat at the picnic table with her friends while Peridot asked Roselyn a billion questions, especially when it was revealed she owned a horse.  “Her name is Buttercup.  I don’t ride so much anymore as I’m prone to fainting.” 

                “But we’re both getting better,” Amethyst assured Peridot. 

However, she did notice Roselyn didn’t eat too much.  She chose one of the Gardenburgers that she cut into tiny pieces, pushing it around on her plate, occasionally taking a bite and some salad without dressing.  Amethyst felt herself becoming self conscious as she was on her second Gardenburger and even Jasper seemed to be controlling what she ate.  “Sis, usually you’d be like five ribs and three burgers deep by now.” 

                Pearl snickered.  “Yes, Jasper does enjoy having meat in her mouth, doesn’t she?’ 

                “Hey Pearl, you dropped something.”  Jasper flipped her off.  “I’m on desk duty at work until Monday so I can’t do physical training, but still need to fit into the Army’s rigid weight standards that don’t take muscle mass or the fact that I have boobs and an ass into consideration.”

                Amethyst had never even considered Jasper was concerned about her weight.  “They have a weight limit?” 

                “Yeah, and it’s the BMI scale, which is dumb.  BMI says once I hit one-eighty, I’m overweight, but I have a lot of muscle mass, which is more compact than fat.  BMI is stupid that way because I’m incredibly healthy and I don’t look overweight.  So, when it’s time for our physical test, I have to really try and eek my way down a few pounds under that because that’s where my weight likes to hover is right around one-eighty.”  Jasper sighed.  “And my next test is about a month after I get off desk duty…and that’s if my doctor clears me Monday.  If he doesn’t think my ribs are healed enough, they’ll put me back at the desk and tell me not to break anything.”

                “Your ribs?”  Peridot asked.  “I thought it was your arm.  What happened?” 

                “I got shot.”

                “Like…with a gun?”  Peridot’s eyes went wide. 

                “No, with a Super Soaker.  Yes with a gun.”

                “Goodness, how are you still alive?”  Roselyn asked. 

                “We wear bullet-proof vests, but those just keep the bullets from being lethal.  I had a lot of bruising and some cracked ribs.” 

                Roselyn looked at her in wonder.  “You use real bullets in training?”

                Jasper laughed.  “We’re not supposed to.  The guy who did it got busted down to private – that’s the lowest rank – and placed in another unit.  They’re set to deploy soon.” 

                “So, you’ve been over there in that awful war?  However did you survive?” 

                “It’s called training – they prepare us very well for it.” 

                “You must have seen some horrible things.”

                Jasper took a swig of beer.  “I try not to think about it.”

                “Well, I thank you for your brave service to our country.” 

                “It’s what I do.”

                Before they knew it the air turned a bit cooler as the sun began slipping behind the trees.  Amethyst and Peridot grabbed their haul of fireworks from the garage.  “Hey, sis, can I have one of your beer bottles?” 

                Jasper finished what had to be her third bottle and handed it to her.  “Knock yourself out.”

                “Don’t say that to her before she sets off fireworks,” her dad told her.

                “You’ve never done this, have you?”  Amethyst asked Roselyn.  She rinsed out the bottle with the garden hose and walked to the middle of the street with her friends.  “This is a bottle rocket because you put it in a bottle like so.”  Amethyst flicked the lighter and put it to the fuse until it began to sparkle.  “Run, run, run!”

                The girls sprinted up the driveway turning around as the rocket whistled up into the sky and exploded in a burst of light against the darkening sky.  Roselyn laughed.  “Wow!” 

                “Hey, girls, before it gets too dark – say cheese!”  Peridot’s father pointed a camera at them and snapped a picture. 

                Roselyn was enchanted by the sparklers, waving a red one around before her eyes like she’d never done this before.  All up and down the street small explosions rang out celebrating the holiday.  It was when a bunch of them went off at once in bursts of lightning and piercing the air like a barrage of bullets that a scream from the porch made her stop and look.  Jasper sat on the steps with her hands at her ears, eyes open wide, darting to the side as another firecracker went off.  Her dad helped her up and quickly went with her into the house.

                “What’s wrong with Jasper?”  Peridot asked. 

                “I dunno.”  Amethyst shrugged, lit a firecracker that looked like a bee before throwing it into the street and watching it skitter around. 

                Roselyn waved her sparkler – a blue one this time.  “I like this – the way you celebrate.  You and Peridot’s families are so different, but you come together and make it a celebration.  It’s like the differences don’t matter.” 

                “They don’t,” Peridot told her.  “That’s the great thing about America.  We have different traditions but they can come together to create something amazing.  That’s one thing we celebrate, right?” 

                Roselyn looked over as her driver approached.  “I guess I should get going.  Mama doesn’t want me home after midnight.”  She gave Amethyst a light hug.  “Thank you.” 

                “Are you leaving already?”  Penina approached them.  “Would you like some food to take home?” 

                “Wh-why?” 

                “It’s what people do when they have a lot to share,” Amethyst explained.  “But you don’t have to.” 

                “I’d better not, but I hope – if it’s okay – I can come back next year.” 

                Penina gave her a smile.  “You’re always welcome.”

                Roselyn thanked them again and walked to the car with her driver.  Amethyst felt her mom put an arm around her and speak softly.  “You’ve been a very good friend to her and it seems like she needs friends.  I’m proud of you, Ames.” 

                They were words she hadn’t heard before…not from her mom, but it made her smile and she was grateful for her family and friends helping her through this difficult journey.  For the first time in a while, she was really certain she’d make it through and she had hope that so would Roselyn.


	12. Skin Deep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My beta-reader's computer is out for repairs and won't be back until mid-January, but I really did want to update this for you guys, especially since...-drumroll-...the fic is finished. I had surgery mid-December (nothing serious and I'm okay), so while recovering I typed the rest of it out. 
> 
> So, as of 1/6/19 this is the un-betaed chapter, but I will update it once she reads it and gives her corrections.

**Chapter 12 –Skin Deep  
**

_July 2006_

Jasper

                “I just don’t know what happened,” Jasper told Derek at her next visit.  “I’ve never had a problem with fireworks, but they started going off and I just freaked out.  I don’t ‘freak out’.  I had to go inside and my dad gave me benedryl and tequila until I fell asleep on the couch.” 

                “It reminded you of the war?” 

                Jasper nodded.  “It sounded just like guns and bombs and it was like if I closed my eyes I was back there.  I remembered watching my friends die…how I couldn’t save Ruby…” 

                Derek made a few notes.  “You know there may have been nothing you could do to save her or any of them.” 

                “I know and I know they knew the sacrifice they might be making.  I just think how fucking lucky I was…I should have been dead too.”

                “Survivor’s guilt is a very real thing, but you made it and you have to believe you did so for a reason.” 

                “Why?  To come home – marry Matt – have a few kids?” 

                “Perhaps to continue serving.” 

                “How will I go back if fireworks scare me?  How can I be around the guns and bombs…especially after being shot – I don’t know what going back will be like.  No, that’s a lie – I’ll be in ‘soldier mode’ – I’ll put all my human feelings aside and, you know, maybe that’s why it catches up to me now – when I’m home.  I know I can express my feelings here because I’m safe.”

                “That’s right.  I suspect last night you felt safe with your dad, right?   You felt that you could cry in his presence.   You said he was a veteran, so he probably understands where you’re coming from.” 

                Jasper sighed.  “Except he never saw a lot of action.  The only story he’s ever told us is the banana story.” 

                “The banana story?” 

                “He and one of his buddies – Matt’s dad – wandered off and found all these banana trees growing in this jungle area, so they thought that all the men would appreciate some fresh fruit.  So they grab to bushels each and go back to meet their unit.”  Jasper laughed a little.  “And when they get back their sergeant is talking with this Vietnamese man.  It turns out that they and all the banana trees were on his property and the sergeant was negotiating to get some fruit for everyone.  Thankfully the guy found it funny and threw in the four bushels my dad and Josh had stolen.”

                “Do you have a good story from your time over there?” 

                “Well, there was a time that Sergeant McCoy insinuated that Ruby was there to make sandwiches for everyone, so the major set him to work at dinner that night.  He wasn’t too happy about it.  Did I tell you what happened to him after he shot me?”  She filled Derek in on McCoy’ demotion.  “So, it sounds like he’ll be heading back before the end of the month.  I bet his wife is furious – privates make a lot less than sergeants.”

                “You said you’ll be up for promotion this year.  Do you think you’ll go for it?” 

                “I don’t see why not.  Nowhere to go but up and I have two years left on my contract.  Maybe it’ll be different as a sergeant.  I’ll get to give orders instead of just taking them.  I’ll be able to help plan battle strategies.  Hopefully, I’ll be able to do so in a way that minimizes fatalities.”

                “So, when you go over, you’ll feel more in charge – more confident?” 

                “If I make it to sergeant, yes, but multiple people are interviewed.  I don’t know that I will.” 

                “I’d still try to keep that confidence.  Remember, your experiences don’t define you.  You can go back to war and face your enemy…and survive.  You’re strong.  You were able to go to your major and tell him what your sergeant did to you and even if it wasn’t resolved the way you wanted, that was a big step in your healing.” 

                “Yeah, then he fucking shot me over it.”

                “Remind yourself he can’t hurt you anymore.  And the more you’re able to remind yourself of that the more you’re able to…” 

                “Move on and heal.” 

                “Exactly.  It’s the same with your war experiences.  They’re memories – bad ones – but you’re home and you’re safe.  Things like fireworks can be triggering – remember we talked about triggers – and when something triggers bad memories you need to remember that you’re safe.  Take a breath, remind yourself where you are.”

                Jasper nodded.  “I’m trying.” 

                “You’re making excellent progress.  I have no doubt you’re going to get a good point where your mental health is concerned.  You’re on the right track.”

                As she left her appointment that day, she tried to remember that…to take things day by day rather than looking at the big picture, but she wondered if she’d really ever be able to fully move on.

*

                Jasper huffed alongside Matt as they ran around base preparing for their fitness test coming up.  “I have got to shed a few pounds.  I shouldn’t have had so much beer on the Fourth.”  Her boyfriend had returned that week, but between their training and duties they hadn’t had much time for socializing.  “How was your holiday?” 

                “It was good.  I missed home so much and it was great seeing everyone.  I talked a lot about you.” 

                “All bad I hope.”  She winked at him. 

                “They’d like to meet you – my parents and sisters.” 

                “We could always video chat with them.” 

                “Actually, I was thinking…will you have enough leave to take a week at Thanksgiving?”

                “Yeah…why?” 

                “We could fly out there and visit them maybe.”

                Jasper almost stopped in her tracks, but pushed forward.  She wasn’t aware they were far enough in their relationship for them to go on vacation together, much less traveling all the way across the Pacific to meet his family.  “That’s a long way.” 

                “It is, but you’ve never been there and I’m sure you’d like to see where your dad is from, right?” 

                “True, but Thanksgiving isn’t for months.” 

                “And you gotta put your leave in well in advance – especially for a holiday.  Besides, I’ve spent a November here and it’s cold and rainy and American Samoa is tropical and sunny, so this is a good idea.” 

                “Tropical like alone time on a white, sandy beach?” 

                “That could be arranged, yeah.”  He caught her, spinning her around and kissed her gently.  “We could even sneak away for a night…stay in a little beach _fale_ …just us and the waves and the sand…and us…”

                “You said that already.  So, I have a feeling if I go we won’t be in the same room.” 

                “At my parents’ place – no way.  They’ll probably have you in the furthest room from mine.”

                “My parents are the same.  They know I’ve had sex, but they’re not thrilled. Okay, actually, my dad doesn’t want to hear about it, but knows I’m an adult.  My mom thinks I’m a horrible sinner.”

                Matt let go and began running alongside her again.  “Yeah, but it’s not like it was back in the day.  People have sex before marriage now, you know – it’s normal.” 

                “Heh, in her mind I’m awful for having sex and getting pregnant…”

                “Okay, but that was not your fault.” 

                “Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly tell her circumstances.  I know she’s hard on me, but she’s still my mom and it would hurt her and she’d tell my dad and it would probably hurt him worse.  I can’t tell them.”

                “Maybe someday.” 

                “Yeah, maybe.” 

                “So, another question – you up for a mud run in September?” 

                “Mud run?” 

                “Yeah, the Marines are setting it up – it’s a 5K with multiple obstacles and you get down and dirty.  It’s like a flashback to boot camp.  I think we should do it.” 

                “Sounds like a blast.”  Jasper laughed.  “I should get my sister to do it.  I can’t wait to see her reaction.” 

*

                “Are you effing kidding me?”  Amethyst asked as she was out shopping with Jasper.  She’d just received an invitation to Roselyn’s sweet sixteen party and to her chagrin, the theme was pink.  Amethyst made a face at a pink dress on the rack that was misplaced and obviously too small.  “A mud run?”

                “It’s a 5K – it’s not even that far.” 

                “What’s that in miles?” 

                “About three.” 

                Her sister whimpered.  “Three miles?  I can barely do one at school…walking.”

                “You can walk it and it says in the description that you can opt out of any of the obstacles.  C’mon, you were worried about gaining weight – this is a way that you can eat what your doctors want you to and maintain where you’re at.  You have a free membership at the Y through your job.  Start on the treadmill, a little at a time.”

                “Chyeah, I’ll still probably never look like you.”  Amethyst sighed. 

                “You’re not meant to look like me.” 

                Amethyst held up a really fluffy monstrosity.  “Yay for clearance rack prom dresses.” 

                “Barf, that’s ugly.” 

                “Why pink?  I look better in purple.”  

                “So wear purple.  Maybe some pink accessories.  Just tell your friend you couldn’t find anything in pink.  Hey, hot pink.”  Jasper showed her a dress that was strapless and much shorter than her mother would ever let her wear. 

                “Yikes.  Not sure that’s what Roselyn had in mind.  She’s very…uh…conservative.” 

                “Yeah, I remember from the Fourth.  Say, is her accent real?” 

                “I don’t know.  Sometimes I swear it falters, but she says her ‘daddy’s from Jahr-jyah,’” Amethyst mimicked her accent.  “So I guess it’s possible she’d have one, but I think her mom’s from here and she was raised here.  Maybe they wanted her to have an accent or something.  You know rich people, they’re weird.”

                “If I wanted my kid to have an accent, it would be Australian.” 

                “Damn right – fuckin’ sexy.” 

                “Hmmm-hm,” Jasper agreed.  “But no, my kid’s gonna be American and have an accent to match.”

                “I want to teach mine another language like when they’re little so it sticks.” 

                “Well, Mom’s going to insist they speak Samoan.” 

                “Yeah, but you’re so much better at that.  I’m really good at understanding it, but Mom always said I spoke it funny, so I sort of stopped.”  Amethyst gave an aggravated sigh upon finding another ugly pink dress.  “Besides, everyone in the community speaks English.  Mom only wants us to learn in case we ever go to Samoa…” 

                Jasper nodded as she considered a red dress.  “Something about you’re not really Samoan unless you speak it.  Matt mentioned that too.  He…uh…asked me to go to Pago Pago with him…and meet his family.”

                “What did you say?” 

                “I said I would.” 

                “Hey, that dress is nice.  Is it my size?” 

                “No, it’s mine.”  Jasper held it up to herself.  “I haven’t worn a dress since prom though.” 

                “You should try it on.  I mean, maybe Matt wants to take you somewhere special someday…you know, ask you a question.” 

                Jasper laughed and draped the dress over her arm.  “I don’t think we’re anywhere near that.” 

                “He wants to bring you all the way to Samoa to meet his family.  What do you think happens next?”

                “You’re in high school.  What do you know about what happens next?”

                “I’m still trying to get a boy to date me.” 

                “Stop trying; be you.  The boys will come around.” 

                Amethyst sighed.  “You know, I think I will wear that purple dress – the one I wore to the spring dance – and just put some pink jewelry on or something.  Why do designers think empire waists are in style?  Anyone bigger than Roselyn and they look pregnant.”  She followed her sister to the dressing rooms.  “Hey, speaking of which…have you and Matt…you know?” 

                “Personal much, Ames?”  

                Amethyst sat on a plush couch in the middle of the dressing room area while her sister was in a stall trying the dress on.  “C’mon, Jasps, I wanna see.”

                “Hold your horses!”  Finally, she emerged, the red dress hugging her curves, stopping just above her knees.  The straps were off the shoulder and the neckline plunged down to show enough cleavage to be seductive, but not slutty.  It looked off with Jasper in flip-flops and her hair pulled back in a pony tail. 

                “Damn.  H-hang on.”  Amethyst circled behind her sister and pulled out the elastic tie holding her hair back.  She watched as Jasper shook it out.  “You could definitely use some layers…maybe a bit of coloring.” 

                “You really think it looks okay?  I feel weird in it…dresses aren’t me.” 

                “If you don’t buy this dress I will lose all respect for you and hit you.” 

                Jasper looked down at her, hands on her hips, her biceps flexing under her banded skin.  “Try it.”  She turned, running one hand along her butt as she studied it in the mirror.  “Definitely does something for me back there.”

                “Get. The. Dress.”

                “Okay Miss Bossy, geez.”  Jasper returned to the stall and took a moment to look at herself in the mirror.  She struck a pose.  It was like this dress had been made for her.  She considered what Amethyst had said about her hair and supposed she should make an appointment at the salon.  As much as she wasn’t a fan of dresses, she smiled as she imagined Matt’s reaction when he saw her in it…or maybe when he was slipping it off of her.

*

_August 2006_

Amethyst

                Amethyst felt bad – she really did – that Peridot’s sweet sixteen had been reduced to a small dinner with her family and best friend.  They had gone to Red Robin where Amethyst felt the temptation to gorge herself on the bottomless steak fries.  She’d shown restraint knowing that the very next day was Roselyn’s party.  She had gone home looking forward to visiting Roselyn’s place, which she was pretty sure would be a mansion.  She guessed they would have all sorts of delicious food and a huge cake.  Roselyn had told her it would be raspberry champagne flavor.  Amethyst wasn’t sure what that would taste like, but it sounded divine.

                And finally, Saturday came.  Amethyst did her makeup and slid on the same purple dress she’d worn to the spring formal, pleased to find it still fit.  She made sure her friend’s gift was wrapped beautifully.  She knew Roselyn would probably get much better, more expensive gifts, but Amethyst hoped she’d like the charm bracelet with the pink rose charm and one of a gold heart. 

                She slid a headband of pink flowers on her head and then quickly changed her mind.  It looked juvenile.  They were sixteen now, after all.  Some princesses in fairy tales were married at sixteen.  It was the age of maturity.  Roselyn said later that year she’d ‘enter society’ in a debutante ball.  She’d be old enough to date boys her parents approved of.  Her friend was excited about wearing high heels.  Amethyst slipped her own feet into silver sandals with a slight heel.  She wiggled her toes, admiring the nail polish she’d applied that morning. 

                “You be careful, okay?  Don’t talk to strangers on the bus,” her mother said. 

                “I’ve taken the bus multiple times.” 

                “This one takes an hour to get to your stop and then it’s a mile away from Roselyn’s house.” 

                Amethyst suppressed the urge to roll her eyes, knowing if she did, her mom may not let her go.  “And Roselyn says there’s a car that will meet me there.”

                “You be on your best behavior and remember to thank her parents for inviting you.”  Penina hugged her.

                Her dad gave her a smile.  “You look great, Peanut.”

                “Thanks.  Well, bye.” 

                Walking the short distance to the bus stop, she felt as beautiful as her sister had looked in that red dress.  She was wearing a pretty dress too and she imagined herself just as tall and confident.  Hell, she _was_ confident as she boarded the bus and took a seat by the window where everyone could see her flawless makeup.  Amethyst tossed her long hair over her shoulder pretending she had streaks of purple in it that matched her dress.  She slid her sunglasses on to hide from the sun’s glare.  She was mysterious and beautiful and any guy watching the bus go by was enamored by her wondering who she was and where she was going. 

                Watching the scenery fly by helped and before she knew it, she’d arrived near a posh area of Emerald City where she got off at a stop near a shopping area.  There were a few stores she knew the names of and some restaurants including a buffet.  God, she was so hungry, but soon she’d be at Roselyn’s eating fancy food she’d only ever dreamed of. 

                Amethyst looked around and saw a sleek, black town car with a driver who was also searching the area.  Her confidence waned a little as she remembered her parents telling her long ago not to get in the car with strangers.  But this car was sent by Roselyn’s family.  “Hey, I think you’re picking me up?” 

                “You Amethyst Palamo?” he asked in a deep voice. 

                “Yeah.” 

                He removed his sunglasses and smiled at her, his eyes friendly.  “I’m Tony.  I’ll be driving you up there.” 

                “Thanks.”  Amethyst went to open the door herself, but he grabbed it first and motioned for her to get in.  She slid onto the leather seat in the back and buckled up, removing her sunglasses as she silently gave thanks for the tinted windows.  “This is a nice car.” 

                Tony chuckled.  “You ain’t from money, are you?” 

                “No.  You?” 

                “I get by alright now.  The pay is decent and I get to drive this sweet ride.  Mostly drive Roselyn and she’s the nicest of them.”  He pulled the car onto the road and headed up the street.  “She invited you?”  When Amethyst nodded, he continued.  “That’s gotta be a first.  Well, don’t be shocked when you get there and you’re the only one adding a much-needed splash of color to all her rich friends who are clones of each other.  All them skinny, blonde-haired girls whose biggest problem is whether to buy that new thoroughbred or not, you know.  I call one of them Madeline.  ‘Oh heavens no, Tony,’” he mimicked Roselyn’s accent.  “‘That’s Amanda’.  Sorry, Miss, your friends all look the same.”

                He guided the car up a long driveway and around a fountain before stopping in front of the largest house – mansion, really – that Amethyst had ever seen.  Tony must’ve sensed the awe she was feeling that gave into a sudden lack of the confidence she’d recently held.  “Look girl, you go in there and be you.  I know Roselyn will be glad you came.”

                Amethyst stepped out of the car, smoothed her dress and walked up the steps to the huge double doors.  Her heart skipped nervously and she checked her purse for the third time since she’d left home to make triple sure she’d remembered Roselyn’s gift.  Exhaling slowly she rang the bell and stood there for a moment waiting for someone to answer.  She folded her hands in front of her instead of putting them on her hips or crossing her arms, as not to look impatient.  She was about to press the button again when a woman in a maid outfit answered and smiled at her.  “Welcome.  Are you here for the party?” 

                “Yes…I mean, yes ma’am.” 

                The maid smiled and spoke with a soft accent.  “You can call me Perla like everyone else.  Do you have your invitation?” 

                Amethyst dug the pink envelope out of her purse and handed it to her then followed her into the mansion.  The floor was marble and two staircases curved around and up to another story.  Entryways were visible and Amethyst wondered where they went to.  The walls were lined with paintings and elegant mahogany furniture had vases of fresh flowers on them.  She’d never been in such a fancy home.  It looked like something out of a magazine or TV show.

                “Perla, who is that?” 

The voice belonged to a man with an accent the same as Roselyn’s.  Amethyst turned to see a man dressed in a white suit, which she felt was an odd choice, though it complemented his dark blond hair and mustache.  She remembered her mother’s instructions to be on her best behavior and Tony’s advice about being herself.  “You must be Roselyn’s dad.  Hi, I’m Amethyst.” 

His pale eyes flickered to her extended hand, but he made no move to shake it.  “You’re…Amethyst?  Roselyn never mentioned…do you have your invitation?” 

                Perla held it out to him.  “Yes, she has.” 

                He scanned it and gave an apologetic smile.  “I’m afraid your invitation is not valid.  You’ll have to leave.” 

                Amethyst’s heart sank and disbelief filled her.  “What?  But…she handed it to me…we’ve talked about it for the past few weeks…she’s expecting me.” 

                “It appears there is information she withheld from me and I’m not entirely comfortable with you attending her party…or having influence over my daughter.” 

                “You don’t even _know_ me,” defiance tinged her voice.  “I traveled an hour by bus to get here.” 

                “I suppose I could have Tony drive you back if getting home is a problem, but you may not attend my daughter’s party.” 

                There was no apology and, as far as Amethyst had heard, no valid reason.  He’d only simply _looked_ at her and decided she wasn’t allowed to be there.  

                Roselyn’s father motioned for the maid to step to the side with him and spoke in hushed tones though Amethyst could still here.  “Perla, take care of this please.  I’d prefer she not cause a scene.” 

                “Sir, I rarely argue, but she has come a long way…”

                “We are not discussing it any further.  Get that colored girl off my property.” 

                The ugly reality of the situation stung and angry heat burned in her cheeks.  But that couldn’t be.  Tony was black and Perla was Latina, so why wasn’t Amethyst allowed in the house or at the party?  Then she realized – they were hired to work there.  She could try to say something, but what?  To scream at him, to lose her cool and call him a dick would only serve to solidify some prejudice he already had about her.  She watched as he walked off.  She hadn’t even seen her friend. 

                Perla came over and offered a sad smile.  “I’m so sorry, but you do have to go now.” 

                Her eyes stung and she swallowed trying to keep her throat from constricting. “Um, could you make sure Roselyn gets my gift?  Please.”

                She took the small box from Amethyst and squeezed her hand.  “Of course.  You should know Roselyn isn’t like her father.” 

                “I know.”  But in this environment how long before she started thinking that way?  Amethyst left the impressive house, which had lost its allure for her.  There was no sign of Tony, but she honestly didn’t want to accept any favors from Roselyn’s family.  She began walking down the driveway and didn’t allow herself to cry until she was out on the sidewalk again.

                Amethyst wiped her tears away and cried harder when she saw a smear of dark eye liner on her hand.  Great, now she wasn’t perfect or pretty or any such thing.  Now she was just a silly teenage girl crying over not being able to go to a party.  Except she wasn’t.  She was crying because she’d never encountered this level of blatant racism before.  Living in a very tolerant and liberal area of the country, she’d never expected it.  She knew it happened – she did – but she’d never expected it here and now. 

                She put her sunglasses on and began a long walk back to the bus stop.  Her stomach was a ball of nerves, tense and growling.  She was also starving.  She’d skipped lunch so she could feast on good food at the party.  Upon arriving, she saw a group of people waiting at the tiny stop and hung back from the crowd.  Her parents expected her to be gone for hours.  Her dad wasn’t going to pick her up from the stop close to home until nine or so.  It was only five.  She looked behind her at the small shopping center.  She didn’t have a ton of money, but there was a thrift store there – the same kind she had near her house.  She wiped the sweat off her forehead and rolled her eyes at the makeup that had come off.  At least they’d have air conditioning.

                Then the delicious smell of food found her nose and her stomach complained loudly.  Her eyes found the sign for the buffet, but she felt silly being all on her own in a fancy dress.  She stepped into the thrift store and she browsed the racks, finding a pair of jeans in her size and a white tank top with a bedazzled neckline and a flag on it.  At least it was only two dollars being Fourth of July leftovers, but the pants were twenty.  Yeah, I don’t think so, she thought.  She grabbed a pair of sweatpants with the sale color tag.  She gathered a few more items including a gold necklace with a flower pendant on it and a handkerchief with an ‘A’ embroidered on it in purple.  She piled on a few more items she never intended to buy.  She browsed the book section and picked out a teen romance novel that looked decent and was fifty cents on sale.  Once in the dressing room, she switched the tags on the pants so the jeans would only cost her three dollars and plucked the tags from the handkerchief and necklace and sliding them into a pocket in her purse she then zipped up.  She tried on the jeans and found they were a little loose, smiling at that.  Finally ready, she took the clothes and book to the register. 

                Every time she did this her heart pounded nervously, but as usual, the girl at the register who looked about her age didn’t seem to care.  She just rung up her purchases, handing them to her in a bag and telling her to have a nice day, her voice devoid of sincerity.  Amethyst ducked into the bathroom and changed into the casual clothes, tossing her dress into the plastic bag before leaving the store and heading toward the buffet.  Yay to a few hours of sitting around eating and reading her book.   

                The buffet was filled with mostly old people and she paid for dinner before claiming a corner table with her bag from the store on a chair and her book on the table.  She skipped the salad bar and went straight for the meat section, piling her plate with ham, roast beef, fried chicken and two rolls with butter.  She filled a second plate with mashed potatoes and gravy, onion rings, waffle fries and two scoops of corn.  She sat down and delved into the book while mindlessly shoveling food into her mouth.  She sat there after the plates were clean allowing herself to feel full for a little while, then went to the bathroom to get rid of it. 

                And back to the buffet Amethyst went.  She imagined what she’d tell her parents.  They couldn’t know the truth – it would upset them.  They’d been so nice and welcoming to Roselyn and Amethyst had been turned away at her friend’s house.  She wondered if Roselyn knew.  What if she’d been told Amethyst had simply never showed up?   

                Another trip to the bathroom.  A plate full of dessert followed as she tried to concentrate on her book, but hearing the words Roselyn’s dad had said to her and about her over and over in her mind.  What would she tell her own father when he picked her up and saw she was wearing these clothes?  She’d say the party was awesome.  She’d say it was amazing and she’d eaten delicious food and danced and that Roselyn had loved her gift.  She’d tell them it ended earlier than she’d anticipated and she’d had a chance to duck into the thrift store.  They’d believe that, right? 

                She hoped they would.  That way they’d never have to know what was said or worry about her friendship with Roselyn.  Roselyn wasn’t like her dad; she was a good person.  But after everything, would she still be Amethyst’s friend or would they have to go their separate ways?

*

                Amethyst didn’t tell Flo about the buffet or about stealing from the thrift shop.  She honestly felt embarrassed and horrible about dealing with her problems that way.  She’d been doing so well and she didn’t want one incident to possibly land her in an inpatient program.  However, she did tell her therapist all about the run-in with Roselyn’s father.  “I can’t believe he did that.  I’m not a different species or something and he doesn’t even know anything about me or what kind of influence I have on his daughter.  News flash – it’s really none.  In fact, Roselyn seems to be getting better since being my friend.”

                “Racism is a disgusting thing,” Flo told her. 

                “Chyeah, no duh!   God, I wanted to punch him, but it’s kind of a stereotype that we’re violent, so that wouldn’t have exactly made me look good.” 

                “Stereotype or not, violence is never a healthy way to solve things.” 

                “Like Mom would tell me to use my words…” 

                Flo made a note on her clipboard.  “It’s almost impossible to reason with someone who has a racist mindset.  I think you did exactly the only thing you could.  You understood it wasn’t a situation you could talk yourself out of, so you held your head high and walked out with class.”

                Amethyst scoffed.  “Yeah, I dunno about ‘class.’”

                “You are more than your skin color.  Just like you’re more than your eating disorder.  These things are part of you, but they do not define you.  You are your own unique person beyond any physical trait or event in your life.  True friends will see this and not the other things.  Why do you think Roselyn likes you?” 

                “Because I’m awesome.  I mean, I think her life is very proper and kind of boring.  Her driver said all her friends were the same.  I’m different from the other people she knows.  I’m part of the real world – a glimpse into something beyond her structured upbringing.”

                “And I think she sees who you are on the inside.  I’m sure whatever she’s been told, she’ll listen and understand what happened.”

                Amethyst was still nervous as she left her appointment and went to the cafeteria.  Roselyn was not there.  She bought her standard pudding and iced tea and sat at a round table waiting.  Usually she’d talk to her friend and wished she’d brought her book.  It was ten minutes to support group before she heard the unmistakable sound of heels hurrying toward the table and Roselyn practically fell into a chair.  “Oh my goodness, there was so much traffic, but I knew I had to talk to you.”

                “I came to your party, but your dad…”

                Roselyn covered Amethyst’s hand with hers, the charm bracelet dangling from her thin wrist.  “I know.  Perla told me everything.  I am so sorry.  Daddy’s not really a bad person…he just thinks differently…”

                “No, thinking differently and racism are two completely separate things.  He wouldn’t let me go to your party because I’m not white.  That’s sick.”  

                “I-I don’t think that way…I don’t…I wanted you there.” 

                Amethyst sat back and crossed her arms.  “You didn’t tell him I was Pacific Islander.”

                “I didn’t know he would be there.  Mama wouldn’t care – she’d love you – and I thought he’d still be away on business, but he came home early to surprise me.  You don’t really think I’m…like him…do you?”

                She couldn’t be mad at Roselyn.  She believed her friend, especially since she was wearing the gift Amethyst had given her.  “Of course I don’t.  So…are you and Perla close?” 

                Roselyn nodded and smiled.  “She’s worked for the family as long as I can remember.  She used to sing this song to me in Spanish – La Cucaracha.  Do you know it?”

Amethyst laughed.  “Yeah, everyone knows that song.”

“I speak fluent French, but that’s the only Spanish I know.” 

“I’ve taken two years of Spanish in school and I can hardly order a taco.” 

                “I don’t think I’ve ever eaten a taco.” 

                “What?!”  Amethyst took a sip of her iced tea.  “Well, we should go out for tacos.” 

                “Oh, well, do they have vegan tacos?”

                “Pfffft, no – no vegan tacos.  C’mon, you’re in treatment for an eating disorder.  Don’t you want to come back next week and tell the group you ate a whole taco?  Your therapist will probably be proud of you.  So will your nutritionist.  I bet it would even make your mama happy.” 

                Roselyn was silent for a moment, her mouth twisted up as she thought.  “Can it…can it be a healthy taco?  With vegetables…maybe I could try some beans on it.” 

                “In it.  And sure.  Next week after group, we’re going out.  No changes, no excuses.” 

                Her friend gave her a genuine smile.  “Well, okay then.  It’s a plan.”


	13. Confessions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's taking a while, but hopefully it's worth the wait!

** Chapter 13 - Confessions **

_August 2006_

Amethyst

                Amethyst finished wiping the mirror in the women’s locker room and studied herself in it.  YMCA shirt and pulled back hair…wow…she was stunning.  Not.  She pulled the shirt tighter around her and frowned at her tummy.  Maybe having tacos with Roselyn later wasn’t such a good idea. 

                “Hey, Amethyst, how’s it going?”  Auntie Su asked as she stopped in front of the mirror and tucked some loose hair behind her ear. 

                “It’s okay, I guess.”  She looked at Su.  She was certain the woman had babysat her a time or two when she was younger, but then in their community, everyone looked out for the kids.  That’s likely what her auntie was doing when she helped Amethyst get this job.  “Teaching more dance classes?” 

                “Yep.  You should try it sometime.  Zumba’s a personal favorite of mine.  I’m also helping Linda with her hula classes.  The kids are so cute.  My daughter’s in the class.  I’m trying to teach her to _siva Samoa,_ but she gets the moves confused.  Five-year-olds, right?”

                Damn, it sure didn’t look like Su had a kid.  Maybe she wasn’t as muscular, but she was built much like Jasper.  “My mom said she used to dance.  I think she tried teaching Jasper, but not me.”

                “You have the perfect curves for it.  You’re welcome to come to my place and I’ll give you lessons.  We have to pass it on sometime or it’ll die when we do.” 

                “Please, you can’t be much older than my sister.  You’re not dying anytime soon.”

                “Well, think about it.”  Su smoothed out the front of her shirt.  “It’ll be fun and it’s exercise.” 

                Amethyst looked at herself in the mirror again as her auntie left.  She placed her hands on her hips.  Maybe she was more than just fat…she was curvy.  Perhaps dance would be the best way to show off those curves.

*

                Amethyst laughed at Peridot’s driver’s permit picture.  “Oh geez, you didn’t even bother to comb your hair.” 

                “I did too!”  Peridot snatched it away.

                “That’s okay.  My face looks super fat in mine.”  Amethyst unwrapped a taco and looked at Roselyn.  “Are you taking driver’s ed?” 

                “Why?   I can just get Tony to drive me if need be.”  Roselyn looked around, her eyes falling on the condiment and napkin area.  “Do they have silverware here?” 

                “It’s Taco Bell, so no.”  Amethyst picked up her taco and crunched into it.  “I still can’t believe you’ve never eaten a taco.”

                “It’s not something our cook makes.”  Roselyn picked up one of the tomato chunks with her fingers and put it in her mouth.  “Are the vegetables organic?” 

                “No…they’re the opposite of organic.  Full of God only knows what.”  Over the course of lunch, she told Roselyn about the mud run and how she’d convinced Peridot to go with her.  “Jasper says she’ll take us out for ice cream later.” 

                “Oh, I haven’t had ice cream in years,” Roselyn said.  “Once I started getting really good in ballet and they said I could go all the way, I started dieting.” 

                “Do you still dance?”  Peridot asked. 

                Roselyn sadly shook her head.  “Not since I got sick.”

                “Pearl used to dance ballet,” Peridot told her.  “My parents installed a _barre_ in our basement so she could practice.” 

                “My parents did something similar…” 

                “Let me guess, they built you your own studio,” Amethyst said. 

                “But…it was fairly small…” Roselyn’s cheeks turned as pink as her dress.  “Is this sour cream fat free?” 

                “No, it’s probably the full fat kind.”  Amethyst took another bite.  “Don’t worry about it; just eat it.”

                “Besides, they put all sorts of sugar and other additives in fat free dairy to make it taste better,” Peridot pointed out as she pushed her glasses up.  “Despite being higher in calories, full fat is actually healthier for you.”  She shrugged when Amethyst gave her a look.  “What?  I read it in a health magazine at the doctor’s office.”

                “Are you sick too?”  Roselyn asked.  “Like us?” 

                “No...I was just there for a checkup.” 

                “That must be nice.  Every time I go in it’s usually low iron or electrolytes…or something…gets my parents’ attention anyway.” 

                “You don’t see them much, do you?”  Amethyst sat back in her chair.  “And I’m always bitching that my mom’s constantly up in my business.”

                Peridot chuckled.  “Yeah, mine too.”

                “You two are very lucky.  Your families might be ‘in your business’ and loud and at times crass – well, your sisters are – but when I visited there was a lot of love.”  Roselyn took a breath.  “My family is so fake.  To see a picture of us you’d think we’re perfect.” 

                “Yeah, well, your dad’s attitude toward me shattered any image I had of that,” Amethyst interjected.

                “Exactly.  We were happy once – before the money.  I hardly remember because by the time I was five, Daddy’s company had taken off and I had anything I ever wanted.  Then he stopped speaking to my aunt because she came out and divorced her husband.  Just when he thought it couldn’t get anymore scandalous, she starts shacking up with an Indian woman.  We see them from time to time, but it’s always civil.  We didn’t go to their wedding…well, it was a ceremony…it’s not legally recognized, of course.” 

                Peridot twisted her fingers together.  “Your dad really doesn’t talk to your aunt just because she’s gay?” 

                “Yes, but you’d never know because when we take pictures, we’re one big happy family with no cracks and nothing wrong.  Even why I go to the hospital is under wraps.  Once I started losing my hair from malnutrition it was very easy for them to weave some story about leukemia.” 

                Amethyst gave a low whistle.  “Jesus…”

                “Your hair looks fine though,” Peridot told her.

                Roselyn gave a small scoff.  “Yes, good money will buy a good wig – all lace, human hair – so I look perfect, like I belong.”

                “You’ll be in college in a couple of years,” Peridot pointed out.  “You can have more freedom then.” 

                “Except I’ll probably be going somewhere where everyone knows my family.  It’ll never end…I just have to keep up the image until I die, I guess.”  She picked up a little bit of lettuce and put it in her mouth. 

                That was going to happen sooner rather than later if she kept this up, Amethyst realized.  She’d spent so much time hoping that Roselyn would get better, she’d never stopped to think about the real possibility that it may never happen.

*

_September 2006_

                “Great kickoff to the new school year, huh, Ames?”  Jasper asked as she stretched before the run. 

                “Okay, maybe you and Matt love your exercise, but getting up at the butt crack of dawn to stomp through the mud is not the way Peri and I like to start our Labor Day weekend.”  Amethyst looked at the two of them dressed in cargo pants, Army T-shirts and boots that were probably much like they wore with their uniforms.  She glanced down at her own attire of sweat pants and an old T-shirt of her dad’s that he said he didn’t mind getting dirty.  She quickly took her hair out of its pony tail and re-tied it in a bun. 

                “Runners, listen up!”  A man in Marine camouflage stood in front of the hundred-or-so people who signed up for the run.  “You start in one minute!  There will be ways to avoid every obstacle if you choose not to participate!” 

                “Why is he shouting at us?”  Peridot asked quietly. 

                “Prizes will be rewarded to the first three people across the finish line, but all of you will receive a ticket good for one free beer – or soda if you’re underage – at the drink stand after the run!  To the start line and go when you hear the gunshot!”

                Amethyst stood next to Jasper near the front and gave her a smile.  Jasper returned it with a smug grin of her own. 

                The Marine stopped in front of her sister and Matt.  “Good luck, Army.”

                Just seconds after he’d stepped out of the way, a loud bang echoed through the air and people rushed off, the pounding of their shoes surrounding Amethyst and Peridot as they slowly started walking towards a path to a wooded area.  Amethyst looked for her sister, but Jasper had sprinted ahead.  It wasn’t too long before the pair of them got to the first obstacle with the others who chose to walk.  It was a simple walk on a fallen tree over a mud pit – complete with ropes to hang onto.  The next was a spider web design made of rope that they hopped through. 

                Then at the bottom of a steep hill came the ‘peanut butter pits’ where she and Peridot had to slog through calf-deep mud that was sticker and thicker than any Amethyst had come across before.  She looked for a way to get out and go around.  “Um…excuse me, but how do I skip this?” 

                “You can go back up that hill and around.”  The Marine told her. 

                “No, fuck that.”  She trudged forward, her shoe sliding off.  She dug around in the mud for it and pulled it out.  Trying to take another step and her calf cramped horribly.  “Ow!” 

                Peridot was carrying her own shoes.  “I lost my socks.” 

                Amethyst rubbed the cramp out of her leg, pulled her foot out of her other shoe and then proceeded to slowly make her way through the pit back to the dirt trail.  She slid her bare feet into her sneakers.  “Man, fuck this noise.”

                The two of them ran to catch up to the others, passing by an obstacle that was closed.  When they asked they were told it had been a tarp turned into a slide, but three people had broken bones.  They were bypassed to the next challenge where they were shown two pyramids of metal boxes. 

                “Ammo cases,” the man in camouflage said.  “The bigger ones are twenty pounds and the pink ones are ten.” 

                They each grabbed two pink cases and carried them the next hundred yards to the next obstacle.  Amethyst plunked hers down and stood there catching her breath.  “God, what next?” 

                “Into the swamp maze you go.” 

                “Oh…geez…”  Peridot followed behind Amethyst. 

                The liquid mud was up to their hips and it was a long, winding path through reeds almost taller than they were.  The sun beat down on them and Amethyst wiped sweat from her forehead wishing she had some sort of hat.  Peridot yelped behind her and there was a splash, splattering Amethyst’s back in sludge.  Peridot rose from the mud and took a breath, wiping her eyes as best she could. 

                “Here.”  Amethyst let her wipe her hands on a dry patch of her shirt and looked at her friend’s suddenly changed appearance.  It wasn’t the mud or that her pale hair was now dark and matted to her head.  “Oh, Per, your glasses.” 

                Peridot’s fingers smoothed the area over her eyes and she opened them.  “Stars!  I can’t see!”

                “I’ll help you.”  Amethyst let Peridot cling to her arm and together they made their way through the mud, breathing a sigh of relief when they exited into a cleared area.  Holes had been dug into the ground, filled with dirty water and barbed wire twisted above the entire obstacle.  “I’m in hell…what is that?” 

                A woman in camouflage stood there.  “You crawl under the wire – it’s been slightly electrified…” 

                “Yeah, that’s a no – big no.”  Amethyst and Peridot walked around that one and found the next was no easier.  A ten foot wooden wall stood on one side of a large mud puddle.  The only way up was a rope.  “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me…”

                “Let’s just…” Peridot huffed.  “Let’s just walk to the finish line.”

                Amethyst felt she could do one final rope bridge, but fell, her ankle bending painfully.  It took a while in the heat and as soon as they limped across the finish line, both girls collapsed to the dirt breathing heavily. 

                “If I ever…think about…joining up…please…slap some sense…into me,” Peridot panted.

                Amethyst put a hand over her pounding heart.  “Yeah…I’m all military-d out…”

                Matt walked over and offered his hand to Amethyst.  “We were getting worried.” 

                Jasper helped Peridot to her feet, giving a hearty laugh.  “We got done like two hours ago.”

                “Your sister here finished third – in the whole race – with a time of forty-two minutes.”  Matt grinned.  “What a woman, huh?”

                “You finished in forty-two minutes?”  Amethyst asked. 

                “And thirty-six seconds,” Jasper told her.  She already appeared clean and had changed her clothes.  She handed a backpack to Amethyst.  “They’re getting ready to close the cleaning station, so get all wiped down and we’ll go for ice cream.” 

                The cleaning station was not that great. The water looked a little yellow and smelled bad, but it got enough of the mud off her face and she and Peridot used some baby wipes in the backpack to clean up.  However, Amethyst knew she’d need some ample time in the shower to get all the mud off. 

                Once they’d met back up with Jasper and Matt, they collected their sodas to go.  Amethyst and Peridot sat quietly in the backseat of Jasper’s car on the way to the ice cream parlor. 

                Matt opened the envelope with Jasper’s prize inside.  “Hey, hundred dollar gift card to a steakhouse.” 

                “Yum.  I could use that after today.” 

                “Tonight?  We go back to base, get all cleaned up, you put on something sexy…”

                Jasper laughed.  “You assume I own something sexy.”

                “How about that red dress?”  Amethyst asked. 

                “Red dress, huh?”  Matt nodded.  “Tell me more.”

                “It’s a dress and it’s red – nothing special.”  Jasper guided the car into the parking lot of the ice cream shop. 

                “Pearl used to work here when she was in high school,” Peridot commented.  “She’d bring us home ice cream all the time.”

                “Well, look,” Jasper said as they headed in.  “They’re hiring if you want to follow in your sister’s footsteps.”

                “I’d prefer a different job…like something scientific,” Peridot explained. 

                Jasper laughed.  “Okay, but just for the record, most sixteen-year-olds start out in a place like this.  I once worked at McDonald’s making fries and flipping burgers.  Ames is washing sweat rags at the YMCA…”

                “I do more than that,” Amethyst protested.  “I also wipe down machines and clean floors and stuff.” 

                “Livin’ the dream, huh?”  Matt teased.

                They ordered and sat down.  Amethyst hardly tasted her ice cream as she watched Jasper and Matt at another table talking and laughing.  She thought throughout the entire experience that her sister would be beside her, encouraging her.  She’d expected them to run it together and finish together and all Jasper had cared about was being the fastest, the strongest…being the best and leaving Amethyst behind. 

*

Jasper

                Jasper wished she’d had the foresight to get her hair done.  She frowned at some split ends as she brushed through it.  She was thankful for the private bathroom attached to her room where she’d been able to spend an hour scrubbing all the mud off her body.  There were certain places mud was never intended to go, but she’d done a pretty thorough job and now looked polished and put together.  She studied her face in the mirror and for the first time in her life, wished she had some kind of makeup.  Even lip gloss would look better than nothing. 

                She was going to be eating.  Why did she care what her lips looked like?  Besides, Matt had never seen her with makeup and thought she had natural beauty.  She put the brush down and ran her fingers through her hair.  Once he saw her in this dress, he wouldn’t be focused on her face.  She left her room and confidently strode down the hall. 

                “Hey, Palamo!” 

                She recognized Nancy Carter’s voice and turned.  “What’s up?” 

                “You are not going out in that dress with that purse, are you?” 

                Jasper looked down at the denim bag she’d used for years.  “Um…yeah.” 

                “And are those seriously flip-flops on your feet?” 

                She wiggled her toes.  “The only pumps I have are for my dress uniform, so…” 

                “When are you supposed to meet Matt?” 

                “In five minutes.” 

                Carter took her hand and pulled her down the hall.  “It’s good to make them wait.”  She dragged Jasper into her room.  “What size shoes do you wear?” 

                “Uh…eleven.” 

                “I’m a ten, but…these might do.”  Her friend pulled out a pair of gold strappy sandals with a small heel and tossed them her way.  Then she pulled a small red clutch purse from the closet.

                “I’m always afraid I’m going to lose those things.” 

                “That’s what the wrist strap is for.”  She disappeared into the bathroom and returned with a few thin tubes.  “Okay, I’m much darker than you, so I don’t have foundation to match, but that’s okay – you have beautiful skin.  I’m just gonna touch up your eyes.” 

                Jasper closed her eyes as she felt something wet being swiped along her lash line and out beyond where it ended.  Something was smudged on her lid.  She opened them when Carter told her to and mascara was quickly applied.

                Carter finished with some red lipstick on her lips.  “Take this with you.  I’ll fit in the clutch so you can reapply.  There’s no time to worry about your nails.” 

                “What’s wrong with my…”

                “Nothing.”  She helped Jasper place her ID, debit card, gift card and some cash in the clutch.  “I’m holding your bag and flip-flops hostage until I get my things back.  You can bring them by tonight or tomorrow morning if you get in late.”  Carter laughed.  “Never mind, with you dressed like that – you’ll be getting in late.”

                Just in case, Jasper dug in her bag, grabbed two condoms and slid them into the small purse.  Was Matt going to want that?  Was she really ready?  Was he going to be upset if she said no?  She recalled last time when he stopped as soon as he’d realized something was wrong.  Of course he wouldn’t be upset.  She trusted him. 

                “You look amazing,” Carter told her with a smile.  “Now go knock him dead.” 

                Jasper took a quick look in the full length mirror and was surprised what the right accessories and a little makeup could accomplish.  Now, there was even more confidence in her gait as her heels clicked against the floor until she reached the common area.  “Sorry I’m late.” 

                Matt turned and so did the seven other guys who were watching a football game on the TV.  Her boyfriend’s eyes widened as he looked her up and down.  “Wow…you look…I mean…uh…I…” 

                “Damn, Palamo, you clean up nice,” Cardwell said.

                “Thanks.  Ready, Matt?” 

                “Uh…yeah…um…”  He raced to the exit and opened the door for her.  He looked down at his jeans and polo shirt.  “Man…I uh…I didn’t realize you would be so…”

                “You wanted something sexy.”  Jasper shrugged and headed for her car.

*

                Dinner was every bit as amazing as she figured it would be.  They ordered the most expensive steaks with all the sides and two pints of beer, toasting the completion of the mud run and their relationship.  They ended by sharing a small flourless chocolate cake with fresh cream and raspberries. 

                “Last raspberry?”  Matt asked then fed it to Jasper.  “You’re so beautiful.” 

                “Thanks.”  Jasper took the last swig of her beer.  “Man, I’m stuffed.” 

                “How does your lipstick stay on?” 

                “Fuck if I know – some kind of scientific makeup technology.”  She slid the gift card inside the folder with the bill and told the waiter to keep the change, giving him a good tip. 

                Matt reached across the table and took her hand.  “I don’t want to go back to base just yet.  I spend time with you and we part ways and I can’t wait to see you again.” 

                Jasper smiled.  “I feel the same way.  This is gonna sound corny, but I wish we could go to sleep together and wake up together, you know.” 

                “I have been told I snore.” 

                “That’s okay – I drool.” 

                He ran his thumb along the back of her hand.  “We could.  I have some money.  We could go to a hotel and spend the night together.” 

                She turned her hand over, squeezing his.  She wanted this.  She wanted to give this another chance…to completely trust him and let him make love to her.  “I’d like that.” 

                Once in the car, she drove off toward a few taller buildings.  “Which hotel?” 

                “Someplace nice, but not too expensive.” 

                “If your pay is anything like mine I get it.”  She yawned.  “Want to get some coffee?  I mean, we’ll need the energy, right?”  Jasper winked at him. 

                “I think I’m alright, but if you want some, go for it.” 

                Jasper eased the car into a Starbucks parking lot and quickly walked in, ordering and waiting by the edge of the counter.  The barista slid a cup onto the smooth surface.  “Grande double shot caramel latte.” 

                She hardly noticed as a hand grabbed the drink from the counter, but rolled her eyes when she heard a deep voice from beside her.  “Va-va-voom.  What’s a girl like you doing in a place like this?” 

                “Pffft, that’s the best you’ve got?  I’m getting coffee.” 

                “You like your coffee like you like your men?” 

                Jasper scoffed and faced him, leaning against the counter, one hand on her hip.  He was maybe half an inch taller than her and bulkier.  He wore a work out shirt with the sleeves cut off and she could see his muscles swelling below his dark skin.  A tattoo of a triangle and star was inked on his left shoulder.  “What?  Are you going to say rich?” 

                He laughed deeply.  “No, baby – black and hot.”

                “Tall drip coffee, cream, two sugars,” the barista said. 

                Relieved, Jasper grabbed her drink.  “Trust me, sir, you are only one of those things.”  She looked him up and down.  “Word of advice, women don’t want to be hit on when they’re getting their coffee…bonehead.”  With that, she turned and walked out of the Starbucks.  Settling back into the car, she plunked her drink in the cup holder, then had Matt hold it while she tightened the cup holder. 

                “Wait, your cup holder just screws onto your E-brake?  What if you have to use that?” 

                “Then there’s gonna be coffee all over the place.”  She turned the key and the engine roared to life.  “This car is exactly like my dad used to have, but it’s about fourteen years old, so cup holders I guess weren’t a thing in 1992.  Sometimes I think I should get a new car, but…I like this one okay.  Dad and I have put a lot of work into it.” 

                “Maybe when you make sergeant, you can buy yourself a little present.” 

                Jasper laughed.  “Yeah, a little present with monthly payments and I bet as soon as I get it I’ll be deployed again and not see it for a year or longer.”

                “Amethyst is learning to drive.  You could share.”

                “Over my dead body.  She can have this piece of crap and she can learn how to repair it just like I did.”  Jasper eased into the hotel parking lot and found a spot near the entrance.  “You sure this okay?  Not too expensive?” 

                “It’s what I want.”  Matt reached over and squeezed her hand.  “To make love to you…to fall asleep with you and wake up next to you.”

                Jasper intertwined her fingers with his.  “That sounds nice.”

                It didn’t take long for them to check in and get to the fifth floor room.  She went over to the window and looked out at the lights of downtown.  “It’s been a while since I’ve been in an actual hotel.” 

                “Don’t travel much?” 

                She shook her head.  “Last time I was home, Lacy and I went to Rose City overnight, but we stayed with a friend of hers.” 

                Matt slipped out of his shoes and took his shirt off.  “I stayed in one the night before I had to report for boot camp.  It was five stars compared to basic barracks.” 

                Jasper unzipped her dress and let it fall to the floor.  “Yeah, well, a fucking tent in the middle of nowhere would be a step up from that.”  She released a sigh of relief as she popped her bra open. 

                “Can I say something without you getting offended?” 

                She raised an eyebrow.  “Go on.”

                “You have a great body – especially your boobs.”  He threw his hands up as she laughed.  “There, I said it.  I’m a boob man and yours are really nice.” 

                “Most men who had the balls to say that to me would get punched in the face.  You’re lucky you’re my boyfriend and I love you.”

                Matt crossed the room and put his hands on her shoulders.  “What did you say?” 

                “That I wasn’t going to punch you in the face.”

                “I heard you say you love me.”

                She smiled as his hand covered her cheek and he gazed into her eyes.  “Yeah…I guess I did.  I mean…I do…I love you.”

                Matt cradled her face in his hands.  “I love you too, Jasper.” 

                Jasper kissed him and fell back onto the bed, pulling him on top of her.  Heat pooled in the area below her stomach as he kissed her neck.  Her hands went to work unfastening his pants and he wasted no time moving his body against hers.  Jasper exhaled deeply as he filled her and wrapped her arms around him, her fingers caressing the muscles of his back and working their way into his hair.  She groaned.  She needed to give him a condom before they went too far.  Already, she didn’t want him to stop…God, she wanted nothing more than for him to keep pounding into her and quench this fire threatening to consume her.  From somewhere down the hall a baby cried loudly and she put her hands on his chest, making him pause to roll on a condom.  “Okay, that’s better, let’s go.”

                Matt kissed her again, his tongue playing with hers and his hand teasing her breast.  She broke the kiss and cried out as a wave rushed through her.  Her arms went around him and she rolled him over, breathing heavily.  “I like being on top.”

                She eased down onto him and moved slowly at first, picking up speed as Matt leaned his head back and exhaled: “Oh fuck…”

                Jasper reveled in this – being in control.  She decided to have sex.  She alone decided who would touch her and how and right now, she wanted to use her body to give her man pleasure.  Jasper rode him so he hit just the right spot in her to send electricity crackling through her body.  Matt ran his hands along her arms, all the way to her hands and laced his fingers with hers.  Jasper threw her head back and exhaled as the surges of delight ripped through her.  Her eyes took in the tacky wallpaper and standard lamp.  She had to be quiet – no doubt someone on the other side of the wall could be trying to sleep.  Jasper gritted her teeth together, choking back a moan as her walls clamped down on him.  

                Matt squeezed her hands.  “Oh…Jesus…hnnn…” 

                “Let’s leave…Him…out of this…” she panted.  Jasper bit her lip hard as her boyfriend grabbed her hips, guiding her while she rode him as fast as she could.  His fingers dug into her and he panted, finally climaxing along with her, throwing his head back with a quiet “unh…”

                Breathing heavily, she lay beside him and wiped the sweat from her forehead.  He pulled her in, holding her close and kissed her forehead.  Jasper smiled realizing she hadn’t let the dark cloud of the past hang over this amazing experience.  She rested her head against his shoulder, relaxing in the protection of his arms.

*

                That Tuesday, the list of those in her unit eligible to be promoted was released and Jasper was a little surprised to see her name on it.  “I figured it would at least be a couple of months, but I guess it has been five years this month.” 

                “Plus you’re one awesome soldier,” Moritz told her.  “I’ll make the list one day.  Have you met the new guy?” 

                “New guy?” 

                “Yeah, new sergeant.  I think he’s the first one you’ll have to interview with.” 

                “Great, someone I’ve never met…”

                “Oh, you’ll meet him before you have to interview, I’m sure.” 

                “Someone who doesn’t know what I can do or knows my accomplishments…”

                “Which will be in your file and he’ll look at that.” 

                “It’s not the same as having someone who has fought alongside me in battle.” 

                As they reached their destination, Moritz opened the door and let her walk through first before speaking.  “Yeah, except that dick put three bullets in you.  You want him back?”

                “You’re right.  I’ll take my chances with the new guy.”  Jasper grabbed a clipboard and headed into the storage area.

                “How many times are they gonna make us do inventory?” 

                “You wanna be on desk work, Private?  Or cleaning floors?  Come on, at least we’re not out in the field, right?”  She sighed and looked at the long list of supplies. 

                “Moritz, Palamo.”  Sergeant Major Jackson approached them with a man following behind him.  “I wanted to introduce Sergeant Cordero.  He’s going to be leading your squadron from now on.” 

                As they saluted, Jasper was almost positive the man looked familiar.  Their eyes locked when she shook his hand and she noticed a sly smile on his lips. 

                “Well, if it isn’t va-va-voom.”

                Jasper pulled her hand away as heat burned in her cheeks.  This was her new sergeant.  Oh God…  “You’re the bonehead?”  Shit!  She could definitely kiss that promotion goodbye now.

                To her surprise, he laughed.  “I suppose I did act like a bonehead, didn’t I?” 

                “Care to explain?”  Sergeant Major Jackson asked. 

                “I was getting coffee and saw her wearing this red dress and I may have hit on her.”  Sergeant Cordero looked back at her.  “I should have treated you with more respect and I am sorry if I offended you, ma’am.”

                “Apology accepted.”  She watched them walk off then turned back to her clipboard. 

                “So…red dress, huh?” 

                “Yep.” 

                “I can’t picture you in a dress.  Must’ve been a pretty nice one for him to say ‘va-va-voom’.”

                “Shut up, Moritz.”

*

Amethyst

                Amethyst knew school wouldn’t be different.  She only had one class with Peridot and that was gym.  She looked at her friend’s schedule.  “Your classes are all AP?”

                “You’re surprised?” 

                “I guess not.”  Amethyst chuckled.  “You’re smart enough for advanced placement work.” 

                “I’m thinking of doing running start next year.  You know, work a few college courses in…get ahead.”  Peridot pushed her glasses up on her face and squinted at the paper. 

                “You’re getting a new pair of glasses, right?” 

                “Yeah, Mom took me shopping yesterday and they’ll be in next week.  You’re still limping a bit.”

                Amethyst nodded.  “Just a sprain, but it definitely still aches.  I should totally get back at Jasper for making us do this.  Like…a pie-eating contest…you know, something she’d never do.”

                “My hair didn’t even come clean.”  Peridot’s normally platinum blonde hair was still dingy even after multiple washes.

                 Amethyst found she had a few classes with Kiki and Jenny and all four of them had the same lunch period, so they sat together and talked about their morning.  Shortly after sitting down, she saw Seth across the cafeteria.  Amethyst looked down at her cheeseburger and the thought crossed her mind to toss it in a nearby trashcan before he said anything mean.  However, he didn’t seem as appealing as he had last year and she wanted to eat the cheeseburger, damn it.  He could call her ‘Pala-moo’ or whatever he wanted.  She took a bite of her food.  She was going to eat it and keep it down and anyone who had anything to say about her eating habits or her body could fuck off for all she cared.

                “Our gym teacher was shocked Amethyst and I were even friends,” Peridot said.  “She told us she remembers our sisters.  I’m not exactly sure what happened between them.  I vaguely remember Pearl having a broken nose.”

                “Yeah, that was the day Jasper decided she didn’t care what people thought of her skin, so she went to school in a very revealing outfit that I’m sure my mom would have freaked out over if she’d seen.  Apparently Pearl decided to try and be some kind of badass freshman and called Jasper a slut and a…”  Amethyst dropped her voice.  “…a C-word that I won’t say and a D-word that’s very offensive to lesbians that I also won’t say.  Anyway, Jasper wasn’t too happy hearing that word and punched Pearl in the face and shoved her into a locker.  They both got suspended and even now they still hate each other.” 

                “Damn.”  Jenny gave a low whistle.  “Your sister doesn’t mess around.”

                “Not with things like that, especially since her best friend was bisexual.  Still is, I think…though she did marry a guy.”  Amethyst shrugged.  “Maybe it was a phase.”

                “I don’t think being bi is a phase,” Peridot said matter-of-factly.  “When I did my report…well, I don’t think it’s a phase.  Lacy is likely still bi and she happened to fall in love with a man.”

                Amethyst dipped a few of her fries in ketchup.  “Makes sense.”   

                The rest of the day went much as she’d expected and she complained about having homework on the first day as she walked home with Peridot.  “I mean, I know that’s how they do it, but can’t they give us a couple of days?”

                “I had a summer reading list for AP English.  I had to turn in a paper on the first day.”

                They arrived at Amethyst’s house and went upstairs after grabbing drinks from the fridge.  Amethyst popped open her bottle of juice.  “They’re already advertising for the homecoming dance.  You think you’ll go?” 

                “I-I don’t know.  It’s not like I’m great at dancing.  During the spring fling I just stood by the wall mostly.” 

                “Well, it would be a good break from studying and you may even meet someone.  Other than that Halloween party and that night in the closet, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you with a guy.” 

                “He slobbered like a St. Bernard.  It didn’t exactly make me want to take things any further.”  Peridot sat on the bed, her fingers laced together.  “There aren’t any guys at school I like and I’ve been waiting for that to happen…to have a crush on someone and know that I’m normal.”

                “It’ll happen.  You’re a late bloomer.  Believe it or not, so was Jasper – she was our age before guys really saw interest in her.  She got her curves during tenth grade and then decided to show them off I guess.” 

                “That’s not…that’s not it.”  Peridot sighed.  “I can’t believe my own sister said that…she used that word…” 

                Amethyst shrugged.  “It was years ago.  You know how it is at school – people throw around the ‘gay’ insult like it’s going out of style.  Pearl just took it too far and maybe she feels bad about it and would never say it now.” 

                “I hope so.  I don’t think I could stand for her to think that way…or my parents.  You heard what Roselyn said about her dad – he doesn’t even talk to his own sister hardly because she’s a lesbian.  I just don’t think that’s the right attitude to have, you know?”  Her voice was practically tinged with panic.

                “Okay, but to be fair, Roselyn’s dad is an asshole, so…” 

                “But the thing is that I have had crushes…and I have one now and…I can’t say or do anything about it!” 

                “Who?  Please tell me it’s not Seth, ‘cause he’s a jerk.”  Amethyst opened her history book and plopped it on the desk.  “I can’t believe I was crushing on him.” 

                “No…it’s someone in my science class.” 

                “What’s his name?” 

                Peridot didn’t speak for a few moments, then finally answered in a quiet voice.  “Tianna…her name is Tianna.”

                Amethyst’s first thought was trying to figure out who this girl was.  The realization that her best friend had a crush on a girl was second to that and hit her like a wave.  Peridot?  Peridot was gay?!  That couldn’t be.  They’d been friends for so long, Amethyst surely would have known.  But then…it made so much sense why this particular subject was important to Peridot and why it seemed to affect her so deeply when anything negative was said.  “Is she the girl with the really long, brown hair?” 

                “Yeah…but I think she’s got pretty eyes.  That’s what I noticed first…was her eyes.” 

                Amethyst hadn’t ever paid any attention to Tianna’s eyes.  In fact, she was pretty sure she’d never actually spoken to the girl.  “You haven’t told your parents?  Or Pearl?” 

                “What would they think, Ames?  I’m afraid to now after hearing that story!  Maybe Pearl and I aren’t really close, but she’s my sister!” 

                “I would hope that what I’ve said is true – that she’s grown up and changed and that she’d accept you just as you are.” 

                “What about you?”  Peridot took off her glasses and wiped her eyes.  “I don’t think I could stand it…if we couldn’t be friends.” 

                Amethyst had to speak carefully.  It was a shock, for sure, but she knew at some point in the future, she’d have gay friends.  And according to the report Peridot had given in class a year ago, she was not the only lesbian in their high school.  “Well, I figure you’ve been gay as long as I’ve been straight, and it hasn’t changed anything so far.”  She sat on the bed next to Peridot and nudged her.  “Hey, at least we know we’ll never have a falling out over some guy.”

                Peridot smiled slightly.  “That’s true.  You won’t tell anyone?” 

                “Of course not.” 

                “Not even Roselyn?  Or Jasper?  Or the twins?” 

                “No – it’ll stay between us until you’re ready to come out to other people and I will be with you for that if you want.  Just like you’ve been there for me.”  She hugged Peridot.  No matter what life threw at them, they’d have each other and tackle everything in front of them whether it was a mud run or a life-changing confession.


	14. Maybe Baby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're almost at the end - just one chapter after this, but don't worry, there's another story to follow after this that I'm already working on.

**Chapter 14 – Maybe Baby**

_October 2006_

Jasper

                Jasper yawned as she surveyed the coffee choices at the small shop on base.  She was going to need energy tonight.  The man in front of her turned and smiled.  “Hot date again tonight?” 

                She looked down at her plain black T-shirt and jeans.  “Oh yeah.” 

                Sergeant Cordero grinned.  “You should have worn that red number.” 

                “You know, I would have but he has a thing for throwing up on girls.” 

                He put his hands in the air.  “I mean, who am I to kink shame?” 

                Jasper laughed.  “I’m babysitting my friend’s kid.  He’s five months.” 

                Sergeant Cordero stepped up to the counter ordering a caramel macchiato and a tall drip coffee with cream and two sugars.  “It’s on me, Tiger.” 

                “You don’t have to do that.”

                “I want to – congrats, right?”  He finished paying and stepped off to the side.  “I heard you passed all your interviews.  When do you start training?” 

                “Next week.  By the end of the year, it’ll be official.” 

                Silence surrounded them for a moment.  “So, you have a maternal side.  I didn’t see that coming.” 

                “Yeah, well, I don’t know how maternal I am, but I guess we’ll find out.  I mean, it’s nighttime, right?  He’ll probably just sleep.” 

                “So, you still dating that Matua guy?” 

                “I am.” 

                “And he wasn’t promoted, right?” 

                “Uh…no, but I don’t think he plans to be in forever, so he wasn’t crushed.”  The barista put their drinks up on the counter and she grabbed hers.  “I plan for a full career, if that’s in the cards for me.” 

                “I remember you saying that in your interview.  I like ambition.”  Sergeant Cordero bumped his coffee cup against hers.  “Congrats again and have fun on your ‘date’ tonight.” 

                “Thanks – and thanks for the coffee.”  Jasper quickly retreated from the coffee shop and to her car.  She started it up, the check engine light shining at her.  She made a mental note to take it in that weekend and get it looked at.  The drive to Lacy’s didn’t take too long and she finished her coffee before walking to the door. 

                Her friend smiled and squealed when she saw her.  “How are you?” 

                “I’m good.  Finally date night for you and Carlos, huh?”  Jasper stepped in and removed her shoes.

                “Yeah.  I still think it’s too early to leave him…” 

                Carlos came around the corner holding Kyle.  “But, I don’t.  Look, Lace, my mom and dad have watched him – you trust Jasper so I’m sure he’ll be fine.”

                Lacy took Kyle from her husband.  “You will be, won’t you, sweet cheeks?  Jasper is gonna take good care of you.”

                “Yeah, okay but I’m not calling him ‘sweet cheeks’.” 

                “He likes sweet potatoes or pears for dinner.”  Lacy breezed into the kitchen.  “The baby food is up here and I put his spoon on the high chair table already.  Then I put him on the floor for some tummy time – he has some toys on the blanket in the living room.  He’s working on motor skills – oh and play peek-a-boo with him.  It helps with object permanence.”  Lacy rubbed noses with him.  “Doesn’t it?” 

                “Because he knows what that means.”  Jasper wasn’t even sure she knew what that meant.

                “Bedtime routine – bath, story and then cuddling while he drinks a bottle.  There are two bottles in the fridge – he might fuss a little because he prefers the breast, but just keep offering the bottle; he’ll take it.  I usually sing while I feed him.  He likes ‘Twinkle Twinkle’ or ‘Baa Baa Black Sheep’.” 

                “Those have the same tune,” Carlos said.

                “They’re totally different.”  Lacy shook her head. 

                Jasper wasn’t sure she knew either one – at least not completely. 

                “And once he’s out just put him in his crib, make sure the baby monitor is on, but I like to check on him every fifteen minutes just to be sure, you know.”  Lacy bounced him a little.  “I guess that’s about it.  If he seems like he’s crying for no reason he probably just wants attention.  He loves being held.  You wanna try it?”  She turned her attention to Kyle.  “You wanna go to Jasper?” 

                Jasper took him from his mom and held him.  Kyle studied her face before reaching up and grabbing her nose with his hand.  Then he squealed and gave a huge grin.  “Glad you approve, little man.”

                “If you get hungry, _mi casa es su casa_ – help yourself, or have something delivered, but don’t leave him alone or leave the house with him,” Lacy told her. 

                Jasper turned to Kyle.  “Sorry, dude, we’re gonna have to miss the rave.”

                “Just remember when you change him – stand to the side, never directly in front,” Carlos said.  “Learned that mistake the hard way.”

                It was only moments after they’d left that Jasper realized she’d never actually changed a diaper in her life.  When she was younger and tried to help with Amethyst, her mom would shoo her away telling her she wasn’t old enough.  “Well, I guess it’s just you and me huh?”

                Kyle looked at her then at the door that had just closed.  His face scrunched up disapprovingly and he gave a loud cry.  

                “Oh, don’t do that.”  She bounced him a little bit and rubbed his back trying to calm him down.  However, Kyle decided to fuss during dinner, spitting out his food and throwing a handful of sweet potatoes at Jasper and then giggling about it.  He calmed down during tummy time, which involved him laying on a blanket, picking up blocks and stacking them and occasionally trying to prop himself up on hands and knees as though crawling might be his next step.  Jasper passed that time on the couch, flipping through a magazine only wondering if she should be playing with him.  “Hey, Kyle, how long is tummy time?”

                Kyle rolled onto his back and held up a wooden block in her direction. 

                “Well, you’re not on your tummy, so I guess it’s over.”  She picked him up just as he scrunched his face up again.  “No…no crying.”  She felt his body shake then he gave a relieved smile as the smell hit her nose.  “Ugh…how did you turn sweet potatoes into that?  Please go back to crying.”

                A bath, a diaper and pajama change later and Jasper finally sat down in the nursery with him and tried to feed him a bottle.  Kyle turned his head toward her chest and slapped his hand against her boob.  “Sorry, buddy, this Dairy Queen is closed.” 

                She realized as he finally took the bottle that she’d completely skipped over story time.  “Uh…you won’t tell your mom if I won’t, right?  Let’s see, I guess you like singing.  Well, I guarantee my singing will probably give you nightmares.”  She pushed her foot against the floor making the rocking chair gently sway back and forth.  There was one lullaby she remembered hearing her mom sing to her and Amethyst.  “ _Moe moe pepe, Tumu tumu le laau…A agi le matagi e lue atu ma toe sau…”_  Did it matter that it was in Samoan?  Well, she figured it didn’t since Kyle didn’t understand anything she said in any language yet.  Plus, he was closing his eyes and relaxing in her arms.

                And now that he wasn’t crying or doing anything gross, he was pretty cute.  He looked more like Carlos than Lacy with darker skin and hair, but maybe his nose was about the shape of hers, or would be when he grew up.  She looked around the nursery, all decked out in shades of blue and white, and thought about what she’d been through a year ago.  She thought about how Lacy had helped her and supported her through the procedure and afterwards how she’d cried at the thought of the life she’d decided to cut short.  However, after tonight, she was definitely not ready.  Kyle was adorable, but she realized she had him for a short time whereas her own child would have relied on her twenty-four-seven.   By the end of the year, she’d complete her training and officially be a sergeant, in charge of a squad of her own.  She didn’t have time for a child.

                Jasper smiled down at Kyle and kissed him on the forehead.  She’d made her decision.  It freed her from having to relive the rape during every moment her pregnancy had progressed and it had left her to be able to heal from that and carve out her own path in life no matter what came at her.  She’d made a decision and for the first time in a year, she was okay with it. 

                She placed Kyle in his crib and watched him for a few moments.  Lacy was a very fortunate person to have a loving husband and a child.  And as Jasper stepped out of the nursery and closed the door, she knew someday, when she was ready, she’d have that too.

*

_November 2006_

Amethyst

                Flo had been very impressed with Amethyst’s attitude over the past few months.  “You seem to be accepting your body and seeing yourself in a more positive light, Amethyst.” 

                “Yeah, Peri and I actually went to a Halloween party dressed as a farmer and a cow.  I’m owning the cow.  Cows can be cute – I was downright adorable.  Although, there was one creepy boy wanting to play with my udders…”

                “Do you think the visits between us could be less frequent?  Every month or so?  That way, you still have me to come to each month and vent, but it sounds like you’re doing very well.  Your friends are a great support group.” 

                “Even my family.  Ever since I started taking dancing lessons, my mom and I have been practicing together.  Auntie Su wants me to dance in the Polynesian festival at the end of the year.  I hope it do it justice.  Either, way, it’s good exercise because I haven’t put on a ton of weight – if any – all my clothes still fit.”

                “That’s good – balance your love of food with exercise and focus on being healthy.  You’ve made a lot of progress, Amethyst.  You should be proud of yourself.”

                And she was.  As she headed to the cafeteria afterwards, she couldn’t wait to tell Roselyn all about her latest appointment and the progress she was making.  Maybe it would lead Roselyn to want to get better too.  For all Amethyst’s positive conversations with her, Roselyn didn’t seem to want to change at all.  Amethyst purchased her pudding and a bottle of water and waited. 

                And waited. 

                The clock on the wall ticked closer to the start of group therapy.  Amethyst was still waiting…just hoping that her friend would come in.  She could see Roselyn in her mind wearing a baby pink outfit, perfectly put together.  Her friend would sit down, brush her golden curls away from her face with her hand and sip hot tea while they talked.

                Time for group came, but Roselyn didn’t.  She didn’t turn up at the meeting either.  Afterwards, she asked the therapist running the support group if she had any news. 

                “Oh, yes.  Roselyn is upstairs in the pediatric unit.  She’s not doing so well again, but that’s all I know.” 

                Amethyst raced through the halls and took the elevator up, only realizing as she stepped out that she didn’t actually know Roselyn’s last name.  She followed the signs toward the adolescent wing and stopped as she turned a corner and saw two women arguing. 

                “What do you mean you haven’t told him?” 

                The other woman’s heels clacked on the floor.  She had poofy, blonde hair and wore a pink tweed dress.  There was no mistaking Roselyn’s mother.  “He hasn’t been here for her thus far.  Why should he be here now?” 

                “This could be very serious.  You heard the doctor.  Her father should be here.” 

                “This is a family matter.” 

                The second woman crossed her arms and huffed.  She wore a dark blue dress that was long and elegant with silver embroidery.  “You’re not higher up in the hierarchy here.  We both married into the family.” 

                “Yes, and only my marriage is recognized by law.” 

                “That’s true – now only if it was as happy as ours.” 

                “You don’t have to be here.”  Roselyn’s mother opened a door and disappeared behind it.

                Amethyst watched the other woman walk away, pulling a cell phone from her purse as she did so.  Running to the room, Amethyst knocked on the door, her heart pounding.  Hopefully Roselyn’s mom was nicer than her dad.  As soon as the door was opened, Amethyst smiled.  “Hi, I’m here to see Roselyn.” 

                Her mother glanced back into the room.  “I’m afraid she’s not ready to receive visitors.” 

                “Mama…let her come in,” Roselyn said in a weak voice.

                “Darling, your hair isn’t done or your makeup.” 

                “It’s okay.  Amethyst…won’t mind.”

                Her mom gave a smile.  “Perhaps you’ll cheer my Roselyn up.”  She opened the door, letting Amethyst in.  “Do you girls need anything?” 

                “I know Roselyn usually drinks hot tea when we get together,” Amethyst offered. 

                “Oh, yes, Mama, that would be just the thing.  No sugar, no milk.  Chamomile if they have it.” 

                “Of course.”

                 Amethyst approached the bed after Roselyn’s mother had left the room.  Her friend’s appearance was shocking without makeup or a wig.  She looked thinner and sicker than Amethyst had ever seen anyone.  The light was gone from her eyes and her thin hair had lost any shine it may once have held.  “How are you feeling?” 

                “I’m alright.  Just something…with my heart.” 

                “You’re eating though?  Getting stronger?” 

                “I’m trying.  It’s…hard…I want to…go home.”  Her voice was hardly above a whisper.

                “I remember how uncomfortable these beds are, but if you eat and get better, then they’ll send you home.”

                Roselyn toyed with the bracelet Amethyst had given her.  “You should…come over…when Daddy’s not there.  We could…have an actual…tea party.  I have a really pretty…tea set.” 

                That was definitely not something Amethyst was normally interested in, but she’d do it for her friend.  If anything it would cheer her up and make her happy.  “Can I wear something fancy?”

                “Of course.  Perla makes some really good…cakes and cookies.” 

                Amethyst reflected on how much work that would take for Roselyn to sit there and maybe nibble a crumb.  “It’ll be fun and we can always go for tacos again.  Maybe next week after group?”

                “I’d like that.” 

                Amethyst kept her company until her mother returned.  “I should probably get going.  My mom’s getting off work soon, so I should meet up with her.” 

                “I’ll…see you…next week.”  Roselyn gave a weak smile. 

                “Definitely.”  With that, Amethyst left the room and didn’t allow the dread to sink in until she was down the hallway.  It was like a slap in the face to see her friend looking the way she did and to know that no matter how she tried to help, the rest was up to Roselyn. 

*

                “So, next week I want to start working on a specific routine for you to bring to the festival,” Auntie Su told her.  “You have the basics down, so you’re ready.  You also need to practice next month wearing the outfit, especially the _tuinga_ – the crown – that’s a balancing act.”  She pulled the car into Amethyst’s driveway.  “You’re going to see, Ames.  Dancing and channeling that _mana_ – that spirit – from all your ancestors who came before you, it’s going to give you a sense of power you’ve never had before.”

                “Thanks, Auntie.”  Amethyst stepped out of the car.  “And thanks for the ride.” 

                “No problem – it’s pouring.  Tell your parents ‘hi’ for me.”

                Amethyst rushed into the house and took her coat off, hanging it up in the closet.  “Hey, Mom, you used to dance, right?” 

                “Oh, Amethyst.  Uh…sit down.” 

                “Because Auntie Su says I have to wear a _tuinga_ and is it like heavy or hard to dance with?”

                Her mother finished wiping the kitchen counter and sat down at the table where a small pink bag waited to be opened.  “Um, they used to be woven into the hair, but now they’re like a hat made of fake hair and feathers mostly – some shells.  But, Ames, I need to tell you something.” 

                She knew from the tone that it was bad news and her heart sank as she looked at the pink bag.  “Yeah?” 

                Penina held her hand.  “Perla came by today and dropped that off for you.” 

                Amethyst blinked to keep the tears away and shook her head.  Even so, her stomach turned to ice.  “No…” 

                “Roselyn passed away two days ago.” 

                She felt her face scrunching up and there was no way to keep the tears back.  “But…we were gonna keep going to group together.  We were gonna go out for tacos and have a tea party at her house…she can’t…she…” 

                Penina scooted her chair closer to Amethyst’s and held her gently.  “I am so sorry, Amethyst.  It’s not easy.  Especially not when it’s a child.  I can’t imagine what her parents are…” 

                Amethyst pulled away.  “Her parents were never there!  That’s partly what destroyed her!  Maybe if they’d been around and given half a crap she wouldn’t have been starving herself!” 

                “They weren’t perfect, but I believe they loved her.” 

                “Was her father there?  When she…went…was he there?” 

                Her mother exhaled and shook her head.  “I don’t know.” 

                “And the funeral?” 

                “Perla didn’t mention anything.  You may get an invitation later, or they may keep it small and intimate.” 

                Somehow Amethyst knew that she wouldn’t be invited, not if Roselyn’s father had anything to say about it.  “Is this the point where you tell me everything will be okay and give me some parental wisdom or something?  Because I don’t know how to deal with this, Mom.  It hurts…” 

                Penina embraced her again.  “No, this is the part where I hold you and let you cry.  Losing a friend is hard and there is nothing anyone can really say.  You need to grieve and that’s okay.  You take as long as you need and your father and I will be here for you.”

                Amethyst buried her face in her mom’s shoulder and sobbed until her tears ran dry.  Finally, she pulled away, grabbing a napkin off the table to wipe her eyes and nose.  “I don’t know that I want to go to the support group anymore.” 

                “I understand you miss Roselyn and going back may be hard, but you _will_ go back.”  Her mother’s voice was gentle, but firm.  “I know you will need to grieve in your own way, but you need to be healthy about it.  It will do no good to go back to where you were and your appointments can help you through this process.”  She plucked the little pink bag from its place and handed it to Amethyst.  “Perla said Roselyn wanted you to have this.” 

                Slowly, Amethyst made her way to her room where she sat on the bed and opened the bag.  She pulled out the bracelet she’d given Roselyn for her birthday…the one she hadn’t seen her friend without ever since.  She unfolded a note written on pink stationary with roses in the corners and had to fight back tears as she read the words. 

_Dear Amethyst,_

_Words cannot express what your friendship has meant to me, but I will sure try._

_You saw beyond my family and my wealth and treated like a person and for that I am grateful.  I am hoping you’ll never have to read these words, but if you are then it will be a long time before we see each other in heaven.  I wore this bracelet every day as a reminder of your kindness and compassion…of your patience with me.  You helped me see and experience more than my sheltered life ever did.  You made me want to go on even as my disease made me eat less and less.  I hope you will keep this bracelet always to remind you of me and all the times we shared together.  You were truly a blessing in my life and the most real person I ever knew.  Never let go of that.  Always be you because you are wonderful._

_Love always,_

_Roselyn_

                She clasped the bracelet around her wrist, looking at the pink rose charm and the golden heart.  Roselyn had added a purple gem at some point and it made Amethyst feel as though her friend would always be a part of her.  She sat for a long time reading and re-reading the letter before finally tucking it behind the Australian money Roselyn had given her and the photo from the Fourth of July party.  Struck with a reminder of happier times, Amethyst sadly smiled at the memory of Roselyn’s wide-eyed joy over the fireworks.  Forgetting her would be impossible.

*

Jasper

                It was a few days before her scheduled leave that the base got wind of an attack that had killed five soldiers.  Jasper was certain she felt the same sense of loss that the rest of them did and the anticipation of the names that would be released.  Was one of them someone she’d worked with?  Someone she’d known? 

                “I heard at least two were killed instantly when the vehicle was hit,” Matt told her as they sat down to lunch.  “Terrorists dragged the others off before they could be rescued.  I heard a rumor they were tortured and beheaded.  And see, this is why we’re over there because these guys are assholes.  I mean, they’re supposed to help injured people even if they’re the enemy.  We would do that for any of their guys.” 

                “True, but then they’d still be incarcerated and I hear things about how terrorist prisoners are treated.”  Jasper shook her head.  “Anyway, I hear they’re already setting up a memorial.  Of course, we don’t even know who was involved until they release the names.”

                “I mean, no matter who it is, it’s sad and I can only hope they got the bodies back.”

                “They’ll do everything they can.” 

                “Happier topic – did you manage to buy a bikini for our vacation?”

                “Okay, first of all, I’m wearing anything ending in ‘ini’ and second, my mom says the culture is very conservative, even in American Samoa.  So, I have a one piece and I bought a couple sarongs.” 

                “We’re a little more liberated than where your mom is from, but yeah…it’s still…”

                “Same people, same culture, different flag.”

                Matt nodded.  “Yeah.  Bring something nice for church, too.  My mom will insist everyone go to church.”

                “Oh, goodie.”  It was only later on that afternoon when the names of the dead were revealed that she saw his name on the list – Gary McCoy.  She found herself focusing on the other names, feeling sorry for the four men who never deserved to meet such a fate.  However, there was a part of her that just wanted to scream with joy over his demise.  She hoped at least the others had gone swiftly or been unconscious.  But him – she imagined the terrorists dragging him broken and burned from the truck, laughing at him while they beat the shit out of him.  She thought about them spitting on him, maybe shoving a bayonet up his…

                “Terrible loss,” a voice said beside her. 

                Jasper turned to see Sergeant Cordero and hoped her face looked sorrowful, or at least stoic.  “Yes, it is.” 

                “Did you know any of them?” 

                “I served with a Tanner during my first deployment, but I don’t remember his first name, so I’m not sure if that’s the same soldier.”  

                He nodded.  “I didn’t know any of them, but I know I always the dread the day my family gets that visit.” 

                “Hopefully they never do.  Are you…uh…are you married?” 

                “Nope.  You and Matua have any plans?” 

                She shook her head.  “We’ve only been dating about a year.” 

                “It’s not quantity; it’s quality.  My parents dated four months before they decided to get married and they’ve been together thirty years.” 

                “I think mine were together less than that.”  Why the hell was she talking about these things to Cordero?  She hardly knew the guy.  “Um, well, Matt and I are going on leave together, so who knows?  Maybe that’s on his mind.” 

                “He’d be a lucky guy.”  Cordero gave her a friendly punch in the arm.

                Jasper couldn’t stop a chill from going up her spine.  She didn’t want this kind of attention again.  Last time it had ended horribly.  God, if it didn’t work out with Matt, how much more would Cordero pursue her?  She gave him a tight-lipped smile and walked off.  Retreating to her room that night she looked in the mirror.  Why were guys interested anyway?  Sure, her body was nice – she’d give herself that.  She put a hand to her cheek as her eyes surveyed her uneven skin and her jawline that made her look more masculine, especially in uniform.  “I have a butter face…” she sighed.  “Nice body…but her face.”  

                A knock on the door caught her attention and she opened it, letting Matt in.  She kissed him gently.  “You brought dinner?” 

                “Yep – teriyaki.  I know it gets boring, but it’s fairly healthy and cheap.  You get a raise soon, right?” 

                “Once I finish my training.  I probably get a nicer room in the barracks too.”  She sat at the table with him and opened the plastic bag.  “What do you find beautiful about me?” 

                “Is this a trick question?” 

                “No, like what first attracted you to me?  I mean, guys end up interested and I just don’t see it.” 

                “Who else is interested?”  His tone held suspicion. 

                “No one specific – I was thinking of when I was deployed and guys wanted to sleep with me…why McCoy…why he chose to hurt me…” 

                “Hey, hey.”  Matt took her hand.  “That had nothing to do with how you look.  That had everything to do with him being a dick and I hope that the terrorists cut his off and shoved it up his ass.”

                Jasper laughed a little.  “Yeah, I’m kind of hoping the same thing.  You know, I let go of the baby recently – I even told my therapist about it.  I feel like I should let go of this somehow too.  He tried his hardest to destroy me, but he didn’t, did he?” 

                “No.”  Matt reached over and stroked her hair.  “You’re stronger than anything he threw at you and now he’s gone.  He can’t hurt you or anyone else again.  You just remember that you are here – you rose above the evil he inflicted on you and you’re healing.  I am never going to let anyone hurt you like that again.”  He scooted his chair closer and kissed her cheek.  “I love you Jasper.  You’re so strong and brave…and beautiful.” 

                “Some days I feel that and other days it’s harder.  I mean, not the love part – I love you, always.  But, there are days I sometimes remember the rape for a brief moment and I just think: hey, I survived that and I moved on.  And there are other days it sometimes hangs like a dark cloud.  Those are the harder days.”  Jasper squeezed his hand.  “But, the good news is that the good days – the ones I hardly think about it are starting to overtake the bad days and there has been a day or two I don’t think it’s entered my mind at all.” 

                “Don’t let it.  I mean, I know it’s not that easy, but now you can remind yourself that he’s gone – really gone and you’re here and you’re happy.  That’s your personal revenge.  Go on with your life and be happy.” 

                Jasper smiled at him.  “You’re right.  To hell with him.  I’m gonna let you take me away to Pago Pago and any thoughts of him are not coming with us.” 

*

                The warmth sank into her skin as she stepped out of the airport and her eyes gazed over the hills covered in palm trees.  She slid her sunglasses on.  “This is so much nicer than the weather back home right now.” 

                “November is the start of our rainy season, but sometimes it stays nice late into the month,” Matt explained.  

                A man opened a car door at waved at them.  “Matt!  Over here!” 

                “Dad!”  Matt grabbed his suitcase.  “Come on.” 

                Jasper followed, wheeling her suitcase behind and waited while Matt hugged his dad.  Then she went to shake his hand.  “It’s nice to meet you, Mr…”

                Matt’s dad practically crushed her with a hug.  “It’s Iosua, but you can call me Josh.”  He let go and held her at arm’s length.  “So you’re Fetuao’s daughter?” 

                “Jasper.” 

                “Jasper…that’s a strong name.”  Josh studied her face.  “I can see your dad in you, but you look so much like your mom.” 

                “My…uh, thanks.”  She looked _nothing_ like her mom, but then it had been decades since Josh had seen her mother.  Jasper helped put the suitcases in the trunk and Josh told her to sit up front so she could see everything as they drove away from the airport.  He pointed out the mountains and large buildings and a tuna factory.  She had to hold back a laugh as they passed by a McDonald’s.  Yep, it was still America.  They made their way up a street and parked in front of a blue house that looked much the same as the other houses, which were all painted vibrant colors.  What Matt called a village appeared to be a suburban area not much different from home, except perhaps a bit more run-down.

                A woman ran out of the house and passed Jasper to hug Matt.  “Oh, I’ve missed you!” 

                “I missed you too, Mom.”  He pulled away and introduced Jasper. 

                His mother gave her a welcoming smile and introduced herself as Sina.  “His sisters are coming tomorrow, but it’ll be nice to have another woman around the house to help with things.” 

                This was probably not the best time to tell his mother that she didn’t cook or clean or have many of the domestic skills she probably should have at this point in her life.  His father insisted on helping with her suitcase and true to what Matt said, she was shown to a room at the far end of the house.  They had left a few small cones of _koko_ on the stand with a woven fan and a card welcoming her.  Jasper smiled at it and dug in her suitcase for the wooden box of smoked salmon she’d brought along with the package of Starbucks coffee.  If these gifts didn’t scream ‘northwest’ she didn’t know what would.  She walked out of the room toward the voices she heard. 

                “You didn’t say she had brown hair,” his mother said.  “Is she part _palagi_?” 

                “No, it’s dyed,” he told her.  “She’s not white at all.”  

                “Ah, I wasn’t sure because her skin…”

“Yeah, that’s something different – it’s just how she is.”  Matt paused.  “I find it unique and beautiful.” 

“Is she planning to move here if you get married?  Or are you staying away forever?” she asked. 

                “Well, we haven’t talked about that.”  She heard the groan of couch springs sagging under his weight.  “My contract is up in June.  I don’t plan to renew.  Jasper just made sergeant, so I don’t think she has plans to leave and if we get married, I follow her until she decides to retire.” 

                Josh chuckled.  “One of those liberated women, huh?  You give her a ring and she’ll forget all about that.” 

                “She’s still got almost two years on her contract, so she’s not out till that’s over.  And that’s if she decides not to renew.” 

                “Or until she’s in a family way,” his mother said.  “Right?  Women can leave in those circumstances?” 

                “That…yeah, but we haven’t even discussed any of this.  I haven’t even asked her father.” 

                Oh, she could have so much to say to all this, but she waited a moment as the conversation turned predictions of that weekend’s weather before walking into the living room and placing the gifts on the table.  “Uncle, Auntie, thank you for your generosity.  It isn’t much, but I hope you enjoy these.”

                Thankfully the subject of marriage or kids didn’t come up while she was in the room.  Their house was small and cozy and the windows were left open letting in a light breeze every so often.  She looked outside at the leafy trees lining the yard and the grass that appeared deep green and healthy.  A small garden was situated on one side of the yard and at the other corner near a small _fale_ there was a pig tied up. 

                “So, Jasper, there’s a night market on Friday if you want to go,” Sina told her.  “It’s a great place to get souvenirs for people back home.” 

                “I thought we’d also go up to the waterfalls this weekend,” Matt suggested. “And then Sunday night we have a reservation at the beach _fales_ because Jasper wanted to experience sleeping in a traditional _fale_.” 

                Jasper actually had never said that, but simply sipped her coconut water while trying not to make a face.

                Josh chuckled.  “Traditional – that’s funny.  Traditional _fales_ don’t have comfortable beds and mosquito nets.  Are you planning to go over to Savai’i or Upolu at any point?” 

                Jasper shook her head.  “No, we fly back late Monday morning.”

                “You should definitely visit your mom’s village someday.  It’s a little different over there – more traditional.”  He set his glass on the table.  “Matt, your sisters and cousins are all gonna be here early.  We’ll start the _umu_ and get the pig ready.”

                “You guys got a fat one this year,” Matt commented as he looked out the window. 

                Jasper turned her attention to the pig rooting around in the grass outside.  She had been considering asking what his name was, but apparently it was ‘Dinner’. 

                “We’ll get up early, too, Jasper.  We’ll cook breakfast for everyone and then get started on husking coconuts.”  His mom smiled at her.  “We’ll need a lot of coconut milk and cream for everything tomorrow.”

                “Um…I’ve never actually done that.” 

                “It’s easy; I’ll show you.”

                She forced a smile.  Now was not the time to tell them she hated coconuts and had never husked them or cooked anything using the meat or the cream or anything else.  Although, maybe if his parents knew how incompetent she could be around the kitchen they’d give up on suggesting marriage this soon in the relationship.

*

                The next morning, Matt’s two sisters and their husbands were the first ones to show up along with their kids who looked at Jasper expectantly.  She handed them some candy and sent them on their way. 

                “You like kids?” his older sister asked. 

                “Depends on the kid.”  Jasper glanced at the woman’s swollen belly.  “You have three already?” 

                “Yep.  Mom always wanted lots of grandkids.  Matt always talked about having three or four – maybe five.”

                “Five?” 

                “Children are little blessings.” 

                Jasper’s mind flew back to her babysitting adventures with Kyle.  “Yeah…”

                While the men went to work setting up the underground oven, she worked removing the tough outer husk of the coconuts before passing them down the line where they were opened, the water was drained and the meat scooped out to be turned into coconut milk.  She tried to ignore the panicked squealing of the pig before it was cut short.  She thought about how she’d go shopping with her mother for a frozen turkey and canned green beans, but how her mother would also cook yams and mashed potatoes from scratch.  She guessed putting time and love into a Thanksgiving meal was tradition no matter the culture or location. 

                She’d anticipated the differences, but there was talking and joking and laughing.  There were kids running around playing and in the late afternoon, tables were laden with food, Matt’s father placing the pig in the center just as a bell rang through the village signaling the beginning of evening prayer.  Everyone bowed their heads silently for several moments before Josh led the prayer thanking God for bringing all of them together and for the food.  Jasper simply stayed silent.  Perhaps she’d made her own kind of peace with the past, but wasn’t sure what her standing with God was.  She still dreaded the thought of church on Sunday. 

                “So, you’re going out with us to the market tomorrow, right?”  Matt’s sister asked. 

                Jasper nodded.  “I figure I can get something for my family.”  She moved her arm as one of the kids plopped down in her lap.  He was maybe two, dressed in a sarong and a T-shirt.  She wasn’t sure which sister he belonged to.  “Hi, can I help you?”

                He dipped two chubby fingers into the mashed taro on her plate and sucked on them.  “Mmmm…”

                Annoyance rose in her, but she reminded herself that she was a guest here and couldn’t very well yell at someone else’s kid.  Plus the taro was cooked with coconut milk and had the consistency and flavor of paste, so it wasn’t a favorite of hers.  “Knock yourself out.”

                Matt’s other sister came over and snatched the child out of Jasper’s lap.  “Leave your auntie alone.  She’s trying to eat.” 

                Jasper ignored the sound of crying and screaming as the kid was pulled away.  Having five kids was not going to happen and she told Matt this later on as they got a few moments alone outside.  The sun was setting and the breeze blowing in from the ocean was slightly cooler. “I mean…we’ve never even talked about a family and five?” 

                “Okay, my sister’s a busybody.  You know what we’ve said – they’re a blessing.  And if God gives us only one, I’d make my peace with it.  I mean, ideally I’d like more.  It’s hard being a single child I hear.” 

                Jasper shrugged and sat down in a lawn chair on the porch.  “I don’t know.  I was an only child for years until Amethyst came along.  I guess if I have more than one, I don’t want them that far apart.  I remember being insanely jealous.” 

                “Kids get that way at any age.  My sister is two years older and she used to bite me.”

                “Yeeeeeeaaaaaah, I was around eight.  I put Amethyst by the driveway in her car seat with a sign that said ‘free’ taped to her chest.” 

                “You…well, I’m sure it wasn’t that…”

                “Bad?  You’re going to say bad?  A police officer drove by.  Mom had to answer some questions and once he left I got _sasa’d_ with a hairbrush.  That was the day I learned I love my sister.  I grew up with two amazing parents and I look back on what a deviant I could be and I don’t want a kid like me.” 

                “True, but you’re part of a bigger picture – a family and you’d marry into another family.  Your child could turn out to be like your dad or your sister.  Or like me.” 

                She nodded and leaned into him as he sat in the next chair and put his arm around her.  “I’d like maybe two – three if God decides on an extra blessing.  I mean, raising kids is expensive.” 

                “True, but if we lived here, eventually, we’d have plenty of help.  It’s beautiful here, isn’t it?” 

                She gave a laugh.  “I haven’t seen much beyond the house yet.” 

                “We’ll go exploring the next few days.”

                Exploring and visiting was fine, but would she really be ready in a few years to give up the career she’d worked so hard for and move to a small island nearly an ocean away from home?  It seemed there were not a lot of employment opportunities here, especially not for women who she had figured out were expected to take on more ‘traditional’ roles.  She’d overheard Matt’s sister talking about wanting to be a nurse, but not having time for school once she had kids. 

                Back home Jasper had the opportunity for a full military career and – in time – a family she could equally help support.  The question really boiled down to whether she loved Matt enough to give that chance up.

*

                By Sunday, she had to admit that the island didn’t seem so small as she and Matt had hiked trails and swam in pools below waterfalls.  They’d strolled by the harbor, lucky enough to see a cruise ship docked there.  “I’ve never been on a cruise,” Jasper told him.

                “Me either.  Too expensive.” 

                “For sure.  I say: ‘I want to go on a cruise’ and my bank account says ‘there’s a ferry to Emerald City leaving in an hour’.”

                Their last morning with his parents, they all had breakfast together before church, which was held in a white cathedral.  Though the statues and stain glass windows depicted familiar scenes, they all were created with a Samoan style making the Biblical figures look similar to the people worshipping in the church.   Despite the wooden altar being adorned with native plants and traditional carvings, she was a little surprised that the priest was a _palagi_.  Matt later explained that though many Samoans were faithful, they didn’t necessarily have a calling to the clergy.  “I mean, I certainly didn’t,” he said with a laugh.  “So, they usually have to send a priest from the mainland.”

A long lunch followed before everyone finally exchanged hugs and good-byes and Jasper headed off with Matt to catch a bus headed for the beach _fales_ they’d stay in overnight.  The bumpy ride took a while and the traditional buildings were much what Jasper had expected.  Theirs was an open air hut with a bed big enough for both of them and a mosquito net that could be pulled down over it.  “I thought they were round though.” 

                “Some are,” Matt explained.  “But they come in all different shapes and sizes.”   

                Jasper pushed her suitcase under the bed and lowered the blinds to keep the heat and the sun out.  The couple stepped back onto the beach and were greeted by an ocean breeze.  A few people were strolling along in the surf and more down the beach were playing volleyball.  They walked about half a mile to the next village, taking their time to look around and pop into a supermarket to buy a few things for dinner.  “You said the _fales_ take care of breakfast?”

                “Yep, the brochure said an organic breakfast at sunrise.” 

                “Sounds awesome.”  She pointed to a lush island rising from the sea not too far away.  “What’s that island over there?” 

                “Aunu’u.  It’s about half an hour by boat.  We don’t have time this trip, but when we come back, we should go.  It’s a nice little day trip.”

                They returned to the _fale_ late in the afternoon and lay in bed talking as they watched the waves gently lap against the sand.  The sun painted colors of orange, purple and pink across the sky, finally finishing with a deep red before slipping below the horizon.  Matt slid from the bed to close the blind over the entrance to the _fale_ then lay next to her, pulled her close and kissed her forehead.  “I hated sleeping apart from you.” 

                “You think your parents suspect we’ve ‘been sinful’?”

                “I mean, I didn’t offer up any info, but they’re not stupid.”  He pulled his T-shirt off over his head and started undoing the sarong around his waist.  “And now I’m going to make love to you.”

                Jasper pulled her own shirt off.  “It’s about fucking time.” 

                Matt crawled across the bed toward her and pressed his lips against her neck.  “No, it is fucking time.” 

                “Okay, that corny joke totally just turned me off.  It’s done – I’m dry and my vagina is shriveling up…”  She shuddered as he nibbled her flesh and slid his hand into her bra.  “Oh…you just had to undo all that, didn’t you?”  Jasper sighed.  “God, yes, don’t stop.”

                They took their time and Jasper reveled in everything – the soft plop of their clothes on the floor, his skin caressing hers, the taste of his kisses.  It was perfect, her sighs complimenting the wind whispering against the wooden blinds, the pleasure ebbing and flowing through her body like the waves crashing outside, desire building like molten lava within her until the moment it exploded.  Jasper held onto Matt as they came together, trembling and lay still for a few moments as the lava cooled by the shore. 

                Finally, she pulled away, wiping her forehead and settling back against the pillows while Matt got out of bed.  She gave a blissful sigh listening to the ocean and wind again.  Okay, maybe she couldn’t live here, but she could see them married and visiting once or twice a year.  Then she remembered the price of her ticket…okay, maybe every other year. 

                “Uh…Jasps…” 

                “Mm-hmm, what’s up?” 

                “It broke.” 

                Somehow she knew what he meant, but didn’t want to believe it.  “What?”

                “The condom.” 

                Fuck.  “I-I don’t suppose there’s a pharmacy that carries Plan B is there?” 

                “No.  You’d have to wait until you get back.” 

                It had to be taken within twenty-four hours.  They wouldn’t make it home before then.  “Okay, I’m gonna visit the bathroom.”  She wrapped her sarong around herself and threw her T-shirt back on before exiting the _fale_ and running to the outdoor bathroom.  She sat on the toilet.  “Goddamn it…” 

                She and Matt were faithful to each other, so it wasn’t a disease she was worried about.  She remembered the kids at Thanksgiving…the crying, the screaming, running around, messy eating.  She recalled changing Kyle’s diaper and having him throw food at her.

After she used the facilities, she wiped until her skin was dry.  If only she had a douche.  _No, you idiot_ , she told herself _.  It doesn’t work that way.  Plus, that’s a very bad idea in general_.  She sat there for a few moments trying to remember how many sperm were released during sex.  That didn’t really matter – it only took one.  She also tried to remember where exactly in her cycle she was.  She recalled when they were planning the trip and how she’d counted the weeks on her calendar, relieved she would not be on her period.  She knew she was in the middle somewhere.  It could be she’d already ovulated or hadn’t yet.  Or there could be an egg in her right now just ready to become a baby.  “Shit…” 

Jasper took a few moments to collect herself before heading back into the _fale_.  She sat on the bed and looked at her calendar on the phone.  “Okay, I think the last day of my period was about eight days ago.” 

“Hey, Jasps…”  Matt took a seat next to her and plucked the phone from her hands.  “I know you’re concerned, but why don’t we wait to worry until and unless you’re late or your period doesn’t come.”

“We were so careful.” 

“Nothing’s a hundred percent.” 

“No shit…”  She sighed.  “Maybe I should look into a different form of birth control.  It’s just I sucked at remembering to take the pill.  That’s why I use condoms.” 

“Yeah, but there’s the patch, the implant, the shot, the ring, right?”

Jasper laughed nervously.  “True, there’s also the IUD, fallopian implants, tube tying and a full-on hysterectomy…” 

Silence surrounded them for a moment as he gave her a look.  “You may want to back up on that list – we do want kids someday.”

When did this become ‘we’?  And when was he so certain they were for sure having kids?  He did have a point that there was nothing to worry about until she was actually late.  However, this whole trip gave her a lot to think about once she got home.

*

                The weekend after she returned, she went over to Lacy’s, needing to talk to her best friend about everything.  Lacy answered the door, feeding Kyle, absolutely unashamed.  “Hey, Jasps!  How was it?” 

                “It was pretty and warm, which was a nice change from this.”  Jasper jerked her head toward the pouring rain before stepping into the warm house.  “I bought you a bowl.”  She held up the carved and polished wooden bowl in the shape of a sea turtle. 

                “Awww.  It’s cute.  Look, Kyle, it’s a turtle.  Can you say ‘turtle’?” 

                “He can’t say anything with your boob in his mouth,” Jasper pointed out.

                “True.  Plus he’s only six months.”  Lacy placed the bowl on a table by the door.  “This will be perfect for your daddy, right?  Because he always forgets where his wallet is no matter how many times I tell him to put it in the same place every...”  She tapped Kyle’s nose.  “Single...”  Another tap.  “Day.  Yes.”

                “Hey, can I ask you something?”  Jasper sat on the couch with her friend.

                “Always.” 

                “Does breastfeeding really hurt?” 

                “God, yes, but he needs it.  It helps him grow and stay healthy.  And I need him too or my boobs will explode.” 

                Jasper told her more about her trip ending with that night in the _fale_ and the broken condom.  “I just don’t know what I’m gonna do if…if I don’t have my period.” 

                Lacy put Kyle down on the blanket for tummy time.  “You’ll have to decide what to do.” 

                “It’s not like last time, Lace.  This time I chose to have sex with someone I love.  Abortion is not an option this time around, but I don’t think I’m ready for a baby.” 

                “You’re never ready.  Even when you think you’re ready, you’re not and if you wait until you are, you’ll never have kids.”  Lacy sat next to her.  “I love Kyle, but I was so nervous when I found out.  I worried Carlos wouldn’t stick around and that I’d be a horrible mom.” 

                “You’re a great mom.  I mean, that night I babysat I forgot to read him a story.” 

                “I don’t always read to him – sometimes I’m just too tired or don’t feel like it.  Sometimes when we’re out of sweet potato, I feed him butternut squash instead and lie to him.  Two days last week, I didn’t turn his nightlight on.” 

                Jasper shook her head slowly.  “How dare.”

                “But, thankfully, Kyle doesn’t seem to notice…or care.  He’s still a happy baby and he’s growing and hitting all his milestones on time even when I feed him the wrong vegetable or skip a story time.  You’ll be a fantastic parent, plus your first one is practice for the ones you’ll have after.”

                Jasper looked down at Kyle who smiled up at her.  He rocked back and forth on his hands and knees before putting one hand in front of the other and wiggling his butt forward.  She raised an eyebrow as he did it again, scooting closer to the couch.  “Lacy, I think he’s crawling.” 

                Lacy looked down as her son inched closer.  “Kyle!  You’re mobile!”  She grabbed the small digital camera near the couch and flipped the video screen open.  “Keep going, Kyle.” 

                Jasper sat on the floor and motioned for him to come closer to her.  “You’re almost there.  Come to Auntie Jasper.”  She watched as he shuffled his way across the blanket, gaining confidence and actually crawling the last foot until he patted Jasper’s leg with his hand and smiled up at her.  She raised him into the air.  “You did it!” 

                Kyle squealed in delight.  Lacy closed the video camera and sniffled.  “I gotta baby-proof this place.” 

                “While you do that, I’ll hang out with little dude here.”  Jasper bounced him.  “Yes!” 

                “Uh, Jasps, I wouldn’t…” 

                Kyle spat up, milk dribbling down his chin and onto Jasper’s shirt before he burped and giggled.  Talking with Lacy definitely helped, but she was still nervous about the future as she wiped her shirt and cleaned the baby’s face.  In about two weeks she’d find out whether she’d be able to have the future she truly wanted or if that would be derailed forever.


	15. Seasons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you all ready for the last chapter in our story? 
> 
> I know, right..but don't worry - the next story is already being worked on. :)

**Chapter 15 – Seasons**

Amethyst

_December 2006_

                “Is it true they make it so that you can’t get a perfect score on the SATs?”  Amethyst asked her sister as she came into the kitchen. 

                “I wouldn’t know.  I never took them.”  Jasper opened the refrigerator and pulled out two bottles of water.  “I got a really high score on the ASVAB though.” 

                “What’s that?”                 

                Peridot pushed her glasses up.  “It’s the intelligence test you have to pass to join the military.” 

                “How do you know?”  Amethyst looked over at her across their books and papers scattered over the kitchen table. 

                “I-I might’ve met with one of the…recruiting officers.” 

                Amethyst’s mouth hung open for a second.  “Are you crazy?  You?  In the military?” 

                “It’s just an idea.  I haven’t decided on anything yet.”  Peridot shrugged.  “I have to get scholarships for college and the military pays for college.” 

                “You told me to slap you if you ever thought about it?  You want me to slap you?”

                “Be reasonable,” Penina butted in from the sink where she was washing dishes.  “You don’t want to risk your life just to go to college.  You’re smart – you’ll get a scholarship.”

                “Which branch?”  Jasper asked.  There was a moment of silence while Peridot gave her a look.  “Which branch did you talk to?” 

                “The Navy.  It…it seems like a good fit and I’d have the opportunity…to-to see the world and…serve my country and…and then I could go to college.” 

                Jasper took a swig of water.  “Talk to the Air Force too.  You’d do well there or in the Navy.  Either of those branches are not as dangerous or physically demanding as the Army or Marines.  The money for college won’t be as good, but you won’t be in direct combat, especially depending on what you choose for your specialty.  You may not even be near combat – I have a friend in the Air Force who’s in England.” 

                “Don’t you always shit on the Air Force?” Amethyst asked.

                Her mother whirled around.  “Amethyst, language!”

                Jasper gave a short laugh.  “There’s a lot of joking and playful teasing between the branches, but we depend on them and they depend on us.”  She gave Peridot a playful punch on the arm.  “If you have any questions, just ask.”

                Peridot watched as she left and then rubbed her arm.  “Ow.”

                “You need to think long and hard about this decision.”  Penina drained the sink and wiped her hands on a towel.  “College is definitely safer and you have many opportunities.  I wish I had gone to college.” 

                “You didn’t?  For nursing?” 

                “In the seventies, we learned on the job – I’ve taken some continuing education, but I don’t have a degree.  If I’d been able to go, maybe I could have been a doctor.”  Penina wiped the counter.  “Fetuao went to college and he makes more than me.  You’re really smart, Peridot.  You could go to college and get a PhD and have a really good job.  Why do you want to be on a boat with a bunch of men?”

                Amethyst shrugged.  “Doesn’t sound bad to me.  Maybe I should join the Navy.”

                “There’s a physical fitness test,” Peridot pointed out. 

                “College it is.”  Amethyst tore off a piece of paper and wrote ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ on it, sliding it discreetly to her friend. 

                Peridot took a breath before crumpling it up and speaking in a whisper.  “Yeah…there’s that too.”

                After they were done studying, they went up to Amethyst’s room where her friend immediately sat at the desk.  Amethyst took a moment to look at the picture on her board. 

                “You miss her, don’t you?”  Peridot asked.  

                “Yeah, I think I always will.  I’m still meeting with Flo every week because it’s hard going to group without Roselyn.”  Amethyst sat on the bed and fiddled with her bracelet.  “I still feel that anticipation, you know…that I’ll see her and then she’s not there.  I had already thought about what I might get her for Christmas and then I think about how sad her parents will be when she’s not there on Christmas.”  Amethyst wiped tears away.  “And I feel so grateful that I’m still here and I’m doing okay.  I wish she could be doing okay with me.”

                Peridot moved next to her and hugged her.  “I’ve never lost anyone, but I’m sorry you’re feeling sad.  I’m really bad at this emotional advice stuff.” 

                “It’s okay.  You’re here.” 

                “You know how last month those soldiers died in Iraq?  Well, I bet Jasper’s lost some friends and maybe talking to her will help.” 

                Talking with her sister lately had helped.  The age gap had sometimes been hard, but now that Amethyst was getting older, she realized that her sister had wisdom to help her through some of the hard things in life, but wasn’t too old that she forgot what being a teenager was like.  “I should talk to her.  I know my mom means well, but she was my age so long ago and in a completely different environment that some of the things I deal with she can’t identify with.  I talked to her about Roselyn and she did have good advice and she’s been…a comfort.  She said she grew up with typhoons and tsunamis sometimes…she said people went into the ocean and never came back.  Women died having babies or people died from infections because they didn’t have medicine. Not that it wasn’t sad, but I guess it was just seen as something that happened – a part of life.  And it is – you can’t have life without death.  I always saw it as something that happened to old people.  In a first world country, it doesn’t seem like it should happen to a teenager.  We have doctors and hospitals and lots of food…it just doesn’t seem like someone should starve to death.”

                “Talk to Jasper.  I think she’d understand.”

                “You should too.  I mean, I think you’re crazy for even considering…but if you really want to know more about it.” 

                Peridot nodded.  “I just don’t know what I’ll do about…you know.  I wouldn’t be able to be out.  I’m fine with the whole school not knowing.  I kind of figured maybe I’ll come out in college and be who I am.  I hear it’s different in college and people aren’t as judge-y.”

                Amethyst let out a sigh.  “I mean, I think you’re always going to run into judge-y people, but I hear what you’re saying.  But, the military does have a policy about that and who knows when or if they won’t.” 

                “There’s a part of me that wants to join, but another part that knows I won’t be happy if I have to hide who I am forever.  I mean, there was a time I thought Jasper was gay and I guess she still could be, right?  She just can’t say anything.” 

                “Pretty sure she is straight.”  Amethyst put a hand on Peridot’s shoulder.  “And she’s getting married soon.  A couple of days ago, I came home from my dance practice and Matt was here and he was asking Dad for his permission.  I thought it was so sweet.  I don’t know when he’ll ask her, but he has my dad’s blessing.”  She laughed a little.  “My mom was sitting there and was like ‘yes, you can have her – please marry her’.” 

                “And Jasper doesn’t…”

                “No.  God, I wish I could be a fly on the wall when he asks her.  I bet it’ll be romantic.  I can’t wait for a guy to be interested in me.” 

                “They will be.”  Peridot smiled at her and leaned her head comfortingly against her shoulder.

                Peridot left after a while, but it wasn’t long before there was a knock on Amethyst’s door frame and her sister stood in the open entrance.  “Per said you wanted to talk to me.” 

                Amethyst closed her book.  “Mom told you that Roselyn died, right?” 

                Jasper came in and sat on the desk chair the wrong way so she was straddling the back of it.  “Yeah…sorry about that.” 

                “I thought maybe you’ve known someone who died.  Someone close to you.”  Amethyst shrugged.  “I mean, Mom talks about some people dying from her village, but it doesn’t seem like they were close.  And our grandparents were old, so that’s different.”

                Jasper gave an understanding nod.  “When I was on my last deployment, my roommate was another soldier named Ruby.  Ruby Diaz.  We became very close and we served in the same squad with Lacy before she got injured.  They say not to get too close to anyone but people are people and we like relationships and then they tell us we’re brethren in arms.  And it hurts when people get transferred, reassigned, choose a different specialty or leave the service.  Or sometimes, like Ruby, they die.  I don’t think I really realized what a good friend she was until that happened.  We talked about everything – our families, what we missed about home, our fears and our ambitions.  I’d hear her talking to her family on the internet when she could and it was in Spanish, so I didn’t understand everything, but I could hear the love in their voices.  She had a best friend back home she couldn’t wait to see who always sent her care packages.  One of the last days we were in the room together she gave me a package of Oreos and a bag of Cheetos from her care package and we talked about Otter Pops.  I see any of those foods now and I remember Ruby.”

                Amethyst fingered the bracelet she wore.  “I feel lucky to have this to remember Roselyn.  I mean, though, you don’t cry when you go into the store and see Cheetos, right?”

                Jasper laughed.  “No, but it did take time for me to learn to smile when I saw them and think about the good times I had with Ruby.  I could dwell if I wanted to.  I could stew in how unfair it is that she died so young and tragically in war.  Or I could recognize that as tragic as it was, we are all prepared to make that sacrifice and she died fighting for a country her parents fought to come to…a country she believed in and loved.  Ruby went to combat that night bravely knowing she might not come back, just like I suspect Roselyn went into the hospital knowing she wouldn’t leave.”

                “Okay yeah, but your friend died for something noble.  There’s nothing noble about starving yourself to death.”

                “I’m sure you know that an eating disorder is a mental illness – you’ve fought one.  It’s hard.”  Jasper paused as though thinking about how to put her thoughts into words.  “It’s like fighting a battle.  Physically no one can fight forever and I think mentally it’s the same.  Perhaps Roselyn had just fought too long.  She gave it her best, but her strength was gone and I think she got more time because you were her friend.  I mean, I didn’t really know her, so I’m just going on what I saw when I briefly met her and from what you’ve told me.” 

                “She wrote me a letter that she knew real friendship because of me, so I like to think maybe I did help her hang on a little longer.”  Amethyst smiled.  “She went for tacos with us once, but she loved to drink hot tea – that was her favorite.  She always looked so put together and sophisticated.  I can still remember her smile.” 

                “You made her happy.  In her lonely life, she died knowing happiness.  You did that.  It’s okay to miss her and it’s okay to be sad – it’s expected, but the more you focus on the happy times, the more her memory will a bright spot in your life.  You’ll always miss her, but eventually you’ll look back on her and smile more than you cry.” 

                “Thanks, sis.”  Amethyst rose from the bed and hugged Jasper.

                “Anytime.” 

*

Jasper

                Jasper started up the car and listened.  “It’s still clicking.” 

                “You think it’s the belt?” her dad asked. 

                “No we replaced the belt like three months ago.” 

“I think I see the problem.”

She turned it off and went up, looking under the hood while her dad pointed out what he thought was wrong.  “Ah, yeah, that makes sense.  You know, with Amethyst learning to drive, she should probably learn some ins-and-outs of car maintenance herself.  I mean, at least how to check the oil and change a tire.”  

“Yeah, I’m gonna teach her that.  Of course, she’ll be concerned about oil and dirt and breaking a nail.”  Fetuao tapped his fingers against the frame of the car.  “What would you think about getting a new car?” 

“Are you saying we can’t fix this one?  This is my baby.”  As she said that, her stomach flip-flopped and she reminded herself to pick up a pregnancy test on the way home.

“This car’s broken down on you many times and we’re fixing it more and more.  I think maybe something more reliable would be nice.  You may want to consider a family car for the future.” 

Jasper gestured to the light blue vehicle.  “This was fine for our family.” 

“New family, new car.”  He wiped his hands on a rag.  “You never know what the future will bring.” 

“Yeah, no shit.”  But he was right.  If she was pregnant…even if she wasn’t…she couldn’t continue to drive a car that broke down more than her sister at a romance movie. 

“What’s up, Baby Girl?”

She took a deep breath.  She could trust her dad.  “Don’t tell Mom – because she’d just get excited – there may have been a malfunction in Pago Pago and uh…I might be pregnant.” 

Fetuao put a hand on her shoulder and squeezed.  “Have you taken a test?” 

“No, but I’m five days late and I’m usually like a clock.” 

                “Well, maybe it’s time to take a test.  What does Matt think?” 

                She scoffed.  “You know, I think he’d be thrilled.  I just don’t feel ready…it’s…” 

                “Scary?” 

                “Yeah, something like that.” 

                Her father chuckled.  “You’re never ready.” 

                “That’s what Lacy said.” 

                “That’s what every parent will tell you and it is scary, but it’s also wonderful.  And, since you’re not sure, it’s also hard to get pregnant.  Your mom and I had trouble with both of you – we had to try so many times…”

                “Please don’t elaborate.” 

                “No, no, but a doctor told us even if you try at what you think is the right time, there’s only a ten percent chance that you’d conceive if you…try…once a month.  So, before you start worrying, take a test and if it’s positive, know that we love you and Matt loves you and we’re all here to help you.”  He kissed her forehead.  “It’s going to be okay, no matter what happens.”

                Jasper sighed and closed the hood.  “Maybe…you know, since I’ll be getting a pay raise soon…maybe we could look at cars next weekend.” 

                “Your mom will come too.  We’re thinking about getting a new one ourselves and letting Amethyst use the old one since she’ll be driving soon.  She can learn something about car payments by slowly buying it from us.”

                Jasper left after having dinner with her family and stopped at a pharmacy on her way home.  She’d considered going to the commissary on base, but didn’t want anyone she knew to see her buying a pregnancy test.  She held it close to her as she went to the counter and waited in line.  Her eyes scanned the candy displayed and she decided a chocolate bar sounded good.  That’s when she noticed the chocolate covered pretzels…sweet and salty…sold!  She grabbed them. 

                She quickly paid and simply smiled at the cashier who told her: “I hope this turns out the way you want it.” 

                Yeah, she hoped so too as she arrived back at the barracks and locked the door to her room.  She opened the box and started reading the directions then quickly crumpled them up.  “What I am doing?  You pee on a stick.”

                Once locked in the bathroom, she did so and placed the test flat on the counter.  Her heart pounded nervously as she tore some paper from the roll and wiped.  A red streak glared up at her from the white paper.  “Really?  Well, that was seven dollars I could have saved.”  It also explained her sudden craving for chocolate covered pretzels. 

                Jasper sighed, stuck a pad to her underwear and washed her hands before glancing at the negative pregnancy test and tossing it in the trash.  She grabbed her bag of pretzels and lay on her bed watching TV.  Her phone dinged and she read the text from Matt: ‘ _Any news yet_?’

                ‘ _Started my period – not pregnant_ ,’ she typed back.

                He followed up with a text asking if she needed anything.  She didn’t.  She put a hand on her stomach.  Someday, she was going to have children.  There was a part of her – a small part, but it was there – that wanted to be a mother, but that wasn’t in the plans right now.  She moved to the desk and opened her laptop to do some research.  After an hour of reading through information, she wrote a note reminding herself to make a doctor’s appointment to get an IUD.

*

                Jasper had decided to return to the women’s clinic instead of going to a military doctor.  Dr. Harris was happy to see her again and explained the procedure.  “I slide a tube into your cervix and push the IUD into your uterus.  It’s uncomfortable and you’ll have cramping the rest of the day not unlike period cramps.  The IUD releases hormones that stop you from ovulating and it keeps you from building such a thick uterine lining each month so if an egg does get fertilized, chances are low it will implant.  Most women find their periods are shorter and lighter and some don’t have one at all after six months to a year.” 

                “That’s a bonus,” Jasper said with a laugh. 

                “When you’re ready to have a family, you come in and we remove the IUD and you can start trying right away.” 

                “How long does it take?  I mean to conceive.  I want kids someday.” 

                “It really depends on your fertility and that of your partner.  Some of my patients have been pregnant within a month, others it’s taken up to a year.  Any longer than that and there’s usually an underlying issue.  Now, risks are similar to any other form of birth control with the possibility of blood clots, irregular periods, spotting and the like.  Also, nothing is a hundred percent effective, there’s less than a one percent chance you could still get pregnant and it doesn’t prevent diseases.” 

                “Yeah, if I’m not in a relationship I’ll use a condom.”  

                “We can give you some.  We’d recommend using backup the first two months.  It expires after five years, so you’ll need to get it replaced at that time if you’re still not ready for kids.” 

                Jasper recalled the article she’d read over a year ago now.  “I’m twenty-four now, going into the ‘prime age’ to have them.  In five years, I’ll be pushing thirty.” 

                “That’s still a good age.  Many of my patients are waiting until they’re in their thirties and they have uneventful pregnancies and healthy babies.”

                It helped hearing that.  She still had time…time to do all the things she wanted in her life and time to have a family.

*

                Jasper felt a black dress was a good choice for her date with Matt that Friday night before Christmas.  She’d bought one that was simple, but fit her body perfectly and looked nice.  She was unsure why he wanted to take her out, but she knew she needed to talk to him and while she felt bad doing this right before Christmas, it had to be done.

                “You look beautiful,” Matt said as he gazed at her from across the table.

                “Thank you.”  She smiled and looked down at her pasta.  The restaurant he’d picked wasn’t too fancy, but it was nice with checkered tablecloths and plenty of food for the price.  It was a small place that must not have been well-known because there were only a few other couples there.  It could also be that a holiday was right around the corner and people were spending time with family. 

                “So, your sister’s dancing tomorrow?” 

                “Yeah, Mom’s says she’s been practicing like crazy.”  Silence surrounded them for a few moments.  God, if she didn’t buck up the courage now, she’d never do this.  “My training ends soon and then I’ll officially be promoted.”

                “That’s good.  I’ve been…uh…doing a little thinking about the future, too.  It kind of seems like we’re in different places, you know.”  Matt shrugged.  “I wouldn’t have been too upset if…if you’d been pregnant.  I mean I’m ready for a family and even though I know your career is important to you…” 

                “Very important.” 

                “Being back home made me realize how much I miss Pago Pago and how much I miss being around family.” 

                She gave a supportive nod, thankful they were on the same page.  “I understand.  I would miss being so far from my family, too.  Of course, if the Army relocates me, it is what it is.”

                “And I’d…I’d be willing to wait until you retire to move back.” 

                “What?” 

                “I know it’s a long time and might be difficult for the kids…”

                “Fourteen years and that’s only when I’m _eligible_ to retire, not necessarily when I _will_.”

                “A career is important, but family is important too.”

                Jasper shrugged and finally nodded.  “I can’t argue with that, but I think…I need to focus on all aspects of the future.  Not just my job or a family, but both and…and personal things that I need and want to do.” 

                “And I fully support you in that.” 

                Oh, thank God.  “Good.  I’m glad we’re on the same page because this is never easy.”  She took deep breath and told herself to just get the words out, speaking at the same time as him.

                “I think we should break up.”                                     “Will you marry me?”

                “What?!”                                                                             “What?!”

                She sat in stunned silence for a moment staring at the ring he held in a velvet box.  “I thought we were having a completely different conversation.” 

                “So did I,” Matt said sadly.  

                Jasper folded her hands and took another breath.  “But you deserve someone who wants all that with you on your timeline.  I’m at least five years away from wanting to settle down or having kids and I don’t think it’s fair to ask you to wait that long when clearly…” She gestured toward the ring.  “…you’re ready now.”

                “And I guess I thought if I asked, you might change your mind, but yeah, we’re in two different places on this.  I do love you, Jasper.” 

                She gave a soft smile.  “I love you too, enough that I want you to be happy.  I want to put your needs and wants before my own.” 

                “I’m disappointed.  I had hoped I’d get a different answer.”  Matt closed the jewelry box and put it in his pocket.  “But, I understand and I want the same for you.  I just want you to be happy.” 

                “Me too – I mean, for you.”  There was a part of her that was sad and would miss this.  She’d miss him and the times they spent together, but as her future moved forward, their paths were going separate ways.  There was also a part of her that couldn’t wait to see where her path led to.

*

Amethyst

                Her mom smiled at her as Amethyst opened her eyes after letting Penina do her makeup.  “You look beautiful.” 

                Amethyst looked in the mirror, noting the similarities in the roundness of their faces, the shape of their noses and their deep brown eyes.  The sparkle was finally coming back to hers, which were lined in black.  She’d used a touch of foundation and deep brown eye shadow.  Her lips were painted a cocoa color and on her cheeks her mother had drawn a crescent moon shape in brilliant red.  She touched the shell and bone necklace Jasper had brought back from the islands.  Today she represented her family, her community and the place her ancestors had come from.  “I’d look better with my hair down.” 

                “Yes, but you have wear the _tuinga_ anyway, so your hair will be covered.  Auntie Su will bring it to the venue along with your dancing outfit.”  The front door opened and closed downstairs and Penina let out a squeak of joy.  “That’ll be your sister and Matt – your new brother-in-law.” 

                “They’re not married yet,” Amethyst called after her mom as she hurried down the hall.  Amethyst smiled one more time at her reflection before turning off the bathroom light and heading downstairs. 

                “What do you mean you said ‘no’?”  The scraping of a chair came from the kitchen and an exasperated sigh that could only come from her mother.  “You should call him and tell him you made a mistake…” 

                “I didn’t make a mistake,” Jasper countered.  “I will get married when I’m ready.  Who knows?  Maybe I’ll meet my future husband at the thing.” 

                “It’s not a ‘thing’ it is the Polynesian Cultural Festival.  Tani is going, maybe you could…”

                “No.”

                Amethyst entered the kitchen and patted Jasper on the arm.  “Didn’t get engaged, huh?” 

                “Did everybody know?” 

                “Yeah we were all here when Matt asked Dad’s permission.”

                “I am not property,” Jasper said.  “I am a person who can decide for myself.” 

                Amethyst shrugged.  “I thought it was romantic.” 

                “I think it’s an archaic tradition of a patriarchal society.”  Jasper smiled.  “But I suppose we can agree to disagree.” 

                They headed to the venue, Jasper following in her new car.  Amethyst found her auntie and they headed backstage to get ready.  Her outfit was sleeveless, made of expertly woven fibers and had red flowers at the top and a fringe at the bottom.  Auntie Su placed a shell bracelet around one wrist then paused when she came to the other one.  “You’ll have to take that off.” 

                Amethyst paused before unclasping the gold bracelet and putting it lovingly in her purse.  She imagined how much Roselyn would have enjoyed being here and seeing her dance.  She smiled as she saw her friend’s face in her mind and once again gave thanks that she was here about to dance in front of everyone.  “Oh geez, I’m about to dance in front of everyone.” 

                “You’ll be amazing,” Auntie Su told her as she slid the crown on Amethyst’s head.  “Float like a spirit and tell your story.”

                Amethyst watched the others from the sidelines as dancers showcased their performances from the Hawaiian Islands to Tahiti and Fiji.  She wanted to know how the Tahitian dancers moved their hips so fast that their skirts flew around them.  A Tongan group took the stage before members of Amethyst’s community.  She knew as soon as the men were done with the war dance, it would be time for her to take the stage by herself. 

                “Nervous?”  Auntie Su asked.

                “Yeah.  Why is the _taualuga_ always last?” 

                “The word _taualuga_ refers to the last stage in building a traditional house.  This dance symbolizes the final, beautiful touches in a monumental task.  That’s why we always end any celebration with this dance.”  She squeezed Amethyst’s shoulder and smiled.  “But you’re not an ending.  I’m proud that I could pass this on to the next generation.” 

                “Auntie, you’re hardly older than Jasper.”  She took a deep breath as the men’s dance came to an end and the audience cheered and clapped.  Once they had left the stage, she took her place at the steps. 

                “Hey, good luck,” Tani gave her a supportive punch in the arm.

                “Thanks, uncle.”

                Once announced, she climbed up the few steps and took her place on the stage.  She resisted the urge to lift her eyes and find her family.  She remembered her mother telling about a place Amethyst had never been.  Penina had talked of being nervous, too, having to dance in front of her entire village.  ‘ _Being the_ taupou _was being the pride of the village…it’s a lot to live up to, but you can do it_ ,’ her mother had told her earlier.

                The music started – familiar notes and words she’d heard at nearly every Samoan celebration she’d ever been to, all that seemed to conclude with this dance.

_O le taualuga o le a fa’ai’u mea uma_

_Olioli malie se’ese’e mai, ua matagofie_  
Fa’avai lou tino, tasi ou taga fo’i e manino  
Ia faatamaalii, ua na’o oe lava e sili

                Just as she’d practiced, she moved her body as the lyrics spoke of the gracefulness and beauty of the dance.  Her feet slid across the floor, hardly moving unless she picked them up on certain beats like she’d rehearsed.  She caught her mom’s gaze from the audience and smiled.  That’s when she felt it – the spirit her auntie had talked about, filling her and helping guide her movements.

 _Polenesia uma, ou te tautino atu, e sili o le siva Samoa_  
Afai la e te fia talitonu, sau ia se’i e maimoa  
O si ona faiga e fesuisuia’i e le tumau i se mea e tasi  
e le gata ile se’e, tino ao faamane’ene’e

                And she was with them as her movements called to mind a girl looking at herself in a pool of water or rowing a canoe on the ocean.  Her hand passed close to the crown as though combing her hair.  The dance may have been a finale, but she wasn’t.  She was a continuation.  Her mother had performed this dance…and her grandmother…and others before.  Someday, perhaps she’d have a daughter and she’d teach her to keep the spirit of her family and the islands alive. 

                Amethyst finished to applause and cheering as the music ended.  A smile was still on her face as she left the stage feeling powerful and beautiful and she imagined everyone else could see this, too.  They could sense the change in her that had taken months.  It wasn’t about how she looked.  She could move to music and make poetry with her body.  She had a beautiful soul that shined through her movements and she focused on that as she changed into her clothes backstage and clasped her bracelet on her wrist before joining her family. 

                Penina hugged her and kissed her cheek.  “Oh, Amethyst.  I’m so proud.” 

                “Thanks.” 

                Jasper put an arm around her.  “So…I’m thinking since it’s not raining and Taco Bell is half a mile and no left turns away, maybe I’d let you take me to get tacos this time.” 

                “Really?  You’d let me drive your car?” 

                “Just be very careful.”

                Amethyst’s dad gave her a hug.  “We’ll see you girls later.  You were amazing, Peanut.” 

                She walked out with Jasper, heading toward the parking lot, which was much less full as most of the attendees had left.  “I thought you were going to get a red car next.” 

                “Yeah, they talked me into the practicality of silver.  Plus, the red one was more expensive, but this one has automatic locks and windows.” 

                Footsteps approached from behind.  “Hey…uh…Amethyst?” 

                She turned to see Shawn Autufuga, whom she’d grown up with and had a few classes with at school.  “Yo.” 

                “Uh…I was wondering if um…you’d wanna go to a movie or something…sometime…with me?”

                “I dunno, Ames is pretty traditional – did you ask our dad?”  Jasper teased. 

                “Jasps!”  Amethyst hissed.  She took a breath and smiled.  She didn’t really know Shawn, but she supposed that’s what a date was for.  “Yeah, I’d like that.” 

                “Cool.”  He flashed a nervous smile.  “You dance really good, by the way.” 

                “Thanks.”

                “I’ll see you in math?” 

                “Yeah.”  Amethyst headed off toward Jasper’s car, her heart fluttering.  “I have a date…I actually have a fucking date.” 

                “Looks that way.”  Jasper opened the car doors with her key fob and then tossed the keys to Amethyst once they were inside.  “Ignition, lights, you may need to adjust the rearview.”

                “And the seat.”  Amethyst pushed the seat up so she could reach the pedals on the floor.  She turned on the radio and switched to a station she was familiar with.  Then looking around, she made sure everything was clear before easing out of the space and into the parking lot. 

                Jasper leaned back in her seat.  “It’s nice to be chauffeured for once.”

                Amethyst didn’t want to spoil it by being sappy, but she thought it was nice that she was finally old enough to hang out with Jasper, even if it was just getting tacos.  She turned slowly onto the road and drove carefully as she listened to the radio. 

 _To everything (turn, turn, turn)_  
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)  
And a time to every purpose, under heaven

 _A time to build up, a time to break down_  
A time to dance, a time to mourn  
A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together

 

                “Ames, the speed limit is thirty and while I appreciate that you’re being careful with my car, you’re going like half that.”  Jasper turned up the volume a little.  “I like this song.” 

                “Yeah, me too.”  Amethyst sped up slightly and tapped her fingers on the steering wheel as they sang together.

 _A time of love, a time of hate_  
A time of war, a time of peace  
A time you may embrace, a time to refrain from embracing

_To everything (turn, turn, turn)  
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)…_

 

**~Fin~**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has read this story and stuck with it whether you followed it chapter by chapter and read it as it was being put up or whether you found it after its completion and read the whole thing. 
> 
> I'd also like to give a special thanks to my beta - TuskedLioness - for reading this story and helping me polish it. 
> 
> Being that The Palamo Saga is a series there IS another one after this and if you're following chapter by chapter, 'Captured' will be published on Ao3 very soon, so keep a lookout for that. Naturally, if you follow my work, you may think you know this story already, but rest assured I have some changes and surprises in store for you! :)


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